mk.02 (video)

[paraclete]

Who: Kaworu Nagisa, and anyone else.
Broadcast: fleetwide
Action: In the laundry facilities of the Heron.
When: The evening of 2/13.

[When Kaworu's video feed flips on, it looks like it's got a slight vibration to it. If you look closely, you might be able to tell why: he's sitting on top of a washing machine. He looks pretty content with things right now; the washer must be a comfortable perch, and he a pleasant bird, or a kid on a particularly shitty carousel. He's wearing one of the provided utility jumpers, in beige. The color frankly looks terrible with his natural palette, but he's content with that, too.]

Hi. [With that alongside his smile, he's off to a great start!] I initially arrived on the Marsiva a few weeks ago. It was an unexpected thing, but I've been thinking it must have been for the best. But, while I've been here with this fleet, I've also been able to talk to some of you. It's nice. Now, though, I have some questions of my own. I hope you'll answer, and we can get to know each other. [God, but he's earnest, huh? He doesn't really seem like the type of person to feel shame or social anxiety. Or, really, any sort of anxiety at all. That's not exactly true, but his composure is the stuff of legends.]

So, I'd heard that Valentine's Day is almost upon us. I'd explain for those who are still unaware, but I'm really one of the uninitiated myself. The holiday was an observable part of several cultures in the world I came from, but I hadn't had any experience with it personally. What I do know about it is that it's a day intended to celebrate love. [If he was pleased before, he's outright glad right now, perking up even further.] I really like that. That's mostly what I wanted to ask about: I'd be happy if someone could tell me more about the day and what all it entails. Love, I think, is one of the most wonderful things to be celebrated, and from what I understand, an individual is also meant to revel in the person they love on this day. I want to know what's expected of me for the person who is closest to my heart.

But I understand that there are those of you who don't celebrate the holiday, or who have never even encountered it. In that case, I'd like to know about your customs, as well. I want to learn about other days dedicated to the pursuit of love, and the actions a person may take in order to ensure that their lover knows they are loved. What's your favorite way to convey your love? What's your favorite way to relish in the feeling? Will you tell me?

[He's got the face of a teenager, so maybe he's just hormone-addled or something like that, but with his tepid voice and the calm of his eyes, it could be... that he's really... really serious about all this. Maybe a little too serious. Finally, he says,] Thanks for your time. [He means that just as much.]


[And, Heron, he's playing hooky from the Vanquish again. If you find him sitting atop the little washing machine, please don't be too angry at him for hogging it; he's doing laundry for two. At any rate, he's still treating the Heron like it's his home away from home. You've probably seen him around a little too much. He doesn't crowd the Heron's bunks, at least — he can never be found sleeping. He's just ever-present.]

Comments

[paraclete]

[Kaworu is quiet for several lengthy moments. If he were a great deal younger, he might insist, SHE STARTED IT. But, now lacking in youth, he has the grace to feel ashamed, if only because it crushes him to hear Shinji's disappointment. He should be better than this, and he knows that. The gap between Shinji's message and Kaworu's response is time Kaworu spends reflecting on what an idiot he is.

Oh well. He can't ignore Shinji, of course.]

Hello.

[He's hushed and cringing.]

[astrobleme]

[... well, it sounds like Kaworu has some semblance of self-awareness.]

Hi.

[Shinji exhales. Every so often, he forgets to do that.]

You're giving her exactly what she wants. You know that, right?

[paraclete]

[No, Kaworu wants to say, she wants you. That's scary. It's really, genuinely scary to think that someone else could come along and manage what Kaworu couldn't. The fear doubles at the thought of Shikinami being the victor. She opposes Kaworu's approach in almost every way. If she were to do the thing that Kaworu's been unable, it would mean that everything about Kaworu has been completely pointless and wrong.

He's already had enough of feeling like that.]

She wants a great deal, it seems.

[astrobleme]

I know. She's very... [Surprisingly diplomatic, Shinji says,] She's an all-or-nothing kind of person, I guess. In a way, I'm glad she's still... the Asuka I remember, even though she isn't, not really. But, uh...

You're irreplaceable. That's what I need you to remember. Okay?

[paraclete]

[All-or-nothing, huh? At the very least, Kaworu can respect that. That's what love really is, after all. All-or nothing.]

That's kind of you to say.

[His voice is flimsy. His words are just wet newspaper.]

[astrobleme]

That's what I need you to remember. Okay? [Shinji doesn't seem irritated about needing to repeat himself. Maybe there comes a point when he's too damn tired to do anything but be patient. Honestly, it kind of sounds like he's explaining how to cross the street to a child, and he's worried that they're going to forget about crosswalks. Kaworu's safety depends on this.]

[paraclete]

[It's true, right? It's got to be. No one else could do the things Kaworu has done, and for so many times. He's willing to expend all of himself. Who else can say that? Who else would go to these lengths? But it doesn't feel like a victory. Probably because, in the end, it doesn't matter how much he's done if he still can't do it right. Of course it's possible that someone else would love Shinji, someone who would learn how to make him happy for real. Kaworu's oscillating wildly between 'I will do it' and 'but what if I don't'.]

I remember everything you tell me.

[You don't matter if everything you've done was for nothing. That's what he's thinking.]

[astrobleme]

[There's a long, thoughtful pause here. Shinji can tell his words aren't totally sinking in... which kind of reminds him of Asuka... determined to do things their own way, wary of or refusing to compromise...]

I'm not endorsing your behavior, obviously, but...

[It feels familiar.]

This is a side of you I haven't seen before. I mean, you're really intense. It's kind of cool.

[Intense, superior, brutally honest... Why does that feel familiar? And why is he smiling about it?]

[paraclete]

[In the wake of a confession like that — a compliment? Is that what's just happened? — Kaworu's left staring at his communicator, uncomprehending. Cool? Kaworu's just displayed some of his ugliest, youngest parts, and Shinji's calling it cool? These are things Kaworu's spent a very long time pressuring himself to crush low at the bottom of a placid lake. These are things Kaworu thought he had buried. He doesn't want to show it to Shinji. It's humiliating.

Yet... Shinji said... Be yourself. Kaworu feels confused and kind of helpless.]

Are you... angry with me? [he asks carefully.]

[astrobleme]

Not at all. [But his smile is gone by the time he says,] I'm just sorry for causing you so much trouble. I can't seem to do anything right, even when I'm not doing anything.

[paraclete]

No... this isn't your fault. You haven't done anything wrong here. [Kaworu's voice is soft, compassionate, and a lot more comfortable than it was a second ago. He prefers to talk about Shinji's issues over his own.] Loving you has never been a burden to me. I want you to know that.

[astrobleme]

[Yeah, Shinji has noticed that: Kaworu rarely talks about himself, and even when he does, it's enfolded many times in vagueness. The only exception is love, which he can't mention without sounding like a religious zealot.]

But this has to be my fault, right? I did something to make two people think I'm worth more than a passing glance. It's been fourteen years, and Asuka still... and you talk about it like it's the only... [Shinji is mumbling more and more, very unsure of himself.]

[paraclete]

You told me to be myself. Right? [Kaworu speaks very gently, like wind over sand.] It's the same for you. All you have to do is be yourself. You're not doing the wrong things by being you. You're doing the right things. I like the person you are.

[Here he pauses. Yeah, it's been fourteen years. Shinji has no idea, and Kaworu can't tell him. Restrained, Kaworu says,] It must be the same for Shikinami-san. [He's glad that Shinji can't see his face right now. Probably looks like he's eaten something bitter.]

It's not a sin to be loved, Shinji-kun.

[astrobleme]

[The right things.

Let's review: In the past couple weeks, Shinji hasn't maimed anyone by accident or failure to act. He hasn't opened any rainbow-colored portals of doom and despair and reality-altering agony. He hasn't forced his best friend to die for the ignoble privilege of keeping him alive...

So, yeah, he isn't doing as badly as he could.]

Maybe it's not a sin, but I still don't understand any of it.

[paraclete]

Love is difficult to understand. You won't always know why you love a person, or why a person doesn't love you back, or, in this case, why someone does love you. Sometimes, it's just present, long and mysterious like the depths of the ocean. So, I think it's all right that you don't understand. You don't need to worry about the unknown, because it's unknowable to us, as well, even though we're the ones who feel it. [He's admitting again that Shinji was mistaken about him — he doesn't know everything — but he doesn't sound forlorn about it. Just kind of careful, just a little more open than usual.] I'm still learning new things, too. I understand more than I used to, but it takes time.

[astrobleme]

[If anyone else were saying that stuff, literally anyone, Shinji's eyes would be rolling back in his head right now. It kind of reminds him of those "you'll understand when you're older" lectures his guardian used to give him. But... this is Nagisa Kaworu, and everything Kaworu says is heartbreaking in its perfection. Even the things Shinji doesn't understand makes his chest hurt like he's inhaling hot steam.]

I don't know how to stop worrying, Kaworu-kun.

[He sighs like he's trying to unwind and failing at it.]

I've never looked at a dark corner and not wondered if something bad's hiding in it.

[paraclete]

Of course... That's the sort of person you are. [But it doesn't sound anything like an accusation when Kaworu says it. Instead, it's tender and fond. Honestly, it reassures Kaworu to hear that despite everything, this is still Ikari Shinji. There's no greater comfort than the familiarity of the person Kaworu loves.]

But I'd like to offer you a candle.

[Still... He wants better for Shinji.]

[astrobleme]

Mmm.

[Shinji is going to need an army of halogen lamps to illuminate everything he doesn't know about.]

For now, can you guys just... try not to fight over me... in public...

[paraclete]

I shouldn't have acted that way. It was poor of me. But I won't cause a spectacle again.

[In public.]

[astrobleme]

Okay. [...] I know you're just trying to take care of me. I appreciate it.