driftfleet | mk. 07 (text)

Entry tags:

mk. 07 (text)

Who: Kaworu Nagisa and anyone else
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: he's off on his own, for now.
When: afternoon

It's curious to call a place the way this place is called. "Solace" is a deeply personal concept to any creature, I believe. What brings you that measure of peace is going to be different from what brings it to me. So there's a lot of confidence in naming this space Solace, because how did they know whether this has what you or I are seeking?

But isn't it a little nice, too? The people who created this place must have found their solace in it themselves, and they truly believed it to be a provision of peace for the average heart. Those people have long since passed, I'm sure, now dead and having scattered past all these clouds. But what they believed to be vital, what nourished their well-being, remains here as a beacon of their hopes and endeavors. You know, it's always that way: when anyone leaves the world, their personal truths linger on, a landmark of reality. To the founders of Solace, this was solace. So it remains, whether or not you or I find our peace here.

Oh, anyway, hey, what do you think of this thing?

[attachment: nice72.jpg]

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Do they like it? I don't know much about them.

Hey, do you want to tell it anything else?

I saw one on a nature documentary once.

I don't know what else to say. It's not like I'm there.

That's where I had seen most things. Videos I was shown when I was younger. Later, media I saw in NERV's libraries.

I used to have conversations a little like this one. The one with the lizard, that is. Conversations where the other party wouldn't speak to me in return. But I could say anything to it.

You could probably do that with the lizard.

You have to get it to talk back or it's no good.

[Getting it to speak isn't a problem if you're lonesome enough, childish enough. Her mother's silence was so awful, so never ending, so Asuka spoke to and as her doll years after it was appropriate. Sometimes, now that she has her back, she's found herself regressing, alternately throwing her doll and cradling her close. He couldn't understand that. He's never been that desperate.]

You want me to come? Or are you just leaving me with the lizard?

Edited 2017-01-27 05:51 (UTC)

I think I needed someone to listen more than I needed someone to talk. Of course, it's all context. Out of anything I could have spoken with, the ones who had a chance at talking back were the ones who were no good after all.

[Then here he hesitates, metaphysical thumbs not quite ready to key in anything else. He wonders what she might tell the lizard, if she were to come. He wonders how she would expect it to respond.]

So far all I've told it is that a friend said hello, and that friend's hellos are always special. Maybe now that it's heard that, it would like to meet you.

[So even he isn't so sunny as to think that everyone's good. That isn't nearly the surprise it should be. Finding out he wasn't perfect used to make her sneer and rage simultaneously, but now that's not quite true. Even though he's no different from before. Well. Less wary towars her, maybe. No, that's not all of it. Asuka swallows.]

But that was back then. Right?

[There's a tenseness and then a squirming in her gut as she looks at what else he's written. A friend. A friend. Kaworu called her a friend twice in a row. Called her special.]

[Her face is way too warm, and some of the old jealousy she used to feel when Shinji seemed especially overcome by Kaworu starts to mitigate. Kaworu's attention is like a full moon over dark water, illuminating everything.]

Then maybe I'll meet you both. And maybe you'll say hello yourself, too.

Don't let it crawl away before I get there.

That was back then.

[And should be now. Kaworu has been spoiled. He has spent too long feeling good about things. Feeling valued. Shinji says such kind things to him. And Asuka... he knows it was her who left him that scarf. He felt her presence, didn't know if he should face her, and waited until she departed. Then he saw the gift left behind, and he knew—he knows he's been living way too well.

Still, the emotional greed persists.]

We can both sit still and quiet for you, Shikinami-san.

Don't be too quiet.

[Maybe she'll ask about the scarf. Maybe she'll ask about him instead. Either way, the lizard isn't the primary one she wants to visit, but it is a nice bonus. An intermediary, almost. Yeah.]

[Asuka pulls her hair back into a ponytail and digs around in her closet.]

Give me a few minutes. I'll find you.

Just a little quiet, then.

Take your time. I don't mind waiting.

[Waiting is a chronic condition in him, but it's not like patience came naturally to him. But he has begun to wonder if his qualities suit more than just Shinji. The possibility seems almost outlandish.]

[True to her word, Asuka's there in a few minutes, walking up awkwardly to the park bench, waiting, uncharacteristically, to be asked to sit. She's dressed in a red blouse and skirt. She's been all out of sorts since the invasion, but out of sorts (no, that's too harsh) (what is it, why is it she likes--) with Kaworu for longer. It's past time they talked to each other.]

[She sees the lizard there, too. He looks like he'd be weird to the touch, all rough.]

Hey. [And then--] Hey, Kaworu.

[He's already looking at her, from the moment she's within view (a very long moment, for Kaworu). His smile stays mild all the while she draws nearer. But as she addresses him, he cants his head, because...]

Hey, Shikinami-san.

[...he has learned to be meek, here and there, most especially in the face of surprise. "Kaworu" is his favorite thing to be called, but he's never heard it in her voice. "Nagisa" has always been all right, but it's a little...

He swallows back a youthful burn, feeling a little more grown up, like this. And he seems to savor the swallow; for a second, he closes his eyes, face still turn up toward her.

Once he opens his eyes again, he lets out a soft, slight breath. Of course he's smiling.]

It's seemed content to wait here, [he says—well , it's a murmur, ostensibly for the sake of the lizard.] It must have been determined to make your acquaintance, after hearing a little more.

[Asuka looks uncomfortably at the bench before plopping down on it, all impulse and little consideration (but plenty for the lizard-- there's room safely between them). People standing while she's sitting make her feel anxious, and though she doesn't think anything short of Shinji in danger could ever make Kaworu anxious, she still doesn't want him uncomfortable. Yeah.]

[Shikinami-san is okay, too. She hasn't asked him to call her anything different, and of course, she didn't ask his permission to stop using his given name either, just started up with it. It's all right. It's plenty just to be called a friend.]

Hey, you. [Asuka nods at the lizard, expression far less wry than maybe it ought to be at her age.] Don't trust what he says. He's way too nice describing people. [She steals a glance back over at Kaworu. Then back to the lizard.] I mean it.

[The lizard's only acknowledgement is a sluggish blinking of its eyes; otherwise, it stays stock still. Kaworu, meanwhile, is leaning heavy to his side, putting his weight on one hand, its fingers splayed against the ground. His legs are folded underneath him. All in all, he could be posing for a painting, down to the charmed expression on his face. He looks awfully fond, which is not necessarily uncommon—but it's also nearly tremulous, something with more substance from his heart, and not a thing lent to all creatures. Calling her a friend was one thing, but the classification is a lot more evident in his ruddy eyes.

Of course, he'd had a lot more time to grow comfortable with having Shinji as his friend, so while there's little seismic activity in those interactions, the time he spends with Asuka has caused his plates to shift more and a little bit more. He shifts his hand. He crosses his ankles. He is never wholly sure what to do with himself; he's inexperienced, compared to dealing with Shinji. Part of himself says that he has the time to learn. The other part is loud and prickly with rebuke.

He takes one psychosomatic breath.] I describe a person as I see them. I can be callous if I feel like it, but that wasn't how I needed to portray you.

[He's fidgeting, kind of. It's weird to see him like that. Asuka's not looking at the lizard now, who seems to be content enough, just Kaworu's posture. He always looks as if he's stepped out of a magazine, almost always acts with that peaceful assurance she envies so much. Things are different now.]

I've been callous to you.

Shikinami-san, [and here he lowers his eyes. He's not cowed; it's solemn but solid, and a sign of respect. A buffer perhaps, for this:] Asuka Shikinami Langley, you have never owed me anything. Yet here you are.

[Asuka opens her mouth as if she's about to reply, then closes it almost immediately. It's rare that she doesn't know how to respond, or rather, rare that she chooses not to. He has a way of catching her off guard at any moment, seemingly without meaning to.]

[Nervously, she tilts her head and pushes a strand of hair back behind her ear. Bright red flower hairclips hold it back now, no headset. She's almost gotten used to not wearing it anymore.]

I didn't get you. [She doesn't fidget this time, but she does pause.] I thought you were going to take him away.

[Kaworu looks at peace with what she says. He looks at peace with most things said by most people, but Asuka has been markedly more successful with rattling his entire nervous system. This, though, this is all right. Judging by the lowering of his eyelids, and the way his fingers spread over the ground in what is nearly a caress, it's all right.]

What did you feel? When you saw that I do indeed get scared of things.

I didn't know what to feel.

[Asuka's eyes are lowered, too, looking more at his fluffy hair and his hand on the ground than his face.]

Vindicated, I guess. [Knowing that Kaworu had feet of clay just like anyone else. Worse, even, since he'd been doing this over and over, with no success.] I thought you'd had it so easy. But...

[This much naked honesty is getting far too uncomfortable.]

But I felt betrayed, too. Look, that's not your fault. Shinji thought you were so great. So amazing. I hated that. [She takes a deep, unnecessary breath as the lizard seems to perk up and listen in.] But then I realized I could see it, too.

[His eyes almost meet her face—they do, for a split second, and then he's glancing more furtively than that, shame or secrecy, things she's seen too much of from him. There's no joy in his face while he looks marginally upward through his eyelashes, chin still angled down. His expression isn't one of upset, exactly, but right now he feels guilty for misleading her and Shinji both. The posturing is always done on purpose, of course, but...]

You know better than anyone that I only look that way because I try to.

[He never really accepts compliments even when he's jovial, but here—he has promised her more than once—he isn't supposed to be dishonest with her. And yet he is encased in a bitter wealth of manufactured presentation. If she sees him even a little bit like Shinji does, he's lying to her.]

That's not true. Idiot, no one can fake--

[Fake what? Being like him. Being kind. Being someone that could so easily make it seem like his whole attention was focused on her. She might never have owed him anything, but he hadn't owed her, either. Not his time, not his attention. He hadn't seen her as the perennial irritant she'd seen him as for far too long.]

[Her face is flushed, teeth digging impatiently into her lower lip.]

Don't act like that when I'm trying to tell you I like you.

[This always happens. He always ends up feeling so damn young around her. It's here now: he wants to ask, How should I act? He wants to ask her, How does it feel to like me? He might as well be days fresh from LCL, trying to figure out the television remote, and then giving up and flipping through channels with the light of his soul.

But he isn't going to give up here. He wants to approach this with heart and hands. That's the way it should be.

Anyway, he's still intent on being honest:]

I like you, too.

[A plain statement, simple and straightforward, uttered with no evasive cadence or urge to shy away. He is bone white in comparison to her flush. And he still isn't smiling, but the result of that combined with his level delivery is something attentive. Invested, even. Yes, Kaworu is invested in this moment occurring between them. His words are simple as they are because he doesn't want to be superfluous or miscommunicate himself; he doesn't want to harm what's happening right now. It means a lot to him, to be liked.]

You do?

[She hasn't relaxed the barest inch since he said it. I like you can run the gamut, after all. A person like Kaworu (when did he become a person instead of an Angel?) (when did he become someone she cared about for his own sake, and not just for Shinji's?) likes the eavesdropping lizard, bags of candy, probably even liquid soap dispensers. He treats what surrounds him as if it's all completely new and exciting. So it's not good enough just to be liked. Asuka craves precision. Definition.]

How? [She doesn't say it as though it's an impossible feat, to like her. It isn't, even as rotten as she is. She forces herself to look at his pale face, his red eyes, and keep on demanding, face florid.] What do you mean by that?

[He isn't surprised by her desire for clarification. It's familiar, and it's in line with what he's learned about her. He knows, then, how important it is that he chooses the most thoughtful answer. When Kaworu shuts his eyes, it's in deep consideration. He is poring over every aspect of her he's encountered.

Ah. He's finally found it. There's the spread of a smile over his face, which is tilted up toward her, a pigmentless sunflower.]

I like you like I like Beethoven's Appassionata.

[Asuka's silent as he turns that smile on her. It's warm. It's very, very warm. She didn't know how much she craved that, didn't know how it would make her feel so-- so-- light and wanted. She doesn't really feel like she deserves it, but that doesn't keep her from relishing it, or from starting to smile back.]

That's a lot. [That's a piece she sort of recognizes, or thinks she does. It's dramatic. And then, because that's not enough, fingers curving, feeling like the fourteen-year-old she isn't but she's always been--]

I like you a lot, too.

[Kaworu's eyes snap back open. Her words are the logical conclusion of this conversation, all they're sharing with each other, but that doesn't mean he anticipated them. She likes him, all right, he's still adjusting to that feeling. But now she's saying she likes him a lot.

Talk about being undeserving. Equally young for the moment, he's caught between wanting to grab her hand, to squeeze her fingers for security purposes, and wanting to ask her a hundred demanding questions about liking things. (Liking him, specifically.) He refuses to do either of those things. He's not that new and stupid anymore, he tells himself. Although he does wonder what she might think if he acted on youthful impulses.

Instead, he compromises. He rises from his spot on the ground, slow and steady in body but with fluid motion, and he dusts off his hands. First he glances down at the patient lizard. With a laugh crouched in the back of his voice, Kaworu says,] I think it fell asleep. It wanted to meet you, but I kept you all to myself once you came.

[Now he looks at her again. He's looking down at her only for a moment, before he makes certain to posture himself equally instead of above: he sits down on the bench beside her.]

This is a good thing. [He says it softly, gently. He's addressing his own doubts about deservedness just as much as hers.]

mk. 07 (text)

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