driftfleet | A Wild Mingle Appears

_{[ Christ. He tries to help Winn, he does, but he feels like he has to walk on egg shells because of exactly this. If he doesn't say the right thing, Winn takes it as a personal attack and tries to storm off. He had even said he didn't think he was that sort of man, had just offered him words of advice on his own experience with these sorts of things.

He got up, reaching out to snag Winn's arm, eyes flashing. ]}

I didn't say you had given up on him - I even just said I didn't think you were that kind of man! I was giving you advice how to start trusting people and stop worrying about them going rogue or something.

Damn it, Winn, why does nearly every conversation turn into this? I give you the advice I know how to give, and you take it as a personal attack! I am not going to sit here and coddle you, Winn. I am going to give you advice and support, and sometimes it is not going to be exactly what you want to hear, but I wouldn't be a very good friend if I did that now would I? That won't help you.

And when did I say you were the villain, Winn? Tell me when? Because I certainly don't think that. I think you have every right to be upset by what happened, both the attack Sascha kissing Kitty. I don't blame you for the things you're feeling now, and I certainly don't expect you to just get over it.

But getting over this kind of thing is hard. Believe me, I know. So I'm going to give you some tough sounding advice, because it's what comes with tough situations.

_{[ He blew out a frustrated breath and let him go. Winn could stay or go, he couldn't make him, but he wasn't in the mood to apologize or coddle when he hadn't done anything wrong, not in his mind. ]}

[ he stays standing there quietly for a long moment. at first, still quietly seething, throwing angry accusations back at jim in his head.

but next comes the realization that - he's doing to jim exactly what kitty did to him, the exact same thing that still makes him feel unsafe in her arms, unsure of her love. yes, he felt it clearly on the planet, but it's already fading away, recent memory is the strongest, after all. ]

You didn't. [ he finally says. he's fighting with himself, because he's decided that he's done questioning himself, questioning his sanity, done being afraid that he'll turn into his father because he keeps proving that he won't and he's so tired of being afraid that he will, of interpreting everything like that.

but the conscious decision forgot to clue in his subconscious, who's still doing it. ]

I'm out of my mind.

[ is his quiet realization. not the way his dad was, he doesn't want to kill anyone. in his own quiet way, he drove himself crazy. he can't stop. ]

I'm not fighting with you - I'm fighting with me. [ he finally turns back to jim, eyes wide with realization - and fear. his throat feels dry all of a sudden, and his heart is beating really fast. ] I'm sorry, Jim. It's not fair that I keep making you knock sense into my head. I'm sorry.

[ he doesn't feel ready to face the hall. if something really is out there, this is the worst possible time for it to grab him, because it's like he's walking through a daydream.

he turns back to the door and opens it to leave all the same. he can't keep doing this to jim. it isn't fair. he can't keep coming here. ]

_{[ He nearly tosses his head back and rolls his eyes heavenward. Jesus, this kid -

He steps up, signaling the door to shut and instead pulls Winn into a hug. He knows that Winn's mentality is not entirely his fault. It is a product of years of being told the wrong thing, the horrible things, of being expected to be the horrible thing. But if Winn wanted to get past that he would need to overcome it mostly himself. Jim couldn't fight the mental battles for him, as much as he wanted to. ]}

Stop it. I never said I hated it or that I wanted you to stop, did I? Don't jump to conclusions with no real evidence of them, idiot. You're supposed to be a scientist, remember?

_{[ He let out a breath into his hair. ]}

I don't mind knocking some sense into you. I don't mind you coming to me when you need help or need to talk. Just - try and digest what I say before reacting, okay?

_{[ He looked down at him. ]}

Come on, sit back down.

[ einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. winn's proved to himself repeatedly that he's not insane, and every time he expects the outcome to be different - for him to really believe it. but he doesn't, does he? because in his own way, he is crazy. it's a subtle, self deprecating sort of crazy, but it's there.

at first, he just stands there uselessly as jim holds him. just fighting the panic attack is taking all of his mental energy. his heart is racing, and yet it feels like his body runs cold.

he wants to digest what jim is saying, but he can't seem to focus on the words. he clings back a little bit. once panic starts setting in, there's nothing to keep his mind from throwing in the stuff of nightmares right along with it and he just wants to feel safe, if only for a second. he'll take false sense of security too, he'll take anything at this point! ]

I can't. [ finally, he lets out his weak reply. he can't move. he didn't freeze on the scene, he can keep it together when there's something to do. but now, when all they can do is wait, when what he has to do is fight demons that only exist in his head - he freezes. ]

_{[ Times like these, Kirk was so angry at the people that had broken Winn. That had told a little kid he was doomed for a destiny, to become a monster. That he clung to this idea that he was insane, one way or the other, because his father had been.

Kirk grunted, shifting and scooping Winn up in his arms - princess carry. It was the easiest at the moment, and he wasn't going far. He turned and stepped the few paces to his bed, putting Winn down on it, and then taking a seat beside him, like a parent comforting a child after a bad dream. ]}

I think you'll feel better when you've gotten some sleep. I'm always telling you to get more of that, aren't I?

[ if he weren't such a wreak at the moment, he'd be embarrassed - humiliated, even. as it stands though all he can manage by way of shame is looking down. he knows he needs sleep, he hasn't been able to get more than an hour here, half an hour there since the attack. ]

I can't. I close my eyes and he's waiting for me.

[ the irony of their exchange is that it reminds winn of the days he had a loving father, who would sit by his bed and comfort him when he woke up from a bad dream. no one has done that for him since. ]

And Kara's not there in the dream.

_{[ Oh. He knew about that. He knew all about that. Sometimes his dreams had those sharp cheekbones, those fierce, bright blue eyes that stole his breath. The hands around his throat. He knew of creatures and demons waiting for you in the dark.

He reaches down, taking Winn's hand and squeezing. ]}

I'll be here. I know it's hard, with things like that waiting for you in the dark, but you need to try. If not, we'll find a way. I try and physically exhaust myself, personally. But we can find the thing that works for you.

[ right now, winn's just so incredibly grateful - beyond words - to not be mocked. he feels like he's acting like a 5 year old, but he just can't help it. he's scared. ]

I am exhausted. [ he slept maybe three non-consecutive hours since it happened, and it's not like he slept a whole lot before getting up in the middle of the night to head to the iskaulit. he tried exhausting himself with kitty, but that only bought him half an hour of rest. ]

Nothing shuts my mind off for long.

Try thinking of something nice then, before bed. Help your brain switch gears. I know it's hard, but try. You should try and sleep naturally before we attempt resorting to drugs.

_{[ He didn't like them, so he avoided them. He refused to become addicted, and he didn't want to learn how they reacted with his new blood anyways. ]}

Come on, now, don't make me have to sing to you.

[ winn doesn't want drugs either, they'll leave him vulnerable, out of commission in case something does happen. he's been self medicating with alcohol, but not enough to get drunk.

he looks up at jim then, quirking a brow. hey, that is a nice thought, at least. ]

You never did give us that real karaoke number. I'm starting to think you can't.

[ he's trying. this is him....trying. trying to be his normal, pain-in-the-ass, teasing self. is it working? is that the sort of thing he would've said to jim before? he's not sure, but it's the closest he could come up with. ]

I didn't, did I? All right then...

_{[ He pursed his lips, thinking for a moment before he began to pat his hand against his thigh to get a beat. It wasn't a song he thought of often, but for whatever reason it bubbled up. When he does sing, he actually isn't all that bad. He's not anywhere near the elves, of course, but he won't be making anyone's ears bleed either. ]}

I know I could lie but I’m telling the truth / Wherever I go there’s a shadow of you / I know I could try looking for something new / But wherever I go, I'll be looking for you

Some people lie but they're looking for magic / Others are quietly going insane / I feel alive when I’m close to the madness / No easy love could ever make me feel the same

I know I could lie, but I won't lie to you / Wherever I go, you're the ghost in the room / I don't even try looking for something new / Cause wherever I go, I'll be looking for you

_{[ He continued on trough the rest of the song. ]}

Edited 2016-08-21 05:28 (UTC)

[ little by little, without noticing it, winn's body starts to relax as he listens, and a smile makes his way to his lips. when jim is done, he gets enthusiastic applause. ]

Yeah, bad news, I'm definitely going to be making you sing from now on. [ it was fun, and getting to experience fun...it gives him hope, hope that he could feel something other than lousy and terrified and paranoid again. ]

_{[ He actually blushes at the applause, waving them off. ]}

Well, because I like you, I just might agree to that.

_{[ He gave him a small smile. ]}

Think you can try and sleep now or should I sing you another lullaby?

_{[ Teasing, of course. ]}

[ that's sweet - and not a side of jim he's used to seeing. it feels like he just leveled up in their friendship, and it makes him feel warm inside. ]

I think you should sing another lullaby.

[ he really has no choice but to call him out after his last tease, but he'll try to sleep if jim pushes it. he really is exhausted and right now - in the best mood he's been in since the attack. if he has any hope of getting even a quiet half hour of nightmare free sleep - it's going to be when he's in this mood. ]

Heh, all right, but just one more and then bed for real.

_{[ He paused to think about a good song to sing, humming as he worked through it and decides to go with one of his favorite groups. ]}

Last night I had a dream about you /In this dream I'm dancing right beside you / And it looked like everyone was having fun
/ the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop, come a little closes / As we jam the rhythm gets stronger / There's nothing wrong with just a little, little fun/ We were dancing all night long...

_{[ Daft Punk - Digital Love ]}

[ he laughs at that - at the absurdity of their situation - and it feels so good to laugh. if he hadn't told jim what his dad had become, he'd jokingly reply with a yes dad.

as it is, though he just curls up in jim's bed, feeling childish - but loved and as happy as he can be right now, and listens.

when he's done, jim gets applause again. ]

You gotta come to karaoke night with us sometime.

_{[ He smiled again at the applause and this time he reached out and pushed at the other with a gentle laugh. ]}

I'll think about it. Now, that's your two lullabies for the night. Get some sleep for me.

Yes, mom.

[ because he never did tell jim that's not a flattering comparison either, so he feels safer with that joke. he curls up in the superior captain's bed, feeling a little guilty for taking over it like that. ]

You can keep reading, I've been sleeping with the lights on anyway.

[ it's an embarrassing confession, but he does need jim not to turn it off. and, he would also feel guilty for kicking the guy out of his own room. ]

No worries. I'll be here. Just get some rest.

_{[ He patted his shoulder and stood, going back to his chair at the
table and taking up his book again, dimming the lights just slightly to be
kinder on Winn's senses without being dark. ]}

A Wild Mingle Appears

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