driftfleet | 003. text + action.

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003. text + action.

[network.]

[Shinji isn't mincing words today:]

This is totally outrageous.

I got a ticket from the local police for going 'too fast,' even though it was only - only!!! - by an infinitesimal amount. Literally a couple zeroes after the decimal point right here. I'm not a great pilot, I'll just say that, but there's no way I should be getting ticketed for this freaking crap. [Freaking crap. That's how you know he's really annoyed.]

So the other pilots should be aware that these so-called police are more interested in filling quotas for speeding tickets instead of actually protecting people. Whatever.

[action, aboard various ships in the Fleet.]

[Shinji and his bad mood can be found on the Red Fish, standing outside Asuka's room; on the Vanquish, in search of Kaworu; and on the Heron, his home ship, where he's trying to nurse a bruised ego with the coffee maker in the kitchen.]

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[Texting makes it so much easier for Shinji to express himself. There's no chance in hell that he would say this out loud without fumbling over every odd word and giving up halfway through:]

I feel sick just thinking about all the stuff I don't know. It's another lifetime of stuff. It's too much.

Learning piano is nothing compared to this.

Learning piano was for the sake of our friendship. Learning these other things is for your own sake. It's just a matter of finding out about yourself, Shinji-kun. And,

[...]

You have the opportunity to do that, now, if it's something you want to pursue.

Does that mean you want to teach me?

[All of the sudden, he's crying and he can't seem to stop it. The last few weeks have been too stressful.]

It could be fun. Don't you think?

[The piano, and this, they're for different reasons... but they don't have to be entirely dissimilar.]

I don't know what to think. At all.

I barely know how to be a human boy.

But you are very good at being you. And that's all you have to be.

I know this isn't ideal for you. But you are not [...] alone. You aren't by yourself in being what you are.

[That's a familiar refrain... and it's one that never loses its effectiveness. There aren't too many people who think it's okay for Ikari Shinji to be Ikari Shinji.]

You won't hide anything from me? Even if it's a bad or scary

I want to know what I am.

["Anything", of course, refers to anything regarding these particular Angelic matters. Or, that's what Kaworu is telling himself. He's beyond stupid to even consider hiding anything else from Shinji, and he knows it; but there are still things he cannot imagine saying. So...]

As an Angel, I only know what it is to be me. Your experiences with this will be your own. But I want to help you with that experience. I will tell you anything I can, if you ask.

[Figuring out what to ask is the hardest part...

Unseen, he tries to wipe away his tears with his sleeve, and then he writes:]

If I'm an Angel, that means I have [...] a core. Right? And the only way I'll die is if that core is destroyed, right? So that's why the A.T. Field is important, to protect it, right?

The A.T. Field is important because it is an extension of your soul; it is the part of your soul that wants to keep you safe and alive. Yes, to protect it. To protect you.

The soul wants to stay inside the body. If the core is destroyed, the soul has no remaining tether to the body... That is death. So the A.T. Field does all it can to shield the core from harm.

And if your core is kept from harm, you will stay alive.

[TL;DR, yes, Shinji's correct.]

[Shinji absorbs all of that in a thoughtful silence.

And then he suddenly switches gears:]

Do you think the other Angels hated me for what I did?

[Because, yeah, he was a nauseating example of humanity, but at least he was trying to protect them as a son of humanity--or so he thought. In reality, he was slaughtering his own kind for the ultimately false promise of a better tomorrow. Fuck. Fuck.]

[It's not like before, in the ruins of NERV, where Kaworu had to ask, Do you want to know? This time he's already aware that Shinji wants honesty, and more than that, frankness. He's asking for Kaworu's opinion—]

I don't know if what they felt was hatred. Fear, for certain, and frustration; apprehension; loneliness. Confusion. But I don't know whether they hated you. Maybe they did. Maybe some of them did and some of them did not.

[—but Kaworu wants to leave him with a fact as well: ]

If they hated you, they hated me in the same way.

[In the time it takes to read those responses, Shinji's anxiety ratchets up to previous unknown levels--and then tapers off, all at once. Diffused like a bomb. Kaworu is guilty of many of the same atrocities that he is. Maybe that's why they belong together, sharing in each other's sins. Even an unforgivable sin would be bearable as long as Kaworu is with him.

...]

We were trying to do the right thing, weren't we?

We were trying to do the right thing, Shinji-kun. And I know you tried especially hard.

But we can try again, can't we? To do better, together, here and now.

Yeah, I think so.

[In which case...]

The A.T. Field. That's what I want to learn about.

I want to have the power to protect you.

[It hits him, center of the chest, like something that could fracture his core.]

Shinji-kun, I want you to do this for your own sake...

The A.T. Field is for your heart and soul.

Kaworu-kun is my heart and soul.

[Kaworu covers his mouth with his hand. It's not exactly that he's embarrassed by Shinji's words; he's generally composed enough to absorb most things people say. But he can't imagine being worthy of—Shinji's heart and soul, they're the most beautiful things, and—

Anyway, Kaworu's glad Shinji can't see the prickly flush overtaking his face. Though... Isn't it true that Shinji wants to see even these parts of Kaworu... ...]

I'm completely charmed. I can't resist you.

[Shinji's heart and soul, what they really are, are much more precious than Kaworu ever could be. Delicate, too. Kaworu will protect them, but more than that, he'll give Shinji the tools to protect them as well.

But this new feeling, being considered a part of something so wonderful... Kaworu wants to take the time to cherish it.]

[Equally out of sight, Shinji feels like turning around and burying his face against his pillow. It still isn't the easiest thing to speak from the heart, unfiltered. It's embarrassing. Even when he has a screen and keyboard to separate him from Kaworu...

But he hesitates only a little before he writes,] I love you. [Followed by,] I'm trusting you to show me the way.

Please be patient with me.

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