driftfleet | voice

Entry tags:

voice

Who: Sorey et al
Broadcast: Yes
Action: Iskaulit
When: Shortly after drifting (late September)

.voice.

Hi everybody. My name's Sorey; I'm First Mate on the Huntress, but uh...

[He pauses. Sighs and starts over.]

A lot of people are missing. People we love. People who we don't know if they'll be back; there's a chance, definitely, a good chance, but that doesn't mean the pain and fear and the grief will go away. Sometimes, it even gets worse. The uncertainty is almost as terrible as the loss itself.

I'll be conducting memorial services in the Interfaith Center for the next week, every day at noon. Anybody is welcome to attend. It won't be anything fancy; lighting candles and burning incense, tea, reading some things from texts I've picked up along the way. If you don't want to come but you'd like me to say something for you during the service, feel free to leave it here. I'll add it to everything.

Also, if you'd like to come by just to have some quiet, or for a listening ear, I'll be here most times. There's an area where you can pray or set up altars or anything that you'd find more comfortable; we just ask that you cover up any symbols you make when you finish. If you need any help building anything, please let me know, I've got a shop area back on my ship.

Religious ties aren't necessary, either, and there's a meditation room next door if you just need some space to think. Please come by if you need anything.

.action. - Iskaulit

[Sorey can be found puttering about the Interfaith Center on most days during the current drift. He's usually in the kitchen, sometimes with Mikleo, as well as praying at the small elemental altar in a corner of the prayer chamber, separated from the lounge area by a curtain.

Sometimes he's curled up on one of the couches in the lounge with a book or a set of hand-drawn maps, frowning as he scribbles notes and erases lines.]

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If you're needed. But if someone shows up with resonance, I can handle whatever it is.

[He doesn't want to just stand around doing nothing. Bad enough that he was out of commission during the evacuation while Sorey was being so reckless in the first place. He's not just doing this for Sorey.

He follows Sorey over, nudging his way into a seat at the end of the couch with Sorey's head resting on his thigh. It's easier to put Sorey to sleep like this; otherwise he can toss and turn and waste hours freaking out about things he can't fix.]

Just lie still and stop worrying for a while. I'll take care of it. [And you.]

[He's being both harassed and coddled, and he doesn't want to be harassed and coddled, but once his head is on Mikleo's lap he just feels so tired. His limbs are heavy, his heart just as much, and it feels as if he's only stepped up to the foot of a towering mountain that he must make his way across.]

...Mikleo, [Sorey murmurs, his hand curling into a fist atop Mikleo's knee. He turns his head to hide his face against his thigh, frustration stealing his words from him.]

Yeah, I know.

[Mikleo hums quietly, understanding, agreeable, with an edge of warning at the tail end of his tone. His hand moves to sift gently through Sorey's hair, hoping that the motion will soothe him as much as it does for he and Zaveid. Just sleep.]

We'll talk when you wake up.

[He makes it sound like a promise, but it's also something of a threat- he's still very much angry about what happened down on the planet. Sorey doesn't have to know that yet, or he'll just worry himself awake, though knowing him he's made a guess of it.

Regardless, it can wait. Anything Mikleo has to say was likely said by the others already.]

[Mikleo......like there's literally anything more ominous than 'we'll talk later,' seriously. There's no way Sorey's going to sleep now.

He's gonna give it the good ol' college try though, head pillowed on Mikleo's lap, eyes closed and everything but his breathing never deepens evenly and his body never completely relaxes. Yeah. He is definitely not sleeping.]

[dammit. he shouldn't have said that. why did he say that?

With a soft, exasperated sigh, Mikleo stops stroking, though he leaves the hand in Sorey's hair, hopefully to keep him lying down. Obviously sleeping is out for now, but that doesn't mean he won't keep trying.

But first:]

I'm mad at you.

Yeah, [Sorey says wearily, opening his eyes because he knows he's gonna hear it, and though he's had enough time to reflect and admit his mistakes he's not really looking forward to hearing it again.]

[yeah, about that. Mikleo's fingers are tense in Sorey's hair, but his voice is more quiet and uncertain than aggressive.]

Everyone else has already given you a good lashing for it, so I didn't say anything... I don't know what to say that I or the others haven't said already. This isn't the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. It's part of you. It's who you are.

[How many times have they warned him to retreat, to hold back, to stop following the path he's on and play it safe? How many times has he argued with them or ignored their warnings? Even years ago when they were kids, he'd err on the side of caution while Sorey rushed headlong into danger with smiling determination, to find this artefact or that passage. Or to save a human, to fight a hellion.]

You've come so close to getting yourself killed by your own compassion, just barely avoiding it every time. Sorey... I'm tired of it, I... is your life worth so little to you now?

[So little now, as if Sorey hasn't always been a touch too reckless, a little too quick to leap before looking.

But...Mikleo's right. It's different now. Not just since hellionizing either; since taking up the mantle of Shepherd. Sorey had even said as much to Lailah, before taking the pact again. Shouldn't I do as much as possible with the time I have left?

Sorey's gaze drifts across Mikleo's face, drinking in his expression; tense, tired, angry. Not looking to pick a fight but wanting to understand, wanting him to understand. Maybe it's true, maybe there was no need for him to stay on the planet as long as he did. Dying there wouldn't have done anything for those people, and it could've (most likely would've) put everyone in terrible danger as their vessel perished. It was a selfish decision to try and stay, one borne of his own ego...but is that all it was?]

I don't know, [Sorey whispers, a little afraid to say it too loudly. He stills in Mikleo's lap, one hand on his belly and the other arm dangling off the side of the couch. It feels intimate and calm here, safe for him to say things that he's too scared to think about. Is it his life that's worth so little, or something else?]

[At least he's being honest about it. They've been trying to get better about that, but Mikleo had still been bracing himself for some excuse or justification, something to start another argument. It doesn't come, though. Maybe Sorey's as tired as he is.

His fingers shift in Sorey's hair, a gentle stroking motion again; a thank you, quiet and subtle.]

Are you punishing yourself?

[That, he could understand. Checks and balances are a human concept, like Rose's ledger, and based on what he's witnessed humans cling more easily to regret, to making amends and getting even, for good or ill. It's not like he doesn't get it. He has his own hang-ups, things he should or shouldn't have done. But it's... different. It's always been different, in ways he can't fully quantify. It's easier to let go. And it's healthier for the both of them if he acknowledges that parts of Sorey are more human than others.]

[Sorey chews on his lip, thinking. Mikleo’s fingers slip through his bangs and Sorey closes his eyes, some of the tightness in his heart loosening at the sensation.]

…I don’t think so, [he finally says after a while, because even though those thoughts had occurred to him when he’d tried to stay (“I don’t deserve to go before them” and “I owe it to these people to stay”) it hadn’t been at the forefront of his mind. He hadn’t wanted to stay behind so he could suffer and die; he’d wanted to stay behind so nobody else would have to.] I think…I just, I didn’t…

[It’s so hard to find the words to explain how he feels and Sorey makes a sound of frustration, turning his face into Mikleo’s stomach and rolling over to hold onto him, arms sneaking around his waist.]

[Mikleo lifts his hand aside as Sorey moves, waiting until he settles to resume his petting, quietly mulling over the vague, noncommittal nature of that response. It isn't like Sorey to be so uncertain, to give up on a puzzle without finding an answer, even if the puzzle lies within his own mind. This really must be bothering him, if he's having this much difficulty.

He could sit here all day guessing the reason - he has a few more theories bouncing around in his own mind, none of them especially ideal - but it serves no purpose to answer the question for Sorey. They can force their own opinions of their Shepherd's worth down his throat as much as they like but it won't make him swallow. Not until he's ready.

Instead he leans over Sorey, slowly as not to jar him too much, and kisses his head lightly, above his ear, fingers twining anxious little patterns in the locks of his hair.]

If you don't know yet, then... it's okay. We can work on it. But until you know, you need to trust our judgement, because this means we can't trust yours. Not when it comes to risking your life, and not when you're acting self-destructive like this. Understand?

[It's probably not as gentle as Lailah would have been, but he can't be Lailah. Not even for Sorey. Maybe especially not for Sorey. That was never his role, and as much as Sorey needs a Prime Lord, they'll all have to make do with what they've got here.]

[Even when they're alone, Mikleo doesn't dole out signs of affection easily, so the gentle kiss expresses just how serious Mikleo is about looking after him, and about making sure Sorey knows to listen.

His objections die in his throat and he blinks back a sudden burning sensation, overwhelmed. Mikleo always gives up so much for him, even his own peace of mind...what else can he do but offer him his very best effort?]

...I...understand. [Sorey hates being told what to do, but this is multiple times now that his seraphim have had to save his sorry behind because his judgment's been suspect. Trust doesn't stretch only as far as just laying his troubles at their feet. They are all of them a team in one body, and he needs to start acting like he takes that role as seriously as he says he does.]

[It's not one hundred percent reassuring - Sorey has a habit of forgetting what he's agreed to do when he's carried away in the moment or driven by his need to help people - but it's a comfort that he's not fighting it here and now. With a quiet exhale Mikleo leans back, eyes upturned to the ceiling. One step at a time. That's how they need to tackle this, again and again, until it sticks.]

You'd better. It's enough that I wasn't there to keep an eye on you. If something had happened... if- if you'd...

[Ahhh, dammit. He wants to cling to the anger he'd felt at the time, let it override his lingering fear, but Sorey's cooperating so much that he can't stay mad. It serves no purpose.]

...Anyway, don't do that again.

Mikleo, [Sorey murmurs, turning his gaze upward and reaching up to touch his face. They'd all been equally exhausted, Mikleo even moreso than the others just because of how useful his element had been. Sorey hadn't even realized how Mikleo's presence had been keeping him calm until it wasn't there anymore.] ...I'm sorry I scared you.

[Mikleo exhales quietly, reaching up to grasp Sorey's hands and tug them away. He's not looking to be comforted- he's not looking for anything, really. He just needs Sorey to acknowledge it.]

You should be. You scared all of us.

[Sorey watches Mikleo's face, hand lowering, feeling a little hurt but knowing he'd done his fair share of hurting others in the past few days too.

So he just rolls back over, head still on Mikleo's lap, and tries to get some sleep. First step is to stop Mikleo from worrying.]

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