driftfleet | Just Keeping Swimming

[Mikleo falls silent again, inwardly debating with an uncharacteristic lack of certainty, backed into a corner of Sorey's soul. It isn't Sorey's fault, he's only trying to help, he knows that, and he knows he's being irrational, too. He's been irrational this whole time. Water hadn't tasted like blood when he'd tried it.

But. But. Even so.]

...I don't... I don't know what'll happen, [is, at last, his reply. Still cautious, still quiet, and that fear lingers helplessly.] I don't know how I'll react.

[He could freak out, he could retreat entirely, he could force them apart and flee like a coward and wouldn't this whole amazing experience be ruined?

On the other hand... he could be fine, of course. But the cynical, frightened part of him finds that harder to swallow.]

You won't know unless we try, [Sorey points out gently, swimming a little further from the stalls for some privacy. He curls them up in the water, holding their arms and hugging himself protectively.] But we don't have to try.

[Mikleo might've been pushy when trying to convince Sorey to armatize with him before, but he hadn't even come close to forcing it. Sorey, while likewise hardheaded, isn't as combative as Mikleo is and prefers quiet stubbornness or steadfastness to pressing onward. Mikleo's always been the spear of their little sword-and-shield tag team, at least when it comes to confronting difficult issues.] I'll be here with you the whole time. Unless...that's part of the problem.

[Mikleo puzzles over that, as if the answer should be obvious and yet it isn't. He takes quiet comfort in the shared hug, allowing it to coax him a bit out of his metaphorical corner, still perpetually tentative.]

Why would... your being here be the problem?

[Is he blaming himself again, because of the hellionization? What Mikleo did as a dragon isn't his fault.]

[Mikleo's confusion is actually comfort. It's just like Allen and Clay said; Mikleo's not wary or concerned because of Sorey, but for him, as always. There was a time when Sorey didn't doubt that, but after everything...well, regardless, he'd like to one day get there again.]

Nevermind, [Sorey says, smiling to himself. He rubs their arms comfortingly.] It just makes me sad to see you afraid of something you used to enjoy so much. I want to do everything I can to help you.

[Mikleo isn't sure if "nevermind" is the right answer here, but feeling it out gives him the impression that Sorey is unexpectedly satisfied by it, so he leaves it alone for now. While it would be easier to ignore his own issues if he could poke more at Sorey's, evidently he's out of escape routes.

Whether he likes it or not, it's time.]

...I... I want to, I guess. No, I do. It's just...

[The thought comes unbidden, no matter how he tries to shove it back: of waking alone, weak and trembling, the taste of blood on his tongue and the sound of bones splintering and crunching in his ears, razor-sharp fangs burying into fresh meat. Of remembering, remembering so much in bursts and flashes every time he looks at food, every time he hears the sound of chewing, every time the smell of something fresh-cooked reaches his awareness.

He'd been afraid of this, what the armatus might force him to share. Memories of the wild animal he'd become, thoughts of violence and carnage and more, more, the way he'd eat and eat and never be filled. Whole fields aflame, animals screaming as they burned, and the missing pieces that he can't remember means he can't in good conscience say that he never killed or ate a person whether the hellion Shepherd ordered it or not.

Allen had told him not to try and remember, but sometimes not knowing is the worst of it all.

A tremor passes through their shared body, and when he tries once again to speak, his voice is even more tentative.]

I'm... scared... of what it'll taste like. I'm scared of feeling hungry again.

[Wouldn't it be better to abstain than risk that sort of craving again? To risk feeling... all of that? It isn't as if he needs food to live. He doesn't need it to be happy either, surely.]

[Sorey can't exactly see Mikleo's memories; even melded together like this, they're their own separate beings, but he can feel how they react to Mikleo remembering. Their heart pounds, their hands start to shake as they hug themselves, as Mikleo curls them in on themselves as if to protect himself from the past.

Sorey tastes the fear just as clearly as his own and he knows it so well his heart aches. It wasn't the same as Mikleo's, not at all, but he'd felt similar before, too; the thought that Mikleo was going through it at the same time, with even less of his mind to help hold himself back...it's sickening.]

I know, [Sorey murmurs. It's what keeps him from indulging in everyone's company as much as he can. With Mikleo, it's assumed they'll always be together, and perhaps being practically attached at the hip has helped save him somewhat from his fear of clinging too tightly, but...he should try to stop relying on Mikleo so much for that comfort. It's not fair to either of them.] It feels too big to hold in your body. Like if- like if you give it a foothold, it'll tear you apart from the inside, until that's all that's left of you.

...Yeah.

[He hates that his own memories are tugging at Sorey's, that this is a feeling they both share, but he can't help the relief he feels at the same time, to have someone truly understand. It's different in subtle ways, but similar enough to scratch that unhappy itch. They already share so much of themselves, of their lives, their dreams, their joys. Pain and heartache is a part of that more than ever now, and cautiously he reaches out to embrace it, allowing it to pull them closer together rather than to drag them apart.

Sorey knows because he's been there; Sorey knows because they were in that place together, strangled and aching, miserably free.

He loosens their grip gradually, hands shifting so he can look at them. They're not his hands, but he knows them by sight as if they were, can feel every muscle, the stretch of the skin as their fingers flex, the wrinkled bumps caused by their being underwater for so long. It's reassuring to see them, drawing him out of that dark corner. No claws, no scales. The feathers woven into their hair tickles at their neck and he breathes with Sorey, in and out, moving one hand to press over their chest. In, out. Bump-bump-bump.

It's okay. They're okay.]

I don't like... feeling this way. But I don't know how to- how to not. If that even makes any sense...

[Sorey easily gives way to allow Mikleo full control over their body, flexing their fingers, feeling the gentle thump of their heart. It's this kind of intimacy that made it hard for him before to resist using armatization to be close to his friends; giving them freedom over his body was the only way he knew to repay them for the secrets of their true names, even if he couldn't use them outside of armatization anyway. and by sharing their senses, it feels like the one time sorey can be sure that he's seeing the same things they are, feeling and hearing them.

the water thrums around mikleo, alive, gentle and strong and steady and temperamental. it's so much like mikleo, and yet not nearly close enough. mikleo is more, his own person beyond his element, as if water is merely his base. armatization always makes sorey contemplate this; how different humans and seraphim really actually are.

but there's nothing wrong with that, is there?

and like this, though it highlights their differences, it also reminds sorey of how alike they actually are. especially with this, even though it's not something sorey likes to think about; humans aren't the only beings that struggle with their feelings, with their needs and wants.]

It makes sense to me.

[sorey not wanting to feel trapped, guilty, responsible beyond his ability to cope and not knowing how to stop is what started all of this to begin with. and his heart aches, to think that mikleo might be feeling similarly right now.]

I think the only way we'll figure out how is to change our approach. Talking about it frankly like this is a good first step, so we can just do that for a while if you'd like. [And Sorey will try not to be so worried for Mikleo's wellbeing that he coddles him and lets him sink back into silence.]

[With some reluctance, Mikleo hums his agreement, though for a long moment he's not sure how to respond. Talking about it is something he's avoided for so long, for this very reason- it's uncomfortable, an awkward, unpleasant subject. Maybe his problem is that he's giving these memories too much attention. Is that even possible? To try so hard to quell his own thoughts that he's making them come back twice as strong?

What a stupid question... of course it's possible. The evidence has been in his own head the whole time. The more he avoids food, the more it surrounds him; the more he tries to evade upsetting others or himself, the more uncomfortable it makes everyone involved.]

I thought it would be easier, since I don't have to eat, if I just... didn't. Like, maybe if I waited long enough, it would stop being a problem. "Time heals all wounds", or something like that. I wasn't thinking how much harder it would be for everyone.

[The kind gifts from everyone who knew he liked sweets, the offers for comfort food during his recovery- Belthazar's cookies, Stefan's drinks, Dezel's soup, Lailah's meals. He'd passed them all off to Sorey so they wouldn't go to waste, but they'd been meant for him, too. And he'd had to abandon the company of Allen and Clay that day he and Sorey had stumbled upon them, all because he couldn't handle the discomfort; he'd avoided the kitchen as much as possible, only making a handful of simple, easy sweets for the crew and leaving them without sampling any. And now this- Sorey, having to interrupt their exploration and his own unsated curiosity just to coddle him and make sure he's okay.

He hates it. He hates holding people back like this, disappointing them. Sorey's right- what he's doing... it isn't working.

He leans their body back, eyes closing, and they free float there for a long moment while he thinks.]

...hey... what do you like so much about ice cream? Why's it your favourite?

[While Sorey doesn't really want Mikleo to confront this for his or anybody else's sake, if that's what it takes for him to consider facing it head on, then so be it. Mikleo's always been surprisingly selfless like that, even if a part of it is not wanting to be a burden.

As Mikleo moves their body Sorey rests quietly within it, surrendering control as if he's been doing it his whole life. It's always been easier with Mikleo.] What I like about it? ...I mean, a big part was that you always made it especially for me. [Even in the chill of the water, Sorey can feel their cheeks heating up. Come to think of it, he was awfully shameless with that. Mikleo would make him ice cream when he hadn't eaten, when he had a sore throat, when he was sad, but sometimes Sorey demanded it because he loved having Mikleo's attention. It tastes great and Sorey's a fan of ice cream anyway, but Mikleo's is special.]

[what the fUCK SOREY]

...Geez... I was thinking like- the taste, or the texture, or...

[Is it possible to blush in someone else's body? Is the blush crossing their cheeks Sorey's, or his, or both? It's probably both. Definitely both. Ugh, ugh, that's sickeningly sweet.

He's thrilled.]

[Feeling Mikleo's embarrassment is almost as good as hearing Mikleo's reaction. It kind of doubles down Sorey's giddiness until he's hugging their arms again, spinning lazily in the water.] I like the taste too! It's really good Mikleo, it's just. Y'know, isn't it special when someone you care about makes you anything?

[That statement conjures up the mental image of numerous platters of black messes over the years, failed cooking attempts, and Sorey's dismay of how did this happen? But the sentiment is genuinely sweet, and food disasters isn't the only thing he remembers. There's been plenty of other instances where Sorey's offered him up a skewer of freshly barbecued prickleboar, proud to have gotten it right, or when he delivered a full set of skillfully sewn belts for his outfits, since Mikleo's never been fond of leather-working. There'd been something extra meaningful about receiving them from Sorey instead of just having them brought in from the outside world.

Yeah, he gets it.]

...you're making this harder, you know. You're supposed to convince me why I should bother trying.

[He's not annoyed, though - his tone is all playful exasperation. At the very least, this is helping him to relax.]

[Which is honestly the most important thing. It's not as if Sorey needs Mikleo to eat, or even wants him to; just as he suspects Mikleo wants him back to his former self, that's what Sorey wants for him. They'll never quite make it back, but this here is close enough that Sorey might be able to live with that.

As long as Mikleo is happy.]

Is that a barb against my baking skills, Mikleo? [Or his lack thereof.] You know, I bet if I tried with you watching everything I do, I could absolutely get it right! Remember that one time I made those cookies and they were only a little bit burnt?

Hah... of course I remember that. Once we added some frosting I could barely taste the burns. I don't think I'd seen you that proud since the first time you got a sentence right in the ancient tongue.

[So much of their lives can be measured in contests and challenges, overcoming problems both personal and world-changing. It isn't as if this is any different, and just like always, they're working through it together.

He's... considering it. Maybe it won't be so bad.]

Of course I was proud! That was even more momentous than when I got my first sentence right. [Considering how much longer he had to work on his baking skills than he did his mastery of ancient grammar.] You even ate the whole thing. That's a big accomplishment.

Edited 2017-05-10 05:00 (UTC)

I did. Didn't even have to fake it.

[Not that he does that, generally. He's never been shy about telling Sorey his food is rubbish when it is. How will anyone improve if you coddle them?]

You know, if you focused more you might actually improve.

I focus! ...there's just a bunch of waiting around, sometimes. [He reads while it bakes, which is Not Wise]

Which is when you get distracted, therefore losing focus.

[punk don't try to dodge this, he knows exactly how you function.]

[Grumbles and uncurls their body a little further, letting them drift through the ocean as if cradled in a hammock. Mikleo's not wrong, but it's not as if Sorey does it on purpose. Besides, Mikleo knows how to bake just fine! And Sorey can make like, roasted boar and stuff, he doesn't have to know how to make sweets.] I'd rather just eat your cooking than struggle through it myself, honestly.

I see... so this conversation has an ulterior motive after all.

[His tone is playful enough to not sound accusatory, and after a pause just long enough to let that sink in but not long enough for Sorey to protest, he adds, more quietly,]

Okay. Go try some.

[Sorey is nothing if not honest. Though he's surprised by Mikleo giving in, especially with his apprehension still thrumming tightly through them both.] We don't have to. I wasn't trying to change your mind or anything.

I know. That's why I'm okay with it.

[If Sorey had tried to force him, he'd have resisted far more vehemently. The fact that he'd been so gentle about dismantling the issue made it less frightening, over time.]

Edited 2017-05-18 02:38 (UTC)

...okay. [Sorey isn't scared for him so much as he is wary to push him on this, but what Mikleo needs right now isn't his protectiveness but his support. So without further debate, he steers them back into town, back over to that confused stall owner.

He takes their purchase back away from prying eyes just in case, curling up near a reef and clutching the clamshell box to his chest before opening it- and his stomach gurgles. Okay yeah, he's kind of hungry anyway. Maybe that'll be helpful.] You ready?

[There's a long moment's pause, as Mikleo stares down at the contents within the box through Sorey's eyes. He can feel that hunger passing through them, urging him forward, and it helps a bit, too. It shouldn't be such a huge step, but after so long...

It's hard. It's still really hard. But Sorey's right here with him, so... no more hiding.]

Ready.

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monolike - 2017-05-25 22:58 (UTC) - Expand

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nerdeology - 2017-05-27 08:36 (UTC) - Expand

Just Keeping Swimming | March Planet Mingle

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