video ♪ take a walk on the wild side

[merchantprince]

Who: Varric and you!
Broadcast: Yes
Action: Varric's bar on the Iskaulit
When: Now

[video;]

[Like Varric's promotional videos before, the feed does a slow pan of the dive that he owns. And then it centers on the bartop, which has a line of wine bottles on it. The glass is black and so are the labels aside from the gold skull and the words VELENO VENO.

Varric pulls up a seat in front of the camera. He's dressed in his best-- a black and gold embroidered silk shirt, buttoned only halfway because of course. And he's wearing a grin, of course.]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Varric Tethras, owner and proprietor of the Space Bar, and today... I've got something new and exciting for you. [He grabs a bottle of wine and pops it open with a flourish. Then he pours it into a glass. It's black with just a little dark purple in the light.] In Tevinter, wine made from venomous snakes is considered sacred. Well, as sacred as anything in Tevinter can be. It's long been associated with virility, purity of body, and curing difficult ailments. But don't worry, this is animal-free. Snakes are disgusting. Don't eat snakes. Also, Tevinter sucks.

Instead of drinking reptiles, consider this wine: beautiful and deadly, like that woman sitting at the corner of the bar that you're scared to talk to. The wine has notes of persimmon and apple-- as well as a dash of water from the toxic moon.

[Varric's grin broadens. He lifts the glass to his lips and takes a sip.]

Mmm. We only made a few cases, so get it while you can. 500 credits for a bottle with a thrill.

[And the feed ends.]

Comments

video;

[theirinurpants]

Wait a minute. You didn't really put poisoned water in that wine, did you?

[ Please tell him it's fake, Varric. ]

video;

[merchantprince]

There was already poison in it. I just made it taste better.

[Poor Alistair.]

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[theirinurpants]

Does anyone actually believe that?

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[bryces_pup]

500 credits for something that'll likely kill you? Do you hate your patrons that much?

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[merchantprince]

Warden, you wound me. Where did I say it would kill you? As it just so happens, I had it tested by a real medical... person... guy.

[clears throat]

Blah blah blah... consuming could cause internal injury... blindness... blah blah suffocation... see, totally safe.

video

[bryces_pup]

Poison usually kills a person, you know.

[Have a raised eyebrow.]

Oh yes. Failing organs, failing eyes and failing lungs. Who could pass up such a delightful cocktail?

1/3

[huaaaaagh]

[Whoa. With toxic moon water?? That sounds dangerous, and super rare. Filtered, or unfiltered? If it's filtered, that's really dangerous!]

[huaaaaagh]

[.............]

voice;

[huaaaaagh]

[YOU KNOW]

...I'll try some!

[The best food is the weird stuff, anyway!!]

voice;

[merchantprince]

[Oh, Maker.]

You know you're welcome in my bar, Ace. Just try to puke outside if you can.

If you really want to get in my good graces, puke in front of the other bar. The one that looks way too nice to serve alcohol. That one.

action.

[ofkirkwall]

[ Is anyone surprised that Marian Hawke is sitting at the bar? Well more leaning against it in lazy cat like manner than sitting but the point still stands. Surprised? No, you shouldn't be because this is practically her third home. ]

Hey Varric, can I have 500 credits?

action.

[merchantprince]

Hawke, please. [He hands her the rest of the bottle.] Like I'd rob the Champion of Kirkwall. I'm not my brother.

[ofkirkwall]

[ She scoffs. ] Of course not, he is not nearly as handsome or charming.

[ Naturally she takes the bottle from him, swirling it around slightly before sniffing the neck like some sort of pompous noble trying a wine for the first time. For dramatic tension, of course. ]

Now Varric, should I perish make sure they do something nice with my body─ and don't put me in a dress.

action;

[invigorates]

[ standing like...five feet to his right, lioriley just stares at him for a few seconds. ]

Are you being serious?

action;

[merchantprince]

[Now that the camera's off, Varric is happy to turn to her and extend the wineglass.]

Like a Chantry mother at a templar funeral. Here, try it.

[invigorates]

[ SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT REFERENCE.

hesitantly, she takes a hold of the glass, but does not drink yet. ]

Are you certain it is safe? [ varric wouldn't actually make her drink poison, would he? ]

Action

[wolfuncaged]

[Tevinter DOES suck. Tevinter sucks the MOST. He's just hanging out behind the bar, doing his job, same old, same old. ]

People who drink that wine also die. A lot. So in that respect you could say that it does, indeed, cure their difficult ailments. It just cures them terminally.

[Wow that was almost a joke.]

....Do you honestly think anyone will pay for this, Varric?

Action

[merchantprince]

That's because they're stupid enough to drink a snake.

Anyway, I've already made back the cost of relabeling all the wine I got off the last planet. You don't think I'd sell it to the Fleet without a test run on the planet, right?

[He shrugs and turns around toward the bar.]

There are two things that sell, elf: sex and danger. Put both of them in a bottle and you might as well be wiping your ass with gold leaf.

Action

[wolfuncaged]

They're stupid enough to do a lot of things.

[This face is not a convinced face. At all. ]

You could sell snow to people living in the Frostbacks, Varric, I'll admit that much.

[He'll just grimace at this quote-unquote wine. There is no way he is going to drink it, safe or not. He has SOME pride still left in him. ]

But this might be a little over-reaching, which is not hard for you, but still.

[Okay that was definitely a joke. ]

video;

[nugqueen]

['Sup, Varric! It's your favorite Spymaster!]

500 credits? For something like that? I never imagined you would be that generous.

[She might... want a bottle of that wine. You never know when it might come in handy? You know for murder or something. It could happen, okay.]

video;

[merchantprince]

Neither did I. I'm the very image of--

Maker's flaming mustache! [GIVE HIM A HEART ATTACK WHY DON'T YOU.] The Backhand of the Divine. How long have you been here?

voice;

[princessia]

[ Audio from her because video will make her feel uncomfortable. She's too young and not here to ask about the wine though. ]

E-excuse me...! [ TRYING TO SOUND AS CONFIDENT AS POSSIBLE... that stammering gives her away though. Oops. ] You're Varric... captain of the Tourist, correct?

video;

[merchantprince]

[Oh no it's Cullen's tiny. He can tell by the network ID and the voice. His demeanor shifts slightly and loses some of the bravado but none of the charm.]

That's me. What can I do for you, little lady?

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[thetigress]

A wine that is poisoned at purchase? You would make a fortune among the lords of the Romagna. [Is it tacky to make an assassination joke? Probably. Does she care? No.]

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[merchantprince]

[He doesn't owe them money, so the name doesn't ring a bell.]

Gotta love nobles. Always trying to kill each other. Or themselves. Or both at the same time.