driftfleet | video ♪ take a walk on the wild side

Who: Varric and you!
Broadcast: Yes
Action: Varric's bar on the Iskaulit
When: Now

[video;]

[Like Varric's promotional videos before, the feed does a slow pan of the dive that he owns. And then it centers on the bartop, which has a line of wine bottles on it. The glass is black and so are the labels aside from the gold skull and the words VELENO VENO.

Varric pulls up a seat in front of the camera. He's dressed in his best-- a black and gold embroidered silk shirt, buttoned only halfway because of course. And he's wearing a grin, of course.]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Varric Tethras, owner and proprietor of the Space Bar, and today... I've got something new and exciting for you. [He grabs a bottle of wine and pops it open with a flourish. Then he pours it into a glass. It's black with just a little dark purple in the light.] In Tevinter, wine made from venomous snakes is considered sacred. Well, as sacred as anything in Tevinter can be. It's long been associated with virility, purity of body, and curing difficult ailments. But don't worry, this is animal-free. Snakes are disgusting. Don't eat snakes. Also, Tevinter sucks.

Instead of drinking reptiles, consider this wine: beautiful and deadly, like that woman sitting at the corner of the bar that you're scared to talk to. The wine has notes of persimmon and apple-- as well as a dash of water from the toxic moon.

[Varric's grin broadens. He lifts the glass to his lips and takes a sip.]

Mmm. We only made a few cases, so get it while you can. 500 credits for a bottle with a thrill.

[And the feed ends.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Wait a minute. You didn't really put poisoned water in that wine, did you?

[ Please tell him it's fake, Varric. ]

There was already poison in it. I just made it taste better.

[Poor Alistair.]

500 credits for something that'll likely kill you? Do you hate your patrons that much?

[Whoa. With toxic moon water?? That sounds dangerous, and super rare. Filtered, or unfiltered? If it's filtered, that's really dangerous!]

[.............]

[YOU KNOW]

...I'll try some!

[The best food is the weird stuff, anyway!!]

[ Is anyone surprised that Marian Hawke is sitting at the bar? Well more leaning against it in lazy cat like manner than sitting but the point still stands. Surprised? No, you shouldn't be because this is practically her third home. ]

Hey Varric, can I have 500 credits?

[ standing like...five feet to his right, lioriley just stares at him for a few seconds. ]

Are you being serious?

[Tevinter DOES suck. Tevinter sucks the MOST. He's just hanging out behind the bar, doing his job, same old, same old. ]

People who drink that wine also die. A lot. So in that respect you could say that it does, indeed, cure their difficult ailments. It just cures them terminally.

[Wow that was almost a joke.]

....Do you honestly think anyone will pay for this, Varric?

Edited 2016-04-13 01:22 (UTC)

That's because they're stupid enough to drink a snake.

Anyway, I've already made back the cost of relabeling all the wine I got off the last planet. You don't think I'd sell it to the Fleet without a test run on the planet, right?

[He shrugs and turns around toward the bar.]

There are two things that sell, elf: sex and danger. Put both of them in a bottle and you might as well be wiping your ass with gold leaf.

[Now that the camera's off, Varric is happy to turn to her and extend the wineglass.]

Like a Chantry mother at a templar funeral. Here, try it.

Hawke, please. [He hands her the rest of the bottle.] Like I'd rob the Champion of Kirkwall. I'm not my brother.

[Oh, Maker.]

You know you're welcome in my bar, Ace. Just try to puke outside if you can.

If you really want to get in my good graces, puke in front of the other bar. The one that looks way too nice to serve alcohol. That one.

[ SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT REFERENCE.

hesitantly, she takes a hold of the glass, but does not drink yet. ]

Are you certain it is safe? [ varric wouldn't actually make her drink poison, would he? ]

['Sup, Varric! It's your favorite Spymaster!]

500 credits? For something like that? I never imagined you would be that generous.

[She might... want a bottle of that wine. You never know when it might come in handy? ~~You know for murder or something. It could happen, okay.~~]

Warden, you wound me. Where did I say it would kill you? As it just so happens, I had it tested by a real medical... person... guy.

[clears throat]

Blah blah blah... consuming could cause internal injury... blindness... blah blah suffocation... see, totally safe.

Velvet. [He leans in until he's nearly nose-to-nose.] Do you honestly think I'd be drinking that crap if I thought it would kill me?

[He drops his voice to a whisper.]

You should know by now that I'm a compulsive liar. Especially when it makes me money.

Neither did I. I'm the very image of--

Maker's flaming mustache! [GIVE HIM A HEART ATTACK WHY DON'T YOU.] The Backhand of the Divine. How long have you been here?

Not quite a week ago, I think. I like to keep a low profile.

[You know... since she's so good at sneaking around.]

Did I surprise you that much?

[Excellent!]

[ the unseen space audience gasps loudly. while the elf simply blinks owlishly in response, huffing out a displeased sigh through her nose after his words set in. of course he wouldn't be attempting to sell a legitimately dangerous drink to the fleet — but she's still not used to the constant lying. ]

You should not lie about such things, Varric. How many have taken you seriously, I wonder. [ probably everyone. she lifts the glass to her mouth tentatively, ] What is in this?

[Okay, all of that sounds promising, sure.

But first-]

..."Ace"?

[His ego is a little bruised.] I was busy with... this. [He gestures vaguely to the wine.] But no one ever really gets the jump on me. Even Chantry minions with burlap sacks.

Before we go any further, Sister, I only know about our demon-infested shithole of a future because other people told me.

[He imitates her accent.] 'You should not lie about such things, Varric.' Do you know the definition of good business? It sure as hell isn't clean. Because here's the thing-- good, wholesome, honest people can't be good businessmen. Good businessmen know how to sell, and to sell, you gotta lie a little.

[He moves back into his own personal space.]

Something called food coloring. Tasteless, odorless, and makes it look way better than it did when I bought it a few months ago.

Yeah, Ace. Because you're a quick learner and you're an ace at a lot of things. [grumbling] What is with people questioning my nicknames lately? Have I lost my touch?

Um...

[Well.

It's better than "Blackie", so. Okay.]

No, I just... didn't know that was a thing with you.

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