driftfleet | A Wild Mingle Appears

[She definitely still feels like there is anger directed at her in there. Is it some or most? She's not sure. And she does understand. It's not like it's just going to evaporate because she said she was sorry and explained how it happened. She's trying not to let it overwhelm her just because it reminds her of the break ups with Reid. Winn's not the same person and the quickest way to ruin things is to treat it like he is or overreact.]

I didn't want things to get like this. What I wanted more than anything—probably more than keeping everyone else safe—was just to hold you.

It's all I wanted, too. When I was barricaded I had two things in mind, worrying about Kara, and wanting to get back to you. And then everything went wrong and we didn't...

[ his voice breaks and he sniffles. ]

I was almost eaten last night. Why wasn't that more important?

It was. And I am sorry, but...I didn't have a fight by myself. [She doesn't want to have a new one either, but is this really all on her?]

I know. But Kitty, this time last year the scariest thing in my life was the prospect of my boss writing. Which - don't get me wrong - still scary and I say that after my definition of fear just got completely transformed. That was the most terrified I have ever felt in my life, that was the worst most helpless most alone feeling I've ever had. And you didn't cut me any slack. I'm...not an X-Men. I'm not a superhero. And I'm not sure...you know that, deep down.

[ she got angry at him, for feeling like his pain has no place, and last night, he felt it intensely. still does, it's why even now, he's fighting against his meltdown. ]

I need you to be ok with me not being ok because I'm not. [ and he has tried to fake it, but it didn't work. cisco hung up on him. kitty got mad at him. again, the urge to go to jim rises. he likes the way jim makes him feel - understood. ]

[She listens quietly as he talks, nodding at the end.] You're right. I mean, I know you aren't but it's the world I've known most of my life. [Technically, not most of her life but it's hard to count baby and toddler years.] It's hard to see around it sometimes. And it's hard on me too. I might be used to fighting and losing people, but it's not easy. My coping methods probably aren't the best. And to make sure I got you out of there I kind of had to go into work mode, you know? And then I felt like you needed something to focus on so I tried to get you there too. And then when were back I should have switched out of it. Right?

I want to be here for you, Winn. It hurts when you turn to other people first but I get it. And you should have so many people to turn to and that's great. It's my issue. It's not something you're doing wrong. But I feel like I'm failing you a lot. And I think what happened before with Reid made me feel that way for a long time and I'm not over that self doubt and I think it's like trying too hard where you get the opposite of what you're trying for.

I guess what I'm saying with too many words here is that I am okay with you not being okay and I'm not okay either.

[ he leans in and kisses her - it's short and gentle, but it's more about the sentiment than the act. ]

Work mode is fine. What I needed - was for you to forgive me, and hold me anyway. [ and it still hurts, it's probably going to hurt a long time. it's probably going to take him a long time to get over these inhibitions, to not feel like he's disappointing her by being vulnerable. but for tonight, he's going to cut himself that slack, he's not going to sink into the vortex of misery that is standing in reid's shadow, forgive himself, forgive her, and just hold her anyway. ]

I'd be offended if you were okay. [ for some reason, that thought is almost funny. huh. it's nice to know that things can still be funny.

he holds her close. ]

[The kiss is very reassuring and something she needed.]

I... [That really surprises her and it shows.] But I did. I mean, I tried. But first you walked out and then when I touched you and you flinched away. I thought you didn't want me to get close.

I was hurt. [ he won't reiterate again, he told her twice already what her words sounded like to him, and he really is trying to be done with it. he's suffered enough because of his dad, he doesn't want to entertain those thoughts any longer. the more he wallows, the harder it'll be to root them out.

communication is always hard on him. so right after being so thoroughly traumatized? even now, he can't find the words to explain that to her, and it frustrates him to no end. how can he explain to her that he was scared and lashing out, when he's not past it? he pulls away and wipes his eyes angrily, sucking in a quick breath. ]

[She holds him back tightly.] I'm so sorry. I love you, Winn. I never want to hurt you. I wish I'd kept trying. [She didn't mean to blame him. She was just honestly surprised he'd felt that way. She wishes she'd realized it.]

[ going with his most basic need, he clings to her, grateful to finally have what he needed so desperately all along. oh, if he only he could have asked for it, how different his day might have been. ]

I love you too.

[ he's angry, yes, but her reaction right now is helping him get over it. ]

I don't want to mess this up. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. And more than that I just don't want you to be hurting like this.

[ there are so many things he should be telling her, so many parts to focus on. but after all that darkness, his mind latches on to his first glimpse of light. pulling back so he can look her in the eye, he can't help a small uncertain smile. ]

Really? I am?

[ her life didn't have a lot of good in them, but still, this feels huge. he knows she loves him, especially after the planet, but he never stopped feeling like he was still second best, only preferable to reid because reid broke her heart, not because he's who she'd prefer. ]

Of course you are. [She says it like it's obvious but she didn't know either. Not until he was asleep and she knew what it might feel like to lose him. She kisses him softly before pressing her cheek against his and hugging tighter.]

[ he leans into the embrace, nuzzles her gently and stroke her hair. ]

I'm sorry too.

[ yes his reaction was understandable and human, but it wasn't nice.

for all their problems, despite the fact that when things get rough -- he prefers talking to other people, he wouldn't change a thing about kitty, besides what changes occur naturally from them getting to know each other better, and from her gaining distance from her traumatic past, that is, if their present ever gives them a break. she loves him in a way he was never loved before, and that alone is enough to make her the best thing that's ever happened to him, and it's far from alone.

for a moment, he doesn't think about horrifying fangs, powerful hands, or other lips trying to find hers. for just a moment, kitty rescues him from his own mind by giving him something compelling to focus on: her. ]

I want to be good for you. [ not more than anything. if it's between being the best thing in her life and saving her life by getting her and kara home - and saving his own life because he's pretty sure if he stays here much longer the atroma is going to kill him - yeah he picks that.

but he does want to be good for her, to never be put on the same list as the other men in her life. it's why he's always trying so hard to make her happy. but he's not a brave, strong, superhero...he didn't think he stood a chance. ]

[It would be amazing if he said a little more of that aloud or if they were still on the planet and it was being fed to her but what he does say to her makes her feel better.]

You are. [She nuzzles back.]

Want to get back in bed? [Talking doesn't have to end. It just might be more comfortable in there.]

[ he's still himself, talking is still difficult for him - as is understanding his own emotions. they come in confused waves of sentiment to him, not in coherent explanations. he's glad they're not on the planet anymore, he doesn't want her to feel how scared, how angry, how betrayed he still feels. yes, talking helps, but it's not an instant cure.

he's quiet for a long moment, struggling with what he needs to ask for, because it's embarrassing and he hates having to say it. it's humiliating. the punches won't stop coming. face flushing, he finally decides to come out with it. ]

You mind if we leave the light.

[ he phrases is at a question, but says it as a fact - they're leaving it on. if he's surrounded by shadows, the only thing on his mind will be sascha, there's no distracting himself from his fears in the dark. ]

[She kisses his temple.] It stays on until you're ready to turn it off for as many days as you want. [It's even a sensible precaution with Sascha even if he is locked away right now.]

You know, for the first week with the X-Men I slept under my bed just in case.

[ it's a surprising confession, and oddly comforting, even though she was a kid and he's older than her now. he turns to look at her with a quizzical expression ]

Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, they were mutants and mutants were the ones who had been after me. And everything in the news was about how dangerous they were and I hadn't fully accepted that's what I was yet. They seemed nice but I wasn't really sure if I could trust them. You should have seen me around Kurt. I was terrible.

At that age, I would've been a whole other kind of terrible around him.

[ he would have been fascinated. probably pulled his tail. and bugged him to teleport him. if he had someone like that in the context of his reality at the time, he would've thought the aliens finally came for him - and it would've been a relief, an adventure. ]

So what happened after a week?

Most of them were out on a mission and the bed looked really comfortable and I was really tired and I figured I'd just rest my eyes and then 13 hours later Jean was waking me for food and I kind of just went with it after that. I was still scared sometimes, but beds are nice.

[Nuzzling.] What kind of terrible?

[ the first instinctual comparison that comes to mind is sascha, and it's like daggers at his soul. he swallows it down and looks for something else, but the tears still roll quietly down his cheeks. he doesn't even notice. ]

I was the kinda kid who gave himself a codename. I would've thought he's the coolest thing in the world, he'd never have any peace.

[Gently brushing those tears away. She's not sure what caused them this time. It seems like a pretty good kind of terrible.] I think he would have acted annoyed and probably enjoyed it and showed off for you even as he was telling you to leave him alone

[ he's not sure either, he isn't even aware that they're happening until she starts brushing them away. they keep falling though, and there doesn't seem to be anything he can do about it. ]

He'd be screwed if he didn't enjoy it, cuz there's 0 chance I would've left him alone.

[Too many to brush away. She'll just hold him more securely and let them fall. Sometimes you just need to cry.] Little you sounds almost as adorable as regular you.

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