(no subject)

[pain_train]

Who: Wrath!
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: She will be bumming around on the Windrose since she blew all her cash on unicorn shoes.
When: Now

[Hey, it's a broadcast video of Wrath. Teeny lady, bright pink hair, big smile, assault rifle slung across her back. You know. That Wrath.]

Hello everyone in the fleet! I'm Wrath, the Security Officer on the Windrose. And I have a. Uh. Important scientific survey that I need to conduct.

Have you or has someone close to you been affected by hurfdurf? If you're not sure what hurfdurf is, here is an example.

[Video cuts to a different shot of Wrath and Vision standing in the Windrose's galley. It's staged like a very amateur home filming effort. They are obviously reading their lines from cards.]

[Vision, wearing a nametag that says Wrath:] Hey awesome buddy, want to get ice cream?

[Wrath, wearing a nametag that says Maine and scowling:] Um.

[The video freezes and Wrath continues in voice over:]

If I was a normal person, then I'd say fuck yeah I want ice cream. But as a person suffering from hurfdurf, this is what I think.

[Growly Maine voice:] I really like ice cream but only pussies like ice cream and I am obviously a giant and scary dude and I don't want anyone to know that I like stuff and have feelings even though I super want ice cream and will steal some from my friend when she is not looking.

[The Wrath and Vision video resumes.]

[Wrath grunts and shrugs.]

[Vision:] I don't know what that means.

[Cut back to just Wrath.]

After observation on my home planet, my hypothesis is that hurfdurf is uh--[Checks notecards.]--positively correlated with being a boy, because boys are dumb. However, new evidence has suggested that it might not be that, but actually having a wang causes hurfdurf. And that is more complicated because as everyone knows, not all boys have wangs and not all people who have or have had wangs at some point in their life are boys.

So if you could help me by answering these questions so we can figure this out and get to the root cause of hurfdurf that would really help.

[The questions appear on the screen in text as she reads them off.]

1) Have you or someone you know well been affected by hurfdurf?

2) If yes, are you or your friend a boy?

3) Do you or they have a wang? Or had a wang at the time of the hurfdurf?

Thank you very much for your help I will tell you what the results are when I have some so we can combat hurfdurf together.

Comments

audio

[bothbarrels]

I almost feel like I should have you tell me if this is something I suffer from.

audio

[pain_train]

Um.

Sorry to say North but you are a sufferer, though you don't have it nearly that bad.

And you're a boy and you have a wang so that's not a clear result.

audio

[bothbarrels]

I have this theory then, and hear me out on this, but if that's something someone suffers from, one of the symptoms might be the tendency not to be able to notice. Or to, you know, easily ignore them.

video;

[merchantprince]

Hurfdurf. Not the most scientific of names, huh. [He rubs his stubbly chin.] I've seen it myself, admittedly. I tend to call it 'fragile masculinity'.

video;

[pain_train]

It's not in latin but it's very descriptive so I think it's more useful.

Ooh. Fragile masculinity. So you think it's a boy thing and not a wang thing?

video;

[merchantprince]

[He tries not to laugh at the word wang. He only halfway succeeds.]

The thing about masculinity is that girls can have it, too. There are some women who are just too damn proud to show even a shred of being softer than a rock. For fear of being seen as weak, I guess. It's the same way for some guys too.

Just eat the damn ice cream, people. If you're from a shitty world like I am, you'll never get another chance.

video;

[discessum]

[ I am so very confused right now but more importantly: ] I do not want to think about my brother's-!

[ Alisaie needs an adult that's an advanced adult. Adulting adult. ]

video;

[pain_train]

Oh no, what's wrong with your brother? Does he have hurfdurf?

video;

[discessum]

[ Yes and no. The Leveilleur both have an unhealthy amount of pride within them. ]

I had thought to answer your questions until the unnecessary third one. [ For the pursuit of knowledge, of course. Not to take her frustration out on his absence by embarrassing him. ]

[Video]

[falconing]

Cutting straight to the important questions today, I see.

[ what in the actual hell is this post omfg ]

[Video]

[pain_train]

It's a very important question, Han. You might have hurfdurf right now and not even know it. Cause you're like. A boy. And I'm guessing you have a wang not that I've been looking 'cause I'm not rude.

[Video]

[falconing]

You know, thinking I'll keep that information to myself.

[ wrath are you even real ]

And I'd like to think I enjoy myself, and I'm not a stick in the mud. Pretty sure I've been granted leave from this deadly disease.

[ video ]

[touchofrogue]

['sup, Wrath. Someone's got a nasty shiner she hasn't bothered to heal yet, because she's planning on using it to swing bets the direction she wants them to go tomorrow. It's tons of pretty colors. And it kind of hurts when she laughs this hard because of the whole eye-wrinkling thing.]

Uh, let's see -- [still laughing] yes, yes, an' I'm not sure, I was not about ta check. I'm probably gonna go with 'yes' though.

[ video ]

[pain_train]

Got it.

Um, well if you can catch him in a bathing suit then it's pretty easy to tell without really looking and being rude cause it's just there.

Nice black eye! Hope the other guy looks like paste!

[ video ]

[touchofrogue]

Doubt I'll be seein' him in a swimsuit any time soon, but I'll keep it in mind. [...] Suppose I could always ask, the ones that are here, anyway.

An' thank you. [She touches the corner of the black eye and makes a face.] He should have been wearin' gloves.

[He really, really should have been wearing gloves. It was a very short fight after that.]

Video

[passingthrough]

[Kitty recognizes the ship, but as the Windrose is the only ship she's been on other than the Marsiva she wasn't sure how unique it was. The addition of Vision makes it more likely. Crewmate then?]

Decided to make your own fun?

Video

[pain_train]

Well, I guess this is fun? But this is a serious scientific inquiry. Vision helped me write out the. Uh. Methodology and everything!

video

[helladoomed]

[Chloe would love to help, but unfortunately she can't seem to stop giggling about that awful acting and voice over.]

video

[pain_train]

Are you okay? Do you need to report a hurfdurf sighting?

video;

[nulliverse]

Are you quite sure you don't mean bravado? Machismo? Is "hurf durf" the actual, technical term?

video;

[pain_train]

Yes, hurfdurf is an actual term. It's very descriptive. Or does it have to be in Latin or something?

[survivalistcookbook]

[Here's Eugene, drinking in the park, grinning that trying-to-look-cool-and-not-like-I-want-to-laugh grin.]

I, uh. Feel like your definition of hurfdurf might need a little polishing, there.

[pain_train]

Gosh Eugene are you some kind of scientist? Are you a professor of hurfdurfology? What about wangs? Do you have a PhD in wangs?

video;

[theirinurpants]

[ Alistair is very confused by this entire broadcast. Most of this really went waaaaaaayyy over his head, but he got some of the gist of it, mostly in the form of: ]

Wait, why would anyone turn down free ice cream just because they're a boy?

[ He, himself, would never do such a thing. So, uh, probably not a sufferer of hurfdurf? ]

video;

[pain_train]

I don't know! I think hurfdurf infects your brain and makes you dumb. That's all I can figure.