driftfleet | [ action ]

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Entry tags:

[ action ]

Who: Keith, OPEN
Broadcast: No
Action: Huntress, Iskaulit, open to other ideas!
When: Kind of a system catch-all post-update, starting Nov 26

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[It took a moment for all his memories to mesh together again once he woke up, but Keith sat up slowly once they did. Okay, ha ha, Atroma... Garrison cadet uniforms sucked. He sighed and glanced back over his shoulder to see if Lance had made it back or stayed or just... whatever.

Judging by the uniform on him, too, Lance had gone back, too... or slept through it? Keith definitely felt like he'd slept through it.

And the graphitti on his face indicated-wait...

Keith's eyebrows went up... and he looked around the room. Pidge. Keith knew Lance was going to flip out when he woke up, but, for now, Keith wasn't going to leave Pidge just lying on the floor. He carefully picked her up and put her on the bed. There was a moment of concern at how passed out she was, especially when he noticed the signs of exhaustion in her features. What the heck happened?

Keith headed out to get some water only to notice his own new look in the bathroom mirror. Well then. He just hoped it wasn't permanent marker this time. He started washing, deciding that Pidge could get her own water when she woke up... or maybe just let her and Lance wake up together. That could be interesting...]

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[This is probably the only time Keith's come back from a trip home or a impromptu coma in a relatively good mood. Granted, he wasn't exactly bouncing around the Huntress or the Iskaulit like it was the BEST DAY EVER, but he didn't seem as 'emo' as usual.

He could be found at the gym, the obstacle course, getting food, in the Voltron team "Lion's Den", doing his turn at the helm on the Huntress... basically being himself, but less depressed and angsty.]

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[It took a few days to really catch on, but, eventually, Keith had to catch Lance and pull him aside. He'd been distant lately, and it was concerning. Ever since they got back, really. He knew it was hard on their relationship to keep getting new memories of them not being a couple back home, and Keith was a little worried that Lance might be considering that route for here in the Fleet, too.]

Hey... [He stopped Lance from leaving their room one morning.] Is everything okay? You seem kind of... distant.

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{OOC: Hit me up on plurk

duches77 or PM my journal if you want to try something specific. I'm open! Also! This is now Keith post season 7, so poke me if you want me to avoid spoilers!}

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[In general, Lance had come back in a decent enough mood. He was certainly less exhausted than the previous times, having since recovered from their battle against Sendak and the strange robeast back home. Being able to save Earth left him feeling accomplished even with the sense of deep guilt from being part of the cause of the invasion all along.

But he could deal with that later. Right now, they were victorious, and that was something to focus on.

The thing that was harder to deal with...well, that dealt with his boyfriend. It wasn't that he didn't love him as fiercely as always. That was a given, something he knew he'd never be able to just turn off, even if they weren't a couple yet back home. And yeah, that sucked, and it was weird to still have lingering romantic feelings for Allura back home when they'd faded long ago here.

More than not being a couple, his relationship with Keith back home had become more distant. Despite some efforts, it was difficult to catch Keith's attention. And yes, he knew that things had been crazy, and he couldn't blame the other paladin for being focused on other things. But Keith returning home had filled Lance with a hope that they could rekindle their friendship and become the duo that they'd been working to be before the whole Blades thing happened.

It didn't. And worst of all, not only did Keith not seem to care about rekindling that, he'd been downright hostile to Lance. Lance doesn't think he'll be able to forget what happened on that godforsaken game show for a long time. Constantly being called dumb and insulted, no one sticking up for him, and worst of all...Keith's words about him. When they'd been told to vote for someone to go home, Lance was happy to choose the new black paladin, putting any former rivalry and pride aside to explain that he thought Keith was important, that he was the future.

And Keith had chosen Lance simply because he didn't want to be stuck with him forever.

It hurt. Badly. And even now, he can't stop thinking about it. He lays in bed with Keith still, but watches him sleep, wondering if he'd still say the same. If deep down, he didn't really love him after all, but was trying to convince himself here that he did. And sooner or later, he'd realize that he was a fool for giving Lance any sort of chance to begin with.

Lance grows distant without fully realizing he's doing it. Maybe he's trying to put up some walls, fearing the inevitable heartbreak, especially with Keith having that dislike of Lance so fresh in his mind. When Keith approaches him, he's a little taken aback.]

Ah... No, just tired, I guess.

[Keith frowned a little, definitely concerned.]

Did something happen after we got back?

[Because, really... they'd just kicked an entire Galra army led by Sendak of all people off their planet. That was one heck of a feat to be proud of. And the subsequent robeast hadn't been a walk in the park, either. It had taken Keith a while to recover from that one. He'd tried to take most of the brunt of the explosion so the others wouldn't get as hurt. Voltron and the Lions themselves might be nearly indestructible, but the Paladins? Not so much.]

Talk to me.

Nah, nothing. It's been business as usual here. Just getting settled again, though the fact we come and go so much means it shouldn't take long.

[He gives a little shrug.]

Okay...

[Keith didn't look convinced.]

I know it's not easy. Going back... not being together... then coming back here... [Keith seemed to be steeling his nerves for something.] I mean, I understand. I noticed. [Those moments... between Lance and Allura.]

It's what it is.

[Lance chews on his lip for a little, confused by that last statement.]

Noticed what?

[Keith felt his face get warm, and he had trouble looking at Lance.]

You know. You and Allura. You guys got closer while I was away with the Blades. It's okay... you know... if things go that way for you.

[Keith was preparing himself for what he felt was the inevitable, really. Pushing away before he could get hurt.]

I don't want to hold you back if that's what you want.

Me and... Oh, Keith. It's not like-- It's not really like...

[Lance sighs, hanging his head. Well, this isn't exactly how he planned to have this conversation. Frankly, he didn't want this to be a conversation at all, but he supposes it's unavoidable.]

I still have feelings for you. That didn't change. But I guess, lately back home... I'm coming to the realization that I'm never going to have a chance with you after all. Allura... My feelings for her are pretty complicated. I don't feel anything romantic for her here, though.

[Keith took a long breath, and then let it out slowly. Still visibly awkward, he bit his lip for a second before responding.]

So... where does that leave us here?

[The absolute last thing Keith wanted was for them to keep hurting each other. Who knew how many more times they were going to go back and then come back here? And, if things did turn out the way they looked to back home, then what?

It hurt to think about.]

What I feel for you hasn't changed. I love you. I love you so much it drives me nuts sometimes. And back home...what I feel for you hasn't changed either. I just...basically am thinking that you don't even like me. I don't know exactly now how you feel here, but back home, I'm nothing to you but a reluctant teammate.

[He closes his eyes.]

I don't think you're ever going to feel for me the way I do for you, and with the way things were between us after you got back, it's just cementing that in my head.

But... I do like you. I-- I don't know if I like you that way right now... back home. It's weird. I know how I feel here. It's different back home. I just... [For someone who had issues expressing himself, this was insanely difficult. Keith fought hard to keep his temper in check.]

If you're not acting distant because of Allura... if you're acting distant right now because of me, then what is it? What happened?

[Well, his crush is one sided at home, go figure with that.]

You don't like me. It's honestly that simple. I don't think I've honestly heard one nice word from you since you got back, and I know, I know things are crazy hectic. But even Hunk told me all about how you helped him, how you even hugged him, and I just got to thinking how you'd never want to do that for me. How...

[He runs a hand through his hair and sighs.]

How you'd rather be in a universe that I wasn't in.

[Well, in all fairness, Hunk hugged Keith first, but Hunk was like that. And Keith knew better than to argue semantics like that right now. He bit that back.]

That's... [Okay, so... he wanted to say it wasn't true, but it was coming back now. The voting... the snarky comment... He had said that, but he wasn't really sure how to explain why without sounding like a dick.]

I'm sorry. [It was a quick apology, Keith sliding back into his automatic response for doing something stupid and callous that he knew was wrong but couldn't explain.] I don't know why I said that. [No, he knew. He just didn't know how to explain it.]

Because that's the way things are. I thought I'd tried to bury the hatchet between us, to try to make things work, to really be a team, but I guess I didn't try enough. And that's my fault, not yours, for starting it all to begin with. It's stupid to think you'd forget how antagonistic we used to be towards each other.

[And boy oh boy, regret of regrets, that.]

I guess when you went away, you realized that you were happier without me, or something. That's probably why you said that. And honestly, with the way that whole thing went, with the things everyone said and didn't say, I can't blame you any more than anyone else.

[Keith visibly tensed more as Lance continued talking, his fist tightening.]

That's not it. That's not it at all.

[His voice was tight, as he struggled to figure out what to say.]

Then what, Keith? I...

[He hangs his head.]

I'm sorry. I don't want to put you on the spot. I don't want to make you run. Whatever it is... I'll try my best to accept it. That's part of love, isn't it?

[At this point, Lance is unsure of his words, but if Keith freaks out now, he doesn't know what he'll do.]

I-... [Keith squeezed his eyes shut for a second, definitely fighting against the urge to just bail on the whole thing and leave. He hadn't expected this to get so intense, and he felt like he was backsliding again. He thought he'd grown out of this!]

I panicked. When he started asking everyone for reasons-... And I thought you and Allura... so, I just... I didn't know what else to say.

I didn't mean it like that. I don't hate you. Back home. I don't hate you back home.

[Desperate to keep him from running, Lance reaches out, taking Keith's hand. Even with the pathetic excuse for walls he himself was trying to build to keep himself from getting too hurt, he knows he's fallen too hard to let this fall apart.]

You... Keith, were you...jealous?

[He tries to quirk a smile, tries to joke, even if his lower lip is wobbling ever so slightly.]

Sorry, I. I'm acting silly. It just hit me really, really hard, and I didn't know if you meant it. I didn't know if you actually cared. And I won't lie, it hurt really, really bad. But I won't--I can't lose you.

No!

[Okay... maybe. He shrank back a bit.]

I don't know.

Look, I just know... that what I wanted to say would have sounded stupid. I wasn't ready.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry.

[He takes a deep breath. Sure, it isn't going to fix it, and the hurt from Keith's words regardless is still going to linger for a while. But this-- This is a start.]

Thank you, then. For apologizing. I... Just answer me truthfully, Keith, after going back there, and coming back here... Do you still love me the same way you did before?

[Keith bit his lip, hard enough to turn it white, and then nodded. For the moment, he couldn't actually say anything. There was too much running through his head, and he just needed to regain his focus. It showed in his face, his posture... he'd honestly been ready for a breakup. The fact that it didn't seem to be happening confounded him and frightened him.

And then some words came into focus, so he jumped on them, trying to get things out there before his voice failed again.]

I just want you to be happy. I was scared because I thought that was with Allura. And, if that's how it works out back home, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that here, too... but... I just... [And it was gone again. He floundered.]

You're...okay with losing me? You'd give me up without a fight? That hurts, buddy. Because I'd sure as hell fight for you.

[He tries his hardest to let out a little laugh, even if his throat is tight.]

You were always my first choice since I saw your smug face and bad haircut for the first time. That never changed, even if I didn't fully realize it. I don't even know if I'll ever be a choice of any kind for you back home, but I want to be.

[He squeezes his hand.]

I don't want to be with Allura. I want to be with you.

[Keith looked confused and upset for a second.]

But... if you're happy...

[And that was honestly the biggest thing here. Fighting for them to be together or not, if Lance had chosen someone other than him, Keith was okay with that because it was Lance's choice to go that direction. He was used to that anyway, so the idea that someone would pick him first... he'd only had a few people do that in his life.]

I don't know if I'll ever figure myself out back home. You deserve better than that.

[Hell, he was still having a problem figuring himself out here sometimes, too. Sure, he was settled on some issues, but others were still a huge a mystery, and he was self-aware enough to know he still had a way to go.

He looked down at their hands when Lance squeezed his. Keith could feel his own trembling a little in the grip, and he just pushed himself forward, pulling on Lance's hand until they were in a hug.]

I don't want to lose you, either... but, if you're happier with someone else, then that's what's important. That you're happy. I can get by on my own if I have to, as long as I know you're okay and that you're with someone you're happy with.

..... [He pressed his face into the side of Lance's neck.]

But... it does make me glad to know you don't want to lose me, either.

I'd be happiest with you, if what's happened here tells me anything.

[He starts to stroke through Keith's hair with his free hand now, a familiar calming gesture. Insecure and still kind of hurt as he is, he knows it's more important to make sure Keith is alright. If Keith bolts, he doesn't know what he'd do.]

You're growing up back home, and not just physically. I can tell. And when you talk to me again, I'm going to realize I shouldn't give up on you after all, okay? And I'll woo the pants right off of you.

[The idea of running was still in the back of his mind. Facing stuff like this was hard... but he was determined. Part of him was also pretty sure he'd just had something akin to a panic attack, but he wasn't going to bring that up now.

Lance's comment, though... it managed to elicit a tiny chuckle.]

You sound pretty confident about that...

[After a moment, he straightened back up to meet Lance's gaze, sliding his hand down to rest on his chest, pinching the material of his shirt for a moment to rub it between his fingers.]

Do you want to know why? [Keith stumbled verbally a little bit.] You know... why I voted for you?

I managed to get you to fall for me here. I can do it back home.

[He has to believe it. Has to stay confident. That last part makes him pause-- Honestly, he's almost afraid of the answer.]

...Yeah. I would.

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