driftfleet | video

Who: Jaime Lannister
Broadcast: video, fleetwide
Action: onboard the Iskaulit
When: after boozing it up with Theon

[The feed begins with a jumpy view of the floor, then the ceiling, then maybe a wall, part of a face, a toilet, and finally, ah yes, there we go, the handsome, grinning face of Jaime Lannister. Broadcasting from the men's room.]

Good evening, Everyone.

[It's such a warm greeting, accompanied by such a genuine smile, that really, anyone who knows him at all should be suspicious.]

I want to show you something.

[Don't panic. It's not what you think. After another dizzying whirl of fixtures, the camera finally focuses on the wall, where a message has been written:

Jaime Lannister sleeps with his sister

and immediately below that, smaller and in a different hand:

and he shits gold]

You see, someone's written a story about me.

[The camera pans back to his face. Sort of. He's not doing a great job of framing his shot.]

And I want you all to know... that it's absolutely true.

[There's another flash of scenery... a loud clatter... a muffled curse... a good, long look at the ceiling... and finally, darkness.

He was going to say more, but fuck it. He's got to piss.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[H u u u u u u u h.]

Is this what I looked like when I was piss-ass drunk? No wonder Father was angry all the time ...

No. You looked a lot shorter.

Well then I looked shorter and more intelligent.

Also, less of a lying incestuous bastard maker, so there you have it.

[Robb snickers.]

Every one in Westeros knows it is your father who shits gold, Kingslayer. I am afraid all you shit is well...shit.

Actually, he doesn't shit gold either. That's not the part I was talking about.

What a disappointment must that have been.

I wonder how long your sister can carry on her mummers farce. She must run out of arses to kiss eventually, don't you think?

So, you're Jaime Lannister. [Since they hadn't made it to introductions when they met on ring world. She was well aware the man was here, having heard things from Tyrion.]

Charming.

[ He points a finger at the camera as he recalls where he's seen her before. ]

Flower Girl. [ If he ever got her name, he can't quite remember it. ]

Good to see you again.

Kitty.

I guess congratulations are in order for your riches. [Watching him curiously.]

[Ignis isn't one for messy displays of...well, anything. It takes a lot to push him and even then he's too well controlled by duty and self-worth to do something so crass.

And pointless. Utterly pointless.]

It is physically impossible for the second item to be true, sir.

[ Jaime has to think carefully to recall what the second item was, and for a moment he looks perplexed.]

Oh, right. The shitting thing. [Of course.]

Well, that's not the part I was talking about.

[It's a little disgraceful to see someone else so drunk. It does make Ignis glad that he and the others don't really drink that much. It dulls the senses and none of them can afford that.

What would drive a man to such behavior is beyond his keen.]

I did assume that that part wasn't the main issue, but I am curious as to what would make someone come and admit to everyone that they're sleeping with their relative? Is it desperation for attention?

[ Yuri claps. ]

Congratulations.

Thank you.

[He smiles affably. He's not quite sure what she's congratulating him for, but it's still nice.]

You should share the wealth when you can.

So I've heard. And I have, from time to time...

[Paying people is not the same thing as sharing, Jaime. But okay.]

No doubt that makes you a generous person.

[ His tone is even. After all, Yuri doesn't know if he is or isn't. ]

[ Lunafreya can do nothing but stare for a moment, before frowning when the feed shifts to the ceiling. That's worrisome. ]

...Are you alright, sir?

Oh, I'm fine. And you?

[Totally missing that there might be a reason she asked. Nope, no cause for concern here.]

Are... are you certain?

[ He definitely doesn't look alright. And that sure is a bathroom he's in. She has a terrible feeling that he's going to be a little more than hung over later, poor man.

Oh, Jaime. Forget how she is. He's the one who looks like he's seen better, far less drunken days. ]

Perhaps once you have finished using the rest room, you should find somewhere to sleep. I think it would do you wonders.

[ Please don't pass out in the bathroom, sir. ]

Sleeping with your sister? Oh, how disgusting. How could someone write such filth about you? It beggars beyond belief.

I wouldn't call it "filth." That's a little harsh...

[ She would almost feel a little sorry for him. Almost. He's bound to have so many regrets when he sobers up. But she thinks perhaps a good helping of regret would be good for him, since he never seems to feel it. Against her better judgment, she finds herself replying. ]

Cersei is not likely to thank you for your honesty. Or is the secret you crippled my son for no longer worth keeping?

Cersei's not likely to thank me for much of anything, if we're being honest.

[He shrugs, striving for his usual air of nonchalance, but that second bit throws him.]

I'm really sorry about that.

[It wasn't a shock to hear him admit to sleeping with his sister. There had been rumors, particularly around Robb's camp. Though it seemed more twisted than the stories about the Targaryens. Any lingering admiration she might have had dwindled away. It was impossible to look at him the same now.]

It would be easier to believe that your father has as much wealth as is claimed, but only if you are not from the Westerlands. I know how the mines have run dry.

Good for you. [He'd pat her on the head if he could reach.]

It's good to know things. [And yes, he's being a condescending asshat. Sorry, Jeyne.]

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