driftfleet | Paladin's Pantry: Valentines Day Special!

Who: Lance, Hunk, and you!
Broadcast: Fleet Wide
Action: SS Heron
When: NOW!

[The network feed flickers on and standing there in the forefront are none other than the dynamic duo, Lance and Hunk… The pair of them are beaming in their matching blue and yellow aprons, standing behind the central table of the SS Heron’s kitchen, where a hand drawn sign is tapped to it’s front. Mixing bowls and baking tins sit before them alongside little piles of neatly packed ingredients. Just over one of their shoulders one could see that one of the pots are already on one of the little stove burners, bubbling away.]

Hellooooooo everyone, and welcome to our very first episode of your new favorite show, Paladin’s Pantry! [Pause.] Actually, it’s probably the only show here aside from the one we’re apparently on, but by default, that still makes it your favorite. I’m Lance, and this is my buddy, Hunk. We’ll be your charming hosts!

Right… uh… For our first episode, we thought it would be fun to have a Valentine's Day Special for all you… star crossed lovers. [There was a beat for that to sink in.]

Good one, bro! [Fistbump!]

Yeah, thanks man! I thought it was good. [Hunk clears his throat turning back to the table.] So what we’re going to be making today, if you can’t find these ingredients in your kitchen, you might want to stop off world to pick them up. Like these pastry apples! [He makes a small gesture to a cluster of green apples.] These are found right here on Duotera. WIll be using them to make apple roses. And no Valentine's Day is complete without a little bit of chocolate. While we bake the roses, we’ll show you how to make these sweet hearts, for your sweetheart.

Ready, Lance? [Turns to Lance, excited.]

I’m always ready, especially when it comes to making some-- like you said-- sweet treats for sweethearts. Shout out to my sweetheart, by the way! Happy Valentine’s Day, my lovely fireball! [He blows a kiss to the camera, winks, then grabs the apples. Sorry if that just made you groan, Hunk. They’re dunked under the now running faucet as Lance rinses them.]

Fireball? Really? So that’s what we’re calling Keith now? [Hunk snickers.] Okay for his fireball, first step, wash your apples like Lance is doing right now. After they are washed, you want to thinly slice them with a sharp knife into crescents. Now I know what you’re thinking.

[In what sounds like an incredibly rehearsed tone:] But Huuuunk! We didn’t peel the apples!

And you’d be right if we were making a pie. But for apple roses you want the skin on. That’s what is going to give you those crisp rosettes. Now set those aside in a bowl of water to soak while we make the cinnamon sugar.

Uh… About that, dude… [Lance scratches the back of his head, giving a sheepish smile.] Turns out I made a liiiiiiittle bit of an oversight… Just a tiny one… Itty bitty…. There’s no cinnamon in the spice rack. I mean, I thought, hey, spice rack! Spice racks always have cinnamon! But nope, not these ones, apparently.

[Full stop, all of the joy just seems to drain from his face.] What do you mean there’s no cinnamon? How could they not have the most basic of spices?! Are you trying to telling me I’m expected to make apple roses without cinnamon? How can you stock a kitchen without cinnamon? Were they raised in a barn? I might as well just use gin--

[The feed abruptly cuts out for a full minute before returning. Hunk has regained his composure with Lance at his side, giving reassuring back pats.]

In...and out… Deep breaths like I showed ya. We’ve got this. No worries.

[Hunk inhales deeply clearly struggling to get his words out.] If, for some unthinkable reason, you find yourself without cinnamon, there is an alternative recipe using ginger…. It won’t be as sweet. But they will look like roses, and it will get the point across.

So what you’re going to do is-

[As Hunk goes to explain how to alter the recipe, a strange black mass heaves over the lip of the pot that has been boiling behind them the whole time.]

Hey, uh, Hunk? Do you smell something weird?

What do you mean? [Hunk looks up from what he was doing to see the pot.] WHY IS THE WATER BLACK?!

What water?! You said to melt the chocolate!

No! We were going to melt the chocolate with the water!

What?! You didn’t say that! Why do you need hot water when you already have a stove?!

[Before Hunk could fire back with the nuances of melting chocolate, the molten sugar slops on to the contacts of the burner, almost instantly bursting into black smoke that fills the room.]

AHHH~! NO!

[As the two make a mad scramble to put the fire out, the feed cuts out for good.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

We wanted to give everyone else here some entertainment! And a cooking show sounded like an awesome use of our talents. It just kind of...went up in smoke...because of unforeseen circumstances.

Yeah... a little.

[Well, since they were okay, and the ship wasn't really damaged horribly...]

What were you thinking giving me some stupid nickname on the network like that?

Stupid nickname? It is not a stupid nickname! It's very, very fitting!

If anyone... ANYONE... else in the Fleet... calls me that name... you're gonna regret it. I said no nicknames in public.

I don't remember that being a rule! Anyway, that's my nickname for you, so anyone else who uses it would get their butt kicked by me anyway.

[Keith narrowed his eyes and growled a little, crossing his arms.]

Whatever. Just don't do it again.

Is this... [Pause.] Is it just the nickname, or are you upset when I ramble in public about you being my boyfriend?

[Keith's annoyance dissipated immediately, shifting into surprise.]

What? Why would that be it?

[He caught himself, and then quickly shook his head.]

No. No, that's not it at all. I don't care if people know we're together. That doesn't bother me at all. I've just never liked nicknames. Why can't people just use your actual name? Why do they have to change it? It just makes things confusing trying to figure out who you're talking about, and it's just easier to remember one name per person.

[Okay, so Pidge was kind of the exception, there, but he was used to calling her Pidge now, and really had only met her as Katie like once or twice in passing at Kerberos gatherings that Shiro had been allowed to bring him to.]

[Oh my god, Keith... Lance can't help but give a fond smile. Keith can be so socially awkward sometimes, and it's so him.]

Nicknames can be terms of affection sometimes, okay? Like how I was using it.

[And now that he really thought about it, Shiro was kind of the exception, too. But that was because Shiro had introduced himself that way to him when they met. It wasn't like Keith didn't know his full name, but he got used to using the preferred name-

Oh, wait... Lance was talking again. He frowned a bit, a somewhat concerned expression.]

I don't know. I've had bad luck with nicknames.

Doesn't mean you're always going to have bad luck with them. And me calling you my fireball is a heck of a lot different from me calling you mullet, isn't it?