driftfleet | Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya

Possibly, because we might get into a fight if you support any team other than the Chicago Cubs. Even if they don't exist in your world. [She's kidding... She's also kind of serious. Don't fuck with the Cubs.] Pizza was one thing, but this would be way too far. [Your girlfriend is into baseball. It's okay if you want to picture her in nothing but a jersey or nothing but a baseball cap.]

Will we get into a fight if I said I never watched a game?

[ he's sorry, kitty, but your boyfriend finds baseball boring. he's never been the athletic type, and, well, it's not the most exciting game to watch, either. ]

I'll totally support the Cubs, though, even make you a jersey if you can describe the logo to me.

[ don't...just don't. he hears it, he's beating himself up for it already. no, I don't watch sports but I can make the uniform. that imaginary lesbian lover of hers would be more of a man than he is sometimes. ]

Never watched works for me. [She was just starting to get really excited about the idea of a jersey when she can feel the shift. That stupid, off the cuff comment she made obviously really bothered him.]

Winn... [She looks up at him, trying to bring him to a stop again because she wants to say this not just think it at him.] You are perfect just like you are. I don't need some stereotype of a man. I want a real person. A partner. With their own likes and quirks and skills and fears and everything. I'm sorry I ever made you feel any less than that. [Thing is her thoughts line up just perfectly with the words here. He found himself an honest girl who speaks her mind a lot of the time.]

[ it takes him a moment to stop avoiding her eyes, and he really wants to take his hand back now, because he hates that she's feeling this. no one should feel this - not just because it's humiliating for him, to have someone know that this is what goes on in his head - but because it hurts to feel that way. it hurts a lot. unannounced and uninvited, the memories of the women who rejected him because he's just like one of the girls start pouring in, and if that had been it it would have been fine - he could've handled that! - but with them they drag along the horrible things kids used to call him when they weren't picking on him for being monster jr. the horrible things they could do to him because he was too weak to defend himself. because he wasn't enough of a man. a particularly nasty day comes to mind, involving a toilet that wasn't flushed, and he breaks contact because kitty doesn't need to feel that.

he shakes his head. blinking back these tears is much easier. he's used to pretending he's not hurting. pretending he's not happy is what's new to him. ]

...come on, even you don't think I'm perfect. [ he can't seem to lay off the joking. the surge of her feelings was really comforting and he laments having lost it, but he can't bring himself to subject her to the landfill that is his head. they were having such a nice time, why did he have to go and be himself about it? ]

[It's overwhelming at first as she starts seeing these pictures of him in the past. Not just understanding him or feeling his emotions, but actually seeing what must be memories. Each one is more hurtful than the one before it and she wants so desperately to protect him then and now from it.

She reaches for him, but stops herself because he should be able to pull away so that he isn't letting his memories flood into her.] I just...really, really wants to be able to hold you right now. [She can see he's hurting even if she can't feel it anymore.]

Just...gimme a sec.

[ thinking about baseball isn't going to do him any good here, he's trying to perk up not put himself to sleep. ok video games. ok game nights with kara. there we go - kara would never make fun of him like this, even if she occasionally rolls her eyes at him in a way he'd never admit is hurtful. neither would james, or alex. kitty, kate, jim, cisco, hank, margaery, sascha, he's got too many friends now to name them all without leaving anyone out in one go. who would've thought! ok, his smile loses some of its strain, and he offers her that hug. ]

Sorry. [ he never meant for her to feel that. his issues feel so small and petty in comparison to what everyone here has had to deal with. if he wants to be manlier, he just has to man up and change himself. it's on him to....not be him. he kisses the top of her head. he can feel how much she cares, how genuinely she aches for his stupid meaningless pains, and it fills him with guilt. she shouldn't be burdened by this; he's fine. always was fine, always will be fine. he's had it so easy. he's starting to suspect he's lead the most sheltered life of anyone on the fleet. he doesn't belong here, the boring, useless, depowered, weak, normal human that he is. but since he is here, the least he can do is be there for the rest of them, without burdening them with his own crap. ]

[She tightens the hug and as his feelings start peeking in again she wants to shout at them. Tell them they can't make her Winn feel that way. How can she defend him against himself? What a powerless feeling.] Winn, Winn... Your pain is as valid as anyone else's pain.

[ her need to protect him makes him smile, even as her tight embrace makes him grimace a little as she's digging directly into one of the more tender bruises kirk left on him during their lessons.

powerless - that's how he feels every day. it's a terrible feeling he wouldn't wish on anyone, especially the woman he loves, and yet...he's the one doing this to her. he knows letting go isn't going to fix it, though, it'll probably only make her feel worse, worry more. sometimes, he really just hates himself. ]

Kitty, it's nothing. I'm fine. I'm really lucky. [ his planet didn't explode, his civilization didn't break down, he didn't watch his friends die, he didn't live on the streets...how can his being bullied be as valid as any of that? it's not. he should be over this by now. a real man would've been. ]

[She relents on her hold slightly, shifting her hands to different points. She might have noticed the physical reaction on its own but with the empathic connection it was clear. There's a little concern, but not overly much. She's used to bruises. It's more surprise than anything and she's curious, but it's not where her mind is focused right now.]

We're all lucky. I mean, there's always someone with it worse as long as we're around to tell the story of what happened to us, but it's not a competition. Things can still suck for us. I want to be here for you just like you want to be here for me and we're both probably going to be full of fears of being left again and guilt from something that isn't our fault, but at least we're being a little messed up together?

[ he breathes a breath of relief when she shifts; once again, not tough enough to pretend that didn't hurt. he just feels like such a failure as a man today. ]

Kitty...it's really not the same. I'm fine - bullies are practically a right of passage for my kind.

[ of course, his nerdiness might've been able to skate by most of them if he weren't the son of a murderer, if that label hadn't followed him around every day at school and every night at home, if he had a single safe space to hide in. but that doesn't matter - at the end of the day all it is was bullying. he's alive, barely even physically dented anymore, just a chink on chin like scratch in the paint. so he lost his parents. he's hardly the first kid to, he lived with a houseful of others. to him, comparing it to what kitty's been through is like going crying to wrath with a paper cut.

it's not hurt he's projecting anymore, not mainly. he's a little bitter about feeling this way, and very guilty - for both feelings. he's also extremely self deprecating. ever since his mom left all the way up until he left for college - all he's ever heard was you have no right. the memories don't come up, just the ingrained sensation. ]

Not like that it's not. I can feel how relentless it was.

[She doesn't want to compare and contrast. And she doesn't bring it up with words, but it's hard for thoughts not to bubble up of memories where she would rescue people and be spat on for being a "filthy mutie." That was almost the best scenario. It hurt more to see people just shaking in fear around her—to know she was the monster in their nightmares when she was risking her life to make the world better for them. For everyone. There were exceptions—thank yous, hugs, or even simple neutral responses from people too weak and weary for anything more. But they felt slim in comparison.

She isn't thinking this outranks what happened to Winn in any way. For her it just makes her feel more connected to him. Like they have all this potential to just better understand each other on a deeper level which is something she craves. She loves him, but sometimes things feel almost shallow? Like she doesn't know him the way she would like to know him. And it's okay. Things are still new and it takes time.]

You have every right to your feelings.

[ he holds her tighter as the memories come through, as if trying to say I'll love you and thank you for all of them. he can't understand these people - never could never will. they're so lucky someone was there to save them. as a kid, all he ever wanted was for someone - anyone - to save him. it's why he came up with glitch. he needed a hero, and no one else seemed interested in the job. ]

I'm sorry, Kitty I just... [ he hates that she knows what it feels like, to be told you don't matter, that the world would be better off without her. but she had the x-men to go back to, to build her back up. nobody's ever rebuilt him, because he's never allowed anyone to see how broken he is inside. smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it’s breaking. that has been his motto.

he always wanted someone to know him - but also didn't. he wants the real him to be the happy-go-lucky excitable guy who's always quick to help, not the bitter broken mess. ]

Hey - [ he gently strokes her hair and smiles at her ] remember that inn? It's waiting for us, along with the dinner we deserve. [ he just wants to be someone who makes her happy, not hurt even more. so many people have made her hurt in her life. he hates himself for being one of them, even if it's what she wants. ]

I can feel all the important bits of knowledge inside you, but you won't put them together. [He won't give himself the consideration he gives her so freely. But she knows that can be the hardest thing. She knows that when Reid left her she gave up on herself for awhile. It all just felt like too much. It was one too many losses and suddenly they all felt very much her fault. She became an insecure, guilt-ridden, self-doubting mess. And she's not completely free of that now, but the darkest parts have passed.]

...But yeah. The inn sounds good.

I'm very smart and also an idiot.

[ he steps back from the embrace - so they could resume their walking, so he doesn't add an edge to that joke that - while true - he doesn't want her to sense, and so she doesn't feel how deep his resentment for reid runs. ]

[She takes a deep breath. There is both a disappointing loss and a selfish relief at having the connection severed again. She worries about what will slip through even if she welcomes a deeper connection and doesn't want to hide things from him she still worries some piece of information will be the one that goes too far. The one that makes him say, "I just can't" like Reid did. Where she wasn't the person he loved anymore. She was some kind of burden. She was the straw on his back. She knows she can be a lot to handle and Winn holds so much in already.]

I stopped your daily compliments too soon.

[ his answer to that fear is one he'd want her to feel; he could never stop loving her. he knows this feeling well, it's what keeps him so repressed. in a way it's what made him feel so close to jim - the man just has a way of making him feel like he couldn't possibly be more trouble than he's worth. he gives him a hard time, and jim stubbornly stays there and keeps on pressing. winn loves him dearly for it. ]

Kitty...[ he softens in the face of her distress. it's not a time for jokes, much as he wants to make them to get her to smile - if he could just make her smile, then everything will be alright, right? ]

When you say you love me - that's the biggest compliment anyone could ever give me.

[ it's not her fault, is what he's trying to convey. she's so wonderful to him, he still can't believe she's even with him. ]

Come on - let's go have dinner. This'll feel a lot better with pie.

Edited 2016-06-27 10:55 (UTC)

[She knows it's not her fault. He's clearly been struggling with these feelings for a long time and she isn't going to reverse all that with a few kind words, but she still wishes she was doing more to help him somehow.]

Yeah, okay.

...

Is there really going to be pie? [Sorry, Winn. It's just. That's pretty huge news.]

[ that makes him smile; lighthearted conversation is much more in his wheelhouse. he doesn't mind talking about other people's troubles but his own, well - she knows, now. ]

When I said dessert, I didn't mean me.

But you too, right? [She gives him a gentle sort of look where it probably should be seductive.]

No, I care about the soundproofing on the room because we're gonna have a maaaaad karaoke party in there.

[ she gets a gentle sort of look back that's also a little flustered because he can't get over how amazing it feels to be desired. he's a little apprehensive, but when they were kissing everything they were feeling was amazing. when he's kissing her, he can't really think about anything else but her. so it'll be alright...probably. he hopes. ]

Knowing you, it's always possible. [There's something pretty warm and fond in her eyes as she says that.]

You know I want to talk more about...all of that eventually, right? [But they can have their break. Their meal. Their sweet exchanges and banter. It just needs to happen too.]

That I skip out on you? Never.

[ his smile softens, and there's unclear in his eyes - because his heart is uncertain. he doesn't know how he feels about this. ok - he's happy she cares, absolutely, but he's also afraid of this conversation, sad that - the happy-go-lucky days are nothing but a fond memory now. ]

I know. And I love you for it. [ he also loves her for letting the date night he planned happen first. he was really excited for it, he doesn't want it ruined because he couldn't control his memories. ]

[She doesn't want them to be gone. She just...wants them to be real. His reply is about as good as it gets though. She thought there might be push back or resentment and maybe there will be some of that too, but he loves her for it? She'll take that.]

And so much pie before that. I am really excited about the inn, Winn. ...Wow, that sounds weird together.

[ he may get petty, angry, frustrated, or upset at having to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about. but resent her for caring about him? he's still pinching himself sometimes, just to make sure it's really happening. he may not always like the way it manifests, but he'll always love that she wants to help him, that she cares enough to try. ]

To the inn with Winn wherein the fun will begin. [ there he made it weirder. ]

If only Finn was here too. [Adding quickly.] For the rhyme potential only. I'm very happy to just be with you. [She reaches over to take and squeeze his hand. She'd wanted to do it a few times and resisted on account of what was happening when they touched, but this time she doesn't think beyond the act.]

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