gotta get down for a mingle

[redactions]

Who: The crew of the SS Heron and visitors.
Broadcast: nope.
Action: Aboard the SS Heron.
When: After returning to the ship.

[ finally back on the right ship, except the corridors are all mysteriously cold and the ship seems smaller. Thanks, Atroma. New crew, visitors, starters in comments ]

Comments

[redactions]

[ Soft, ]

I don't know. I feel threatened. [ his perception of himself has been shaken ] Never said I wasn't messed up.

[touchofrogue]

[That... really bothered her, enough to pull her hand back from his as well. She wasn't threatening him. She wasn't. And after Steve the day before, these buttons were raw all over.

She tried to listen, to hear what he was really saying without judgement, but it was hard because part of her still felt like she should be threatening him. Part of her was still very angry with him over his choices indeed. The rest of her, in the place where Rogue chose to live, knew that she was in no position to cast stones.

Quietly:] No, ya didn't.

[And she takes a small half step back, palms open at her sides, unarmed, vulnerable.] An' I' guess you've got a right ta feel however ya do.

[Whatever I did... whatever I am... that wasn't my intention.]

[redactions]

[ Honesty hurts; this more so. It takes so much for her to be willing to touch someone, and he's pushed her away even now. Maybe she should stay away. All he ever seems to do is break things, and fall. ]

I didn't mean to hurt you.

[ It feels like an excuse, and still, he offers it. ]

I'm sorry.

[touchofrogue]

[Alright, well. She'd already told him that she wasn't the one who needed to forgive him so... was he talking about something else?

Rogue lifted her chin and met his gaze, but without any challenge in her own. She was trying to understand.]

I'm tryin' ta understand. You're sorry -- for followin' your orders? Or for feelin' threatened by me?

[She held up her gloved hands and then dropped them back to her side.] 'cause I ain't threaten' ya, Jim. An', hell, if my believin' in ya anyway is threatenin' to ya, then I don't know what ta say.

[Though her experience with pain was considerable, that reached beyond her borders.]

[redactions]

The latter.

[ His eyes drop, to his feet, but no, this isn't penance. He should look her in the eye. ]

Always hard when someone believes you're more than you are.

[ You're not supposed to confess your sins and receive loyalty and love in turn. That was the province of the divine, and of good men and women. The irony of the reverse roles isn't lost on him. ]

[ Steve would like her. ]

I've spent a long time knowing I was changed.

[touchofrogue]

[And this time, Rogue Heard him. She stepped back to him, but she didn't touch him. She just held his gaze. And she told him the truth.] Sometimes, I think it's easier ta think I'm a monster than it is ta think that I'm just like everybody else. But I've touched enough lives ta know that people aren't rock an' clay, Jim. People are a complicated mess. They can love an' hate, an' make wrong choices one minute an' right choices the next an' it ain't easy ta see who're the nightmares.

[She broke her gaze for a moment and looked away, her train of thought distracted by more truth.] I'm sorry that this is threatenin' ya, an' I'm sorry that ya did the things ya did.

[And then she looked back at him, squaring her shoulders slightly.] But I ain't sorry ya told me, an' I ain't sorry ta know ya. I'd rather know you in your mess, Jim Barnes, than the sweetest lie ya could tell me.

[redactions]

[ It makes his hands shake. What a novelty — the world can still surprise him with the same shade of kindness from so many people. It's poured into his veins, liquid and burning, and it hurts like nothing else in the world. ]

I need you to [ he takes a sharp breath ] not push this.

[touchofrogue]

I ain't sure how you think I'm gonna. [But she didn't miss his shaking hands. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what had caused this.

He thought it was kindness; she knew it was pain. How many times had she been fooled by sweet lies? Rogue would rather have mess and pain and truth than be led by any path in deception.

She lifted both hands at her side and then dropped back, her brow furrowed.]

I need ya ta try an' tell me what that means. ['Not pushing it.' What does he think she is doing? What does he think she is going to do? Her voice gentles:] ...but maybe not now. Maybe ya need some space? Or just some company an' some quiet?

[Or even some distraction. She can do those things.]

[redactions]

[ Rough, ]

Space. Quiet would be — nice.

[touchofrogue]

Okay. [She still didn't move. This was not a rejection. It was not a goodbye.] Want me ta go or just find a quiet corner?

[Sometimes, she knew, when it got like this -- it was better to have company. Sometimes, she knew, it was better to be alone. In her experience, it was rarely better to be alone. But if she was causing this... maybe she'd better leave, entirely.]

[redactions]

[ His shoulders drop. ]

You don't happen t'have a spare book with you?

[touchofrogue]

[She'd already brought Watership Down over to Winter. He probably had it somewhere. But Rogue had learned to carry things of value with her, and she had two, left in her pack on the table.]

I do. Carter gave me Villette. Atroma gave me The Princess Bride.

[She didn't move yet, waiting.] Want me ta take 'em out?

[redactions]

[ He flashes her a weak smile. ]

The Princess Bride always helps. Might I have that?

[touchofrogue]

[Quietly, she moved to her abandoned pack, dug through it for a moment, and then extended the book to him. She watched him after that, waiting for a cue to indicate if he wanted her to stay or go. She would do either.]

[redactions]

[ He crumbles the way a glacier does, in chips and pieces, loosening, and by the time he walks over to the book he's leaning into her space, not able to ask that she not go. ]

[touchofrogue]

[When he didn't immediately take the book, and when he didn't shy away from her space, Rogue knew that he'd have told her to go if that was what he wanted. He hadn't. So she offers:] Would ya like me to read ta you for a little while?

[redactions]

[ Like he's a boy again, listening to his mother talk about Ireland. He smiles, more lingering. ]

[ Softly, ]

No, thank you.

[touchofrogue]

[She is relieved to see that smile, relieved to see the signs of shaking cease. This wasn't a panic attack, then -- or if it was, it looked as if it was over before it truly began.

She was glad of that.

Threatened. He'd said he felt threatened. By her.

She continues to hold the book out to him.

(That was unfair. It wasn't as if she'd revealed that she'd been going around killing everyone with a metal arm who the government deemed unsafe. If anyone should feel threatened, shouldn't it be the other way around?

Life is unfair. Suck it up, cupcake.)

But she wasn't going to make anymore guesses. She felt like someone had dropped her in the middle of a wide ocean in a life raft and an oar, and the north star was missing from the sky.] Okay. Then do ya want me ta join ya, or should I just pick up the book the next time I see ya?

[Stay or go?]

[redactions]

[ Threatened in the way actors are threatened, when the holes in their performance are pointed out to them. It's the consequence of being a performer: he demands every note be perfect, and still she sees a man worth befriending. Jim supposes it's also a consequence of offering his loyalty to her, unconditionally, but she's worth it. The reverse isn't true, to him. ]

I'd like you to join me. [ he clears his throat ] I don't want to be alone.

[touchofrogue]

[I don't want to be alone. There was maybe only one thing that would guarantee Rogue staying in a place, with a person, as long as they were not someone that she loathed.

Quietly:] I'll pull up a seat.

[She doesn't try to force cheer into her voice, but she does manage a half smile as she adds:] Good thing I've got an extra book.

[And so Rogue moves to do just that.]