driftfleet | [open] august starstruck mingle

[It isn't the first time Natasha has seen Steve since he woke up. He'd done his duty by her and checked in—checked up on her. But then it's radio silence a few days. That's on Natasha too. She's not entirely sure how to help Steve with what he's dealing with, and it's awkward when she's had more time to process (or dwell on) injuries that are still fresh for her.

But she figures this time it's her turn to reach out. So she does, as she usually does, without much warning. Instead of loitering in the kitchen this time, she seeks him out.

And when she finds him, it's trying his hand at arts and crafts, apparently. Which is to say nothing of the beard.

Except she'll absolutely say something about the beard:]

Getting a little farmers market there, aren't you?

Very funny.

[ oh so dry. he gives her a look, however and shifts on the floor. she can sit next to him, if she'd like, while he alters his uniform. he's removing a star at the moment, another symbol of something steve is sure he's not. ]

Are you sure you don't want to go with lumberjack? Sam said lumberjack.

[ look he'd rather discuss the beard than anything else. ]

[Don't think she won't sit down next to him, either. She settles herself easily on the floor, knees tucked up near her chest.]

I don't think you've hit full lumberjack yet. This is still looking pretty good. Lumberjacks aren't looking good.

[This is the important distinction, clearly. Her eyes settle on his project there, but she doesn't ask about it yet.]

Farmers market beards don't scare people off.

Oh yeah you know many Lumberjacks?

[ it's an easy conversation to have. this back and forth he and natasha do, their banter that disguises the deep friendship they share. steve knows her, however. before he knows it she'll make it meaningful. Natasha's pretty good at figuring him out after all this time.

he'd like to think it's mutual. still, hard to know with romanoff. ]

Thank you. I think.

Willing to bet I know just as many as Sam does.

[She elbows him just gently in the ribs, the sort thing they can pretend is just messing around, and not a silent question or an offer of comfort.]

So you're working on a new look? [She glances down at his sewing work.] I think I could get used to that.

Just fixing it up a bit

[ the stealth suit. The uniform . He might need it, he understands that but he also knows he can't wear it as it is. The colors, the stripes and the stars, they all have to go.

With a knife and scissors, he works on removing the white star at the center of the upper part. He doesn't look at her. ]

The shield will go to Sam.

You don't have to do that. No one here will make you.

[Not that she believes for a moment that she'll change his mind. Natasha knows Steve better than that. She still has to say it, if only to go on the record that if he's doing this, it's for himself.

The symbolism doesn't matter to anyone else.]

Are you sure Sam will take it?

You know I do. I've been keeping it for too long. I've been holding on to all of it for too long. Tony was right. I'm not the person his father gave this to, not anymore. Maybe I haven't been since the ice.

[ funnily, he once said something similar to Tony. Parts of who he was stay behind, maybe none of them realized just how much. ]

Sam deserves it. I believe in him. I want to believe he will.

I don't know the man you were when you went in the ice, Steve. But I know the man who came out, probably as well as anyone.

[As much a testament to how much he keeps people at arm's length as anything else, probably, but they're close.]

And I can't say I've ever felt like I was missing out. Maybe you're not the same, but you deserved that shield. If you can't carry it now, I can understand that, but don't for a moment try to convince me that the man I know hasn't been worthy of it.

More than most.

[ be corrects her. There are things he doesn't share, things he never talks about but natasha has gotten closer to them than most people. ]

You asked me once what I'd like to be. I said your friend. That was a good call. Before the ice I knew who I was and where I was going. After the ice I thought I could jump in, simply be what the world needed. I couldn't do that, not really. I need to figure out how I can.

I'm lucky that way.

[She nudges him again with her elbow, now looking up at him, trying to catch his eyes if he'll let her.]

Like I said, I understand if you need some time, just don't sell the man you are now short. Turns out, I kind of like the idiot. And I don't have a lot of friends, so I have to be protective of the ones I do have.

[She watches him for a long beat before she continues.]

Maybe the problem isn't that you can't figure out how to be who the world needs now. It's that no one person can be. I don't think Ask yourself who you need to be for the world, not who the world needs you to be.

I think I'll have to find out who I'm capable of being. I don't think it's this anymore.

[ he looks at the star he cut out and places it aside. ]

Tony didn't want his father's shield with me I like to think he could stomach it being with Sam.

Tony was hurt, and very rightly so. A lot of people failed him. Myself included.

[Natasha had known just as much as Steve that Barnes had probably killed Tony's parents, and she hadn't told him either. Hadn't thought it was her place, and that no good could come from unburying corpses like that.]

Grieving people aren't always at their best, Steve. And he has a right to feel betrayed, and to want his feelings validated. Believe it or not, he was trying as hard as he could, in his own particular Tony way, to protect you through everything.

[There had been so many mistakes. Natasha can see that clearly now in retrospect.]

But I don't think it's fair to him to make his words in that moment your definitive vision of him. Might be things would have gone very differently if the circumstances had been different.

It's not just Stark. It's that what he said made sense to me. I've been feeling this for a while. Maybe I didn't want to think about it too much.

] he places a hand on hers, quiet and firm through it all. ]

I know who went in the ice, I'm not sure who came out. For a while, I thought I could be just Cap but that's - it doesn't work. I don't know if I deserve the shield or not but I do know I can't carry it while I figure it out.

You might consider that you weren't in the best place just then either.

[She sighs, squeezing his hand, then submitting to the fact this is going to happen and pulling him down for a hug.]

Well, whoever you figure out you are... try to be kind to him?

[Natasha knows better than just about anyone how hard what she's asking is, but she means it.]

Nat, I'm not sure I remember what a 'best place' looks like.

[ maybe like coney island during a late afternoon, hot dog in one hand soda in another, with bucky. a lifetime ago. they'd stay at the beach until nighttime, watching the lights. ]

It's been a few years.

[ his tone is dry until she tugs him closer. steve leans into it for a moment, tucks his chin against her shoulder. ]

I promise I'll try my best.

[ and, just to try and make her smile - ]

are you here to check up on me or steal our coffee again?

[Natasha considers letting him get away with it. She's willing to believe it's true, that he's been struggling since he came out of the ice. But she doesn't want him to miss her point, or to let him talk himself out of listening to her.

She pats his shoulder.]

I won't say it hadn't been a while, but even then you weren't usually watching the Avengers fall apart just after one of the only two people who you knew before going in the ice's funeral, and the government started going after the other one.

[Look, just hear her out that both you and Tony might have been more than a little emotionally compromised at the time.

She lets him go then and lets him change the subject with his joke, smiling just a little.]

And if wanted to drink your coffee, I'd be drinking it. I know where the kitchen is.

--- are you implying we've all been having a few bad days?

[ he's smiling, however. it does seem that since his return to the world, they've gotten very few breaks from dangers and perils. ]

What have you been stocking up on? seems like you can buy just about anything on this planet.

Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just saying you don't have to go all in on something based on that.

But I'm not saying don't make adjustments, or take some more time if you need it.

[She'd never say that.]

As for stocking up... there's plenty of food. Plenty of weapons.

[She does not mention she's been looking for a throw rug for Barnes's floor. For various reasons, but she will say:] Maybe a few things to make hanging around on spaceships more comfortable.

That's a good idea. We could use a few more things for the room now that it got bigger.

[ maybe a footstool or a quilt or some nice pillows. ]

and we could always use more food.

[ mostly it's his fault :| ]

[Almost all of it is his fault, let's be real.]

Pick it up while you can. The city has just about everything you can ask for.

[She's smiling a little then, though.]

So how's that going for you? The bigger room.

[ that's a metaphorical question, isn't it? ]

It's going very well.

[ ahem. ]

it was a good decision.

[Is it? It could be.]

Good. That's what I want to hear. We could use a win.

[open] august starstruck mingle

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