driftfleet | two ○ voice / text

Entry tags:

two ○ voice / text

Who: Caesar Zeppeli & u
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: None this time!
When: Late night, 7/28

( joseph : voice : 1 am )

[The dreams are always the same. A great wind comes and cuts his skin; he is alone, and it hurts, but he doesn't cry out, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth in the dry air. Blood bubbles out of his nose. He is very afraid.]

[He's pretty sure he doesn't make any noise during these dreams. No one's said anything, anyway. He could get away with keeping it to himself. But tonight something at the base of his skull urges him to tell secrets.]

[His voice, when it comes, is very quiet.]

Are you awake?

( public : text : 2 am )

I have questions about nightmares.

Do you have them? How often? What do you do to make them go away?

( ooc ; caesar is affected by augment glitches / compulsion! )

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["Not in any special way." The fact that he needs to specify makes Caesar a little suspicious, from one hoe to another.]

That's true in general, isn't it? Nightmares or no nightmares.

[hey, who would he be do disagree? it's not like he's lying...]

Well, for the most part. I suppose I can't really argue.

Edited 2015-08-03 04:56 (UTC)

It's not that inconvenient, either.

That's where I'll disagree. I find that it's sometimes more trouble than it's worth. Besides, I rather like my nights alone. It's very rare for me to find quiet in my day.

Oh, that kind of inconvenient. [He thought you meant difficult.]

Are you that popular? I've found myself with a lot of time on my hands here, at least comparatively.

It helps that I've been around for a while. Whether or not I'm popular can probably be debated--but I'm used to having to keep busy.

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places for things to do.

What kind of things make you happy?

[This . . . is an excellent question. Fighting. Sex. Egregious and unnecessary violence. Although none of those are right, either, not really; they don't make him happy, they just keep him stable, bare-bones human connection even if it isn't particularly healthy or deep. Food? Not quite. Beautiful things . . . maybe. He does love beauty.]

Sunflowers.

[Which isn't what he meant to type, exactly, so he frowns in the dark and follows up with:]

Family, but that isn't applicable here. Friends, I suppose. [Closeness, he thinks, and listens to Joseph's breathing.] I've liked learning here. Not about Atroma, but about people's lives.

[oh, this conversation is already very worth his time.]

Learning is my favorite. Everyone's interesting, here... Even the dull personalities come from strange places and carry stories with them. People have such a wonderful capacity for fascination and hope, even at their worst. I love getting to know that. And birds. But there aren't many birds in space, it turns out.

I think . . . I've spent less time learning about people, and more time learning about practicalities. Lessons instead of open-ended exploration. It always seemed necessary at the time.

[Which isn't to say he regrets a thing, but - if there had been time, or if things had ended differently, he might have had a hard time getting around to learning properly.]

Why birds, if you don't mind my asking?

Hey, practicalities can be just as worthwhile.

[he could say more on that part... but it sounds like they could end up digging into something very heavy, there, and he doesn't want to weigh them down too much. besides, birds!]

I don't mind. I had a couple of sisters who liked birds a lot. They nicknamed the rest of our siblings after birds. I guess, since we weren't in a very good place, then, it became kind of... Symbolic of hope, freedom. Better days. It's a cheesy story, I know, but seeing birds around still makes me happy.

Edited 2015-08-16 07:23 (UTC)

[People keep coming to him with stories about their siblings. It's not something that should surprise him, he knows - only children are rare, at least where he comes from - but it still hits him hard every time, knowing what he left behind.]

That's a good memory. [The kind that Rogue would suggest he write down, if it were his.] Not cheesy at all. It's a reminder of simpler things. Family is always something to hang onto in difficult times.

We never had nicknames as elaborate as that. Nicoletta for Nicola, Mimi for Maria, that kind of thing. Some unrepeatable nicknames for me, sometimes. Never birds.

Which one were you?

I was Robin. Still am! I never much liked my other name anyway. And what should I call you?

Caesar Zeppeli. That's all, no nicknames. I like my name just fine. It's got a lot of history.

Cici?

[...that's it, that's the text.]

[wHAT......]

???

[NO]

No?

I really don't think so.

[it is probably a good thing Caesar can't hear his stupid cackle. he'll have to remember that one for later.]

All right. I'll tell you a secret. My brothers and sisters and I all used to sleep together in a pile, because it was warm and there wasn't a monster alive that would pick off one while the rest of us were so close. That's why the nightmares keep quiet when I'm near someone. The little ones would have said that it scares the ghosts away. Why sunflowers?

[Why is he constantly surrounded by people who just want to fuck with him all the time? THIS IS AWFUL. At least there's something else for him to focus on now, even if he does have to read it and then lean back against Joseph for a moment before he comes up with the right thing to say back.]

For a while when I was younger, we were homeless. Not the same thing, but I hope sleeping near me kept them feeling safe in the same way. It's different when you're the oldest, though, I think. It has to be someone I trust, and I don't trust very many people.

[Thanks for the honesty, augment glitch.]

They weren't very expensive, so they were easy to steal - nobody cared enough to chase me down. And they were big and yellow and brightened up the room, even if there was only one. Good memories, I suppose.

I understand.

[there are a dozen other things he could say, and ask, and pick at... and he wants to. these are the kinds of conversations that make him feel happy, useful, not alone. but if the last few months have taught him anything, it's that he has a weak heart, and that he will always be alone.

besides, it's not his place to pull confessions out of his people. confessions must be offered, or else they have no value.]

A reminder of simpler things. If that's what came to you first, those memories must be worth holding on to. I'd suggest you go find yourself some more sunflowers, but those might be harder to find than my birds, around here...

[Funnily enough, he's beginning to find that he responds well to being picked at, at least in the long run. He will not share unless someone makes him, because it feels unsafe and very dangerous - but once he does, he feels lighter, not happy, but not so weighed down, either. He is drawn to strong personalities, open hearts; he is used to being alone, but he doesn't want to be.]

[A reminder of simpler things. He can barely remember simpler things, but - once upon a time, the only thing he had to concern himself with was the safety and security and happiness of his siblings. No legacy, no destiny, no vengeance. Just them.]

[Is he happier now? Or did he simply make the choices he made because he couldn't see any other option?]

Living things in general are hard to find out here. I already checked on the islands, and they don't have anything similar. It's not really the right environment for sunflowers.

I'll have to find other reminders.

Do you believe [He doesn't know where he's going with this, so he just lets words come out without examining them.] that something can be a right choice and a wrong choice at the same time? And are those choices important and worth remembering, just like the ones that are clear-cut and simple?

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

[his answer comes very quickly. he doesn't have to think about this one.]

Here's why: If you make only right choices, anyone who agrees with you is boring. If you make only wrong choices, anyone who agrees with you is a shitty person. If you make choices that are both right and wrong, anyone who says anything about it has an opinion. And you can learn a lot about people from their opinions. Living with those decisions is confusing and uncomfortable, but if you turn them outward and show them to those you meet moving forward, the unique way they respond will tell you more about them than something with an easy answer ever could. If you keep those choices close to you, learn every facet of them... When people see the paths you've taken, you'll know instinctively where their answers put them in accordance with your own compass, your own feelings. Often, I've found the ones who acknowledge both the good and bad in those decisions, as I have, to be the ones who are most worth my time.

[The quickness, the certainty of the response catches him off-guard. What's even more surprising is how wholeheartedly he agrees with it, even though he's never thought any of these things himself - has never had the wherewithal to think about anything outside of his own family unit and, later, the artificial unit created with Lisa Lisa and the single-minded dedication of training. It would be tempting to say he didn't have the time or the energy to put into considering it, but that would be a lie, wouldn't it? He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about anything but the path ahead of him and where it would inevitably end.]

[He doesn't have the luxury of thinking only for himself anymore. So maybe . . . this is a good way to excuse it to himself, to allow other people in, to be honest every once in a while. Because if he learns about people through their opinions on what he does, what he's done, then it's safe. Strategic, rather than dangerous. Rather than terrifying.]

[If he can just convince himself of that, maybe it'll be all right.]

I made a choice a long time ago that determined the rest of my life. How I lived, how I died. But I didn't really talk about it, and I don't want to talk about it now. I don't even know why I'm telling you. It hurts to talk about. It hurts when people think I was wrong. But it's possible it hurts more when I don't say anything.

It wasn't a right choice or a wrong choice. It was the just choice and the only choice. I would do it again, even if I might do it differently. But everyone who knows feels - complicated about it. That's good, isn't it? Complicated is good.

[Lisa Lisa was distant, carefully neutral, trained him well and never passed judgment, but some days he could see the concern in her eyes. If he told Ino . . . he thinks she might understand, but she'd probably yell at him, too, that seems to be her way. And Joseph . . . Joseph is so angry with him all the time, and he knows that's fair and right, but he also feels painfully understood at times.]

[It's complicated. Complicated is good. There's value in disagreement, or they wouldn't have stuck with each other all this time. He reaches out in the dark, then, and twines his fingers with Joseph's, squeezing tight, and understands. And it's terrifying, but not quite as terrifying as he thought it would be. Maybe that will come later.]

It was a choice to take revenge, [he adds, as an afterthought.] If you want to know.

text;

birdsbirdsbirds - 2015-08-28 22:30 (UTC) - Expand

text;

mylegacy - 2015-09-03 05:07 (UTC) - Expand

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