driftfleet | Jump in the line, rock your body in time (Okay, I believe you!)

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Jump in the line, rock your body in time (Okay, I believe you!)

Who: Adalwolfe Hawke and YOU!
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: SS First Breath
When: At least three to six hours after the shuffle

Action | Aboard the First Breath

Three hours since his ship-to-ship transfer and Adalwolfe has made progress. He's managed to find his room (more austere than his estate, but better appointed than the hovel in rural Orlais hiding from the Templars), don new clothes (surprisingly comfortable despite not being made of silk), and even managed to scrape together some serviceable food (the odd goop seemed entirely unpalatable at first but it's easier to prepare than anything else he's attempted so he'll take it.) Certainly progress, as he sees it. The next step is to explore the rest of the ship, familiarize himself with his post, and potentially the rest of the crew.

He hasn't run into anyone else just yet but it's not that big of a vessel so it's just a matter of time. He supposes if he actually tries, he could find someone. If he's going to be stuck here, he'd rather it not be without any contacts or friends.

To this end, Adalwolfe ties the arms of his charcoal jumpsuit around his waist to keep the bottom half up, adjusts his nondescript standard issue white t-shirt, and sets back out into the bowels of the ship not so much with a strut but actually exactly with that. If he was aware of the phrase 'fake it 'til you make it,' he'd also be aware that he's taking it to heart.

Because under the forced satisfaction with his accommodations and the acceptance of the unfamiliar clothes and strange cuisine, Adalwolfe feels completely and utterly alone in the blackness of space. The feeling had set in early on the Marsiva for all it's strangeness, and yes he knows why he's here and what this all is and that in and of itself is even more strange, knowing Thedas has nothing closer to travel in space than telescopes and yet here he is. He'd spent far too much time on the Hospitality deck just staring. Pondering his own insignificance, how everything that he's been through and done for Kirkwall, for Mages, for Thedas seems so small when he suddenly just knows how vast the universe actually is.

That's not the eldest son of Malcom Hawke though. He doesn't allow himself to drown in awe or fear of the unknown. No, Adalwolfe Hawke instead takes the dragon by the horns and forges onwards, best foot forward.

He peeks into every corner of the ship, managing to trip over the sometimes oddly placed railings and poles only once. In each and every room - minus the other living quarters of course, that would be rude - he takes a look around with just his head and shoulders in the doorway more to see if anyone is actually there than check out the room itself, but it's about 60/40.

Whenever he does find someone, he adopts a charming grin and offers up a greeting.

"Hello, I'm new. I thought I'd introduce myself."

Video | Fleetwide

[One day at a time.

Adalwolfe keeps having to actually tell himself to take things one day at a time because otherwise he notices everything new happening entirely too fast. Sure, the augment certainly helps out. He even has a job. Again not one of his choosing entirely, one he was roped into, but Communications Officer isn't so bad all things considered. At least he's not going to be constantly asked to rough people up even if 'could you talk to--' he imagines will be a common request. But a job will help to keep him grounded and focused and he's spent quite a long time since his arrival with his face in the broadcast controls and scanner arrays. Nearly two hours.

It's... probably time to familiarize himself with other aspects of his new life.

The truth is, not everything has been happening so fast. The Blight overrunning Lothering, that was fast. The explosion of the Chantry and subsequent Mage Uprising, that was fast. Waking up in space and being told he's now an passenger on an intergalactic voyage with millions of people watching the mortal drama as it unfolds, have fun? That's not fast, that's just weird.

Mostly he's adjusted. Or he thinks he has. He'd been popped onto a smaller ship from the massive one at the center of the fleet today, given his aforementioned position, and then left to his own devices. It leaves quite enough time for adjusting. He's a bit tired of adjusting. It's been half day on his new ship already.

But, as they say, one day at a time.

And on this day, a day that's not particularly special other than his change of scenery, Adalwolfe Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall, Sends out a fleetwide message.]

Hello? I think I've got this working. Can anyone see me?

As I understand it we're all from different places, times, or even realities so I was wondering just how different all these places are.

[He leans back a bit in picture, fingers pressed together thoughtfully.]

I can tell you, Thedas is nothing like this.

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No, it isn't. I--

[He looks as if he's going to continue for a moment, then goes quiet instead.

At first it had sounded like the Fenris he knew, grim and brooding and to the point. But then he'd offered sympathy. Not that Fenris as he knew him had been incapable of it; he'd given it about Hawke's mother when she'd passed, but to have it be about something much... not smaller to Adalwolfe, but smaller to one who's not going through the same thing. Or no, that's not right either. Perhaps it's that Adalwolfe had never really allowed Fenris to see this kind of weakness in him, but this Fenris - knowing three other Hawkes - knows what to look for. And maybe if Adalwolfe had opened up to Fenris in his own time, this wouldn't be such a surprise now.]

It's alright. You have the opposite then, don't you? People who seem to know you well whom you've never met before. They're both difficult and frankly unnatural situations.

Just a little. Though I have become rather adept in dealing with it.

[That's almost a joke, but not quite. This is Hawke, yes, just like every other Hawke is Hawke. But it's like trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing. He has to go looking under the metaphorical couch and coffee table, trying to find them in order to make the picture once more. ]

If you wish, I can tell you about the life I have has back home, and the version of you that I have fought beside in Thedas. It may help you fill in the cracks.

[This is going to hurt. He knew it the moment Fenris appeared on his screen, he just hadn't known how much, and now here he is willing to tell him about the life he both was and wasn't a part of, about things they likely never did together because Adalwolfe always felt he was just bothering Fenris when he thought to call on him for a trip to Sundermount or didn't want to involve him in something like helping apostates out of Kirkwall to escape the oppressive circle. He knew the man didn't approve, and things like that became more and more common until...

Until.

Either way, Hawke needs to be honest with him now.]

I'd like that, but I need you to know first that we... to me, we were friends, but not terribly close. You know I'm an apostate if you've known other versions of me- [Because to his mind there is no version of himself that is not a mage.] -and I had thought repeatedly that it would be best not to involve you in what that entailed, considering your distaste for mages.

[That came out a little wrong, but Adalwolfe sets his mouth in a line and continues regardless.]

If there is anything the Hawkes you've met know that you would rather they didn't... I'm just warning you so you can retain your privacy, if you wish, but do know that I... I do regret that we weren't close.

[That's as near as he can get to the truth for now without outright admitting to the chain of events that turned him and Fenris staff against blade.]

[A soft huff that's almost like amusement escapes Fenris' lips. It's not mocking, exactly, no. It's just being reminded how different the lives of the being known as Hawke can be. How varied, and yet how easily it is for them to assume some things remain constant. ]

Would you be surprised to learn that the Hawke from my version of Thedas is not, in fact, a mage at all? He's a rogue. One whom I do not consider a friend at all, but he has earned my loyalty all the same.

[And here is where Fenris fails, because he assumes - no matter what, he is always loyal to whatever version of Hawke he knows. Sure, sometimes they are on friendly terms, or sometimes they are on downright hateful terms with one another, but earning his loyalty has always been a common thread. ]

From what I understand, the events of our worlds remain much the same. The differences aside from the obvious are in that of our group, how we are connected to you, how we perceive your leadership.

...There is also the matter of your sibling. That has proven to me something of a matter of upset for you, I have learned.

That... is surprising, yes.

[His tone is guarded, but there's something in his expression that's at once confused and thoughtful. Not a mage? But then how is he defined? Does it change his actions drastically? Is he less sympathetic to their plight when he doesn't experience it himself? Or closer to Carver? Did he still have feelings for Anders, or is that based on their shared experiences of prejudice as well?

He tries to focus on what else Fenris has said on his thoughts concerning the differences and similarities. What catches his attention is how singularly he pronounces the word 'sibling.]

I had two. Bethany died in the Blight. Carver...

[He more exhales than laughs, a bitter sound even when Adalwolfe knows he shouldn't be, not when Carver had come through in the end when it counted.]

My brother became a Templar, mostly to spite me I think, which isn't something I suppose happened to your Hawke. Carver's one of the good ones, though.

[And there are good Templars. He'd finally helped bring Anders around to that acquiescence at least, even if they still agree that most of the ones they meet are unrepentant assholes. Carver's an asshole too, of course, but he's Hawke's asshole and therefore Hawke is the only one that gets to hold that particular opinion.

But Adalwolfe keeps going back to Fenris and his relationship with his Hawke.]

But you say you hated your Hawke, and yet you were loyal to him?

[And indifference breeds conflict? It doesn't entirely track in his head.]

In my version of Thedas, it is Carver who died in the Blight. Bethany survived, and joined the Circle while you were in the Deep Roads. She is a good woman, a mage who understands her power, and does not wish others to be harmed with it. I can respect that.

[He has never met Carver, but he hears mostly good things about him - but also the asshole things. He sounds something of a brat trapped in his sibling's shadow to Fenris. It's strange to think, what makes one sibling survive other the other. What events change to make it so. ]

Yes. We agreed on very little, and we were not friends. But I knew he had my back whenever I needed it. I did not need to like him to know I could trust him. No matter what our differences, he was there if I required it of him. It would be unfair for me not to afford him the same luxury.

[The joys of being part of Fenris' social circle. It's like holding an active landmine. ]

[Bethany had lived. That information makes Hawke's eyes widen just a bit. And that she'd join the Circle of all things, especially the Kirkwall Circle. Did she not think he could protect her? Or did something happen while he was in the Deep Roads and the Templars took her away? Fenris made it sound voluntary but he could just be sparing Hawke's feelings-

No, it's Fenris. That's not really something he does.

Adalwolfe runs a hand over his face, trying to recenter his mind on the conversation he'd intended to have as opposed to the gut reactions he's having to Fenris talking about his sister. Bethany may have lived for Fenris, but she died for him and that still aches but is nevertheless the state of things in the Thedas he's from. Ten years has given him time to accept it. Or at least bury the pain.]

How did he convince you of this? That he had your back.

[Where exactly had Adalwolfe failed? He'd have had Fenris' back too, short of murdering every mage they came across, but Fenris isn't entirely unreasonable as Hawke remembers. He can see the difference between a desperate soul and a true power hungry malificar. At least, Hawke hopes so. He'd not brought Fenris along on any outing where he'd get the chance to find out.]

[Fenris seems to consider this for a moment. It's hard to place the exact point he knew he could trust Hawke. It just...happened, over time. Over the man's ever determination to spend time with him, to understand him- even if he did not agree with him. ]

...I suppose he was just there, if I asked for his company or not. He listened, even when we were arguing, he listened.

[But now Fenris is getting suspicious. ]

...Why do you ask, surely you'd know the answer to that yourself.

I can't. As I said, we weren't close.

[Hawke draws his mouth into a thin line, disappointed in himself in a profound way as Fenris tells him he implicitly trusted a man whom he hated and Adalwolfe didn't rank even that high.]

What Meredith was doing in Kirkwall in those last years, whether due to that lyrium sword or not, was wrong. I stood with Orsino and the Circle against her. You - the version of you I knew - made a different choice.

But surely you still had my loy-

[...Or maybe not. Fenris' brow furrows, trying to make sense of that. The last thing back home he remembers is just before the Chantry would blow, but he knows enough from others what Hawke's choices would be- and knows he would follow him. He may not like the idea of throwing his support behind mages but-]

Meredith is insane. I may not particularly feel for the plight of the mages, but she is clearly a threat to the entire city. Anders is to blame for what happened. The entirety of Kirkwall, mage or otherwise, shouldn't pay for his crime.

[He talks about Anders like he's a bad taste in his mouth. Some things never change, it seems. ]

The last thing I remember back in Thedas was gathering before the chantry before he destroyed it. But I know if I was given a choice, I would still follow Hawke. I may disagree with him, but I would not fling myself into the path of madness, either.

[He doesn't understand why he would. He wants to punch Hawke 90% of the time, but why would he stand behind Meredith while she razed the city to the ground? ]

You turned on me.

[He's tired of tap-dancing around it, tired of trying to be politic with his words and prevent whatever further hurt is to come out of this. He's already ailing, and while he doesn't have some spiteful desire to bring Fenris down with him, he's realized that all he's doing is prolonging the inevitable, not preventing anything.

Adalwolfe runs his hand over his face, losing eye contact with the screen.]

Your hatred of mages drove you to help the Templars against them, against me. You told me you were fighting to keep Kirkwall from becoming like the Imperium.

I should have talked with you more, I should have told you what Meredith was doing, how she was descending into madness. Instead, my thinking that you would be hostile towards mages from the beginning led me to not call on your help.

[He leans his elbows on the console, hands folded and covering his eyes.]

I would have fought by your side and defended you just as you say your Hawke did, but I didn't trust you to do the same.

[He is so ashamed of what he had assumed, of what came from it. Isabela had never been confident in him either; she hadn't come back after finding that book. He should have told her he could protect her despite her insistence she could take care of herself, just as he should have taken the time to talk with Fenris and try to see eye to eye even though it was difficult.]

I failed you. I am so sorry...

[Fenris listens, his expression unreadable, as he struggles to understand what has been said. He's met many Hawkes by this point, but never had he heard of him turning on one of them. Even with his own, the idea is inconceivable. And yet, here is the proof, that he was capable of such a thing, and doubt starts to settle unsteadily in his chest.

Certainly, now he would say he would follow behind his Hawke no matter what. Now with the aftersight of what the future holds, where the battling between mages and templars leaves Thedas. Now, where being away from home for such a long time has changed him. Maker, he's even learned how to tolerate Merrill existing. He's not the same as he was, the anger is still there, but he's learned to control it far better.

Would he follow his Hawke? Or would their differences drive them apart. If it's possible for it to happen in one world, is it possible to happen in his own? How much of what he thinks of his own Hawke has been influenced by living away from him, from meeting others? For the first time in over two years, he's very suddenly afraid of going home. After everything he has learned of the future of Thedas- now he doesn't know what will be in store for him. Suddenly, another option has appeared. ]

What did you do with me?

[He hears the apologies, but his head is spinning, he can't even address them yet. Worse, he has asked the question, but deep down he knows what the answer is. What happens to anyone who gets in Hawke's way? Anyone who threatens those they care about the most? ]

[Fenris is an intelligent man and so if he's asking Adalwolfe this question, he knows the answer just doesn't want to believe it. Out of stubbornness or something else. Loyalty to his own Hawke, perhaps. Adalwolfe doesn't know, but he doesn't have to. All he knows is he has to give Fenris an answer and he can't soften this. There's no way to do it, now.]

You attacked us. It may have been one of the Templars with you first, I don't know, but we fought.

[He still can't look at the camera, can't watch Fenris' face as he relives what he considers one of the worst days of his life. And Adalwolfe has had a lot of bad days. His father's death; his sister's death in the flight from Lothering with the entire family having lost everything else already only to lose Bethany on that plateau; his mother all bits and pieces, pulled apart and put back together by a mad bloodmage; The Qunari overrunning his adopted city; and then that day. That horrific, blood red day of madness and mayhem when even his faith in his friends had been shaken but his faith in himself most of all. He'd failed them, all of them in different ways, but none in a manner so beastly as Fenris.

There's no amount of calming breaths that will help Adalwolfe now and his normally upbeat demeanor all but shatters, shoulders shaking from a tide barely held back and hands clasped together as if in prayer, not to Andraste or the Maker, but to Fenris and what forgiveness he may have to give. As much as Adalwolfe doesn't believe he deserves it.

Its a wonder that with how many others he had to kill in self defense, this one instance is the one that chokes him and has stolen his sleep at night for the past three years.]

I had no choice, there would have been so much more bloodshed if I'd fallen there, but please believe me when I say it's the last thing I wanted to do. Please, Fenris.

Please forgive me.

[Fenris doesn't respond at first, doesn't even look at the screen. He's staring at the floor, eyes wide, letting all of this sink in with horrible, dawning horror. So, that was that. In one world (and as such, potentially others) he is dead. Worse still, killed by someone he trusted. Someone he would have followed anywhere willingly.

...Or perhaps he wouldn't.

He doesn't know what happens to him back home. Him, specifically. He and Merrill were from the same points in time, and she has been long gone. She was the only one that he'd met who'd shared the same Thedas. But she isn't here to provide an answer to that. None of the ones he knows are.

After standing stock still for what seems like an age, he stands, still not looking at the feed. He can't look at it. He can't look at the man who killed him. Another version of him, but him all the same. He's felt betrayed by Hawke before, in different ways, but nothing has cut this deep before. Worse, there's the feeling that he was somehow responsible for this. That no matter what, he can still just be an animal, ready to turn on an attack anyone. That no matter what he thinks, it seems that's still there. That he's not really changed. ]

I have to go.

[He turns off the feed without looking at the device, and just like that, he is indeed, gone. ]

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Jump in the line, rock your body in time (Okay, I believe you!)

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