» 4th lemoncake

[steeledskin]

Who: sansa stark and you!!
Broadcast: video -- fleetwide
Action: blue fish and iskaulit
When: today

Fellow travelers, [ how else is she meant to greet them?

today, the network flickers to life and its image frames sansa's face with an almost rehearsed precision. by now, the last licks of dye have left her hair. she is fully auburn once again -- and the rich copper strands, a colour inherited from her mother, are carefully braided and arranged in a style that would have taken time even with a helping hand. how long did it take her alone, one wonders? and she's wearing silk, to boot. ]

Begging your pardons -- but has anyone ever found lemons at any of our stops? Any of the way-stations? [ all this polish for such a childish, innocent question. ] At first, I was grateful enough for the false lemon flavours the Atroma give us -- but just once, I'd like to taste the real thing again.

[ she seems about to end the feed, but: ] Or if anyone has any lemons in their pantry, I would pay for a few. I have some credits put by -- [ sheepish, because it isn't her place to be discussing coin. ] Or mayhaps I could barter with some embroidery. My stitches are very neat. I promise.

[ otherwise, member of the blue fish could find her in her quarters while working quietly. at a later hour, she finally does something bold and takes a shuttle (all alone!) to the iskaulit, where she searches out the gardens. she wants to see green again. she wants to dream of summer. sansa crouches to touch a leaf -- heedless of the way her silk trails on the garden's ground floor. ]

Comments

[resnipstance]

Good. It sounds cliché, but-- sometimes hope is what gets us through the worst stuff.

[steeledskin]

How did you know -- for certain -- when Ser Anakin became family for you? [ ... ] If you don't mind the question.

[resnipstance]

[Ahsoka chuckles with good humour-- "Ser Anakin" is a new one, and she knows Anakin would wrinkle his nose at it.]

I don't mind at all. It's a good question. Just a hard one, too. Let me see...

[She seems to ponder for a moment, deep in thought.]

I don't know if I can pinpoint an exact "aha!" moment like that, but... I guess, if I had to pick a moment, I would say the first time we ran into this bounty hunter named Cad Bane. It was-- I guess you could say it was a turning point? For me, at least.

This guy, he's a real piece of work. He'd stolen a holocron from the Temple-- um, that is, a record of an extremely important piece of information. This holocron contained the names of potential future Jedi. Infants who had recently been born in the last year, who were strong in the Force. We guard that information at the Temple strenuously, because not only are those babies our future generations of Jedi, but if the wrong people were to find out before they were old enough to come under the protection of the Temple... let's just say it wouldn't be pretty. There's plenty of villainous scum and low-lifes out there who'd like for nothing more than for the Order to perish.

[steeledskin]

[ babies, unable to defend themselves. silently, she thinks upon the rumoured cullings of royal bastards in the capital. sansa swallows hard. did those babies have anyone to protect them? ]

Did you stop him? Did you recover the...list?

[resnipstance]

Eventually. We failed in our first attempt, though. Miserably. Cad Bane is smart, he knows how to play people. First he got me to run after him-- stupidly, I followed, thinking I could take him one on one. But I was only fourteen and stupidly overconfident, so of course I ran straight into the trap he had waiting for me.

When I woke up, he had me in cuffs and was threatening Anakin with killing me, if Anakin didn't unlock the holocron for him. See, we don't just guard sensitive information by keeping it in the Temple. Holocrons came about so we could have a second layer of protection-- they're special because only a Jedi can unlock them to get at the information inside. So while we thought we were chasing him down to retrieve it, instead we were playing right into his hands. Giving him a Jedi to blackmail into unlocking the information.

Anyway, I told Anakin not to do it. It's the Jedi way-- the needs of many outweighs the needs of the few. If my death could prevent who knows how many innocent babies from being kidnapped or killed, then I knew it was Anakin's moral obligation to refuse Cad Bane's blackmail.

... But he didn't. He gave Cad Bane exactly what he wanted, and he risked all those children, only to save one life. ... I wanted to be mad at him for putting those lives at risk, but... I couldn't be. How could I? He saved my life. ... We continued to chase Cad Bane and got the holocron back a day later, but-- in the back of my mind, I couldn't stop thinking that Anakin had gone directly against our teachings and our Code, just to save me. After that... there was just no way I could ever doubt him.

[steeledskin]

[ she cannot imagine being so brave. to loudly invite death for the sake of so many -- even for babies, sansa doesn't think she could be so selfless. as much as the world grinds her down, she has a keen survival instinct. there is a lot she would allow happen for the price of her own life.

and then, within nearly the same heartbeat, she cannot imagine how much self-certainty and confidence it takes for ahsoka to admit that she'd felt relief to be saved. surely, it would be a black mark against her record? to be glad another jedi made the choice that wasn't expected of him, and all for her?

but it made sense. after an ordeal such as that one, even sansa would be hard-pressed to consider another person anything but kin. softly: ]

He must care for you a great deal.

[resnipstance]

... We're family. [Simply, as if those two words explain everything. ... Maybe they do.]

That much is also against the Jedi way. But lately I've begun thinking that... maybe the Jedi way... isn't right about everything.

[steeledskin]

[ she's heard -- in ahsoka's voice, and in her words -- how much she reveres her life's calling. how difficult must it be to admit doubt? sansa remembers the way her stomach would twist and knot when she first began to question the kindness of knights, and of handsome lords. ]

My lady, you need not say anything that might get you in trouble. [ cautious, as though she's worried ahsoka might be punished for speaking treason. ]

[resnipstance]

[Ahsoka shakes her head.]

It's okay. I told you when we first met, right? I'm not a Jedi anymore.

I left the Order shortly before I came here. And all the members of the Order here are well acquainted with my reasons for doing so. I'm not saying anything they haven't heard me say before.

[steeledskin]

And do they forgive you for it?

[resnipstance]

[Drily:]

... For leaving, or for saying that the Code is wrong?

[steeledskin]

Both. Either.

[resnipstance]

Obi-Wan... Obi-Wan is the pinnacle of what it means to be a Jedi. He doesn't agree with me, but he respects my decision, and lets go of any misgivings to the Force. He... trusts in the Force, that everything happens for a reason, in a way that Anakin has never been able to.

As for Anakin... I think he agrees with me that parts of the Code are wrong, but... I'm not sure if he'll ever be able to forgive me for leaving him.

[Because that's how Anakin sees it, ultimately-- not as Ahsoka leaving the Order, but leaving him.]

[steeledskin]

[ ... oh. her mouth twists into a frown. sansa doesn't even try to hide it. ]

Could it be, my lady, that he sees your choice as one made in opposition to his own -- when he chose to open the list? And spare your life?

[ anakin made his peace with hypocrisy to keep a friend. ahsoka, it seems, cannot be a hypocrite herself. yes, she could see why anakin might be deeply disappointed. ]

[resnipstance]

[Ahsoka nods. Sansa is quick to understand Anakin, in a way many she's talked to about this subject previously are not.]

... Yes. That's it exactly. As Jedi, we're taught the importance of doing the "right" thing, even if that goes against our own personal wishes. It's just that in this case... Anakin believed that the right course of action was for me to stay with the Order, despite my desire to leave. And-- I believed that the right course was for me to leave... despite my desire to stay.

[Because ultimately, the Order was her life. She would've given anything to have been able to be okay with staying. To this day, she still isn't sure Anakin understands just how desperately she sometimes wishes she could turn back the clock and undo knowing everything she now knows.]

[steeledskin]

It can't have been an easy decision. [ sansa speaks few words, but she speaks them earnestly (for once). ] I am sorry for the pain it must have caused you.

[resnipstance]

It wasn't. But-- you don't need to be sorry. If anything... I'm starting to believe that it was meant to happen. At the time, I couldn't understand it. I wondered if the will of the Force was even real, and if it was, why would it make me so strong, so in love with being a Jedi, and then take it all away from me? Why would it make me choose between my morals and my purpose?

It's only since coming here that I've realised it was because "being a Jedi" probably wasn't the purpose the Force intended for me to begin with.

[steeledskin]

And yet -- it might be that being a Jedi was still an important step on that path. Yes? Am I understanding it correctly?

[ it sounds what that other man -- ahsoka named him obi-wan -- might have said. ]

[resnipstance]

[Ahsoka smiles.]

Yeah-- you got it.

[Quicker than Anakin OR Obi-Wan, honestly.]

[steeledskin]

It was a twist in your tale. Not the conclusion. [ ... ] I am sorry your friend doesn't see it that way.

[resnipstance]

... It's fine. We'll work it out eventually. That's what you do with family, right?

[steeledskin]

I believe so. Yes,