driftfleet | (no subject)

Who: Wrath!
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: She will be bumming around on the Windrose since she blew all her cash on unicorn shoes.
When: Now

[Hey, it's a broadcast video of Wrath. Teeny lady, bright pink hair, big smile, assault rifle slung across her back. You know. That Wrath.]

Hello everyone in the fleet! I'm Wrath, the Security Officer on the Windrose. And I have a. Uh. Important scientific survey that I need to conduct.

Have you or has someone close to you been affected by hurfdurf? If you're not sure what hurfdurf is, here is an example.

[Video cuts to a different shot of Wrath and Vision standing in the Windrose's galley. It's staged like a very amateur home filming effort. They are obviously reading their lines from cards.]

[Vision, wearing a nametag that says Wrath:] Hey awesome buddy, want to get ice cream?

[Wrath, wearing a nametag that says Maine and scowling:] Um.

[The video freezes and Wrath continues in voice over:]

If I was a normal person, then I'd say fuck yeah I want ice cream. But as a person suffering from hurfdurf, this is what I think.

[Growly Maine voice:] I really like ice cream but only pussies like ice cream and I am obviously a giant and scary dude and I don't want anyone to know that I like stuff and have feelings even though I super want ice cream and will steal some from my friend when she is not looking.

[The Wrath and Vision video resumes.]

[Wrath grunts and shrugs.]

[Vision:] I don't know what that means.

[Cut back to just Wrath.]

After observation on my home planet, my hypothesis is that hurfdurf is uh--[Checks notecards.]--positively correlated with being a boy, because boys are dumb. However, new evidence has suggested that it might not be that, but actually having a wang causes hurfdurf. And that is more complicated because as everyone knows, not all boys have wangs and not all people who have or have had wangs at some point in their life are boys.

So if you could help me by answering these questions so we can figure this out and get to the root cause of hurfdurf that would really help.

[The questions appear on the screen in text as she reads them off.]

1) Have you or someone you know well been affected by hurfdurf?

2) If yes, are you or your friend a boy?

3) Do you or they have a wang? Or had a wang at the time of the hurfdurf?

Thank you very much for your help I will tell you what the results are when I have some so we can combat hurfdurf together.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

I almost feel like I should have you tell me if this is something I suffer from.

Hurfdurf. Not the most scientific of names, huh. [He rubs his stubbly chin.] I've seen it myself, admittedly. I tend to call it 'fragile masculinity'.

Um.

Sorry to say North but you are a sufferer, though you don't have it nearly that bad.

And you're a boy and you have a wang so that's not a clear result.

It's not in latin but it's very descriptive so I think it's more useful.

Ooh. Fragile masculinity. So you think it's a boy thing and not a wang thing?

[He tries not to laugh at the word wang. He only halfway succeeds.]

The thing about masculinity is that girls can have it, too. There are some women who are just too damn proud to show even a shred of being softer than a rock. For fear of being seen as weak, I guess. It's the same way for some guys too.

Just eat the damn ice cream, people. If you're from a shitty world like I am, you'll never get another chance.

I have this theory then, and hear me out on this, but if that's something someone suffers from, one of the symptoms might be the tendency not to be able to notice. Or to, you know, easily ignore them.

[Slow nod.]

I think you're right. No one at home ever noticed until I told them to knock it the fuck off.

Oh my god North. You realize this means that the problem is way more widespread than I thought. Anyone could be infected.

[Wang is a serious scientific word okay]

None of the girls I knew had that problem, but maybe I was just lucky.

And seriously, yeah, eat the ice cream. And have a kitten. Dysthropes could eat your face tomorrow.

Dare I say it—even you could be. You know that tendency you have to ignore what doctors say—what if that's a sign?

[ I am so very confused right now but more importantly: ] I do not want to think about my brother's-!

[ Alisaie needs an adult that's an advanced adult. Adulting adult. ]

Oh no, what's wrong with your brother? Does he have hurfdurf?

I dunno about that, North. I'm like... trying to do my job and stuff. Though it was kind of dumb sometimes. But I'm like. Not doing it cause I'm scared people are going to think shit about me.

[ Yes and no. The Leveilleur both have an unhealthy amount of pride within them. ]

I had thought to answer your questions until the unnecessary third one. [ For the pursuit of knowledge, of course. Not to take her frustration out on his absence by embarrassing him. ]

Ah, okay, I see the difference then. There's external and internal pressures.

How's the third one unnecessary. That's the whole point of the. Uh. Scientific study.

Um. I guess?

Like I can look back on the dumb shit I do, and I know it's cause I'm mad that I can't do my job right any more. Which I know is still dumb, but I think it's a little different...

[ Because she's from ye olde fantasy and has never heard of these things before. Fortunately she's clever enough to understand that it's a thing that must occur in some worlds and won't comment on it. ]

My twin brother. [ Maybe that explains why it's so weird to think about. Perhaps it's not this so-called hurfdurf but the result of having a twin sister. ] The answer would be yes to all three however.

No, I definitely agree. You're right in what you're saying.

By the way, I love that Maine is your example even though no one here knows him.

Okay? Well, having a brother sounds cool?

All right thank you for the information. I've written it down now.

Cutting straight to the important questions today, I see.

[ what in the actual hell is this post omfg ]

[ Cool? They wear the same clothes for some odd reason. ]

Do you believe there could be a cure for this condition?

It's a very important question, Han. You might have hurfdurf right now and not even know it. Cause you're like. A boy. And I'm guessing you have a wang not that I've been looking 'cause I'm not rude.

I don't know. Though if we can figure out what causes it, we can maybe figure out how to fix it. Though normally if I tell Maine to stop being dumb, that helps.

['sup, Wrath. Someone's got a nasty shiner she hasn't bothered to heal yet, because she's planning on using it to swing bets the direction she wants them to go tomorrow. It's tons of pretty colors. And it kind of hurts when she laughs this hard because of the whole eye-wrinkling thing.]

Uh, let's see -- [still laughing] yes, yes, an' I'm not sure, I was not about ta check. I'm probably gonna go with 'yes' though.

I think the only person I know with worse hurfdurf than Maine is Whiskey, and I don't think I could do a good impression of him. He talks so weird.

But this way if Maine ever shows up, everyone will know to be gentle with him because he has a disability and can't help it.

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