.02 [ Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This ]

[touchofrogue]

Who: Rogue
Broadcast: nope
Action: Planet with optional Vanquish options
When: Planetside, from beginning to end.

A Is for Augmentation
[It’s the middle of the night, and all good children are supposed to be in bed… so then what is Rogue doing, walking around the boarding house with her gloves off and her eyes closed?

Maybe it’s the same thing that has her shrieking awake a few night’s later, one single, panicked cry that she quickly stifles as awareness returns? Unfortunately, this won’t be her last night with nightmares… and unfortunately, sometimes the sleepwalking and the nightmares may come at once…]

B is for Bounty
[...hunting, that is. Rogue wasn’t planning on making a habit of this, it wasn’t really her thing, but if she found a wanted poster for a guy who did something that pissed her off enough, she would go and make it her business to hunt that particular individual down.

Of course, she didn’t really have any idea what she was doing. It just seemed like a thing to try. How do you find a needle in a haystack, and one poorly washed thug really was almost interchangeable. Walking up to someone and asking, ‘Hey, have you seen this guy?’ was probably not the best way of going about it.

In fact, that’s possibly the kind of thing that could get a gal more attention than she was looking for...]

C is for Chisel (and hammer, and stone)
[Rogue wasn’t exactly sure what that quadraped was, but… she has decided to call it a ‘zeorse’ and she is happy to see it. Do not doubt that she will be making friends in the stables and riding off on adventures…

And one of those adventures takes place after a week or so on the planet, and the quiet confirmation that both Tony and Zessica had… gone, Rogue borrows a chisel and hammer from a local She rides out into the wild and finds a cluster of hard red rock, and in the lee of the wind carves three names there: Tony. Zessica. Anja.

She’ll be more withdrawn and quiet than normal when she returns those tools.]

D is for Drunk and Disorderly
[Sometime after this conversation, Rogue will be… upset.

She will be upset enough to go blindly into the night with a powerful need to punch things, though with Kurt there she didn’t feel it was… the best idea, perhaps, to go and start a bar fight even though it would be so. easy.

So she just goes to a bar. And she orders a drink. And if there is a fight she doesn’t have to start but gets to finish, so be it.

So. Be. It.]

E? E is for Everything Else.

[On the Vanquish? Shopping and hoping to make something out of this material? Staring dramatically into the sunset?]

Comments

[touchofrogue]

[She wasn't sure exactly what he was asking, and it was kind of nice to have a point of confusion that wasn't about this, but could instead be asked and easily clarified.

She even glances up at him.]

If I haven't what?

[redactions]

You said you ain't sure you'd do right if y'had the chance.

[ Quietly, ] What does that mean?

[touchofrogue]

...oh.

[She glanced down again, looking at their hands again. Then she swallowed.]

That's... kinda a long story, as a whole. I... had the chance ta help her. [Her hand tightened on his subconsciously, and when she spoke next her voice had dropped several decimals.] Kurt wanted me ta help her. But I just...

[She couldn't say what had happened, not without giving him a reason, something solid. She bit the inside of her lip for a moment and just -- picked a random starting point. This was real, and it was... public news, and it was true. He could probably put some of the pieces together on his own later. He already knew Mystique was her mother, and she knew that he was smart, so... just. A real reason. A close reason. A reason for something that she isn't even sure she knows all the reasons for except for the white, screaming wall of pain.]

You have mind control in your world? People takin' other people over, makin' 'em do things?

[redactions]

[ His grip tightens instinctively before he realises he might leave bruises, and then slackens off, in apology. ]

Yes.

[ Loki. Barton. And to an extent, what'd happened to Nat. ]

[ Then his voice drops several degrees, and the icy fury bubbles to the surface. ]

She did that? To you?

[touchofrogue]

[Pain is okay. Bruises are okay. Being untouchable does not mean being invulnerable, but it's close. And when there's nothing you can feel, pain is better than nothing. Pain is so much better than nothing. So she tightens her hand in his, because Rogue is not afraid of pain as much as she is afraid of being alone.

She hears the coldness in his voice and wonders for a moment if it is good, for him, for her to continue. The subject of mind control was a volatile one to any who had experienced it in any way... and five, nearly six years was not long enough for Rogue to forget how it had made her feel, what it had meant for her at the end. No, it wasn't nearly long enough.]

She set it up. [Rogue swallowed again, hating it.] There was a real powerful telepath workin' ta free this... real old an' powerful mutant. He'd been locked up by his own people thousands of years ago, 'cause they were scared he'd gone crazy. Thing is, they didn't kill him... an' so he was able ta get his hooks into this guy, promise him a place of power in his new world, once he'd razed the old one.

[Anger, again, and the hollow ache of helplessness, that taint of deep loathing.] That's what they used me for. Had me - turn on everyone. [She shuts her eyes.] Take their powers. An' give 'em to Apocalypse. I charged him up like a battery.

[Her other hand curls gloved fingers on the rock beside her, as if trying to grab hold, dig deep into stone and root herself.]

[redactions]

[ She has only microseconds to try and root herself in the rock when his hand slips free of hers and his arm wraps around her, drawing her against his left side; her cheek on the metal plate of his shoulder. He can't hug her, not without consequence, but the desire to pours forth and blazes like the last sputter of a star before it goes out. This is the best he can go, even with only pieces of his soul left. She has a right to ask for every single one. ]

[ But it's not just this, he feels the cogs turning. There's a cold bastard living with him: a shade, a relentless thing. A winter soldier. Vengeance comes with having that kind of heart, and she doesn't need that. She wants her friend, not someone who's just there to protect her from her demons, no matter how badly he wants to. ]

Sweetheart, [ he says, after a moment, scratchily, ] your war ain't got bullets or mortars, but that don't mean it was any less Hell. Anybody who says it didn't hurt as bad or ask the same sacrifice of you doesn't know you at all. Now I don't have much, but it's yours to ask for when you need it.

[ He cards his (now-warm) metal fingers through her hair gently. ]

I will always be on your side.

[touchofrogue]

[At first, Rogue froze - tense as piano wire. She did not want to risk moving, risk contact, risk hurting him. (Her pain was okay. His on her account was unacceptable.)

This was not how this was supposed to work.

She feels the initial chill of his metal arm warm against her shoulders - it was a heavy weight, a security, a solid in a world which had splintered beneath her feet that night. And his side was warm against her, and she stayed frozen, tense, but she could hear him, feel him breathing.

This was not how this was supposed to work.

You don't just... confess to a murder and be listened to over it, confess that you were the key that unlocked the doom of your world and be pulled into an embrace. You don't confess all your weaknesses and sins and receive loyalty in return.

That was not how it worked.

She inhaled a jagged breath as his fingers ran safely through her hair.

And part of her just wanted to twist out of his grasp and yell at him - this is now how it works! - and part of her couldn't stand the thought of rejecting what he offered, for his sake - and part of her just... ached, just wanted to stop and believe him for a moment while the rest of her knew from bitter experience that some things were too good to be true.

Despite her shock and the temptation to just... sink against him or jump up and shout at him, Rogue was mostly just concerned with not hurting him - not in any way. She'd hurt enough people, hurt more than enough. She could still hear Kurt's voice, see his face...

She didn't know what to say, or do, and so as always, Rogue defaulted to blunt honesty.]

...part of me wants ta yell at ya for being an idiot an' doin' this all wrong, an' part of me wants ta thank you. [She is tense a moment longer, still deciding if she will spring up and out and away or... allow herself to relax into him, trust him to keep himself safe. Finally, Rogue shuts her eyes. She does not move out of his grasp, but she doesn't relax either.] ...an' much as I'm inclined ta take you at your word, part of me also wants ta tell you that ya shouldn't make promises like that.

[redactions]

[ You can't promise someone to be there until the end of the line, is what she's saying, and it hits this stubborn wall, one part of the mighty vault he has around his heart. Jim smiles crookedly at her, the almost deliberately cheeky I know something about you that you don't. ]

Well, the idiot part is right...

[touchofrogue]

[She opens her eyes when he starts to speak, catches the tail end of his smile.

...heh.]

Don't I know it.

[Rogue searches his gaze and sees no trace of hesitance, no sign that he's taking her warning.

...well. Fine.

Friends.

In the meantime, she'd take what he offered that she could see, and give him a chance to prove her wrong. That was the best she could do.

That... and this.

Slowly, slowly and so carefully, she shifts her head to rest it on his metal shoulder, lets herself relax as much as she can against him.

I accept you too. I'll let you give me what you can. And I'll keep it as safe as I can..]

...idiot.

[She was more than her mother's murderer. Jim's trust, his loyalty reminded her of that - because she had to be more than that in order to keep him, keep his trust, safe.]

[redactions]

[ This was a battle, but it's not victory, her settling against him is like coming home at the end of it all, finding that the house smells the same but the world outside isn't what was left behind. Chuckling softly, his metal fingers press at her gently where they are, assuring her of his presence. He moves his chin up, carefully, away from her hair and the crown of her head. He doesn't care if it hurts him, but there are boundaries, and she's chosen to draw them. ]

[touchofrogue]

[She was silent for a long time. For Rogue, silence was its own language and silence shared carried its own weight, its own intricacies and intimacies. There hadn't been many people she'd been able to share silence with like this. Logan, but even so, it had never come with contact.

She let the silence speak for her, let herself relax and be, until the ache in her heart stopped screaming and merely throbbed, until the way her vision had become tainted red receded until it only highlighted the edges, until she could feel his shoulder warm beneath her skin.

Time to finish the story.

She didn't raise her head, she spoke only slightly above a whisper.]

She'd been tricked too, ya see. Mystique's a shapeshifter, an' they needed her ta open the door... it cost her. Froze her. We thought she was turned ta stone, but Kurt... Kurt wouldn't give up on her. He brought her back, even after the prof had finally got rid of her, hunted down someone who knew stuff like this an'...

[Pressed against him as she was, he would likely feel her beginning to tense again.]

...she wasn't dead at all.

[redactions]

[ What is she trying to convince him of? His fingers still card gently through her hair, with the idleness that comes from deep affection. ]

You should talk to your brother, on your own time.

[ Not now, when she was so raw, and it would feel like she was punishing herself. ]

Sometimes for a good reason we do terrible things. Some people won't do it no matter what. It doesn't make us monsters and it doesn't make them saints.

[ These are Nat's words, refitted for his voice. It's easier to see where she was coming from when he has to tell someone else instead of for his own ears. ]

[touchofrogue]

[He wasn't going to let her spell it out. It wasn't important to him - he'd made up his mind. There was a strange kind of freedom in that, letting her cut to the heart of what tore her out of course, forced her to start spiraling out. It wasn't just what she'd done. She'd learned to live with that weight.]

...the thing is [There's a pause as she swallows] ...this is the third time, for me. The time back when we were both home, took me gettin' kidnapped for him ta even look at me like -- [she shook her head]. Then - Luceti. He was from before an' I was from after, an' I had ta -- still, he forgave me.

[She took a ragged breath.]

Gawd knows, I'm not owed forgiveness for what I've done. I'm just... [her voice goes small, ashamed] I don't wanna have ta do this again, Jim. Not after everythin' else, everythin' we've been through together that he doesn't remember.

Gawd, he looked at me like... [He'd never looked at anyone else like that, she realized. Not even Magneto. Not even Sabertooth. Not even Mystique.

She shut her eyes. She wished she hadn't realized that.]

[redactions]

[ His expression cracks open, hurting for her openly. ]

Sweetheart.

[ He can't hug her. Still he closes whatever space was already closed between them, out of desperation. ]

I'm so sorry.

[touchofrogue]

[...oh, now she's gone and done it. Should have kept her mouth shut.

Except... no.

It's like she'd told him. Sometimes, you just need someone to listen. And he had. And he hadn't given up on her.

She lets him close the distance.]

...thanks for listenin'. [Her voice is still small.] I'm glad ya didn't shove off.

[Which she hadn't told him to do, but more... implied. Strongly.]

[redactions]

[ Softly, ]

I'm an idiot, remember?

[ and barely above a whisper, ]

One who keeps his promises.