may-time mingling (starstruck!)

[mucked]

Who: Starstruck crew + visitors
Broadcast: N/A
Action: Aboard the Starstruck!
When: The merry merry month of May

[ there's been a tiny regime change and doubtless some debriefing after that masquerade! have at it, starstruckers. mingle away! ]

Comments

[reconstitution]

He said there's not really a fix to it.

[ Of course, he's referring to the PTSD, but it may as well be to his entire being. How does one even go about undoing all of that? At what point does trying to fix it start to become a compromise to who he is now? Will any of it even matter?

In the grand scheme of things, there are more important lives than his own. He looks at Peggy, debating, before he starts again slowly. ]

If it's something that would make people happy--safe.. Why is there a choice? [ Why bother with choice if it's for everyone's betterment? Winter knows, at least somewhat, that it's not the sort of thing he should be used to, people making decisions about him.. But it is. There's a resignation at the fact, but he's less likely to speak his peace about it. ]

[mucked]

Because -- simply put -- there must be a choice. Why, if I were to make that choice for you? I'd be no better than Zola.

[ perhaps there is no fix. perhaps there's nothing this man -- the telepath -- can do. but there must always be a choice, and the decision must rest in winter's own hands. she understands, regardless of how sorely she would like to see him recover his memories. ]

Is that what you fear? Hurting someone?

[reconstitution]

Hurting everyone. I know I'm capable of it.

[ He looks down at his mismatched hands, his left curling into a fist. All it takes is one mistake, or the wrong person. He could turn back and everything would be ruined. Whatever he'd worked on creating for his own here would stop. He wonders if they'd simply flush him out an airlock. At least it would be quick. ]

[mucked]

I wouldn't allow that to happen. [ she feels the emptiness of her promise -- not because she doesn't mean it, but because she rather doubts she could stop him. not alone, at least. he's beyond her range, now. powerful like steve was powerful. and yet, a bullet in the right place... ]

I promise I would never allow that to happen.

[reconstitution]

[ He'd hoped that she would say something like this. Winter seems satisfied, and he offers a small nod, though it remains to be seen whether she'll keep her promise. ]

You shouldn't.

[mucked]

[ a firm shake of her head -- but in agreement, paradoxically enough. peggy crosses her arms. ]

For the time being, you're -- you're doing well, I hope? You seem as though you're doing well.

[ considering. given the winter soldier's experiences, peggy would hardly blame him had he chosen to retreat entirely into himself. ]

[reconstitution]

[ Is that what it is? Doing well? It feels more like drowning. Sure, there are moments that he's fine. Very few and far between, unfortunately. Winter offers her a slight nod, his arms crossing over his chest again.

One thing he knows how to do it bottle things up. Push concern to other places. So what if he gets nightmares if whenever he sleeps? That's normal. ]

Nothing of incident to report.

[mucked]

Precisely. No one's been...hurt. [ not yet, at least. ] It can't be easy without Jim, here. I understand he must have kept you centered. Grounded.

[reconstitution]

He-- [ Winter shakes his head. Nope, he's not going to go into that. Not with Peggy. ]

Someone will get hurt eventually because I couldn't control my own head.

[mucked]

And that is a very good reason to continue consultation with this telepath chap. [ good, she's hit buttons. she wanted to hit buttons. ] A far better reason than worrying over what others might want you to be, or become, or remember.

[reconstitution]

It doesn't hurt that those would be fixed, though, would it?

[ His gaze is sharp, watching Peggy carefully for her reaction. It's got to be disappointing for her, talking to a stranger wearing an ill-fitting Bucky suit. A poor substitute. ]

[mucked]

[ his attention does not go unnoticed. peggy understands she's under scrutiny, and so plucks her way carefully (and, she hopes, respectfully) through the minefield of honest answers and cruel truths.

after the masquerade, she at least feels more comfortable sharing personal space with him. tenderly, she lays the tips of her fingers against his sleeve. ]

Of course it doesn't. Regaining an old friend isn't something to fear, or to dread. But I'll not lie to you, Winter. I do dread what might happen if the telepath fails. When it comes down to brass tacks, I'd rather keep the man I've learned to like than lose both to a rash decision.

[ what if the fix fails? what if they have to start from square one? she cannot allow optimism to sway her. ]

[reconstitution]

[ She's not lying to him, and she's not delicate about it. Peggy's passed the test for now. Had she tried to encourage him one way or the other, that would be a different story. He offers her the slightest nod. ]

I don't know what will happen. [ That's the worst part for him, in all honesty. Uncertainty doesn't do well sitting in his gut. ] ..Or what he'll find.

[mucked]

For whatever bad you fear will be uncovered, Winter, I promise you there is good in equal measure. [ peggy can say this much with certainty. ] I read your file. I signed reports for it -- I know the good work you did. It hasn't all been HYDRA.

[ ... ] And it might be that remembering that will be a good thing.

[reconstitution]

I'm not so sure.

[ Seventy years of bullshit seems overwhelming in comparison to the twenty-something before that. That little good can't possibly stand up to all the innocent people he's killed. Not if the nightmares have been anything to go by.

The only way he'll really know is to get the memories back in full- not the random jigsaw pieces he's been getting. ]

[mucked]

Uncertainty is to be expected. I suppose. [ ... ] But that merely means you needn't make your choice in this very breath. You can sleep on it. Or we can talk about it, again. Anytime.

All I ask is that the decision be properly yours.

[reconstitution]

Sleep on it. Sure. [ Because that's something that's going to happen. The dark circles under his eyes are probably sentient, now.

He's not all too keen on talking about it more, either.. Though there's going to have to be some give on the situation if he's to go through with it. ]

[mucked]

[ her mouth twitches. ] I hope that was sarcasm.

[ irony: a vital side-effect of humanity. ]

[reconstitution]

I still know how to use it. I'm not completely hopeless.

[ Pretty hopeless, but not totally. ]

[mucked]

I never thought you were. [ softly, and with a bit of due reverence. ]

[reconstitution]

Wouldn't be the first if you did.

[ He wouldn't judge her for it. Not really. Peggy's also one of those few people he's comfortable enough with to actually attempt joking. As dark or self-depreciating as those jokes were. ]

[mucked]

Yes, well, [ her cheeks puff. she's a little prim. a lot proper. she hides her humour under icy words. ] I never did care to follow the crowd. Let the rest think what they will about you, Winter.

Their opinion doesn't matter.

[reconstitution]

No, you didn't.

[ He huffs, his shoulders dropping. ]

Yes, ma'am.

[mucked]

[ she nearly dismisses him, but... ]

Would you like to stay for lunch?

[reconstitution]

[ He almost immediately says no, but stops himself. Winter hums, almost in indecision, before nodding his head. ]

If you'd like me to stay.

[ If this were months before, he would have turned her down. Hard for him to remember that there are still people here in his corner. ]