》 ＶＩＤＥＯ

[uprightness]

Who: steve rogers & open
Broadcast: yes, for a change.
Action: aboard the starstruck, if you're so inclined.
When: current.

[ it seems to be a once-in-a-six-months-thing, Steve Rogers addressing the network like this. it's always when there's something official to say, business to attend to.

he doesn't seem too good at communicating anything else through these. at least he did away with the uniform. this post sees him in a simple black t-shirt and jeans.

and not all too cheerful, big surprise. ]

If you have any official business or need anything from the Starstruck, take it up with me for the time being. I know most of us stocked on things at the planet but if there's anything that you need, just send a word over, we'll see what we can do.

[ that's it for this subject. no, he doesn't want to explain why he's stepping up to the active role of a ship captain, thank you very much.

in fact, he almost looks awkward in light of the next matter: ]

I don't suppose anyone has any spare bags of sand? I could use a bit.

[ he doesn't explain that odd request, either. ]

Comments

[uprightness]

That's it?

[ he leans back in his chair, arches an eyebrow. it's not that there isn't any potential of tension here, it's mostly that, ]

I can't think of a single person she wouldn't have said that to, you know. I wouldn't take that personally. That's what bothers you?

[outstandingbalance]

I don't. I'm just... [She pauses shaking her head.] Maybe I'm trying to respect that.

[uprightness]

You know, Atroma planted so many memories I had with her in that place.

[ the museum, the dance hall. ]

There are people out there who think they know how we met or how we lived or -

[ how they parted, but he doesn't say that. he never addresses peg's death unless he must. ]

And I thought, that has to be the worst thing they've ever done, using all of that against me. It's not the first time that happened for her. I couldn't bear it but she - you know. she's been dealing with this for a while in a way I never had to.

[ he thinks about the smithsonian. about the interview in 1951, about someone daring to ask peggy about his last words, about their parting. ]

Calibrations couldn't have helped, me being out, too. It's easy to feel cornered. I know you never meant to hit a nerve but - I think you should talk to her. Give it a bit of time but - don't let it be what counts. I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted that.

[outstandingbalance]

[Natasha presses her lips together. He's not wrong, as far as it goes. As far as he understands what he's responding to.

Natasha doesn't doubt it's difficult for Peggy, being exposed like that. She doesn't doubt that Peggy—either of them, really—weren't in the best places when their last conversation took place, and perhaps their needs at that time, the ways they had to tend to their individual vulnerabilities, and simply been mutually exclusive.

The question remains whether any of that's changed.

Her jaw works briefly before she says more, giving up each word like she's pulling out her own teeth.]

It's not just that. Peggy and I saw a lot in each other's heads. It's not just your memories. Or hers.

[A brief hesitation, then she adds with a flatness that only someone who knew Natasha as well as Steve might recognize as regret.]

What she saw in my head, the version of me she met in my head, weren't kind. No surprise that would cause a rift.

She's already made it clear we're not good after that.

[uprightness]

And that could cause tension between two people. Knowing things, knowing someone's failings or their mistakes or sensitive but Nat.

[ he covers her hand with hers ]

You're who you are. You can't take back your past but you did - what you still do - that's what matters and I don't think Peggy thinks any differently. You two weren't in a good place so you clashed, that happens. After a clash - nothing's good. but I think I can still fix things between me and Tony. If that's salvageable, you and Peggy are, too. Remember what you told me, never make too many decisions based on things that happened when two people weren't in a good place. Take your own advice, I think it's a good one.

[outstandingbalance]

I think you can fix things between you and Tony too. In the long run, at least.

[There's a whole list of reasons why that's different though. Ultimately the most important difference is that Natasha believes both Tony and Steve want to mend that rift. That might not be enough, but it's a good start.]

But in your case, there's something to salvage. I think I'm realizing we weren't ever good.

[They weren't ever friends. It wasn't Peggy's words that made her realize that. There's a difference between being friends and being friendly.]

And I should have known better than to think we were.

[uprightness]

Maybe not good, but you were never bad, either. that's a start.

[ anything has to be. ]

Tony and I butted heads the whole while we've known each other but I respect him and what he does. Whatever happens, it'll be built on that. You know we weren't that good either, maybe we wouldn't have been if it weren't for everything that happened. I thought all you could do was lie to me. I was wrong.

[ he shrugs. ]

Maybe you two will never braid each others' hair but -- it'll be better than now. I'm pretty sure of that.

[ he smiles a bit ]

what is it you showed interest in that made her back off like that?

[outstandingbalance]

No, we weren't that bad.

[Natasha crosses her arms. This is ridiculous. The kind of emotional bullshit that would have gotten her killed when she was younger.]

Whatever you're picturing, it wasn't that dramatic. We talked about a few things. The relationship came up, but mostly it was... a tangent.

In the end, it's just... poor expectation management. And I should know better.

[uprightness]

Nat, what worked best for me and you is that we were always very honest about our expectations. I remember a woman who thought it was weird when I asked her to be my friend.

[ he tugs on her hand. ]

it worked better for you with me because you know I can't lie. it took us a while, we got there. you and Peggy might never be as close as you and me but you'll be better. it'll work out.

[ he smiles ]

and you know, you can always ask me. I'm used to you showing an interest. at least now it's in the same woman.

[ and not that girl from the coffee shop or that girl at the reception. ]

[outstandingbalance]

I don't expect to be that close to her. And that's fine. What worries me is that I thought we were friends. Maybe I projected that on her.

[She doesn't try to pull her hand away again, letting him hold it. She'd be lying if she said the physical contact wasn't comforting.]

And I thought we understood each other enough we could ignore what we saw. No real surprises here, right? Just... take some time, lick our wounds, but move on. Wishful thinking.

I don't like being wrong about that.

[She doesn't like how vulnerable it makes her feel. If she's making that kind of bad call, who knows what else she's misjudged.]

You know why I started that, don't you?

[uprightness]

I think you wanted me to be happy. You knew I wasn't and I think when it came to you and me, I was always very frank with you. I'm always honest.

[ he says, as a reminder to a much earlier conversation, to the questioning look she gave him in sam's guest room. ]

and in a way, I think with us - me and you, it worked for us. But before it did, you drove me nuts, you know that, right? You'd speak around a point and I could never tell if you were serious or not if you're telling me everything or not. You have that in common, you and her. She makes me work for it, too. I'm just saying - maybe instead of doing all of that tell her that. Tell her you may not be friends but you want you to be, tell her why. tell her you'd like to get past that and start again and be - as open as you two can be with one another.

[ he nudges his shoulder against hers. ]

sometimes it does wonders hearing someone wants to be your friend. sometimes it does wonders telling someone you want them as a friend. I felt - different after I told you that.

[outstandingbalance]

Not just unhappy. I thought you were lonely, and it's hard to do what you do when you're disconnected. You made friends, though. Sam and me. Maybe not what I had in mind, but I'd like to think it helped...

But after a while, yeah. I wanted you to be happy. You carry a lot. You deserve that much.

[It's an important distinction, both why she did it to start with and how it changed with their relationship and their circumstances. She nudges him back, looking up at him sideways.]

You're still taking a lot on yourself. I don't want you to feel like you have to fix things between you and your girl. Whatever happens there, there's not much you could do that would change this. I want you to know that.

[And she wants him to know that she appreciates him trying, even if she doesn't say it.]

But not everyone can put things in words like that. Some people spook when things get too honest.

[Natasha means herself. She definitely means herself. She can't help but think of Bucky too when she says it, but she's not trying to deflect this on anyone else.]

You said you wanted a friend. Not me.

[uprightness]

Fixing things?

[ he has to chuckle and shake his head ]

I'm not getting between you two if I can help it. Not even if I still had the shield. I don't actually have a death wish, you know.

[ girls are confusing. especially when there's more than one at a time. ]

You didn't get too spooked back then. In the end, I was right. I like to think I am about that, too. I usually am.

[ he's being annoying to make her smile, so what. ]

[outstandingbalance]

So that's what this is? You're not helping, you're just being right?

[That gets an arched brow out of her. Maybe a little bit of a smile. Just maybe.]

[uprightness]

I'm doing both. 'm pretty good at both lately.

[ look at him helping himself to another cookie, celebrating his victory.

not him being right, of course.

she's smiling. ]

[outstandingbalance]

And now you're proud of yourself. Careful, Rogers.

[She snorts at that, also reaching for one of his cookies. He owes her that cookie.]

I thought I was the one supposed to be making you feel better.

[uprightness]

I'm fine. I don't think there's anything to do be done about it.

[ he shrugs. he's annoyed yes, which is an improvement. this morning, when peggy failed to try and get away from his embrace and steve had realized what had happened, he was infuriated enough to tear her punching bag apart with five, angry blows. he'll have to fix that.

he frowns. it's not really anger he's feeling, just a lot of frustration and more than anything, ]

I just miss her, that's all.

[ and it hasn't even been a whole day. ]

[outstandingbalance]

It makes sense. Not entirely fair, either. It wasn't that long ago she was waiting on you to wake up.

[Until then. He'll just have to put up with his friends.]

So what's the sand for?

[uprightness]

They keep stealing time away from us.

[ and time has always been his and peggy's worst enemy, in so many ways. he doesn't want that pattern to return in any way. but then again, none of them have a choice in this, not ever. ]

-- I took out her punching bag. I gotta put it back together before she wakes up. She's really attached to that thing.

[outstandingbalance]

Steve.

[Really Steve.

A sigh, because lecturing him won't fix the punching bag now.]

Next time, how about picking on someone who can punch back.

[uprightness]

I hope there won't be a next time.

[ he huffs, almost childlike in his rejection of the very thought. ]

I should have gone to the gym but I don't want to be away from this place while she's out.

[ he's captain now, it makes sense. but in reality, it's mainly because peggy might wake up and steve refuses to be away when that happens. ]

[outstandingbalance]

[She'd ask him if he's serious, if he really intends not to leave the ship even once while Peggy is unconscious, but she knows him well enough not to have to.]

Guess that means I'll have to keep coming over. At least for the next few days.

[She hasn't for a while, but... she has her priorities.]

[uprightness]

I'm fine.

[ he repeats, trying to stress it out though his tone remains dry. he knows that she knows better. by right, he shouldn't be arguing. maybe he's doing it to keep himself busy with something. ]

it's just a matter of time.

[ time. again. that alone makes him gloomy ]

[outstandingbalance]

So you don't want me to visit? [She elbows him at that. He can mope all he wants, but that's not an answer.] I could come over to spar. Spare you wrecking the punching bag as soon as it's fixed.

[uprightness]

Of course I want you to visit.

[ he always, always does. nothing will change that. he does make a face and after another moment, admits: ]

I just don't want you to worry too much, that's all.

[ although, ]

Sparring might be good.