driftfleet | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Who: Sorey, Zaveid, Dezel, Mikleo
Broadcast: Closed to those listed above
Action: Huntress
When: post Lailah's departure

Action. Huntress

[Sorey is just finishing up assembling their second engine when he feels it.

The abrupt lack of something, deep inside him, resonating like the strike of a gong. He smacks a hand against a bulkhead to keep from lurching forward and smacking his face into the wall, reaching frantically out for cords attaching his soul to his seraphim. Dezel, Zaveid, Mikleo-

Lailah.

She's still there, it's still there, but weak and distant. Like Edna's. The warmth of her fire has vanished, barely a flicker of what it was when she was here. Does that mean she's been sent home? Gods, Sorey hopes it does, prays that's what it means and not something...not something horrible.

To be sure he jumps to his feet and rushes out to check the ship for her. Maybe just- maybe something just happened, an augment glitch, maybe she just traveled too far from the ship for him to feel her (but he's pulled Dezel's wind across the ships before, it shouldn't have changed anything). He grabs his comm and hurriedly locks a broadcast; he has to check on the others, make sure they're okay, to see if they're still here.]

Broadcast. CLOSED

Guys?! Are you still here, is everybody okay?

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Yeah, sounds about right. He was usually wise about things like that.

[He could be stonefaced and stubborn most of the time, about the most inconsequential things, or so it seemed to them. But he'd always been mindful of their hearts, protecting them from themselves as much as from the world. Annoying as his rules had been, it'd kept them alive until they grew enough to protect themselves.]

But he'd want us to find our own way, instead of relying on him too much. And since we're doing that now anyway...

I've been thinking about that lately. [Lailah is always a huge proponent of doing things for yourself, as yourself, for every one of them. Sorey struggles to find that balance between duty and personal motivation every day, but she'd always been there with a kind word or a piece of advice to help him through it. She's far more patient with him than he has ever been with himself, that's for sure.]

Remember our dream?

You don't need to ask, of course I do.

[There's a reason it's their dream, after all. He glances over, though, waiting for Sorey to continue.]

I think I'm finally beginning to understand how much there is to overcome before we can realize it.

I don't think- I don't think Gramps was right, when he said humans should live with humans and seraphim with seraphim. If that were the case, people like Lailah and Dezel, who love humans and want to be with them, wouldn't exist. And I don't like that he always thought I would leave to live with humans one day without even talking to me about it.

...but I don't think it's right to dismiss how Gramps felt either. He's so old that even Lailah looks to him as an elder. And there was Sindra, who only came back in memory of Margaret, and the seraphim from the hunting ground cliffs who were ready to attack us to make us leave.

...I think until I accept the truth of their feelings too, I can't fully realize our dream with you. So if that means we have to rely on him and on Lailah's words and wisdom, then it's not so bad for us to take our time figuring it out.

[Mikleo falls silent at that, looking torn for a while as he debates how to respond. It's so much harder, now that he knows more of what happened in the past- why seraphim and humans have such a broken relationship, why resonance is so rare. Above all, why there are such a small number of seraphim who want anything to do with humans. Before, they'd assumed that resonance had been the primary factor- a lack of exposure to seraphim, a lack of willingness to believe. Now his eyes have been opened to a completely different problem: a lack of trust, because a once-peaceful coexistence had been shattered by the cruelty and greed of mankind.

"We have different values," Edna had said, when they'd discussed the difficulties of coexisting with humans, and he wonders what her experience might have been back then. She was old too, wasn't she? Like Zaveid, like Lailah. Maybe she'd been tethered, or knew someone who had, or knowing what had happened to the others was enough to justify how she felt about humans. Who could blame her? Who could blame any of them? If he hadn't been raised alongside Sorey, if he'd lived in that era and been chained to an exorcist with his mind sealed away, like some kind of soulless doll used to channel power...

...it's terrifying, and he doesn't want to think about it. How different their lives would have been, and... whether or not he could ever forgive it.

Hearing Sorey's words makes it harder to hold it in, but he knows it isn't time yet, nor is it his story to share. He only wishes it wasn't something he had to dance around, until Sorey found his own equilibrium again. Instead he hugs his knees close to his chest, gazing down at the floor between them, setting free a quiet exhale.]

There's a lot about the world that we still don't know. Not even recent history, nevermind what happened in ancient times. But history is where the answers are- to bridge the gap between humans and seraphim, it's important to know how it fell apart.

[Even with everything that Zaveid told him... even he doesn't know the whole truth. There's so much more to learn, and so many more questions he wants to ask, now that he knows what to look for.]

After we deal with Heldalf, we should go looking for them. Ruins, libraries, seraphim who're willing to share their stories. Whatever we can find that explains why we live apart.

[Sorey pauses for a moment; it's not- well, it sounds like something Mikleo would say. He's always so careful, always meticulous about gathering data and formulating a theory based on the evidence present (except for when he's disagreeing with Sorey just to keep him from getting ahead of himself) but this feels...different. It's not the answer Sorey quite expected from Mikleo.

Well. They're both changed by what happened.] I bet Mayvin would know where to start. He's been across the continent and the whole world; if there's anybody who can give us a headstart on uncovering the gaps in our history, it's him.

[Mikleo hesitates again, wondering if he'd said the wrong thing or made it a little too obvious, but there's no taking it back now.]

Mayvin's a good start. If he can point us in the right direction, we'll save time.

[It could take them a long time. Years. They could spend the rest of their lives searching for answers to bring humans and seraphim back together again.

That... sounds like a pretty good life, actually. Just like they always dreamed. Traveling the world, exploring ruins, sharing those experiences side by side. Really, it's what he's wanted more than anything.]

Hey, Sorey... when you think about humans and seraphim living side by side... what do you imagine it'd be like, now?

[It used to be more like Elysia, back before much of the Shepherd journey had happened. More recently, sanctuaries with domains, blessings, and worship had seemed more ideal. Now he wonders.]

[It's not like Sorey doesn't know what Mikleo is asking, but it's a fair question after their argument a while ago.] I guess...it depends, doesn't it? [Sorey glances at Mikleo, leaning until their shoulders touch.] If Uno and the others want to continue serving as Lords even after Heldalf is defeated, then with Ladylike and the like it'll be worshipful. Maybe some seraphim will never want to be around humans at all, so they'd stay away from settlements.

And maybe some will be like us. Traveling together, living together, as friends and family.

So... it would be up to the seraphim to choose where they go.

[Mikleo closes his eyes, clasping his hands together lightly by his knees. It isn't a surprising answer, really, but he's glad to hear it anyway. He'd been worried, after their last talk.

It's not like he'd ever, ever imagined that Sorey would come to think the way the exorcists of the past did. Such a thing would be impossible. Even if in a sense he'd been tethered, as a dragon, to the fallen Shepherd, it's only because Sorey wasn't himself at the time.

No, his concern was that Sorey won't be the Shepherd forever, and even the best of intentions can be misunderstood and twisted around by those who might follow in his footsteps.]

I think... more of us would be glad to share space with humans as long as we know that we're welcome. If people know how to recognize malevolence in themselves, if there are others with the power of purification, the way it used to be- to keep the hellions in check and protect everyone, to share the responsibility and keep the lines of communication open... there's no reason why we couldn't.

[Okay, that is just so starkly different from what Mikleo was saying last time that Sorey is giving him an odd look. He'd been the one cautious and oddly respectful before and Mikleo had very nearly slapped him for it.]

Okay, what's with you? What's this about not being welcome or seraphim not being able to choose what they do? [Did someone say something to Mikleo? Gods darn it, did some Hyland council jerk show up or something while Sorey wasn't looking?]

[Yeah, that was definitely too much, and Mikleo's sort of mentally kicking himself now for it. He's not too sure how he's going to work his way out of this particular corner without lying about it, but now it's become necessary. Damn.]

It's... just a thought.

[Which isn't enough, he knows, so finally he releases his legs from his own iron grip and shifts positions, moving to sit on his knees and face Sorey properly.]

Let me ask you... Lailah forgave you, didn't she? For what happened?

[Whether or not she said it as explicitly as he did, she must have given him an impression one way or the other.]

[It's absolutely not just a thought and Sorey frowns, but after everything he knows Mikleo wouldn't keep something from him unless he absolutely had to. So he lets it go, albeit reluctantly, to ponder another time.]

Technically, I guess. [Sorey draws up a knee to rest his elbow on, sighing. Lailah had essentially told him there was nothing to forgive, which had frustrated him to no end but there wasn't much he could do about that.] Why?

I thought as much. [Mikleo scrutinizes him for a moment, just a series of heartbeats, really, and then-] Do you think that you'll be able to forgive yourself?

[There's a point to this, honest, and he knows it might be cryptic but he's watching Sorey intently, searching for an answer.]

Edited (goddamn u get a thesaurus) 2017-03-09 07:08 (UTC)

[Sorey meets Mikleo's eyes, manages to hold the stare for a few seconds before he has to look away.

I don't know crosses his mind, but it's not how he truly feels. He curls up, lowering his forehead to rest on his knee as he wraps his arms around his leg.

He can't look Mikleo on the face and tell him 'I don't know.' He can't sit here with the ache of Lailah's muted flame in his soul and say 'I don't know.' He can't think of the way his voice still trembles violently around the first syllable of Filk Zadeya, can't remember the way Eithan's face crunched under his fist or the way Allen had screamed as he burned and say 'I don't know.'

He can't recall a little boy humming as he weaves flowers into a crown, the whisper of you'll be okay above his head, and lie.]

...no.

[Mikleo wishes he could be surprised by that answer. He wishes he could get outraged by it, argue Sorey's merits, how far he's come, how hard he's tried to make amends, how he deserves to be forgiven. How one mistake, no matter how terrible, doesn't have to be treated like a crime with no reconciliation.

That isn't the point of his asking it, though. He's not trying to change Sorey's mind for him. The question was itself a test, a determination of whether or not he's making the right decision here.

Sorey's answer tells him that he's correct: he's not ready. Not yet.

So instead of getting angry, Mikleo sighs through his nose and moves back to the wall beside Sorey again, tilting until his head rests comfortably on the Shepherd's shoulder.]

When you change your mind, then ask me again.

[It's not a matter of 'if', even if Sorey won't believe it. Mikleo will believe it in his stead. Any wrong can be forgivable so long as the regret is genuine. That's what the seraphim of the past, those who love humans now, must have felt.

It's how he feels, now.]

[When you change your mind, he says, like it's already a foregone conclusion. Sorey doesn't know how to explain to Mikleo that it's not a matter of when, or a matter of just letting things sit until he's more comfortable with the reality of what he'd done; to forgive himself for what happened is to go against his own beliefs. He can't forgive Heldalf for all the venomization crucibles he'd scattered across the continent. He can't forgive the Hyland nobility for what they consistently keep doing to Alisha. It's not simply a matter of swallowing down a pill too bitter to stand.]

...I trust you with what you choose to share with me, [Sorey tells him instead, because he does,] but you'll be waiting a very, very long time, Mikleo.

...That's fine.

[He says it as if that, too, was a foregone conclusion- as if he'd expected such an answer from Sorey. It makes sense; if he can't imagine ever forgiving himself, an attached condition isn't going to suddenly change his mind. It isn't going to change Mikleo's mind, either. Forgiving one's own crime is an important part of recovering. He strongly believes that. Forgetting the lesson you learn from it... that would be intolerable.]

It's lucky for you that I'll be around for a very, very long time.

[Mikleo's quiet confidence in that makes Sorey's eyes sting, because he's right. He's right. Approaching that fear of losing Mikleo too feels too tall an order after losing Lailah so Sorey veers away, allows himself to dwell in the gratitude that he still has Mikleo, still has Dezel, still has Zaveid.

He does turn to wrap Mikleo up in a hug, though. He can't let something like that go with nothing.]

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