02. | All lies and jests; still a man hears what he wants to hear

[sinistral]

Who: (Winter Soldier) Bucky Barnes (sinistral)
Broadcast: No
Action: Yes; SS Starduck, SS Iskaulit, B'lire
When: From the start of the post-calibrations drift to visiting the new planet

---

SS STARDUCK
→ Reacclimation;

The time spent aboard the Marsiva had been uncomfortable, to put it politely. Bucky still doesn't believe it, not really, when they're returned to their own ships; it comes with staying awake for the first twenty-four hours just to make sure this isn't a dream or a trick of the mind. Considering the state of his mind, he's not entirely convinced, but it does seem a little bit elaborate to just be a part of the Calibrations.

And if this is truly the ship, if they are truly back to what passes for daily life around here, then it has to start with checking over everything. Maybe he's taking the whole idea of Security a bit too literally but now that he's had some time to think about it, he can only conclude that his presence and assignment here is due only to what he is. What HYDRA turned him into has made him valuable; if he performs his role well, perhaps the switch inside his brain won't be flipped. So for that reason he's combing all of the ships nooks and crannies, looking for anything that might be out of order or out of (what passes for) the ordinary. He won't enter a crewmate's quarters without being asked to do so though; he sees it as too much an invasion of privacy.

When he's finally satisfied and no longer has that activity to occupy his mind, Bucky heads to the workout area in the cargo bay. He doesn't know which former crewmembers had seen to the upgrades of the equipment there, but he's thankful to be able to take advantage of it once more. And, judging by the force behind his punches, to do his best to attempt to break it. There's a lot of frustration to work out, enough so that it's definitely palpable. Call him out on it? Try to keep up? Pity the amount of protein solid he's going to have to consume to compensate for all those burned calories?

SS ISKAULIT
→ Work It Out;

Bucky really only has one goal in mind in coming to the Iskaulit: to push himself in a way he can't with the limited facilities on the Starduck, to force the body into exhaustion since the brain won't accept any other sort of quiet. That it's not the healthiest pursuit doesn't matter. As long as it works, it's fine. And he'll make it work.

He tries to choose odd hours if possible, hours that coincide with the times he'd expect most people to be sleeping and the facility to be empty. It doesn't always work in his favor but as long as there's a heavy bag or a speedbag available he stays, alternating time spent against the bag with weights. And if the facility appears too busy for his liking, he simply leaves with the intention of returning later.

→ Art Appreciation;

Though most of his time spent aboard the Iskaulit is spent in the gym, it's not the only reason Bucky visits. He hardly appreciates heavy-handed attempts at steering his actions but whether it had been the Vision, or the Atroma acting through the Vision, the scene he'd been shown of the mural aboard the Iskaulit has not faded from his memory. That in and of itself is significant enough for him to seek out the mural he'd been shown, to find its location and maybe figure out why it's so important.

Seeing it doesn't bring him any answers.

It's a nice enough work of art he supposes; he's not one for appreciation of the arts, and he's got no skill in them himself. He can draw a rough map though, so the next time he visits, he brings along a journal and starts copying down that section of the wall he was shown aboard the Marsiva, mapping it out in rough lines on the paper. It's not a good drawing, more a diagram than anything else, but it's good enough for his purposes, good enough for him to write down his thoughts (questions, mostly) on the next few pages. And it's a good enough place to sit quietly, back against the wall because even here, in a place that's supposed to be peaceful, he's defensive and closed off more than anything else.

PLANETSIDE
→ Hunting;

It's more than a literal breath of fresh air to get off the ships and onto solid ground again. It's not that Bucky doesn't do well with being cooped up; it's more that the close quarters with others — even his shipmates — and the happenings on board the Marsiva have him feeling like a caged animal. And like a caged animal, his first instinct is to lash out; fortunately, the punching bags have held up against such expulsion of energy. So far, anyway.

Fortunately, this system's planet seems well suited to his kind of stress relief.

He's a regular in the wooded areas both for the exercise of hiking and the action of hunting. Ghosts or supernatural beings or whatever, he'll keep an eye out for them just fine, but it's the more substantial creatures that he makes his prey. People are willing to pay both for pelts and for the meat from carcasses; it seems a good use of his time.

→ Shopping;

Man certainly can't stay in the woods all the time and while Bucky's no stranger to wilderness survival, it'd be foolish not to take advantage of the offerings available via trade. And not all goods are physical; there's certainly something to be said for the pursuit of information, even though little enough of it seems to pertain to anything outside of this world's particular customs. Still he asks, here and there, unsatisfied by the answers but unwilling to stop trying.

He's examining wares at a particular establishment, carefully testing the weight and balance of a hunting knife while keeping half his attention on the conversations of the building's other occupants. It's when he overhears stories of a metallic man that he decides to take his leave; local legend or not, it definitely sounds like something he'd rather avoid being tangled up in and he's glad to have kept the habit of wearing long sleeves and gloves when going planetside. It's just easier to avoid the questions that he doesn't want to answer.

WILDCARD
→ Elsewhere;

Did we discuss something and I forgot? Have another idea? I'm open to almost anything, hit me up via PM or at sometimesamuse and we'll figure out out. I do write starters in prose but if you prefer brackets I'm happy to match.

Comments

shopping!

[stillgotmyleftarm]

This is Bucky's first planet, and he almost doesn't know what to expect. He might almost, almost be a little disappointed it seems so Earth-like, but he knows that's stupid - someplace with lava for streets or maybe no ground at all would look cool, but probably be a horrible idea. Or something.

Either way, it's not Earth, and he's got precious little in the way of actual possessions of his own, so he's making his way through the shops, dismayed that he can't seem to find any firearms more advanced than something somebody would've used in the Civil War. Sure, Red Fish has an armory, but he's only willing to trust a weapon essentially given to him by a kidnapper so far.

He's stepping into another shop when he spots a profile, starts to move on - and does a double-take. Because that's his own profile, it's like his brain thought at first he was walking past a mirror, but it's not. It's not a mirror. It's him, but it's not him - longer hair, maybe a little more bulk, definitely a different fashion sense.

Well. This is a shitty way to do this, but he's been meaning to find his other half. Guess it's a fucking sign, or something - he steps up toward the guy's right - close behind him but not too close - and says quietly, "Hey. Five o'clock," announcing his position. Soldier to soldier.

[sinistral]

Sansa has teased him about the combat gear, but Bucky still finds it the easiest thing to wear in what he considers to be the field. That he plans to spend most of his time on the planet in the wilderness means it's actually pretty well suited to the activity. It also means he stands out a little among the locals, but it doesn't bother him; from talking with them it seems that they don't mind who's selling them game, be it a local hunter or someone from the Fleet. That suits him just fine. He's a killer; that's surely why these Atroma have brought him here. At least this way he can do it on his own terms.

He's not unaware of other patrons in the shop. He's not even unaware of proximity. But his usually unfriendly air is enough to dissuade most of them, so the fact that he's being addressed? Not something Bucky wants to deal with. His left hand curls and uncurls, something long since become habit when wearing full gloves, and he doesn't turn, not yet.

"What do you want?" Quiet, as quietly as he'd been hailed. He wonders what it'll be this time.

[stillgotmyleftarm]

The reaction he gets is, honestly, about what he expected. Not that he's talked to Steve at length about... well, Bucky, but the impression he's gotten seems pretty accurate so far.

That, and the one time he's met his Steve, who's also on edge and prickly, to say the least.

Bucky doesn't move; he stays where he is, where he'd said he was, and answers the question honestly: "To talk. Couple of minutes, that's all. I've never met myself before." He pauses. "If you're busy, I can wait." Maybe giving a little will get him something in the end.

[sinistral]

"Outside." Some place a little less crowded than a trading post, because he definitely doesn't like what's implied in I've never met myself before. He abandons the hunting knife he'd been examining and turns for the door without so much as a backwards glance. If the other man means to follow through with this, he can physically follow as well.

He is at least waiting outside the establishment instead of walking off. The jacket has been zipped up to its collar though, and his hands are shoved in his pockets. His expression is carefully blank, though there is a slight widening of the eyes when taking in the other man's face. He'd been told this count happen but he had no idea that it was actually going to happen.

[stillgotmyleftarm]

Bucky nods, but Bucky - yeah, this is gonna get weird, real frickin' fast - is already heading for the door. So he follows, picking up the pace when the other just steamrolls through the door, because if he takes off -

Well. Bucky could ideally catch him, but it'd be a pain in the ass.

But it turns out there's no need. Bucky lets out a quiet breath and stands there, essentially staring himself down - if he'd somehow managed to get really, really good of wiping his feelings off his face.

Now, Bucky's not Steve. Steve fucking wears every single emotion on his sleeve, and he's a shitty liar, and Bucky knows all his little tells, after all these years. Bucky knows he's a better liar by far, with the far better poker face (although Steve does have a decent one, of all things), and on top of that, he doesn't know his own tells, because he's never had to stare himself in the face during a conversation before. He guesses that's about to change.

"Hey," he starts out, because... it seems like some kind of greeting is better than just starting right in. Of course, he probably shouldn't mince words, here - if his experience with his own Steve is any indication, he might not get in very many of them before the other decides he's done. "I just wanted to - meet you. To let you know I'm here. To, uh, offer an ear or whatever, I guess. It sounds like maybe you need it, and we both know that Steve will offer 'till the cows come home, but he's kind of... Steve."

There's more to it than that - Bucky has this bone-deep need to understand what the hell happened, what the hell got him to this point, and what that means for Steve - for both of them, the one who's the guy he remembers, and the one who's not. But that can wait.

[sinistral]

He could have just walked off maybe. He's certainly skilled at just disappearing, and it's done easily enough in a place like this. Perhaps he should have. He owes this man nothing, and certainly nothing is owed to him. A passerby going into the shop eyes him curiously, but Bucky ignores the stare and the woman moves on. If she does a double take as his apparent twin exits the door, he doesn't notice it.

What he does notice is that it's like looking into a mirror, but not. Shorter hair; the Soldier doesn't remember having hair that short. Narrower shoulders but that's probably because he has two human arms. He doesn't really remember what that's like either. More expression in the face but the Soldier learned to be the Soldier long ago. Certainly more inflection in the words, between the hesitation and the slight verbal stumble. The accent is still there too, just a little bit. He himself doesn't really have too much of an accent anymore; it'd been one of the first things trained out of him.

He waits patiently, but it seems like that's it. He thinks he'd been expecting more, despite the initial approach mentioning only wanting a few minutes to talk. Nothing is ever that simple; nothing is ever just its surface value. Nothing ever comes without a catch. The thing is that he can't predict what this one will be, and that has him raising all his internal defenses automatically.

"Did you need something?" he asks finally, because he doesn't understand the point of those few sentences.

[stillgotmyleftarm]

It's like looking into a funhouse mirror, if you ask Bucky, only one that's not really frickin' fun at all. He didn't get a lot of time to look at himself after Azzano, but he imagines the look in his eyes was probably not entirely different. The rest, though... just because he looks a little more like a super soldier than he did during the war, thanks to an actual regimen of the right food and the right workouts, doesn't mean he looks like that. He doesn't move like that, either. It's definitely the funhouse mirror without the fun. It's unsettling. It's distressing. And it's infuriating, that someone had to go through what this guy went through. That his Steve did, on the other side of things.

"No - " he starts, except that's kind of a lie. He does need something, because he needs to understand what the hell happened, what brought this man to this point, and how to help him. For his sake, and for Steve's.

But that's not the kind of thing you demand of a victim.

"Yeah," he finally says, with a sigh. "But it's less about that, and more about what you need, I think. Because, pal, you sure need something."

[sinistral]

The blank face is disconcerting, he knows. He's heard the comments about it, heard what people think. But it's a part of his training that still serves him well, the ability to keep his emotions to himself. He hates the idea of being thankful to HYDRA for anything, but he won't deny the use of this particular talent.

Then again, he'd often been effectively muzzled and masked; perhaps the blankness is also an extension of that.

He pulls his hands from his pockets and crosses his arms over his chest. It's become habit to wear long sleeves and gloves as much as possible, mostly to avoid stares he doesn't want to deal with and comments he doesn't want to answer. This isn't the first time someone has made the implication of him needing something; he knows that logically it probably won't be the last. That doesn't mean he wants to deal with it however.

"I have what I need," he says carefully. It is the truth after all: he has food and shelter and a place to train; books to read and a journal in which to write down the things he remembers as they come to him. Simple needs perhaps, but needs nonetheless, and ones he can fulfill for himself. So he repeats his question, albeit with a slight change in the wording. "What did you need from me?"

[stillgotmyleftarm]

Bucky isn't sure whether the motion of crossing his arms is supposed to intimidate him, but either way, his keeps his stance casual - not defensive, but not offensive, either. He'd like it if the guy didn't just turn and walk away, but if he does... he isn't about to stop him. He'd learned his lesson with Steve. It's not the way to foster trust, he knows, and fortunately - unlike Steve - his first instinct isn't just to reach out and keep the guy close enough to talk.

"If you say so," he says - and yeah, maybe he sounds disbelieving, but he isn't gonna push that statement, any. Not today. Still, his mouth twists a little when the other actually asks what Bucky wants from him, because... it's not an easy thing to ask. It's not a nice thing to ask. But they both know, probably, that most things aren't easy or nice. That's not how life goes.

"I need to know what happened to you," he says. "I need to know why you don't want anything to do with Steve, and how I can help you both change that."

It's hurting Steve - that's plain as day. And solving this problem might also help Bucky help his Steve, and fuck if there isn't enough guilt roiling up inside him about that to displace most other things. He's doing what he can for the Steve who didn't fall from the train, but that doesn't eliminate the fact that there is a Steve who fell from the train... and he's here, too. He's Bucky's responsibility, as much as the other one is.

God, this place is so confusing. But it's what he's got to work with.

[sinistral]

It's not an overtly threatening posture, save that his physique and tactical gear probably lend him a somewhat threatening air just for the fact of what they are. He's as relaxed as he ever is, which isn't truly relaxed and is likely better described as being at ease. Bucky may have most of his attention focused on this stranger who wears his face but he still has senses trained on their surroundings. After all, he knows very well how easy an ambush can be; he's certainly orchestrated enough of them himself.

And there it is. He can't say that he'd been expecting the question, not exactly; it's more that it's not the first time he's heard it, and he knows it's likely not going to be the last. It usually comes more readily when he's walking around with his left arm in full view, which is a large factor of why he's decided to keep it hidden when they visit new planets, even if long sleeves and jackets do get warmer than he'd like. It's just easier in the long run.

"You don't need to know what happened," he corrects, keeping the tone of his voice carefully casual. It's not a rebuke but more of an explanation; this is very much a point of view that he holds and isn't the first time he's come up against the you need to talk about it mentality. "You want to know. And I don't want to talk about it." It's all very matter-of-fact; he is no longer HYDRA's Asset and he doesn't owe mission reports or status reports or anything like that to anyone. This is a part of freedom for him: being able to make his own decisions about himself.

As for Steve though, he shrugs. That's trickier, because he knows that he's supposed to know Steve — at least, he assumes they're talking about the same man. Maybe he should clarify that first, before shaping his reply. "Who do you mean by Steve?" He hasn't spent a ton of time pouring over ships' rosters mainly because his priority is the Starduck; he figures that he should primarily concern himself with the ship to which he was assigned, and to its crew. So while he's met one man calling himself Steve, there could in fact be other people who go by that name.

[stillgotmyleftarm]

Bucky makes a frustrated sound. No, he doesn't need to know. But at the same time, he does, because how else is he supposed to deal with this situation? He's going in blind, and he doesn't like that. "I'm sure you don't," is what he says, first, because yeah - of course he doesn't. Who the hell would? It's not like Bucky - either of them, it seems - just up and spouted everything to Steve after he'd pulled him (them?) out of Azzano. Nobody wants to talk about that shit. And nobody's supposed to talk about it. But sometimes you've gotta do things that you hate for the benefit of others. He's pretty sure both of them know plenty about that.

But he focuses on the easier(ish) part of this conversation first, then - "Steve," he says, with a sigh. "Both of them. Yours and mine. They're both Steve, just like we're both us." He motions between the two of them. "Your Steve is busy drinking himself stupid because his best friend won't give him the time of day, and my Steve's been through what I can only assume is the same shit as you, and neither of you deserved it. And it ain't about what anyone deserved, but it is about getting up and moving on, and I want to help you do that."

He pauses, looking the other Bucky over for a minute, before shrugging a little. "Maybe you already have. What the hell do I know. But Steve - both of 'em - sure hasn't." And the idea that this other Bucky Barnes doesn't care about that, even a little... maybe he is an entirely different person, with just the same face. But it's hard to believe that.

[sinistral]

He can tell that the other man is frustrated by his refusal. But it's going to stay a refusal, and partly because he doesn't like the idea of someone thinking they have a right to information that is, by nature, personal. The other part, the larger part, is that he simply doesn't wish to discuss the nature of his torture, the methods or details or anything — and that goes doubly so in a place like this, where he can't be sure what the Atroma can observe and what they can't. While Bucky hasn't seen any evidence of deliberate actions taken to injure people, he also doesn't wish to provide them any ideas.

The little frown is back, and this time he allows a little bit of confusion to bleed through his expression as well. He gets the distinct impression that they're having separate conversations, or perhaps two different versions of a conversation. "I don't own anyone. I've only met one person using that name. Are there others?" There's a brief pause, but Bucky doesn't have the crew listing for every ship in the Fleet memorized or anything stupid like that. He knows he hasn't interacted with the bulk of the Fleet; maybe that's normal and maybe it isn't, but he doesn't know if he'd believe anyone who claimed to know of absolutely everyone. Unless the claim came from someone like the Vision or Connor, perhaps; beings at least somewhat artificial, and for whom memory is slightly different. "It seems like Earth is a common enough origin planet, and Steve a common enough name on that planet at least. Maybe on others too. Can you specify?"

He really, honestly just does not know what the other man is talking about. Then again he keeps mostly to himself or his ship — that's why he'd been assigned a ship, hadn't it? To make it his priority, his primary function? And he certainly keeps his presence in the rest of the Fleet minimal at best, mostly because there's very little that he needs outside of what the Starduck can provide. Perhaps he's missing a crucial piece or two of information, things that this man must think he already has. But as it hasn't been pertinent to life on the Starduck, he hasn't considered it pertinent to himself or to the safety of his crew — who also seem to keep pretty much to themselves.

[stillgotmyleftarm]

Bucky lets out a slow breath. "That's not what I meant," he says, because... this is frustrating. But it's probably frustrating, he tries to tell himself, because he expects the guy to know exactly what he means, and of course he doesn't. They're the same person, but they're not the same person at the same time - they're more like twins. Brothers. Just because it's like talking to himself - and honestly, it's really, really not like talking to himself at all, and maybe that's helping make this clear - doesn't mean the guy is going to know what he means.

Bucky. His name is Bucky. Or - James, or Barnes, or whatever, but he's got a name. He's got a brain of his own. Experiences of his own. And a way of being fucking annoying and honest and open and closed all on his own, too.

"You're me," he starts again, slowly, "but if different things had happened to me." God, that's fucking hard to think about, but it's true. One different step, one different twist in the storyline, and this is what he becomes. Instead, this is what Steve is, now. It's enough to make him feel sick, but he pushes on or he'll never get his point across. "You have a best friend - or a person you've met, whatever. Named Steve. I have a best friend named Steve, too. He's the guy that the one you know would be, if what had happened to you happened to him instead."

He pauses. "Is this making sense?" Maybe it's better to stop and check, instead of getting the whole fucking thing out, only to get the same question again: Who are you talking about, and what do you mean?

[sinistral]

"It's what you said," he counters. "Words have power." Then again, he has a rather unique take on that statement, doesn't he? Not that his viewpoint makes it less true; words do have power, from the casual to the specific, and the words his apparent counterpart had chosen are no different. Perhaps it isn't entirely what he meant, but some of that meaning must ring true, else those words wouldn't have been spoken.

He's shaking his head at the next though. "I am not you," and while it's not exactly gentle, there is a calmness to it because he's not trying to make this into an argument. "Maybe a long time ago we might have been similar, if any of this alternative reality idea is actually true. But I am my own person." It's an idea that's important to him — that should be important to anyone, he thinks. No one should own another person, or pieces of another person. Of course that's not how it really works and he's certainly an extreme example of it, but it's an idea that has become important to his existence.

Of course, that does leave a problem: he has a best friend. He knows he does, because he read about it in the museum. He'd listened to the audio recording in the exhibit. But how can he have a best friend when he has no memories of the person with whom he's supposed to be best friends? When the most concrete thing he knows about the man that he thinks this other him means is a kill order? "I have people who know me, or think they know me, or have ideas about me." He pauses, glancing at the other man's eyes to make sure he understands what Bucky is trying to say. Words have power after all, and his are chosen very deliberately. "I have no idea who they are."

He shrugs at the question though — they're part of a space fleet for an alien reality show, does anything make sense? — tipping his head to the side before starting to walk. It's as much of an invitation as he'll give; he just doesn't like staying in one place for too long. It reminds him too much of stalking a target, and he has no intention of being one himself. The weather on this planet is mild enough to make walking pleasant, and he'd prefer continuing this conversation in motion instead of in front of the building.

[stillgotmyleftarm]

"Well... maybe it is what I meant," Bucky has to admit. "You've got each other, whether you wanna take advantage of that or not." He knows Steve does - Steve would but it sounds like this guy pretty clearly does not.

In which case, "No. You're not me. But I thought maybe... if we were the same, I might be a better bet as someone who might understand you." He pauses, and then - well, in for a penny, in for a pound. He might as well go for broke: "And you might be my best bet for someone who'd understand my Steve - a Steve who went through the same shit you did."

He watches the other Bucky for a long moment, considering the rest of what he'd said. "Sure. They know you, and you don't know them. But you know why that is? Because you're not making an effort to get to know them. They didn't know you either, once upon a time. You can always start over."

He gets that maybe it feels forced. But while it seems weird... it also seems like an easy way to make friends. Allies. Whatever. "You don't have to trust them. But you don't have to distrust them on principle, either, pal. Maybe they want to help. Maybe you should let 'em - or at least give them the chance to prove it."

[sinistral]

"I haven't decided what I want." Part of it is that he still hasn't sifted through his mind enough, still hasn't found the trust in himself to decide to trust other people. And part of it is that after his entire existence boiling down to ten words and a set of mission parameters, he simply doesn't want to interact with people. Or that when he does, it's on his terms and not for very long. Apparently it's another one of those things that makes him broken, at least in the eyes of everyone else. "A lot of people seem to want to make that decision for me though."

There's no animosity in the words. People are free to do and think and be who they want to be, or they should be at least. Freedom is important. It's why he says very little when these conversations come up, or avoids them altogether. That's a choice of freedom too, as is the conscious decision not to want to explain. It makes him wonder sometimes; he thinks that the people who push against the invisible barriers of these freedoms must never have had their own freedom so revoked.

He doesn't want to explain that either.

He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose and curses quietly in Russian as he walks; the language is well suited to it when it wants to be. It still feels like they're having two separate conversations and he's not entirely sure how to close the gap — or if he even desires to do so. It's probably at least part stubbornness, so maybe that really is somewhat consistent if this whole multiple versions thing is to be believed. He hadn't wanted to explain it like this, but he might not have a choice. "You insist that you want to understand. I don't think you can, but I also have the impression that you will not be satisfied until I say something, some deep dark thing about what I am. I will not give you that."

He lets his arms hang at his sides, shoulders rolling in a slight stretch for a moment. It's a little too warm in the sun for the jacket and gloves but that's fine. "You tell me that my best friend is a man named Steve. I have also read this in a museum exhibit, and in a history book, so I am taking it as a fact." He pauses with a slight frown, trying to sort out the words, to be precise in his meaning. "I have no memory of this man except that I met him on my last mission. His face is here now, but it's not exactly the same." Slightly different, and he's noted those differences in his journal with his other notes, but he still can't parse the information; there's simply not enough of it. "I do not mean dim memories. I do not mean willful ignorance to save embarrassment. I mean no memory; nothing at all. Do you understand that?"

[stillgotmyleftarm]

Honestly, maybe the weirdest thing of all is hearing Russian come out of his own mouth - except no, it's not his own mouth, and that's been pretty well established by now. It's not that Bucky is necessarily confused, or that he doesn't understand. He does - mostly. But maybe there really is a part of him that cannot and will not ever understand how a guy who looks like Bucky Barnes can exist in the world and not want to be friends with Steve.

Then again, there's the other Steve, who doesn't want to be friends with Bucky. So, "I understand," he says, but adds, "academically. I guess I just can't really get it to settle in my gut."

Because his intention is not - entirely - to push this guy on Steve. If that's just going to make everyone miserable, then it's a mistake, and one he wouldn't put either of them through. But the truth is, he does have a hard time understanding, and maybe he should learn to step back when it comes to Steve, but those were the one kind of fight that he never did learn how to pick and choose.

But really, what it comes down to is, "You don't have to - confess to me, or whatever. I guess I'm just saying if you want to - but you don't," he concludes, before the other can maybe insist again that he doesn't. Bucky can definitely get that he's certainly being told that. "So you don't, and I get that, too. Maybe I'm just trying to say that if you change your mind, for as long a I'm here, the offer doesn't expire." He frowns a little, but, "Can we settle on that? And then I step off and leave you alone and figure my own shit out myself, because it sounds like you aren't interested in helping, and I guess that means you really aren't."

Okay, maybe it's a little tiny bit snarky, because he is disappointed. But maybe who he's disappointed in is himself, more than this other version of him. He can't understand, and it's hard to stop pushing. He doesn't want to. But if this is how it's gonna go... "So you don't care if I'm friends with a guy you don't know, then," he adds, almost carefully, almost like a challenge. If this Bucky won't be Steve's best friend, then fuck trying to step back and let it happen between them.

Maybe that's just being selfish. Maybe there's no maybe about it. But where Steve will rarely let himself be selfish, Bucky has always had at least a little less of a problem with it.

[sinistral]

"Academically," he repeats. "Suppose I ask you why you are avoiding Kazimir. You don't know him, do you? You have no idea who this person is. You have no idea that he's supposed to be significant at all to you. But I'm insisting that you're avoiding him, you're shunning him, you're supposed to be friends with him, and I want to know why. What do you tell me, when you don't know this person? Should I treat this as some offense, or some unbelievable occurrence, because I know Kazimir and you do not?"

There's a pause in which he brushes an errant lock of hair behind his ear before continuing, looking the other man in the eye. "Should I judge you cruelly for not being the bosom companion to a man you have met here once, a man with whom you've exchanged maybe a dozen words? Should I judge that you want nothing to do with this person when your only interaction lasted a handful of minutes?" A beat. "These are not facetious questions. I would like to understand this viewpoint... but I do not need to. And I will respect if you do prefer not to answer."

It's a deliberate throwback to his own earlier comments about wants and needs. Maybe the other man will understand that, and maybe he won't. Although from the stress he's putting on the want, maybe he does get it. Or maybe it's a ploy to get what he wants, what Bucky does not want to give. "Maybe we are similar in some ways but I am not you, and you are not me. And this is good, because we are our own persons, and that is all anyone should be. Our similarity however does not automatically broker a trust between us. You are asking me, within a few minutes of meeting me, for something intensely personal and private. I will remember your offer and your request both, but you have not yet earned my trust."

The challenge in the other man's voice is clear, and he allows the confusion to show quite clearly on his face. "Why should anyone have any sort of say over who another person would choose as a friend?" His entire life — what he knows, at least — has been nothing but rigid, unwavering control, forced into carrying out missions with no choice in the matter. Perhaps he's taking it too far, or seeing things far too plainly, but for him it really is that simple. "What I would feel should have no bearing on what your head and your heart are telling you to do, yes? If you want to be friends with someone — anyone — I would think that to be between the two of you, not a third party. Is that not the nature of free will?"

[stillgotmyleftarm]

Honestly, if nothing else, hearing all of this - the logical, calm way the man is trying to explain, the things he clearly points out - just drives home, all the harder, how very similar they are not. And maybe it's Bucky's fault, he realizes, for falling into the trap of assuming that just because they have the same past, up to what is clearly a very specific and defining point, that they'd have some common ground. Some innate trust - some kind of connection.

But they don't. And it's also driving home, really, how his own Steve must feel - which yeah, okay, just makes Bucky feel ten times as shitty for everything that's happened there, too. "I think the only answer I can give you," he says carefully, watching the other man's face, "is that I really, really do not understand the depth of what happened to you. And I'm getting the idea that it would be ridiculous to even try."

Because, after all, "I can tell you that I'd like to think I'd give this Kazimir guy a chance. That I'd want to sit down with him and find out what he knows, what he thinks, and where we could meet in the middle. But that's just what I think I'd do, and without any of this actually happening to me, I don't know for sure. Maybe I'd react the way you are. Maybe I'd do what I think I would. But it's not fair of me to answer, the same way I guess it's not fair of me to ask."

He lets out a slow breath, finally tearing his eyes away from the face that is so like his own, and yet so very, very different. "Your Steve - the one you don't know. He needs a friend. And I want to be that friend. I want - " He stops himself there, because it's too personal to say that he wants Steve back. That he is being selfish. That it's stupid and probably a bad move, but that he wants to do it anyway. That he misses Steve so goddamned much, but he was trying to leave the door open for this Steve and this Bucky to make amends. That he didn't want to get in the way of that. But that if he's not... then fuck politeness.

That's probably what Steve would say, anyway.

"Let me ask you a question. If someone genuinely wanted to help you - if someone you trusted, not me, just someone you did trust, whoever they might be - said that there was something wrong with you and they wanted to help. If they asked you whether they could try to make things better for you. If you genuinely trusted them to have your best interests in mind, and see things you couldn't - what would you say?"

[sinistral]

"I wouldn't want anyone to understand it." The statement is not dismissive, nor is it derogatory. He doesn't think that this man is stupid or anything like that. There's just a rift between them that is very, very wide; the same rift that's between Bucky and almost everyone. Relating to others had never been his primary function under HYDRA; now, while he can blend into a group of people just fine, he certainly can't belong to one. "It's not something that could be understood without having the experience. I would not wish that on another person."

He shakes his head a little; it's not exactly the question he'd asked, but isn't that the summation of their entire interaction? "Life rarely seems to care about things like fairness; or at least that is our perspective of it." Sometimes it's the little things, things like the minor inconvenience of clothing that doesn't fit right about the shoulders. Sometimes it's the larger things, a man who doesn't know who he is anymore. Sometimes it's everything in between. The only thing Bucky knows for sure is that it is life, and that he thinks he would like to go on trying to figure out what shape his own should take.

He's also getting the impression that he's going to have to force the Steve issue at some point, because people keep mentioning Steve to him. It doesn't line up at all with his interaction with the man, a brief few minutes in the gym when Bucky split a punching bag and Steve offered to replace it. He's not sure what he's supposed to have gotten out of that few minutes of conversation. "If you want to be his friend, then why wouldn't you?" He pauses again, trying to express his thoughts carefully and precisely. "All I know about him is what I read in a museum exhibit. He's as much a stranger to me as half the people in this Fleet. I wouldn't begrudge you befriending any of them, so why would I stop you from this?"

The question gives him pause, because the idea of it is so fantastical that he doesn't quite know how to answer. "I don't know." He thinks he understands what the other man is asking, at least logically. And he certainly knows that he himself is broken. "I cannot imagine trusting anyone that much, so I don't know what answer I would give."

After a brief pause he looks over his companion from head to toe. "May I ask you a personal question?"

[stillgotmyleftarm]

Bucky just nods, because he gets that. Not exactly, obviously, but he gets having an experience like that - one that no one who hasn't been through it will understand, yet one you wouldn't wish on anyone, all the same. He's even had one or two, himself, and even though it's not a contest, he still isn't sure his would win out, even if it were.

Although - yeah, he snorts a laugh, because, "No. Life sure ain't fair. Lotta things would be different, if it was," he agrees. Because where to even start that list... but it doesn't matter. Life isn't fair, and that means you just work with what you have. Steve's the guy who always tries to make things fair. Bucky's always been the one who knows it's not, and he gets angry about it, sure. Wants to change it, sure. But he's always been a little more willing to work within the rules of the game than Steve, for better or for worse. It's just how they work - and how they work together.

Even if there are a hell of a lot of rules that Bucky wouldn't break for anyone but Steve. Sometimes, it feels like he's breaking a lot of them, just by what he's doing here. "I don't know," he says, in answer to the first question. "It just feels... like cheating," he finally admits, figuring he might as well be honest, if it's honesty he wants back. That's a Steve tactic, too, but one Bucky's tried to live by, since taking up the shield. If you're gonna ask for honesty, you'd better be willing to put out, yourself. "It feels like going back in time. Like not facing the music. Like I'm getting a second chance I really don't deserve to get."

But then, hey - life ain't fair. Sometimes it works in your favor. If this is actually in his favor. Honestly, he doesn't even know. Because maybe he's getting Steve back - but he's also getting his Steve back, and he has been through whatever unmentionable things this Bucky has, and it just makes him feel sick. Sick and guilty and useless. And then it really does start to feel like life is giving him exactly what he deserves, whatever the hell that is.

But still, the idea that this other version of him - and that his own version of Steve - can't even imagine trusting anyone like that... It's a hard, bitter, painful pill to swallow. But at least that answer seems honest, and as open as it can be, and, "That's an answer," he says, quietly. "It's just fine."

For certain definitions of fine, anyway.

Bucky frowns a little at the question directed at him, but - "I mean, hell. I've tried asking you plenty. Might as well - go ahead."

[sinistral]

"Possibly not in ways that would be better. There's not a sure way for us to know, is there?" Which is the thing behind any kind of what-if scenario: there's no way of knowing how exactly it could or would go. And there is very much the possibility of those what-ifs adding up to a nonexistence at all, as if those unspoken possibilities could suddenly be realized and just as suddenly snap a person out of existence. "And even if you could know, would you want to?"

It's a dangerous path in which to trap one's thoughts, disguised as an interesting thought exercise. He doesn't trust things like what-ifs — and the very idea of what-if applied to his life is painful. It's a private kind of pain though, one he neither wants nor needs to share.

He shrugs as the other man talks. For as hard as this conversation is, for as rough as it's gone thus far, there are some things about it that he really may be the ideal sounding board. The thing about most of his life being a blank even to himself means he doesn't have some of the hangups that others might. "Are you stopping yourself for you, or are you stopping yourself because my existence is a convenient excuse?" There is some curiosity behind the question because it does seem so far removed from anything he'd want to do. Then again there isn't really anyone in the Fleet to whom he would give the term friend. There are his shipmates certainly, and he feels a responsibility toward them in being their Security officer, and a respect for them in their respect for him and his idiosyncrasies. And there are a few others among the Fleet who have his respect. But the idea of a friend, the trust implied by the definition of the word, isn't something with which he's comfortable, and may not be for a long time. "You don't have to answer that to me, but you're giving me the impression that maybe you need to answer it to yourself."

If he is an excuse or not won't really bother him, he thinks. He doesn't — or at least shouldn't — have any control over what another person thinks or feels or does; it is not on him to do anything to change the behavior of another. But at the same time part of this conversation has been an attempt to get him to change his own behavior in regard to the silence he keeps about himself, hasn't it? The threads have the potential to be easily tangled, or so it seems, and there are already a few points that he wants to write down to better aid himself in sorting them out. Now however is not the time.

And while he doubts that his companion really means fine in terms of its strict dictionary definition, at least the other man seems like he will accept the answer as it had been given. So he chooses not to offer a counter to those words, and instead to ask the question for which he's been given permission. "What is your preferred name?" It might sound innocent, he's not sure, but to him the question feels very personal to even ask.

[stillgotmyleftarm]

"I guess it depends on your definition of 'better'," Bucky admits quietly. "But - no. There's no way to tell." Not really. There are a hundred thousand million ways things could turn out differently, and thinking about it too hard just gets you nowhere. He knows that. "It's probably better not to know."

He wonders, though, just for a second - don't they already know? Just a little, just by standing here and seeing each other, talking to each other... it's a glimpse at what might have been. It just feels awfully unfair, all around, though. Not better or worse. even if Bucky thinks he might take being this man over having what happened to him happen to Steve. But then, that's still cruel, isn't it?

And in the end, he can't change anything. So why even think about it? He can only change the future. Not the past.

Of course, it feels a lot like he's being called out, a moment later, and it makes him bristle in this way he doesn't like to think about too much. "You're not an excuse," he says, quickly, and he means it. He doesn't know what the right choice is, here, with regard to Steve, but he doesn't like the idea that he's looking for ways out of being friends. That's not what he's doing - God, he hopes that's not what he's doing. "I've just never been in this situation before," he finally says, because it's pretty much the truth. "There's not exactly a rulebook for having two of your best friend running around." It's fucking confusing, is what it is. Because they're both Steve. He cares for them both equally. And yet one wants to spend time with him, talk to him, and one keeps pulling away, wants space, won't talk. Of course he gravitates toward the former, but it doesn't mean he wants to leave the latter in his dust.

But really, it's the last question that he doesn't expect - more because to him, it's not a big deal at all. It's not an invasive question, and he blinks, looking like he was braced for something... well. Not that. "Uh. Well - Bucky, honestly," he says, quietly. "But I guess I've never been in the position to potentially have to share it with - someone else. If you want it... you were here first." he can go by - hell. What does he have that's just his? Cap sure isn't it, but Steve doesn't seem to use it much, either. He'd kind of hate it, but he'd make due. He feels like maybe this guy, right here, in front of him deserves to choose first. Deserves the name he wants more, if he had to fight to get it back. "Would you tell me what you prefer?"

[sinistral]

"Or of worse." He pauses, glancing at the other man. "Considering what our captors are apparently capable of doing." It's skirting the original direction of the question a little bit yes, but not meant in a malicious way. To him it is a legitimate concern: whatever their pasts or whatever their futures, they are somewhat in thrall to these Atroma now. Just the knowledge that these beings can pull pieces of their minds apart has him on edge, and has for a while.

But he does agree; it's likely better off not knowing. Omnipotence seems like one of those things that is both blessing and curse and he's pretty sure it's more the latter than the former.

His lips do quirk into something almost resembling a smile though. "I am an excuse. Or I can be, in certain ways, for certain things. It's convenient to some people." He's been convenient in a lot of ways for as long as he can remember: a convenient kill here and there, a convenient training tool for his indestructibility. A convenient experiment. So many conveniences that one more seems little enough of a burden. But never having been in this situation is something they share, at least in terms of what few similarities they apparently have. "If there was a rulebook, would you cater to it? Or would you do what you feel is right?"

Then again, he does have a unique viewpoint on life lived by the constraints of a book. And ten little words. He's not even really aware of his left hand curling into a fist at the thought, until one of the plates on the back of the palm catches against the leather at the inside of this glove and he has to force the digits to uncurl.

He shakes his head. "I don't need it." And it's true; he really doesn't. But he doesn't know if this other man will understand, and this is something, a small thing, that he is willing to explain. "I read it in a museum. It doesn't mean anything to me, doesn't belong to me. It seems pointless to take it from you for the sake of convenience."

That follow up question though has more of an impact than he'd anticipated. It's another decision he'll have to make, and he's sure it's another decision that other people will be all too willing to make for him. It makes his answer a little hesitant, and his caution likely shows clearly in the words. "I don't know. I haven't decided yet."

[stillgotmyleftarm]

Bucky laughs softly, but it's in agreement, because - yeah. He has no idea what the Atroma are truly capable of, and he'd really rather not test it. He doesn't like being here, doesn't like the idea of all these people being kidnapped and watched. Just because he's willing to stay for now doesn't mean he's okay with the premise of it all, but that's not the important part right now.

He watches the other, though, eyes a little more narrowed, if only because, "It seems like making yourself into an excuse is just as bad as making yourself be friends with someone else. That's not fair to you. You're a person. Not an excuse." Maybe Bucky wants things for him, but he's never not considered this man in front of him - well, a man. He is, no matter what someone else - HYDRA - might have told him otherwise.

Although his lips twitch up at the question, because, "I dunno. Steve's less likely to follow the rules than I am, if you want that bit of information. But I couldn't say. I guess I'd have to read it, first, and decide if it was bullshit or not." Even if it wasn't... most things with Steve require throwing the rules out the window, even if they are perfectly good rules. So maybe he can't really pretend he'd plan on following much of said rulebook, if it even existed.

He wonders if that's what the other man is thinking about at all, when his fist clenches like that. Probably not - if he claims he doesn't remember Steve, then Bucky believes him. Which makes him wonder - and worry - about what else might have him so tense, but he's certainly learned through this conversation that it's not really his place to ask. It's hard, but he stays quiet, and focuses on the matter of a name instead.

He can't say he's not a little relieved, in a way, when the other says he doesn't want it. That Bucky can keep it. But even still, "It does belong to you," he says, quietly. "You have as much right to it as I do, whether you remember it or not - but if you don't want it, if that's your choice, then I'll keep it. And - thanks." He smiles a little more. "I am used to it, and I would like to keep it." Maybe that's important to say, too, just like he goes on: "If you want to know more about where it came from - you can ask me." He feels obligated to offer, like he needs this other Bucky, or whatever he wants to be called, to know that his family history isn't lost if he wants to know it. But Bucky can also accept, now, even if he doesn't like it, that the other man may never ask. He has to be okay with that - or, at least, he has to be okay enough with it to move on.

And as for the lack of alternative options, "I can't blame you - if someone asked me out of the blue what I wanted to be called, and I didn't already have a name I was used to, I don't think I'd know, either. Honestly, it sounds kind of daunting, to decide. Maybe I'm gettin' off easy."