driftfleet | 6. "All you need is love" is a lie 'cause/We had love but we still said goodbye

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6. "All you need is love" is a lie 'cause/We had love but we still said goodbye

Who: Simon Tam and you
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: SS Bloodsport
When: September 1st

[Simon had suddenly fallen asleep for a few days... and when he awoke, it was to find that River was gone.

He didn't want to believe it at first, didn't want to think Atroma's cruelty would extend this far. Maybe she'd been visiting Cole, he thought, or had gone to try and acclimate herself to the Iskaulit, or had simply felt lonely in his absence and had gone to find someone to keep her company.

He searched, he asked around, tried not to panic, but eventually, he had to accept it- she was nowhere to be found. When he broadcasts the news to the network, his voice is monotone, professional.]

River Tam has left the fleet.

[Anyone who comes looking for Simon will find him in the Bloodsport's medbay, staring into space; he's open to talking or treating patients, but likely won't be very talkative.]

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[he nods back, very similarly. his smile is a sympathetic, at least.]

Mind if I have a seat?

Please do.

[Simon himself sat back down with a sigh, though he did meet Robin's eyes, not knowing how this conversation was going to go.]

[he sits quietly on the end of the examination chair, as if he was the patient here. for someone who's not a personnel officer... he's sure been doing a lot of counseling, lately.]

What does it feel like?

[Simon's eyebrows furrowed, and he looked confused.]

What? Loss? Feeling directionless? Like my purpose is gone? [He laughed hollowly.] Take your pick...

Oh... But they're all such good ones, how could I choose?

[he obviously means it in jest, edged with sarcasm... but then his smile sinks away to something a little more serious, and he hunkers down.]

I don't think I've ever told you. I had a few siblings, but one of them... Were twins, really. Conjoined from the shoulders down. We called her Finch, like they called me Robin.

Well, then just take some of each, right?

[Simon tilted his head to one side, his sorrow momentarily forgotten with interest. He and Robin had never exactly shared many details about their lives with each other before- Simon because he was guarded around unfamiliar people.]

... I never knew, no. Were the two of you close? I mean, obviously, you were in physical proximity...

[Robin isn't exactly open around unfamiliar people either. he talks about a lot of things, but he rarely says anything important like this.]

Very close. We weren't blood relatives, but I honestly consider them the best family I ever had.

[he rests his face in his hand, though his eyes stay very much on Simon.]

Now, I could sit here and give you a pep talk, or try to convince you that your sister disappearing isn't so bad, or promise you that she's safe and happy wherever she is--but we both know that none of those things would matter very much right now.

[Simon met Robin's gaze and nodded. It sounded like he knew- and being understood helped.]

I've been telling myself those things, to no avail. In addition to telling myself that I can't... that I should just keep busy and I'll feel better and get distracted. Then feeling guilty for WANTING to move on, and I don't know when or even if I'm going to be sent home, and she's not dead so why do I feel so miserable in the first place... [He paused amd let himself trail off, not meaning for so much to have gotten out.]

[there were a lot of reasons he came to talk to Simon, but the fact that he understands is an important one. he nods, like this is all very normal.]

Well, no one likes hurting. I imagine there's some part of you that knows you can't just be miserable for what may end up being months on end.

But you're a good brother who genuinely loves and cares for his sister, so you can't help feeling bad, either. It's kind of a mess. [he lowers his eyes, more for Simon not to feel like someone's looking at him for a reaction.] And it's not going to get untangled overnight, you know?

Yes... yes, that is exactly it. So that part of me is trying to hurry things along, you know?

[He sighed.]

But there's no magic wand, either, yes. I am just a human, after all- with emotions that I cannot simply shut off at will. And since River depends on me so much, it's hard for me to remember how to exist separately from her.

I'm pretty sure the crew could find more ways to get in trouble, if you really need some dependency...

[a tiny smirk plays on his face... before he waves his hand. he was kidding, honestly. mostly.]

Listen, though. While we're being honest about our imperfect human feelings, I'll tell you a secret.

How true. We'll never not be injured in some way for very long, right?

[But that- that got Simon's attention, and he obviously perked up at that. A secret, hmm? His and River's secret- or at the very least, the part where she was psychic- had gotten out unintentionally, but he hadn't actively sought others'.]

What is it...?

[he hesitates. just a little. he thinks this will help--but he wasn't kidding, this really is something he keeps a secret from everyone he talks to.]

All those things you mentioned, when I first asked--loss, lack of purpose--I understand that. I don't like telling people this because no one likes to know, but the truth is that I didn't feel like I had a purpose or a direction until just a couple of months ago.

[...which is odd, when one thinks about it, because he's been in the Drift Fleet for more than just a couple of months. he was still broken when he got here. he was "lost" for over half the time he's been captaining this ship.]

But I found it here, in this crew, and the people stuck in this ridiculous... [he waves his hand, what does he even call this?] ...Galactic game-show gimmick. I'm far away from my world and everything I was born to do, but I think... I think I can use that purpose here, and I finally know how.

[he smiles wide, very warm. very honest.] I don't have a plan or much of a place to start, but I want to help these people and take the power away from Atroma. I want to take us wherever we want to go, take people back home if they want. I want to take you to find your sister again. Is that something you can get behind?

[Simon listened to Robin speak in silence. It definitely did help to be empathized with- especially with having a lack of purpose or direction in his life. Because, sure, Simon did still have his job and he had no intention of hiding away and potentially neglecting people who might need his services, but would it still satisfy him? Would he feel any different when he was finished being a doctor, knowing that he was the only person from his world here? Would his job help him feel less crushingly lonely without his sister, in this strange universe with strange beings?

But Robin had hit on something. Something he could grab onto.

He nodded firmly.]

I can. I've never wanted to play their game as long as I've been here, but I can go along with wanting to take this over for ourselves. To break the strings that are making us puppets. I want everyone to be back where they belong, too.

[that's the spirit.]

Good. If it helps, keep holding onto it. That's my goal, both for myself and for this ship... This crew's been very good to me, and I'd like to respond in kind.

[he finally sighs, but it almost sounds like a little laugh.]

Anyway. I'm obviously not a counselor, but you've got a place here, and loss and purpose are subjects I'm fairly well-acquainted with, so... If things get bad, up here? [he reaches forward, and... gently taps the top of Simon's head.] You come find me, all right?

It gives me something to strive for, yes. A lifeline of sorts. River is my world, and without her here... I feel like I was set to drift without much purpose.

[Simon gave him a little smile.]

I'll do that. And... thank you. Both for the talk and for confiding that in me. I think... I think I just needed to hear a commiseration that I'm feeling awful and that it is okay that I feel awful, when the logical part of my brain is screaming at me to just get over it.

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6. "All you need is love" is a lie 'cause/We had love but we still said goodbye

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