driftfleet | Twelfth Blight

Entry tags:

Twelfth Blight - voice

Who: Riona and you
Broadcast: Yup
Action: On the Blue Fish if desired
When: September 2nd

[These past weeks have been rough, to say the least. Today has been harder than normal, though she knows why. Ultimately it shouldn't matter, she tells herself. It's just another day, nothing's different-

No, that's a load of crock and she knows it. Birthdays aren't meant to be spent alone.

Ordinarily she'd just take to going to one of the Iskaulit's bars to help her ignore her troubles. Or maybe, since they've landed now, she can try and find a place planetside. Alcohol makes everything better, right? (No, it doesn't.) Yet she finds herself hoping to find another way to spend her birthday, rather than just doing what she's been doing for weeks: get drunk until she stumbles back to her bed and wakes up with a hangover. Logically she knows if she says something about it, her friends will reach out to her. But something holds her back, some combination of not wanting to seem needy and looking like she's throwing a pity party for herself. Besides, she's never been one to broadcast - figuratively or literally - her problems. Why start now?

Even still, it's harder to plug her ears and pretend everything's going okay today. It'd be nice to just... do something for once. Go out, have fun. Maybe even smile. But she feels more or less glued to her bed, and no matter what she tells herself, she finds it hard to work up the desire to get up.

...okay, maybe she should. Ask for help. Subtly. Luckily, her communicator is nearby.]

Lovely little place we've come to, isn't it? [From what little she's seen of it through the windows.] Though, given the recent rash of nightmares and how this planet "sings" like some of the other ones did, I suspect there's something underneath the idyllic facade this place presents. Or maybe I've just grown cynical. [Or wised up to Atroma's patterns.] Maybe it's nothing, but... be careful down there, everyone.

[It's a struggle to keep her tone light, as if she's merely discussing what color she should paint her door.] Matters of cynicism or caution aside, I have a query for you all. How do you motivate yourself to... go do something? Not necessarily to be productive, but more just because you know you should be doing something, rather than letting yourself sink into a rut? There's not a lack of things to do, especially now that we've landed, but sometimes it's... difficult to find the motivation. [Okay that sounds mildly alarming and that's not her intention at all.] Just every now and then [More like nearly every day], but it's frustrating when it happens nonetheless, doubly so when there's a new planet to explore. Maybe it's just a matter of riding it out, but any advice would be appreciated.

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[He feels guilty, because he knows he has not helped with her general mood. His actions have had much further reaching consequences than he first thought. So, when he speaks, he's quiet. Avoidant, almost. ]

Perhaps start with something smaller. Easy. Something you can walk away from if you find you do not care for it. The planet may offer a few short distractions, at least.

[Oh, Fenris. A part of her is still angry, but it's hard to be so when he's trying to help, even after their last conversation. It's heartening to hear from him, even with her worries weighing down on her so heavily it feels hard to breathe.]

Something that doesn't require much commitment. That would be a start. On some days, though, it's hard to rationalize even getting out of bed or off the ship.

Have you thought to take a job up on the planet? Normally, all they require is some muscle, the work is usually quick and easy- and you have a chance to punch those who cross you, if you should choose a security job.

[Punching things makes HIM feel better, he's sure it'll work for her too, yeah. ]

[True, punching things does help quite a bit.]

It's crossed my mind. It's just a matter of... actually getting up and going on the planet. I've heard a couple people suggest establishing a routine. [Which would help, she knows.] Just... sometimes I wonder what's even the point.

To still live, Riona, that is the point. When everything else is at its darkest, it is getting up and continuing to exist. Not letting it drag you down and become a...nothing.

I'm just so tired. Here, I always live in fear of losing everyone and being left with alone. As each person leaves, I'll likely never see them again. Back home, I live with a noose around my neck, one that can pull taut at any moment. There's just... there's not a lot of hope left from where I'm standing.

Then don't do it for hope. Hope is a dangerous thing that can be crushed too easily. Do it for the people still here who care for you, for those who might yet arrive here. Maker, do it for yourself. I know a thing or two about having nothing, but lying down and letting it defeat you is no way of handling it.

I know better than to consider the possibility of people yet to arrive here. That's a dangerous game to play. [And that hinges on hope.] Those who remain need not worry. I'm capable of caring for myself, these moments aside. [Because the last thing she wants is people fussing over her. She should have known better than to make this post. Should have known it'd kick up concern. Maker, she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.]

And me? A woman without a future or without a purpose isn't much of one at all.

[...well that got dark.]

[Perhaps someone else would be swayed by this. Unfortunately, this is Fenris, and he absolutely will not be. When he speaks again, there's a sharpness to his tone that normally doesn't come out to her. ]

Vishante kaffas, Riona, are you even listening to yourself? You would swear you were dead already! You have a life here, but only if you are willing to make it one. Are you so willing to lay down and do nothing, to waste a chance you have been given here? I thought you were the Hero of Ferelden, the woman who stopped the Blight. Are you honestly going to tell me that this is what you will allow to defeat you? Apathy?

Edited 2017-09-04 01:42 (UTC)

[Hurt and rage bubble in her throat. Her prior anger with him isn't helping matters. Deep down, she knows he has a point, she knows that she's feeling sorry for herself and that she needs a kick in the ass. But it's just a bit too soon for it. And reason isn't winning out here.]

I've tried! I made friends, I made a little home, I did everything I could to make something out of my life here! And what do I get? Most of it's been taken from me! Almost all of my crew gone in a matter of weeks! By the time I'd been able to start grieving for one, another left! And then another, and another. I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of the people I have left. Forgive me for not being the type to just put on a smile and carry on, Fenris!

[And she does not appreciate having that title thrown in her face. Not the one she's most proud of, that she's felt that she's earned.]

I am the bloody Hero of Ferelden. But I'm just a person, too. I'm not invincible. I live for my country, for my husband, and for my friends. Almost all of that is gone from my life and I can't even look forward to going home someday myself, because chances are, I'll be dead within the year. Every day I wake up, terrified that someone else has gone home, someone I'll never see again. Maybe it's easy for you and others to live like that, every day, but it's not for me.

I've spent my entire life being strong. For my family, for my friends, for Ferelden, for Alistair... I carried that here, too. Didn't always do it well, but I tried. But it's not a bottomless well. I gave and I fought and I struggled and it's gotten me where? So I'm sorry that I find myself exhausted and not sure where to go. I'm sorry that I went against my code of trying to be the hero everyone demands I be at every bloody moment and reach out for help, and hoping that maybe I could draw some strength from my friends, so I didn't have to spend my birthday alone in bed. Sorry I'm such a fucking disappointment.

[Of course Fenris responds to anger with anger of his own. It takes very little to set him off at the best of times, this is just tinder to the fire. ]

You don't need to smile and carry on, but you asked for help for your motivation- do not get angry with me just because I have given you an answer you do not wish to hear, simply because I do not want to see you waste away. You do not have to be invincible to be a hero, but feeling sorry for yourself won't help, either. You are letting this break your spirit and it is heartbreaking to see, you should-

[Oh hang on, wait. ]

...It's your birthday?

[Welp. Now he feels like a tool, again. ]

[Wow they suck at this.

There's a lot Riona wants to say - well, more like to scream - but the argument's come to something of a halt when he asks about her birthday. In all honesty, she hadn't quite meant to let that slip, but there's not much taking it back now. And she knows that it's probably a good thing to seize the opportunity.]

Yes, it is.

[They really suck at this. He's quiet for a moment, before letting out a shuddery exhale. He rubs the back of his head. Right. Pull it together. ]

...I apologise, I was not aware.

Happy birthday?

[He sucks so bad at this.]

I don't really announce it, so it's not like I expected anyone to remember. But thank you.

[She sighs, running a hand through her hair.]

I know what you're saying. Right now it's just like, all the fight's been taken out of me. It feels like I've been doing nothing but that for years and it's gotten me barely anywhere. I don't have a purpose or something to work towards here so I'm just left with no direction or any outlet. And... yeah, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself, but it's my bloody birthday and so far it's been awful.

[He doesn't remember his at all, so he's always a little at a loss of what to do with birthdays in general. He wants her to be happy, though, that much he does know. He just wishes he could give it to her. ]

Then don't fight, but live. I think you of all people deserve as much of a normal life as you can get here. Perhaps, you just need to find a new goal. Something different to strive towards.

...Is there anything I can do to help? I have wine.

That'd be nice. It just seems so empty anymore. I know I shouldn't complain, I'm not friendless. Just feeling the losses especially hard today, I guess.

[That manages a little chuckle out of her, at least.]

Wine's always good. And company. I wonder if I can scrounge up a cake somewhere, too...

Have you thought of teaching, perhaps? You are a very skilled warrior. I am sure others would appreciate learning from you.

[He doesn't want to overstep. He knows she's likely still angry at him for what he's done. ]

I can provide both wine and company, if you so wish.

Perhaps. I'm not sure how much of an interest there is here. Those guns tend to do the job pretty well when it comes to protection.

[Amidst all this technology and whatnot, would anyone care to learn something as old fashioned as fighting with a sword?]

I think I'd like that, if you're willing.

They do, but there are plenty of people who still would prefer a sword. I am trying to teach Pavel to defend himself better. Perhaps I can send him your way?

[But don't hurt his tiny Russian son, okay. ]

Yes. I would like that very much.

If he's willing. Have you just taught him hand to hand, or gone beyond that?

[Look she makes no promises. It's do or die!!]

Then it shall be. I suppose in the interest of actually getting up off my ass, I will meet you somewhere.

Hand to hand, so far. He's interested in learning more, however.

[She'd still probably be less murder-y than Fenris tends towards, so there's that.]

Certainly. Where would you like to meet? Not the demon bar.

Good place to start. But yes, if he'd like to learn how to wield a sword, I wouldn't mind training him, so long as he's willing to commit.

[Less murder-y, yes, but she won't take a soft line on him either.]

Why's the Malum a demon bar? Anyway, I should probably actually go out and get fresh air. Maybe on the planet somewhere? Did you see any good places?

Good. I could train him myself, but I fear it might be a little much for him. Thank you.

[Perfect combo, really. ]

Because it is owned by a demon. [COME ON, RIONA!!! ] We can give it a try. I tend to avoid the singing plants as a rule, but perhaps we can find something?

Not the gentlest teacher, I take it?

[It wouldn't surprise her.]

Oh, is it? Honestly, I've never met the proprietor, as I usually frequent the other bar. Huh. That's... interesting. Didn't think demons had business acumen. [Perhaps something to ask Marian about later.] There should be plenty. From what I've seen, the city looks nice enough. I can meet you by the city entrance and we can explore from there?

Gentleness is not exactly my forte.

[Not that that should be surprising to anyone who's spent more than five seconds in his general presence. ]

Apparently this one can. I wish to avoid it as much as possible. [Fucking DEMONS. ] Certainly, I will see you there soon. It will be...pleasant.

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