driftfleet | Action | Who needs a gosh dang drink??

Entry tags:

Action | Who needs a gosh dang drink??

Who: Steve and everyone else who just needs to get drunk. One closed to existing CR
Broadcast: No
Action: The Iskaulit/Space Bar
When: Post Calibrations/Bombing the eff out of Marsiva

[OPEN]

Tony would probably be proud of Steve, if he were able to see him right now. He'd slap his back and welcome him back to the world of inebriation while ordering shots for everyone in the bar to commemorate the day. As it is, though, Tony isn't here and, without him, there's not a damn person who would feel proud in this entire bar. That's part of it's charm.

Steve sighs and swallows his fourth drink. It's strong and alien and somehow enough to give him a strong buzz but not enough to really get him drunk. Not yet, at least. But he's not a quitter, so bottom's up! He hisses a little at the burn of it and feels, not for the first time, like he was being a coward. He saw some stuff in those rooms, sure. But other people had it so much worse. Saw so much more. He should really be thankful, actually.

But he's not. And this is a 30's approved way of getting over trauma. There were worse ways of coping, he was sure. So for now he's just going to stay in his seat and keep ordering drinks until that elusive drunken state hits him once more.

Should only take another hour or three.

[CLOSED TO EXISTING CR]

No one could blame Steve for starting. He'd messaged his friends about fifteen minutes ago, telling them to meet him at the bar for some drinks. But just sitting here, waiting? It was done better with a drink in hand to look social, at least. And it's not like that one is going to be his last. No, after Calibrations he can imagine himself coming over here quite often. He can imagine all of them coming here quite often, in fact. But maybe tonight (today? Space was hard to judge) would help take some of the sting off. Or at least some of the awkwardness.

But it wasn't as though they <i>chose</i> to share all of that. Loki, Steve is sure, would have preferred to keep his death to himself. And Thor? I am sure half of those memories were things he'd rather not have replayed over and over again. And <i>Hux</i>. God... That was just what Steve knew of. Who knew what other people had put his friends through? What they'd been through themselves?

Steve preemptively orders another drink for whoever shows up first. Whoever it was, he's sure they won't say no. Not now.

First round is on him.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Steve is quiet as he listens. This reminds him a bit of when Mantis had told him of his own past. The similarity makes him concerned about what else he will hear. The two of them had attacked the Marsiva with no hesitation. Steve had considered it justice for all they'd done. He wonders now if he should have put some thought into what Hux considered it.]

Disposed of your opponents? [He doesn't like the sound of that at all and it shows in the way his eyebrows furrow.]

Weren't these your fellow soldiers? And...how was your own survival in question? [That was the saving grace, potentially. The reason to explain the unforgivable. But Steve still wasn't sure just how big that 'unforgivable' could potentially be.

He stopped talking and leaned back a bit, nodding for Hux to keep going.]

When I disposed of my opponents-- I usually found ways that got them transferred to other ships, departments, or demoted. Or they had an accident that ended up causing them to be unable to do their job and they had to be let go.

[Hux shrugged despite the fact he knew Steve didn't like his methods. They weren't the greatest and it showed how he was sneaky and manipulative and how far he would go to ensure his position.]

Keep in mind that what I did was tame compared to what others would do. I've seen fellow cadets maimed in training sessions, some seriously beaten by fellow cadets, others who just didn't make it because they couldn't fight or weren't intelligent enough to be of use, and others were who were simply killed or made to look as if it was an accident.

You simply couldn't rely on other people to help you out. You had to rely on yourself. If I hadn't done what I've done, I wouldn't have made it to where I am now.

Those are excuses. [It comes out sharp because Steve's heard them before from many others.] Just because other people did worse, that doesn't mean that enables you to do the same. It's or job to rise above the worst of others. It's the job of soldiers to do what is needed even when it isn't easy. Especially when it isn't easy because we're meant to do what is right...

[Still. Steve remembers what he saw and what he'd heard. His face softens and he puts himself into the position Hux was in. The man is smart. Manipulative and cutthroat but smart. And what he did was indeed mild if Steve believed the rest of what he said about the cadets. And...if it was what was needed to survive. Steve might not like it, but he could understand.]

What about now? That you're free of the military? Do you regret what you did?

[Hux could feel his face getting red, more from anger at this point He didn't look at Steve and stared into his glass instead. He gripped the glass tightly, but refused to say anything as Steve berated him for his actions. All he could hear was his father at this point. Save his father wouldn't have said those words, but be chewing him out for not fighting back. It confused him greatly. He was trying to tell Steve who he was and he was getting chewed out for being honest to him. He had a feeling this would happen, but at the same time he wasn't expecting to hear his father also.]

I'm not apologizing for who I am and what I've done. This had been the way it has for as long as I could remember. How was I supposed to know another way when it was how I was raised?

It's easy for you to sit here and berate me for my past actions, but you haven't been in the situation I've been in. Your methods would have gotten yourself killed a long time ago. This world isn't so black and white.

[Hux paused to take drink from his glass. He placed the cup down, but there was quiet along gap before he finally spoke. He tugged at the cuffs of his sleeves as he did so in agitation as he tried to form the right words.]

Who says I wanted to be free of the military? Yes, I didn't have a choice in the matter. But the military is what I've become. And to be honest? I feel disconnected and lost. I have yet to find a purpose.

[Well. This was going real good. But Steve isn't the sort to back down. He leans back but doesn't take the tense look off his face. He has to remind himself that His doesn't know him nor the world he grew up in just as he doesn't know his. They're going to have to learn.]

I know what it means to make a choice that means you're gonna die. The world might not be black and white but I understand that. [He just chose to die.]

This military you were in gave you order. I can imagine that was a powerful thing. A protective feeling. But...you're more than just a soldier. Your purpose isn't defined by them and what they forced you to do.

You have freedom, here. To figure out who you are. Just you.

The minute we fail or prove ourselves not worthy of our post we are expandable. I've worked hard to make sure I wasn't expandable, but every day I'm constantly reminded. Regardless, I have accepted this as my life. This is who I am and I will happily die being the face of the First Order.

[Hux replied with a hint of bitterness in tone. This whole conversation was having him fired up. He couldn't blame it on the drink. This was his second one and it would take much more before it hit him. Keith and Ulaz had accepted things better then Steve had and were more open to what went on having been involved in a similar war.

He believed it was also the fact that Steve was expecting him to simply change. He continued to tug at the cuff of his sleeves in agitation. He knew his face was still blotchy, but could feel that the redness starting to fade.]

This isn't freedom. I don't want this. This is just like living in a dream, where your going to wake up and find yourself back home where you last remember. I'm not going to allow myself to get too comfortable and have this be used as a weakness.

[Steve can see Hux's emotions rising up and that alone helps to put a dampener on his own. He listens closely, still not quite understanding but knowing that if he didn't make an effort he never would. Hux and he might never have a talk this open and frank again if he let it end with him so furious.

Steve reaches out and places his hand on the table between them.]

Commander. This may be a dream but it is your dream far from the First Order. You're not expendable here and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. No one is looking for weaknesses; we're all in this together.

This world...strange though it is... This is a chance for you to see what you can make of yourself. What you can be when you have the choice. To see if it is someone you like or not.

[He leans in and relaxes his face.] I am not judging you. Alright? You and I...we just make different choices. I might not understand yours but I want to. Okay? I want to understand and I want to help however I can.

[Steve's comments caught Hux by surprise. With the way things were going, he didn't think that Steve would reach out the way he had. He took a few moments to try and steady his own nerves before he allowed himself to respond.

He continued to fidget with the cuff of his sleeves unsure of what the hand gesture meant.]

These are traits you're showing are why I had respected you and felt it was worth trying to tell you. It's just extremely difficult for me to talk about the past and everything that's happened. It concerns me though, of how strongly you reacted to my way of living in the military of how you would react to what I've done as a general.

Yes, there are things I do regret, and things I wish I could have not done. But dwelling on the what ifs and regret would only hold me back. I simply learned from those and tried to keep in mind other ways to approach situations. Sometimes they're successful other times not. As much as it pains me to admit it I don't have the experience that some of my senior officers had with war. Mostly everything I've learned were from books.

I'm...I'm sorry, Hux. You are coming to me to tell me these things and I shouldn't be judging the choices you made. Not if you are looking now towards change. [His biggest issue with Mantis had been his apparent lack of remorse. The lack of care he'd seemed to have for the things he'd done. And while Hux doesn't necessarily seem like he is as regretful as Steve would have hoped, it is a start.

Steve can work with a start.]

I've seen war. I've seen...so much war. More than I ever wanted to. And I understand the hard choices people need to make in war. From generals to foot soldiers, we all need to make them and each one holds lives in the balance. And we all make mistakes.

[He inches his hand a little closer to where Hux is fidgeting but doesn't touch him.]

If you have more to tell me, I will hear you and remember that.

[Hux took another steady breath to calm his nerves. While he gathered his words he took a drink from his glass finishing up the second.]

While I might be the youngest general in my time, I'm responsible for the deaths of many from my side to the other side. It's something I'll forever have to carry.

I had designed a weapon that was meant to be used once and to end a war before it started. Only it didn't go the way I had planned it. Even the greatest strategist can't predict how everything will go especially when it comes to understanding people and how far they will go.

We used the weapon to warn and drawl out the enemy. Only with this weapon it destroyed and entire system consisting of five moons and millions of lives. It drew out the enemy real fast. Through a traitor on my side, they managed to find a weakness in the weapon. My leader wanted me to fire it another system that housed the enemy. I managed to talk him down to just to strike the planet. I couldn't handle dealing with the loss of lives in that mass. Yet, I had to present it in a way where it wouldn't see me as weak and showing compassion. Otherwise, he would have killed me.

The enemy destroyed my weapon before it could fire, but in the process it destroyed the entire planet my weapon was on. It cost us a large portion of my men and supplies. We almost didn't make it out alive ourselves.

That day forever haunts me. It was supposed to have been a proud moment of my life, but in the end it was nothing but a mess of ruin. It also showed me what people can be like on both sides. I'm surprised I was allowed to live.

[As Hux carefully explained things he watched Steve's reactions, knowing how hard it was going to be for the other to accept what had happened. He had folded his own hands to keep from fidgeting, but the urge had still been there.]

[Strangely enough, this is easier to hear. Steve's eyes are wide as he listens to the whole thing and understands the weight that Hux must carry with all of this on his shoulders. When he's finished, Steve just watches him for a long moment, not sure what first to say. Finally, he just decides to start and see where it lands.]

On Earth, to end the war I fought in, my country dropped atomic bombs on our enemy. It didn't destroy the planet but it ended many lives. I have ended many lives. I don't think about it, but in the war and all the years since... I've killed. And I've done it to protect others. But, if told from the other side, I'm as much a villain as any of those I stood against.

[Steve leans in. His face is open now and soft. This, strangely, has helped. Seeing Hux as he talked about this helped. All he'd ever known was war and fighting. Who could blame him for coming up with a weapon like this and using it? Deadly, yes, but that had been his job. And now it haunts him like such a thing should.

Steve smiles, faintly and sympathetically as gestures toward a waiter walking by for more drinks, here. They need it.]

Thank you for telling me this, Hux. I don't...judge you. You did what we all do when faced with an impossible choice: we pick the best option we have. And that's what you did.

[Hux closed his eyes briefly. He was a little surprised by Steve's reactions, but grateful at the same time. It took a few moments to collect his own thoughts and nerves. The subject was still a raw topic for him and it wasn't one he was willingly to discuss all the time. He opened his eyes once more when he was able to collect his thoughts.]

I can only hope that was the best option we had. Although, I feel the other side would have to disagree with that. I admit that I believe you would probably side with them. Your beliefs follow theirs more so then ours.

However, I appreciate that time and effort you took into listening and not judging me. This means a lot. I hope over time you can come to trust me.

[Trust is difficult to manage. Steve may understand Hux and believe he has the potential to grow outside of the man he'd been, but that doesn't mean Steve trusts him. He has been burned too many times by people who believed as Hux did that survival is what matters. So he just nods, accepting this and offering his commander a thin smile.]

I hope, over time, you can see some of what I was talking about. It's not easy to look at the thing that gave your life structure and meaning and ask if it was right. I get that.

[His smile fills out, more genuine.]

I hope we can talk more. I think we'll do well learning from each other.

[Hux knew that it would take time for Steve to earn his trust or anyone's. He doubted that he would earn such trust, but he hoped there would be enough to where they could work alongside each other when necessary. That was all he could ask for. He had asked a lot for Steve to listen and to not judge him for his actions. He appreciated that much from the young man. He did allow himself to relax a little now that the worst of the conversation had been dealt with.]

I'm uncertain of that....but I will keep in mind what you said. Did you have other questions on what you may have seen? Or on other things that weren't what we had dealt with?

No. No, I think I've got enough for today. [He gives a wane laugh, swirling what's left of his drink before finishing the whole thing. He was going to need more but he's fairly certain there's not enough here for all that's on his mind.]

Thank you for telling me all you have. It's not an easy thing to open up. In many ways you've shown more of yourself than I have of myself. So, no. I'm food for now.

Did you have any questions?

Oh....I didn't realize that this would be like question session going on? I only shared the information because I felt it was important that you needed to know.

But since you ask....what was your family like? Did you have both your parents or just one of them? Any siblings?

[He couldn't help but be a little curious. He never had much of a family life and wondered what others were like.]

[Steve shakes his head]

I had my ma. But my dad died when I was a baby. Other than that I just had Bucky. He's my best friend. We grew up together so he was practically my brother...

[Hux recognized the name Bucky. That had been the boy that helped him in the dream he happened to see. If he recalled correctly Steve had mentioned him a few times before and it was clear that he was important to him and probably a sensitive subject as well. He got the idea as well that perhaps Steve wasn't too close to either parent since he focused more on Bucky.]

I gather that Bucky had more of an influence on you then your folks?

[He could understand that since Grand Admiral Sloane had more of an influence on him then his own father.]

I don't think I can relate to having a friend, but I had a mentor that played a major role in my life.

I was close with my mom. Didn't know my dad really, but I grew up with ma and she helped shape me into who I am. She was a nurse. TB nurse. That's also what killed her but... She was fierce and strong and didn't let anyone look down on be for being small and sick.

[He smiles at the memories, now. It had been harder before but now it's a fond remembrance.]

Bucky is more like a brother. He was there after ma died and helped hold me up. He was there through everything. So, yeah. I guess we influenced each other, really.

For better or worse.

I'm sorry to hear that. It looks like you had a fairly strong support from your family.

[Hux found himself a little jealous, but at the same time he was glad for Steve to have such support. It explained more of who he was.]

Did you always want to be a soldier? Or was there something else you would have done instead?

[Steve shrugs a shoulder, not really sure how to answer that.]

I always wanted to be someone who could protect people and look out for them. But profession wise?

I wanted to be an artist.

I've always liked to take apart things and see how they work and figure out how to try to improve things. That's what lead me to be an engineer and why I chose to focus on that here. Granted, I don't try to do anything on big scale as I had done before. I'm more careful about it.

My father often frowned upon things that didn't seem to be beneficial. Even though I believe that art in itself is beneficial. Art can be used in engineering as well.

What type of art work do you like to do?

[Hux questioned as he took the other drink once they arrived. It was never something he was allowed to explore. He had to learn to use it in a way his father approved of so engineering was the route he had to go. He never mentioned the other work he liked to work on when he had the time.]

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Action | Who needs a gosh dang drink??

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