driftfleet | Windrose Mingle

[He nearly laughs right in her face; his mouth twists harshly, and the breath he huffs out sounds like the beginning of a chuckle. But the apology on her face for how she died cuts the desire down, and Kurt closes his eyes.]

No, Kitty.

[She frowns, feeling the beginning of the mocking. It doesn't feel like he's mocking her though. It feels like he's mocking himself. The idea of his own worth and it upsets her as a person who loves him and as someone who feels like him. Cut from the same cloth. Bloodied hands. Tainted. Hearing Kurt come even that close to mocking the idea that he could love feels like saying she can't either. If she were fully secure in herself that wouldn't matter, but she's not and Kurt's opinion means the world to her and that's why...]

Well, I love you, idiot! And I think you should have good things and be happy and if that means loving a woman who is at least ten percent glitter and pink then that's what you're going to do!

[...he's getting yelled at.]

[Kurt's eyes snap open when she starts to yell, and for a moment he looks completely taken aback. And then he starts to match her for volume.]

I can't mourn another lover, Kitty! Everyone I loved in our world is dead, nearly everyone I've gotten close to since coming here has left, and I can't fucking handle losing another girlfriend! I will lose what little of my sanity I have left, do you understand?!

I'm not dead! [But she is. She is to him in ways she never had to feel for herself. Her death has been more academic to her. Something she knows was supposed to happen the same way their world was never supposed to exist. They were never supposed to exist. It's hard and heavy and strange, but it is something she thinks about not something she lives the way he lived her death. She knows that, but she also wants him to know she's here for him. He got one back. Things can get better. And she feels like the last person who should be trying to convince him because she's the first one to think they'll get worse again.]

And I lost everyone too, [Her family, their team, everyone in the prison, every man she's loved romantically except Winn.] but I wouldn't have Winn if I shut myself off from it! And I'll probably lose him too and it will crush me, but I'll keep going because if I don't I won't have whatever comes next!

If we're alive something will always come next. That's how I got to you.

[The last words are more gravely, not so loud. She's too close to tears even admitting that she still thinks she'll lose Winn and at the thought that she might have to move on without him. She keeps bringing up their happily-ever-after where they go to National City and get married and have kids and she doesn't believe it's going to happen. She wants it, and she'll fight for it, but she can't trust it. She lived in a horror, a tragedy, but never a fairy tale. She's going to have to see it to believe it.]

And I am! [So is she, but even in the heat of his anger, even when he wants to grab her by the shoulders and shake her, the urge to protect her is too strong for him to say something that horrible to her face. Not like this, as a weapon to hurt her and make her go away and leave him alone, goddammit Kitty. He's more considerate to her in this moment than he was to his own mother, and the realization sends a sharp pang through his chest.]

I wasn't whisked away the second before, I felt myself wither away and I-- [He bites his tongue on the words that come next, 'And when I woke up here I wished I didn't.' His head starts shaking when she says she'll lose Winn as well, his face setting in stubborn lines.] I can't. But you can, and you will, and I'll make sure of that if it's the last thing I do with my godforsaken life!

[And then she's moving forward, throwing her arms around him and holding him—solid and unyielding and crying into the blue. She may be hearing, "I felt myself wither away" repeated in her mind for a long time to come. She shakes her head as if to argue. To reaffirm that he'll find happiness. That he'll go on. But the words won't come. Her throat is locked up and not having any of it. But mostly she's just holding on.]

[He very nearly shoves her out of reflex. They've been shouting, his heart is pounding in his ears, and then she lunges at him. Kurt's hands are at her shoulders by the time he registers the arms around him and the muted sound of Kitty sobbing.

Fury rises in his throat and is crushed by regret before he can spew hateful words. They have a second chance at life, albeit short, and this is what he does with it; he makes her cry. Kurt's arms slide down to wrap around her, his face burying in her hair because despite his best efforts, he can't quite seem to keep his breath from catching.]

[She wouldn't have been surprised at a shove or a teleport. She would have been fighting the same instincts in his position. She's just grateful he doesn't because she needs to feel him warm and alive against her body. No withering away.]

I love you. [The words are soft and they sound wet in the way only words said between sobs can sound.] We're already in danger. [Because Winn isn't the only one who it feels like could break her if he left. It's Kurt too. He's of her world—her team. And she knows it's the same for her. If she left before him.]

I know. [Is what comes out unsteadily. This entire scenario reminds him of Sascha after the glitch, when he'd clung to Kurt and warbled out how much he liked him. The fact that Kitty doesn't mean the words the same way does little to lessen the resemblance or the pain in his chest at the fresh reminder that Sascha is gone. Good as dead, because Kurt will never see that bright smile again.

He squeezes his eyes shut against the tears, his arms tightening around Kitty as if he can prevent her from ever leaving if he only holds tight enough.]

[This will definitely work. The Atroma can't separate them like this. Winn and Wrath just need to join in and it will be foolproof. At least she holds him in return as if she thinks so.]

Remember when I didn't cry about things? [She sniffles. Most recently, back in their world, it had been the deaths of her students. She couldn't cry. She wouldn't. They had a mission to complete. Before that it was so many other things, but it wasn't always like that. When she was young and new there were a lot of tears. She just tried to cry them in private so they wouldn't see she was weak. So they wouldn't send her away where she could get captured again.

Over time walls came up to keep her safe. To keep things in and to keep others out. Sometimes she'd fight it off just because it felt like if she started it might never stop. Ever since the seal broke back in the prison it feels a little like it will never stop to her. But of course it does. There's laughter now, and smiles. Not just mocking and smirks—though she still has a few of those too.]

[Kurt nods, a soft choked sound escaping before he can help it. He remembers when she stopped crying. He remembers the time before, when she'd rush off and he'd catch the glimmer of tears in her eyes. It had twisted at his heart to see, but she was a tough thing. She'd learn how not to cry just as he had, and for the same reasons.

(In a hidden, traitorous corner of his mind Kurt hates Erik for letting children believe he would abandon them for showing weakness.)]

And now I'm the one makes you cry. [Not just her. Sascha had been so upset when Kurt went to see him after the glitch had ended and the Sheol was gone--or buried under centuries of forgetting. Linda, Emma; he's avoided making Wrath cry, that he knows of, but it's only a matter of when he hurts her too. At times like this, Kurt completely understands the urge his other self had to cloister himself away. If only not for that pesky religious requirement, he'd consider it.]

Wow, no. Worst take away ever. [One she should have seen coming, but she was trying to cite the waterworks as a net positive. Growth. Change. Healing. It's not always easy, but when has she ever dealt with easy? Even as a child with parents she challenged herself.

She tries to hug him tighter but there's only so much tighter she can go.] Having you here means so much to me. [She's met so many people in the prison and the fleet who have made important impacts on her life. People she's cared for and protected. People she's loved and been loved by. People who were from different worlds but still mutants or similar enough to mutants to understand the struggles involved. But no one has been home the way Kurt is home. And for better or worse there is a strange sort of comfort even in a place she never wants to return to. Having Kurt here is perfect.]

Windrose Mingle - November

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blah blah suicidal idealism warning

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