02 ★ good morning, sunshine

[diplomacme]

Who: Padmé Amaidala & you
Broadcast: video
Action: on the Heron
When: September 4th - evening

video

[ Padmé’s been asleep for about a month, but she still seems a little tired. As usual, she’s sitting in her office when she broadcasts. ]

Good morning, everyone. [ She smiles kindly, though it doesn’t dispel the glimmer of melancholy in her eyes. ] For those who do not know me, my name is Padmé Amidala. Apparently I took a month-long nap-- I apologize for any inconvenience I’ve caused for my crew. I may need a little help catching up on current events.

[ She pauses, unsure. ] I do have a different sort of question. Has anyone experienced side-effects from our stay on Hea-Guaa?

[ Because her telepathy augment upgrade seems to have finally kicked in. ]

action

[ Padmé is idly walking through the Heron. Officially, she’s checking their supplies and making sure there aren’t any pressing issues to take care of. She rather hopes there’s some kind of pressing issue, if only to take her mind off of everything and bring her back to her everyday life on the Fleet. But she’s clearly restless and distracted. ]

Comments

[diplomacme]

[ She's changed into what constitutes casual wear for her. Her hair is still damp from a shower, and she looks slightly more aware. Padmé gives him a wan smile. She's incredibly grateful that he brought the food into the room-- she's not feeling up to socializing. ]

Thank you. [ She sits on the edge of the bed, leaving room for him to sit next to her. ]

[sandhate]

[ she could be wearing nothing - and in fact, he probably prefers that she wore nothing - and still be beautiful. the kind of beautiful that takes his breath away when he looks up.

the smile she gives him doesn't convince him that it's the time and place for any thought along those lines though. he takes her hand as he sits and kiss it, first on her knuckles then her finger tips. ] You need to give yourself time to adjust. Two years of memories is going to be a lot to process. No one expects you to jump back into it right away.

[diplomacme]

I know.

[ Padmé watches him thoughtfully, as if she can see something she couldn't see before. She'd lacked context for all of the little mannerisms that had changed. She knows where some of that exuberance, some of that brightness and energy has gone. The war had consumed them. The strain of their lives and their separation only intensified it. She looks at him and sees two people. Her gentle husband with the boyish smile and the man with the hatred in his eyes when he'd pinned Clovis to the ground. She knows what that is now, that piece that's beyond her reach.

Her weak telepathy sloppily projects both images of him outward-- the way he looks now, then the way he looked when he pinned Clovis. She feels a twinge and touches her temple lightly, unaware that she'd transmitted the image outward at all. ]

[sandhate]

[ his connection to her is so open, so trusting; he could not imagine that she would project anything that could ever make him recoil the way he does now. anakin drops eyes to stare at his mechno-arm, it's silent as it moves but it might as well be as loud as a whole squadron of clankers.

when he looks at her again, he thinks loud enough for her to pick up: she knows, now she'll be scared of me.

he doesn't know himself when he's angry, they've known that since their visit back to tatoonine. but the thought that he would hurt her makes him distance himself, withdrawing as much as his heart would allow him to. ]

You remember Clovis.

[diplomacme]

[ Padmé's eyes widen slightly-- it seemed like an abrupt change of subject to her. Her telepathy only goes one way, so she couldn't hear him. But she knows him as well as she knows herself. He's withdrawing, curling inward. Feeling guilty or maybe afraid?

Padmé watches him for a moment. ]

You didn't let go of him. Why?

[ She hadn't wanted him to, of course. But did he do it for her? Or was it because it was the right thing to do? She wants-- needs-- to know. ]

[sandhate]

[ his eyes flicker to her. did she think that he was going to let a man die? that he was so far gone that he would drop him immediately if it meant that he would be out of the picture? she's seen him at his worst, when he knows nothing but that ugly feeling that blindsides him, makes him see nothing but red. he shouldn't be surprised, yet it still makes his chest heavy and hollow.

he turns his head and stares at his hands once more. that shame and guilt makes his tone is biting, despite the honesty behind the words. ]

Because he should stand trial for his crimes. He didn't deserve to die before that.

[ he wonders, if she sometimes forgets that he's a jedi -- that despite his status within the republic and the order and her urgency at him to stay as a jedi, he's only ever the cumulation of the sins he committed, the ones she was witness to. ]

Did you think I would kill him?

[diplomacme]

[ Padmé feels a twinge of guilt-- she'd been careless with her words. Her heart hurts when she realizes that they had spent too much time lately-- in her memories, at least-- on unsteady ground. Perhaps he thinks she's lost faith in him. She wonders if he thinks that she has come to love him less.

Padmé reaches out and touches his cheek lightly to get him to look at her. She smiles, nowhere near as wide or bright as usual but it's sincere. ]

No.

[sandhate]

[ he leans into her hand, slow and cautious as if he expects it to be drawn back. he doesn't break eye contact until he's more certain, then he turns towards her hand and press a kiss into her open palm. her touch is as warm and gentle as her smile, and he craves both assurances. ]

I'm sorry. I couldn't save him.

[ and yet, he is not sorry for hating him and her past relationship with him. he simply cannot bring himself not to. ]

[diplomacme]

[ Softly: ] You did everything you could. He made a decision, and neither of us... could have done anything.

[ It's hard for her to accept. Couldn't she have done something? Said something? But she knows nothing would changed. Clovis died for her and she hates it. She hates the sacrifices people make for her.

Padmé looks at Anakin, so close to begging him never to do the same. But he can't promise that. Neither can she.

She leans forward, pressing her forehead against his. ]

[sandhate]

[ there's a part of him that wants to suggest - express that it would have been a wasted effort. he would have died eventually, after the trial, in prison. he cannot quell that voice or the snide humour in it.

but she's louder; her touch and her voice, her presence, dim as it is, in the force. ]

I tried. [ he breathes slowly ] To make things right. I don't want you to be scared of me, Padme. I don't ever want you to be scared of me.

[diplomacme]

I'm not scared of you. I'm scared for you.

[ She's afraid that she'll lose him. To the war. To despair. To his own anger. ]

[sandhate]

[ quietly, he admits defeat. she always wins ]

I know. I'm not... I. I lost myself that night. I don't want to do that again. And I promise you, I won't.

[ that he can promise. and he will try his hardest to keep it. ]

[diplomacme]

[ She pulls back so that she can look him in the eyes. ]

I believe you.

[ She has to believe in his goodness, to remind him of it. Life is muddled and messy and they've both changed. But she knows that he still has that selfless kindness at his core.

Padmé chooses to believe in it. She decides that she won't walk away again. ]

[sandhate]

[ he almost doesn't meet her gaze for a moment, guilt weighs him down and makes him wish he was younger and still filled with that confidence that made him pursue her. he would have kissed her right now, that old, brighter anakin.

when he does look at her, he smiles just the smallest smile, still warm and soft, but uncertain of the dark inside of him. ]

That's all I ask for.

[diplomacme]

[ Padmé leans over and kisses him softly, comfortingly. ]

I believe in you. [ Softer, warmer ] And I love you.

[sandhate]

[ he could feel her as acutely as if she were force-sensitive. the warmth in her voice, the truth in it, the steady beat of her heart. anakin smiles into the kiss and he could almost ignore that ugly thing in his chest, the pricking fear that's always present. he rest his head against hers. ]

I love you, too. [ he pulls back and his hands cups her face, thumbs on her cheeks. ] More than I can put in words.

[diplomacme]

[ She leans into his touch, taking in the constancy and steadiness she'd become accustomed to on the Fleet. Having him by her side. Feeling like a married couple. ]

You don't need to.