two ○ voice / text

[mylegacy]

Who: Caesar Zeppeli & u
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: None this time!
When: Late night, 7/28

( joseph : voice : 1 am )

[The dreams are always the same. A great wind comes and cuts his skin; he is alone, and it hurts, but he doesn't cry out, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth in the dry air. Blood bubbles out of his nose. He is very afraid.]

[He's pretty sure he doesn't make any noise during these dreams. No one's said anything, anyway. He could get away with keeping it to himself. But tonight something at the base of his skull urges him to tell secrets.]

[His voice, when it comes, is very quiet.]

Are you awake?

( public : text : 2 am )

I have questions about nightmares.

Do you have them? How often? What do you do to make them go away?


( ooc ; caesar is affected by augment glitches / compulsion! )

Comments

[nextlineis]

[Joseph can feel Caesar finally relax. He's not sure if it's because of their hands or if he can just sense it, but he knows the moment that Caesar finally lets go of all the tension he was holding. Even in the dim light of the cabin, he can see the difference in Caesar's smile. It's not like when they were with the kids where it was buzzing with excitement and joy, but it's not like his usual smile which tends to err on the side of reserved.]

[No, it's something different. It's still bright and happy, but it's different. It's a good look for him. Joseph wonders if he'll get to see it again sometime and hopes that he does as he lets go of the breath he didn't realize he had started to hold.]

[He likes this, he finds. He likes learning things about Caesar, seeing new things about him. Joseph wonders if they're things that have always been there and he's just never taken the time to notice or maybe Caesar's kept hidden, or if it's all completely new to both of them. He never asks, but he often wonders it all the same. He comes to the same conclusion now as he almost always does that it doesn't really matter in the end which it is. He's seen it and that, in of itself, is a gift all on its own. For both of them, he thinks.]

[He starts snickering, trying to keep his laugh quiet so it doesn't carry beyond this room, when Caesar starts "clearing his schedule." He can't help it. It's about the most absurd thing he's ever seen Caesar do. All he can do is let the laughter happen and try to keep it down, turning his head into the pillow. Which is good because what Caesar says next, reflecting his words back at him, he feels a sudden tug. It's not a physical thing, but something else. Just this sudden and insatiable need to be close. Closer. And he doesn't even know closer means at this point. There's not a whole lot of space between them, they've shared a lot of things with each other tonight, and Joseph thinks about Caesar's smile. He's presented with pieces, but no idea how they're supposed to fit together or if they even should. What little he does know, what he can recognize, is that he likes it. There's a security there in having. It's familiar in a way that having a best friend like this isn't quite for Joseph.]

[Joseph doesn't have time to think about it for very long though, his laughter settles down faster than he meant for it to and he feels like looking at Caesar again anyway. He turns his head again to look at Caesar and there's something shy in his smile now that he's not aware of. All he's really aware of about himself is that his heartbeat is currently very loud in his ears.]

Perfect.

[mylegacy]

[The shyness in Joseph's smile catches Caesar entirely off-guard. He's only ever seen Joseph like this once or twice. His smiles are usually so wide, so infectious that it's a real trial not to smile with him. This, though, is something else entirely. It's not a small smile, but it is shockingly tentative, full of softness instead of brash self-assurance.]

[Caesar loves all of Joseph's smiles, but this one thrills him, and it takes a moment for him to figure out why. It's because he's never seen it directed at anyone but him. This is Joseph's smile for Caesar, for their quiet moments, for soft touches and soft words, secrets and quiet jokes. It's a side of Joseph that not many people get to see, and the fact that Caesar is allowed makes him feel incredibly privileged.]

[Privileged and loved, because that's what it is, isn't it? They do love each other in their own way - a way that might not make sense to other people, but that doesn't matter, because they understand it. Not perfectly, not effortlessly, it takes work that Caesar isn't used to putting into other people and that Joseph probably isn't either, but it's worth it. It's so worth it. He wouldn't trade it for anything.]

[Joseph says perfect and Caesar thinks you are, and reddens in the dark, his eyes fixed sharply on Joseph's face. It's not true, he knows. Joseph is full of flaws. He's loud and annoying and rude, he's privileged, he's arrogant, he doesn't think before he speaks, and he's got no culture to speak of. But it doesn't feel like a wrong thought. It feels very right, like a secret he's been keeping from himself. There's a kind of perfection in someone who would drop everything to help you, isn't there? Maybe it's possible for someone to be not perfect objectively, but perfect for someone else.]

[Everything about this situation is leaving him breathless. Not the way his dreams did, when he woke up scared and alone, all sharp-edged emotion. It's a pleasant kind of confusion he's feeling now, and he wants it to continue, desperately wants to fall asleep like this, with Joseph's fingers twined in his, their breaths mingling on the pillow. But he wants to be closer, too, and unlike Joseph, the augment glitch means he can't hold himself back.]

[There is a moment when he tries not to, but it's no good, and anyway, part of him has always been awful at resisting temptation. He shifts on the cot, pressing himself closer, trying as well as he can to make himself small. The hand in Joseph's comes up to rest on Caesar's side, tugging him along; he tucks his head under Joseph's chin and sighs, pleased, feeling precisely, perfectly comfortable.]

What do you want to do for lunch tomorrow, Jojo? [Or breakfast, he thinks; he can't imagine they won't have breakfast together after this. But that seems - loaded, so he keeps it to himself as his eyes slide half-shut, breath coming slow against Joseph's neck.]

[nextlineis]

[For just a brief second, Joseph isn't sure what Caesar is doing when he moves their hands. But he picks up on it and understands quickly once Caesar is actually moving closer to him. At first, he is a little confused. It's what he wanted, but he didn't know how Caesar knew that. Or did he actually know that? It seems entirely possible that Caesar just wanted to be close to Joseph again, too, right? He's been using Joseph as an anchor and a point of safety lately. So, it would make sense that staying close to Joseph might feel like it will keep the nightmares away. Or maybe that's just Joseph getting self-important again.]

[But then he feels the tickle of Caesar's breath on his neck and he stops thinking altogether for a few seconds. Instead, he has a small debate about whether or not to keep holding Caesar's hand or to just drape his arm the rest of the way around Caesar to keep him close. He decides, in the end, not to move. He wants to stay just like this at least for a little while, feeling warm and a pleasant buzz in his head that he can't tell if it's from contentment or really settling down to sleep again.]

Mmm... [Joseph closes his eyes and turns his head down a little, his face in Caesar's hair for just a breath before moving away again. He feels like a thief, relishing in taking something he probably shouldn't. Even just that short second or two was enough for Joseph to fill himself with Caesar's scent--soap and flowers that he probably can't pronounce from bubbles and over-priced shampoo--and it's only once he does that he realizes he's surrounded in it here in Caesar's cot.] I found this place that sells these things that are sorta like cheeseburgers, but made with fish. The texture's a little weird since it's not a real cheeseburger, but they taste really good and--

Wait, [he interrupts himself, only opening his eyes a little.] Have you ever even had a cheeseburger before?

[mylegacy]

[Caesar barely notices Joseph's face in his hair while it's happening. He didn't expect it. Really, he'd thought - Joseph would probably tolerate his closeness and only tolerate it, allow him to take comfort from his presence and not initiate anything further. While it's happening, he's focused on the crook of Joseph's neck, the way his collarbone forms shadows against his skin in the dim light, how he smells a little like salt from tears and a little bit inexplicably Joseph-y, like good food and hard work.]

[Once Joseph lifts his head again, though, it begins to dawn on Caesar what just happened. He smiles softly against Joseph's skin, pleased and relieved that nobody but him knows how dazed and uncertain his smile is right now, how warm his cheeks feel. Joseph paying attention to him is the best feeling in the world, even when he's being awful. Joseph paying attention to him like this is - he doesn't know how to categorize it. It's another one of those things he didn't know he needed until it was already happening.]

[He tips his head up a little, bumping against Joseph's chin, trying without words to say it's okay, you can do that again. He hopes that, even if he doesn't do it again, Joseph feels as safe holding him as Caesar does being held.]

[The question makes him laugh softly; he shakes his head, his voice low and teasing and a little sleepy.]

Never. Are you going to get very upset about that? [He's pretty sure the answer is yes.]

[nextlineis]

[Perhaps logically (or is it illogically?), Joseph should just be tolerating the contact. At this point, their legs are a little more tangled together to make room for knees and there's so little space between their torsos that it might as well not even be there in the first place. In a way, it doesn't feel like it is there anyway with their shared body heat. There are very few reasons that Joseph should find himself in need of this and that's just the thing of it. There should be a need, not a strong desire. But the latter is all there is and Joseph has willingly stopped thinking about it so much. He's able to dismiss it as it's just a small cot and it's been a rough night for the both of them. It's just the sun that comes out after a storm.]

[(But somewhere, it feels more than that. Less straight forward and simple in the back of Joseph's mind where he has an awareness that something has changed between them. They're not just physically closer to one another tonight. The difficult look they had to take at the things they didn't want to think about much less look at has drawn them closer. And not in that slow, natural way that they have been almost languorously spiraling towards one another. It was a jump that Joseph certainly wasn't aware of with everything happening in such an intensity and speed.)]

[He feels the little bump to his chin, but he doesn't get the message. He just reacts to Caesar's lack of cheeseburgers with a roll of his eyes.]

Ugh, what kind of question is that? [he groans, closing his eyes. But even without receiving the earlier message, Joseph turns his face back down into Caesar's hair. Because it's closer and easier than the pillow at this point.] Of course I'm upset. You talk about me being uncultured.

Listen, cheeseburgers are one of my favorite things about America. There's a lot of things to like about America, but cheeseburgers are right at the top of that list. It's like...well it's like what gelato is to ice cream, but with burgers. [A beat of silence before Joseph realizes what he just said. Then he hurriedly adds,] To you, anyway.

[That was not an admission of defeat to that debate of gelato versus ice cream, Caesar. Don't you fucking dare get smug and pretend like it was. Joseph still thinks they're the same goddamn thing. It doesn't make any less delicious, but it's ice cream.]

[And really, the point is cheeseburgers.]

[mylegacy]

[Maybe Caesar should be paying closer attention to what Joseph is saying, but it's sort of hard to at this point. He's very warm and extremely comfortable, even though the cot's small and they're really not. Joseph's leg is tucked snugly over his, their fingers are wound tight together, and Joseph's face is in his hair again. He arches into that contact without meaning to, just a little, his toes curling and catching in the sheets.]

[Eventually what Joseph is saying filters through. It takes a while, but he gets there. Hopefully the delayed response and the slow way he's speaking, like he's trying to chase down words that are running away from him, will be attributed to exhaustion and not . . . whatever this is that he doesn't want to look at head-on.]

You can't blame me, Jojo. I've never been to America. I only know what the good things about it are through you.

[And he does laugh a little at Joseph's slip-up, light and soft into his neck. He won't make a big deal of it, not now; he feels so good, so safe, and he doesn't want to fight. Maybe tomorrow he'll bring it up again when they go to get lunch, tease Joseph about it then - he certainly can't let it go for long. But in the meantime he'll keep his mouth shut.]

[Halfway out of his control, his thumb reaches out to graze Joseph's knuckles, his fingers squeezing Joseph's lightly. He blinks slowly, yawns, and buries his face in Joseph's neck again.]

You should tell me other American things I'm uncultured about. Tell me everything, please.

[nextlineis]

[Joseph probably would assume it's exhaustion causing these gaps in responses, where words seem to remain suspended until one or both of them can be bothered with them. But this is only a probably because Joseph's attention is now geared more on his own sleepiness that's managed to accumulate during the pauses without much notice on his part until now when he identified the source of his slip-up. His breathing at this point is slowing gradually with each inhale and exhale lasting just a little bit longer than the ones that came before. It's not yet deep enough that there's a gentle pause between breaths, but a few more minutes and he'll surely be there.]

[The first parts of what Caesar says gets a little jumbled after Joseph's attention gets a little stuck on himself. He knows that he hears the words and he knows each word has its own meaning somewhere in his head, but for the life of him, he cannot find them save the proper nouns and good. He smiles reflexively and lazily, deciding to agree with Caesar. Except that's about as far as he gets because he doesn't know what's entirely been said and he doesn't want to look like an idiot (more so than usual) or seem like he wasn't paying attention (which he wasn't, but only for that second!). Staying quiet seems like the right idea and seems to work since Caesar speaks again anyway.]

[But he make a better effort to listen better this time. The thumb along his knuckles and the light squeeze on his hand gives him something to focus on that makes listening easier. Caesar's hand is warm in his and he's fascinated in that brief moment with how gentle his touch can be. It feels important that it's for him that Caesar is so gentle right now, although he can't exactly place why. He just remembers he was trying to focus better and in a weird way, Joseph doesn't hear the exact words, but still manages to catch what they mean. It's almost as if he was eavesdropping on another conversation.]

Mm? After a yawn like that?

[And then he remembers something that he had decided earlier. He had decided to hold Caesar's hand for now, in that moment, after Caesar had moved closer. He thinks now is a good time to let go and does so. It's not like the way in the restaurant though. It's not a sharp or sudden break. Joseph isn't recoiling--that's the last thing on his mind--he's letting go slowly. He takes back his fingers one-by-one and starts tracing small, light circles with his fingertips in Caesar's palm.]

There's too much to tell you tonight. But tomorrow. [A little bit longer of a pause passes than Joseph means to.] Tomorrow, I will. I promise.

[He stops tracing his circles, sliding his finger up Caesar's wrist and arm until Joseph can comfortable wrap his arm around him. For just a brief moment, it's a tight hold. But then whatever tension may have been left in Joseph lets go and it's a loose arm around Caesar, but it's very important to Joseph that it stay even loosely around him. Why? He just wants to keep Caesar close. There's no deeper meaning than that. At least not one that he's aware of.]

[Joseph shakes his head a little, though it ends up being closer to a nuzzle with how minute his movements are.]

No, I'll tell you everything tomorrow, [he promises again with a soft, content sigh.] We got a busy day planned and you sound half-awake anyway.

[He says this as if he believes faring in the fight against sleep any better at this point, of course. If Caesar were to ask right now if Joseph was tired or sleepy, he'd deny it even on a yawn.]

You'd just end up falling asleep on me and I'd just have to figure out where you nodded off tomorrow.

[mylegacy]

[This time, when Joseph starts to pull away, Caesar doesn't panic. He couldn't say exactly why. Maybe he's too sleepy to react very strongly. Maybe it's just that by now, after everything they've said and done and shared tonight, he finally trusts that Joseph isn't going to leave him. That they will fall asleep like this, and when he wakes up, he'll still be tucked safely in Joseph's arms. That he'll dream of things that are Joseph, wide smiles and sun and surf and touch (soft and rough) and laughter ringing in his ears. And warmth, too. Always warmth.]

[Whatever the reason, Caesar loosens his grip and allows Joseph to pull away slowly. He isn't expecting the light touch of Joseph's fingers in his palm, though, and shivers at the sensation, shoulders tensing, fingers flexing. It's like having his fortune read, only it's too dark to see anything at all, so what is it that Joseph's reading?]

Tickles, Jojo, [he murmurs with a sharp exhale, not quite a complaint. It tickles, but it feels good, too, in a distracting, confusing way. It feels like teasing, but he can't detect any trace of a joke in Joseph's tone.]

[Then Joseph's hand is sliding up his arm, and he inhales, one long slow breath that he doesn't let out until he's wrapped tightly in Joseph's arms. His skin prickles, his heart beating hard; he still feels sleepy, but electrified, too, and overstimulated. Abruptly he remembers, as he's remembered sometimes at odd times throughout the day, that moment in the ocean when he had Joseph pinned beneath him, the waves beating hard against his side, salt on his lips and a smile on Joseph's. It wasn't the same feeling, not exactly, but the source was the same, somewhere deep and delicate in his chest, something that wants to burst out of him and make him do foolish things like taking Joseph's face in his hands and thinking so loudly that he's beautiful.]

[He bites his lip and, since he can now, since his arm's free, slings it around Joseph's waist, pulling him closer almost possessively. No, not almost; it is possessive. He knows he's the only one who's allowed to get this close. He knows that, and he likes it. He wants it to stay that way. The urge hits abruptly to slide his fingers under the hem of Joseph's shirt, to feel the line of his spine, the strength of his backbone. This he resists, just barely, though he does curl his fingers tightly enough to ruck up the fabric a little.]

[A small nod of acquiescence is the only response Joseph gets, at least until Caesar remembers how to breathe and presses his face to his shirt again, filtering the world through the smell of him to make it safer.]

Tell me something else now, then. It'll keep you from snoring a little longer.

[nextlineis]

[Joseph's not really used to being held like this. The way Caesar's arm is wrapped around him feels different, though he can't quite place his finger on it right away. He knows that it feels categorically good and he likes it, but he can't place why that is. And then after a moment or two of trying to figure out what it is, it strikes him as something fairly obvious. He thinks it's something more characteristic of himself than of Caesar.]

[Any other time that Caesar has wrapped his arms around him and bunched up his shirt in his hands, it's been seeking. Joseph has fumbled around each time until he could figure out what it was Caesar was looking for, but he'd get there eventually. Once he did, Caesar's grip and hold would shift, but it was still that same quiet desperation for something steady in different forms. There's nothing desperate about how he's holding Joseph now though. This time it's with confidence and almost entitlement. He's not needed, he's wanted. It should probably aggravate Joseph since he so often feels that way, but he doesn't mind it. No, as he noticed earlier, he likes it. It feels better to him to not have anything placed upon him beyond just being there.]

You make it sound like I snore really loud or something when you say it like that. It's not that bad... [he whines and mumbles. But he knows better. There's a moment's hesitation before he hesitantly asks,] That's not gonna keep you up, is it?

[Joseph Joestar can sometimes be a considerate human being once in a while. He's trying really hard to be tonight, anyway.]

[mylegacy]

[It's actually a little astonishing how accommodating Joseph's been tonight. Caesar had sort of thought that he'd be indulged, that they might have a stiff conversation, that whether Joseph stayed or went, they wouldn't resolve much. In the worst case scenario, they might have fought. But somehow, none of what he expected actually happened. Instead, Joseph was here for him, unflinchingly present, stable and mature in a way that Caesar never would have expected possible when they first met.]

[Joseph's grown up a lot, though. So has he, he thinks, although in very different ways. And he realizes, too, that he was far more resistant to it when he was alive. The prospect of change made him uncomfortable, left him feeling weak, as though he would be leaving behind all that was important to him. He clung stubbornly to a goal that ended up killing him, and now . . .]

[Something about the Fleet is changing him. He can feel it. Maybe it's all the time he has to spend on himself, time he never took before, because neither Lisa Lisa nor his conscience could allow it. Time away from the comforting distractions of girls and food and wine, time spent considering what future is and if he's allowed to have one. It's not really growing up - he knows he acts older than he is most of the time. It's growing down, maybe, or growing into himself, whoever he really is. And some days he has absolutely no idea what that might be, or, if he looks in the mirror in two months, who he might see.]

[One thing is the same: change still terrifies him. Routine is safe. Equilibrium is safe. Sea changes, like what's happened here tonight, are unpredictable and dangerous. There's so much that Caesar wants to preserve, not destroy, and that's new for him, makes him even more afraid that it's going to be ripped out of his hands.]

[Maybe that's why he doesn't want to see. He doesn't want this to change, not really. Joseph is his first best friend, his partner, someone he would die over and over to protect. That should be enough. He believes in selfishness, but not to the point of destruction.]

[Which is why, when he leans his head back just enough that he can see Joseph, so that they lie a breath away from each other on the pillow, refusing to loosen the grip in Joseph's shirt, he doesn't push. There has already been so much pushing. Joseph has pushed himself tonight, Caesar knows he has, and he's been so good, so brave, so strong. It's Caesar's turn now, and if that means protecting Joseph - protecting both of them - from an unstable, uncertain truth, then that's what he'll do.]

[He still smiles at Joseph, though. He's pretty sure he's forgotten how to stop.]

No. It'll just let me know you're here.

[And that's exactly what he needs - what he wants, too. It's perfect.]

[nextlineis]

[If he was aware of the decision, Joseph would be grateful for it. He knows something's changed tonight. Or maybe one or both of them has changed and they're reacting to it. Whatever the case is, noticing the change is more than enough for Joseph. He'd much rather leave the thinking to someone else or, at the very least, for another time. He's okay with where things are and he's comfortable staying right there with them.]

[But as with many things, Joseph is oblivious to how much Caesar is holding back and why. The only thing he's noticeably skeptical about is Caesar claiming that Joseph's snoring won't bother him. Given how particular Caesar can be about some things, he would expect that he needs noise to be at or below a certain volume to sleep. But even in the dim light, he can see a sincere look in Caesar's eyes and smile. He breathes a small sigh of relief he didn't know he was holding back because he wanted to stay, but he also didn't want to be contributing to Caesar not getting any sleep. He quickly tries to cover that relief up though because that's not like him to feel insecurity or unsure of himself. He glances elsewhere for a brief moment before decidedly closing his eyes so he doesn't have to see if Caesar noticed or not.]

[And also maybe to try and cover up any amount of giddiness he feels at being what he assumes to be helpful simply by being here.]

Then I better not hear any complaining in the morning. I'll remember you said that.

[mylegacy]

[He sees it, that indecision, that insecurity, but he doesn't quite know how to place it. Joseph is so rarely unsure of himself that it's a completely foreign expression on his face. Caesar considers trying to pick it apart, to figure out exactly what it is that Joseph is thinking and feeling, but then decides that that's contrary to what he's already decided: that Joseph's been pushed far enough, that they should be allowed to rest now.]

[So when Joseph closes his eyes, Caesar doesn't pry into why, just rubs small circles on Joseph's back and turns his face into the pillow, this time not out of discomfort but exhaustion.]

I'll only complain if you kick me out of bed.

[Even then, he might not. He's definitely tired, but he doesn't think he's going to fall asleep anytime soon. There are some things he has to think about, questions he wants to ask, which he'll do after Joseph's fallen asleep. Because the first thing on his list is paying Joseph back for what he's done tonight, giving him a safe and comfortable space to be just like Joseph's given him that safety, that comfort. Their relationship isn't one that needs equitable exchange, but it helps. It smooths the way, and Caesar very much wants things to be smooth at least for a little while longer.]

[nextlineis]

Mm... I'll try not to. But I'm not making any promises.

[The hand at his back has Joseph's near entire attention. Joseph stays at least vaguely aware of Caesar tucked under his arm and Caesar's breathing. His skin tingles a little where its already been, tingling a little more when he goes over the same spots again. After a while, it seems to be the only thing he can actually feel or even begin to notice. He starts predicting where Caesar's hand will go for the next circle, a little private game he plays by himself.]

[He's not thinking about anything else, not about what happened tonight or what will happen tomorrow. He's just sorta there. With Caesar. He ends up scooting just a little closer to Caesar as a source of warmth before he really settles and starts drifting.]

[mylegacy]

[Listening to Joseph falling asleep is an oddly fascinating experience. He spent an exorbitant amount of time getting his siblings to go to bed when he was younger, of course, before they were able to regulate all of that themselves. But he never took this kind of comfort from it. He always paid careful attention to their breathing, to making sure it was even and that they felt safe and weren't having bad dreams. With Joseph, though, he's attentive to every detail: the way his muscles begin to relax as he drifts into sleep, the way he curls a little closer without seeming to mean to, the way his voice trails off and he goes quieter than Caesar's ever heard him before.]

[When his breathing is long and slow and even and he's kept his mouth shut for five whole minutes at a stretch, Caesar lets his hand still. He watches Joseph in the dark for a moment, entirely unconscious of the fondness in his expression; then he presses his face into Joseph's shoulder one more time, breathing in the smell of him and letting exhaustion wrap around him like a blanket.]

[He turns in Joseph's grip so that his back is to Joseph's chest, his hair tickling his chin, and gently pulls his arm around his shoulder. Then he reaches out for his communicator. He's not ready to sleep yet, but he doesn't want to leave the bed, either, so this is, he thinks, a good (safe, warm) compromise.]