driftfleet | February Windrose mingle

I know I'm not a monster.

[ but the way he stiffens at ask out cute boys reveals just how right she is. he's not comfortable with himself, not even close. ]

How do you feel? [Hoping for a real answer here. Not another brush off.]

Honestly? Annoyed.

[ he doesn't want to deal with this. the only thing keeping him still in bed is that fact that he knows kitty will overreact if he got up and left. he doesn't want to hurt her, but he doesn't want to be here right now, either. ]

[Softly.] Winn. [She rests her head against his chest, feeling a little defeated, but also just worried for him that he'd rather push her away than talk about this part of him. How much is he hurting?]

[ she was envious of jim, well, this is what jim deals with. ]

What, what do you want from me, Kitty? [ frustration and annoyance are defense mechanisms he's tried to keep from using with her, but when she pokes at his open wounds they automatically deploy. ]

I want you to feel safe with me. I know this is hard for you. I wouldn't care so much if I didn't know that. And I want to do right by you which is more of a me thing than a you thing. [But this isn't something she's ever had to deal with directly and so as much as she can relate it to her mutation it's not exactly the same and these waters are uncharted and she doesn't want to make things worse. He's too important.]

I used to.

[ now it feels like he's under attack, like he has to deal with it or it will keep being thrown in his face. and even if it won't, he'll always be wondering if she's thinking about it, if she's disappointed in him, if she thinks he's pathetic for now owning up to it.

all he wanted to do was make her feel safe and loved while she was glitched. why did it have to turn into anything more? ]

[Never jealous of Kirk again. That hurt. That hurt a lot. She shifts to look in his eyes even though the response makes her want to hide away instead.] There is no one more important to me than you. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. [Oh, god she's going to cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't make this about you, Pryde.] What do you need from me?

[ pushing him should only be attempted by people who know not to take defensive reflexes to heart. he looks back at her and he wants to tell her to leave him the hell alone with it, that it's none of her business, that as long as he's not cheating on her - which he would never do - she has no right to dig into this.

but he sees the look on her face and it's like everything freezes. ]

Don't look at me like that - [ his voice turns small, pleading ] I can't do this right now, Kitty, I can't. [ he can't be there for her when he's feeling like this, and it fills him with guilt and yeah, there's that self loathing. if this keeps up, he might even get to feeling like a monster. the fun never ends. ]

[She just nods and buries her face against him so he can't see. He shouldn't have to see. He should be able to lash out a little without her feeling it so deeply. She'd just yell at Kurt or be stern with someone else and their words would roll off, but this is Winn. The stakes are high and she's so vulnerable with him. She takes what he says to heart whether he's being thoughtful or hurtful.]

I love you. I'm here for you, but we don't have to talk about it.

["I can't do this" is exactly what Reid said to her when he broke things off. They are the words she most dreads hearing from anyone she loves and yet in this moment she doesn't panic. She's not feeling great, but she does trust Winn. She believes this is just a bad moment and things will be good soon. But it really hurts right now to feel like he really might not feel safe with her. That she fucked this up. That she took a hard situation and made it harder on him when she was trying to help.]

[ she leans into him so he won't see her expression, but the gesture has the added bonus of giving him some much needed physical support. he wants to storm off and cool off, but he also wants to feel close and loved and comforted and in a way this is almost giving him both.

he wraps his arms tightly around her, and rests his head against the top of hers. ]

I love you too.

[ that's all he has in him right at this moment, and he hopes it's enough because he's going to hate himself for this enough when he calms down. ]

[It's enough. It's what she needed to hear and feel. Maybe they can talk out some of their communication things once they're calm. She doesn't think she'll try bringing up the other part anytime soon though sometimes she surprises herself. As she relaxes she'll forgive herself bit by bit for how she handled it.

For right now she just keeps holding and loving.]

[ he couldn't tell her how much time passes that way if his life depended on it - his guess would vary through anything from minutes to all day. he feels calmer, but not calm enough to drift off to sleep, despite feeling quite tired, drained.

he kisses the top of her head, a sort of quiet question - he doesn't think she's asleep, but right now he doesn't trust anything his mind is telling him. ]

[She responds with a gentle nuzzle.]

Hey.

Hi.

[ his voice is weak and a little rough, almost like he's been crying except they both know he wasn't. ]

[She shifts so she can be holding on to him but also looking into his eyes.]

You know—flaws and all—it's all from a place of love, right?

I know. [ quietly. he feels a sense of defeat, he hates disappointing her. ] I know you want to help me with everything, but I'm not ready, I can't, not this. I'm sorry.

[She leans in to kiss his cheek and then meets his eyes.] You absolutely don't have to be sorry about that. [She's not disappointed. Worried, yeah, but not disappointed.] Just know that I love every part of you and if you ever want to talk about it I'm here. You're pre-accepted for whatever you feel and whenever it's something you want to deal with.

[ even if it's never? he wants to ask, but he already feels pathetic for struggling this badly with it. especially with kara's news of alex - she probably just helped her sister through this, jim's been through this himself, kitty wants to be there for him - he's got all the support a person could possibly hope for. so why is he resisting so hard?

he doesn't get it himself. all he knows is that when he thinks about talking about it he feels like he's about to have a panic attack.

he nods quietly. ]

[It would be nice if he did say it. Just feeling like the lines of communication are open feels better than getting a nod. It feels like he's still holding things in and it's not like he can't have his secrets or that he has to share every single thought, but she worries that it's something about what she needs to be doing for him or something that's hurting him. She does her best not to imagine the worst. But there is one thing she needs to know so she doesn't let it fester.]

Winn? Do you really not feel safe with me?

Edited 2017-02-10 17:42 (UTC)

[ it's a hard question, especially because he knows every millisecond he lingers on answering is one she's probably freaking out about it in, so he speaks first, ]

No. [ and thinks second. it's not that simple. does he feel safe in the knowledge she loves him? absolutely. does he feel safe in the way that he doesn't think she'll ever choose to hurt him? of course.

but when things like this come up, when she wants him to talk here, now, on her terms, or risk seeing that look in her eyes...no, he doesn't feel safe. he doesn't feel safe screwing up, because it'll be held against him forever. ] I just hate letting you down. [ and he doesn't want her to tell him months from now that she didn't talk to him about something that was bothering her about him because when she tried it this time he reacted badly. ]

[She hugs him tightly.] You have never let me down.

[If she was being very honest, she feels the exact same way about him and safety. They could use more practice being able to argue and recover. Feeling the strength of their connection. Not that anyone wants to fight more than they have to of course and the goal would be to work it out without the fight. But they are people with emotions in a pretty intense setting, so sometimes it's going to happen. And every time they do it does feel like it gets better instead of worse. At least to her. In the beginning hearing him say he can't do this would have felt devastating which has everything to do with Reid and not him. And this time she felt it but it didn't destroy her. She didn't panic. She didn't beg him to forgive her. She felt a sting and she moved past it because it wasn't meant like that. He's not Reid. He's Winn and he loves her.]

[ he returns the hug, but thinks of all the times it felt like that's exactly what he's done. ]

I wish I were the man you want me to be. But I'm just me.

[ he's got issues, communication being chief among them. she knows it's hard for him, they've spoken about it repeatedly. he feels like it's gotten better, much better even. but considering where he started, much better might not even be average for a normal person. ]

[She has to look at him for this.] You are the man I want you to be. Not feeling totally comfortable with yourself doesn't change that. No one is perfect. We're always changing little by little. You're the man who loves me. Who always does his best to protect my heart. Who is generous and kind and tries even when he's scared.

Everyone is a work in progress. When I want to work on communication which is already better than it was or help you through this it's not because there's something wrong or lacking. You can improve great things. Like...putting buffalo sauce on a pizza.

And I want to be better for you too.

[ she already feels like she's too good for him, but that's another thing he's not going to say, because he knows she'll tell him she isn't, she'll tell him if anyone is, it's him, and he doesn't want that. he doesn't feel like he deserves to be praised here.

he bites his lip, trying to decide what to say instead. a question that's been bugging him tugs at his sleeve, hoping it's finally its turn in the limelight. ]

Did anyone see you win that?

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