mk.02 (video)

[paraclete]

Who: Kaworu Nagisa, and anyone else.
Broadcast: fleetwide
Action: In the laundry facilities of the Heron.
When: The evening of 2/13.

[When Kaworu's video feed flips on, it looks like it's got a slight vibration to it. If you look closely, you might be able to tell why: he's sitting on top of a washing machine. He looks pretty content with things right now; the washer must be a comfortable perch, and he a pleasant bird, or a kid on a particularly shitty carousel. He's wearing one of the provided utility jumpers, in beige. The color frankly looks terrible with his natural palette, but he's content with that, too.]

Hi. [With that alongside his smile, he's off to a great start!] I initially arrived on the Marsiva a few weeks ago. It was an unexpected thing, but I've been thinking it must have been for the best. But, while I've been here with this fleet, I've also been able to talk to some of you. It's nice. Now, though, I have some questions of my own. I hope you'll answer, and we can get to know each other. [God, but he's earnest, huh? He doesn't really seem like the type of person to feel shame or social anxiety. Or, really, any sort of anxiety at all. That's not exactly true, but his composure is the stuff of legends.]

So, I'd heard that Valentine's Day is almost upon us. I'd explain for those who are still unaware, but I'm really one of the uninitiated myself. The holiday was an observable part of several cultures in the world I came from, but I hadn't had any experience with it personally. What I do know about it is that it's a day intended to celebrate love. [If he was pleased before, he's outright glad right now, perking up even further.] I really like that. That's mostly what I wanted to ask about: I'd be happy if someone could tell me more about the day and what all it entails. Love, I think, is one of the most wonderful things to be celebrated, and from what I understand, an individual is also meant to revel in the person they love on this day. I want to know what's expected of me for the person who is closest to my heart.

But I understand that there are those of you who don't celebrate the holiday, or who have never even encountered it. In that case, I'd like to know about your customs, as well. I want to learn about other days dedicated to the pursuit of love, and the actions a person may take in order to ensure that their lover knows they are loved. What's your favorite way to convey your love? What's your favorite way to relish in the feeling? Will you tell me?

[He's got the face of a teenager, so maybe he's just hormone-addled or something like that, but with his tepid voice and the calm of his eyes, it could be... that he's really... really serious about all this. Maybe a little too serious. Finally, he says,] Thanks for your time. [He means that just as much.]


[And, Heron, he's playing hooky from the Vanquish again. If you find him sitting atop the little washing machine, please don't be too angry at him for hogging it; he's doing laundry for two. At any rate, he's still treating the Heron like it's his home away from home. You've probably seen him around a little too much. He doesn't crowd the Heron's bunks, at least — he can never be found sleeping. He's just ever-present.]

Comments

[astrobleme]

[It's strange to think that Kaworu sounds more honest when he isn't smiling. His smiles aren't artificial, not with Shinji, but they're like applying fondant to a cake that might be falling apart. There's a lot he doesn't know about Nagisa Kaworu. A fucking egregious amount. He wants to know, but he doesn't want to know, but he wants to know so very badly. For all he knows, he could wake up tomorrow to discover Kaworu isn't here anymore. It's happened. It's been mentioned on the network. People just disappear with no rhyme or reason, the same as when they arrive.

His voice is hoarse when he says,] And I thought I had told you. If you want to look at me, then look at me. If you want to hold my hand, then hold my hand... [Deep breaths, Ikari. That's it.] If you want to tell me you love me, then tell me you love me.

[All at once, his face turns a distinct shade of pink, like the truth is finally catching up to him.]

W-W-What I need most from you is you yourself, Kaworu-kun, so just... so, for as long as... you're here, just be yourself. Just be yourself, Kaworu-kun. You don't have to take every cue from me.

[paraclete]

[These are, at least, nice things to hear. Certainly, Kaworu appreciates that Shinji is thinking of him at all, and so positively at that. But it's unwarranted. Completely unwarranted, when Kaworu is so lacking — when being himself means being a catastrophic failure. He has to aspire to more than that. He has to move beyond what he is and become something better. It's its own sort of sin to show himself to Shinji when what he is right now just isn't enough. And the rest of Shinji's words are just as outlandish. He needs Kaworu, he says. He needs Kaworu himself.

No, that can't be it. Shinji's just confused. He hasn't figured out what it is he really needs yet. Well, Kaworu hasn't figured it out, either.]

You're very... kind to me.

[Kaworu's voice is as soft as a bird's wing. Its feathers hide what he doesn't say out loud: I don't deserve this. Shinji's kindness is so much to offer to a person as deficient as Kaworu is. But even now, Kaworu takes advantage of that kindness. He takes more than what he should. He reaches out, and, like before, he takes one of Shinji's hands in both of his own. He said it's all right, Kaworu tells himself.]

When I was younger, someone taught me that love isn't always... wanted. That you can be repulsed by someone's love for you.

[He's turning over Shinji's hand in his, tracing its creases, staring down.]

I told myself, 'It's only love. I don't have to say the words. I can live with the companionship I have now.' I thought I was making the right choice. But you've yet to see me make a good decision, isn't that so? [He breathes out, and it's almost a laugh.] You said you thought I knew things... I didn't mean to deceive you. I thought I knew things, too.

[He looks up, meeting Shinji's eyes, and holds that gaze for as long as Shinji will allow. There's something very serious in the muscles around his mouth, in the red tide of his eyes.]

Ikari Shinji-kun, I do love you. [A smile lights back onto his face, though small.] It feels good to say.

[But it's selfish. It's so selfish. Shinji doesn't know what he needs. And Shinji can't know that Kaworu takes his cues from Shinji for a reason: there is nothing outside of Ikari Shinji that dictates Nagisa Kaworu's sense of self.]

[astrobleme]

[It's like the onset of a brain freeze. When I was younger, someone taught me... It travels through his head, cold and winding, even painful, until he feels like he's layered in permafrost. Someone taught me... Shinji should be asking, "Who?" He should be asking, "When did that happen?" He should be asking, "What the hell aren't you telling me?" Because Nagisa Kaworu looks and talks and acts like he's been in love with Ikari Shinji since the day the first star came into being. There couldn't be someone from when Kaworu was younger. There couldn't be. Someone taught me...

I was in love before I understood anything about it.

I know that if, after this, I lived an innumerable measure of lives, I would still gravitate to that person.

Shinji regrets stalking Kaworu's activity on the network.

Sometimes it's just destiny, Shinji-kun.

Tentatively, unsure of what he's saying, he says,] Maybe it would help if you... uhm, stop comparing me to someone else? Someone I'm not? Because I don't think there's anything you could do to repulse me. Seriously, Kaworu-kun... [It doesn't matter that Kaworu is a boy. It doesn't matter that Kaworu is an Angel. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.] And I'm not expecting you to be perfect. Just be yourself.

[Kaworu's I do love you doesn't fully dispel the chill in his brain, but it's better than nothing. Shinji can't reciprocate, though. Not in the way he is right now. He doesn't know what he's feeling these days, other than self-hatred sharp enough to cut down a god. His moments of clarity are very few and far in between. But he remembers... lying on that thin cot, at NERV, with his face pressed into a pillow that smelled of chemicals. He remembers mouthing the words to himself. It seemed insurmountable, but so simple. He was a fool for not giving it a try.

His fingers curl in slightly, willfully, and he doesn't pull away. He doesn't look away, either.]

If it feels good, that's what you should do. It's like playing music.