02. | All lies and jests; still a man hears what he wants to hear

[sinistral]

Who: (Winter Soldier) Bucky Barnes (sinistral)
Broadcast: No
Action: Yes; SS Starduck, SS Iskaulit, B'lire
When: From the start of the post-calibrations drift to visiting the new planet

---

SS STARDUCK
→ Reacclimation;

The time spent aboard the Marsiva had been uncomfortable, to put it politely. Bucky still doesn't believe it, not really, when they're returned to their own ships; it comes with staying awake for the first twenty-four hours just to make sure this isn't a dream or a trick of the mind. Considering the state of his mind, he's not entirely convinced, but it does seem a little bit elaborate to just be a part of the Calibrations.

And if this is truly the ship, if they are truly back to what passes for daily life around here, then it has to start with checking over everything. Maybe he's taking the whole idea of Security a bit too literally but now that he's had some time to think about it, he can only conclude that his presence and assignment here is due only to what he is. What HYDRA turned him into has made him valuable; if he performs his role well, perhaps the switch inside his brain won't be flipped. So for that reason he's combing all of the ships nooks and crannies, looking for anything that might be out of order or out of (what passes for) the ordinary. He won't enter a crewmate's quarters without being asked to do so though; he sees it as too much an invasion of privacy.

When he's finally satisfied and no longer has that activity to occupy his mind, Bucky heads to the workout area in the cargo bay. He doesn't know which former crewmembers had seen to the upgrades of the equipment there, but he's thankful to be able to take advantage of it once more. And, judging by the force behind his punches, to do his best to attempt to break it. There's a lot of frustration to work out, enough so that it's definitely palpable. Call him out on it? Try to keep up? Pity the amount of protein solid he's going to have to consume to compensate for all those burned calories?

SS ISKAULIT
→ Work It Out;

Bucky really only has one goal in mind in coming to the Iskaulit: to push himself in a way he can't with the limited facilities on the Starduck, to force the body into exhaustion since the brain won't accept any other sort of quiet. That it's not the healthiest pursuit doesn't matter. As long as it works, it's fine. And he'll make it work.

He tries to choose odd hours if possible, hours that coincide with the times he'd expect most people to be sleeping and the facility to be empty. It doesn't always work in his favor but as long as there's a heavy bag or a speedbag available he stays, alternating time spent against the bag with weights. And if the facility appears too busy for his liking, he simply leaves with the intention of returning later.

→ Art Appreciation;

Though most of his time spent aboard the Iskaulit is spent in the gym, it's not the only reason Bucky visits. He hardly appreciates heavy-handed attempts at steering his actions but whether it had been the Vision, or the Atroma acting through the Vision, the scene he'd been shown of the mural aboard the Iskaulit has not faded from his memory. That in and of itself is significant enough for him to seek out the mural he'd been shown, to find its location and maybe figure out why it's so important.

Seeing it doesn't bring him any answers.

It's a nice enough work of art he supposes; he's not one for appreciation of the arts, and he's got no skill in them himself. He can draw a rough map though, so the next time he visits, he brings along a journal and starts copying down that section of the wall he was shown aboard the Marsiva, mapping it out in rough lines on the paper. It's not a good drawing, more a diagram than anything else, but it's good enough for his purposes, good enough for him to write down his thoughts (questions, mostly) on the next few pages. And it's a good enough place to sit quietly, back against the wall because even here, in a place that's supposed to be peaceful, he's defensive and closed off more than anything else.

PLANETSIDE
→ Hunting;

It's more than a literal breath of fresh air to get off the ships and onto solid ground again. It's not that Bucky doesn't do well with being cooped up; it's more that the close quarters with others — even his shipmates — and the happenings on board the Marsiva have him feeling like a caged animal. And like a caged animal, his first instinct is to lash out; fortunately, the punching bags have held up against such expulsion of energy. So far, anyway.

Fortunately, this system's planet seems well suited to his kind of stress relief.

He's a regular in the wooded areas both for the exercise of hiking and the action of hunting. Ghosts or supernatural beings or whatever, he'll keep an eye out for them just fine, but it's the more substantial creatures that he makes his prey. People are willing to pay both for pelts and for the meat from carcasses; it seems a good use of his time.

→ Shopping;

Man certainly can't stay in the woods all the time and while Bucky's no stranger to wilderness survival, it'd be foolish not to take advantage of the offerings available via trade. And not all goods are physical; there's certainly something to be said for the pursuit of information, even though little enough of it seems to pertain to anything outside of this world's particular customs. Still he asks, here and there, unsatisfied by the answers but unwilling to stop trying.

He's examining wares at a particular establishment, carefully testing the weight and balance of a hunting knife while keeping half his attention on the conversations of the building's other occupants. It's when he overhears stories of a metallic man that he decides to take his leave; local legend or not, it definitely sounds like something he'd rather avoid being tangled up in and he's glad to have kept the habit of wearing long sleeves and gloves when going planetside. It's just easier to avoid the questions that he doesn't want to answer.

WILDCARD
→ Elsewhere;

Did we discuss something and I forgot? Have another idea? I'm open to almost anything, hit me up via PM or at sometimesamuse and we'll figure out out. I do write starters in prose but if you prefer brackets I'm happy to match.

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki huffs, though he doesn't take it to heart. ]

I'm not one to be satisfied easily. Mostly because I had to fight to keep what I had.

[sinistral]

What use is a soldier when there's no war to fight?

[The question is directed more to himself than to Loki; it's a question to which Bucky hasn't found his own answer yet either.]

It would surprise me if you did admit to easy satisfaction; I don't take you as being so shallow.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki blinks at that. ]

What makes you only a soldier?

[ shallow though. he's definitely that,,, at times,,, ]

Perhaps. Though I have my moments.

[sinistral]

Compromise.

[Or: it’s complicated.]

I think this is where I remind you that you are the sum of all your moments, not just a selected few.

[dothelokimotion]

As long as you're not compromising yourself for what is known.

[ it's easier to slip into a role you know. he chuckles at that. ]

True. I have been so many things. Prince, villain. Pawn and player. I've seen the end so many times and it never ends, all the same. I keep surviving and I keep having to restart my journey.

[sinistral]

More looking for a balance between the weapon I am and... whatever else there is.

[It’s strange for someone to seem to understand it so well. Then again, there are a lot of strange things about this place.]

And your favorite now? To contain yourself in only a few words?

[dothelokimotion]

Is it balance or direction?

[ he can imagine being a soldier at least offered that comfort of productivity. he pauses, though. he recalls what he said to thanos before death. god of mischief. rightful king of jotunheim. odinson. he rubs his palm, an old habit. as if to scrape away the skin underneath. ]

. . . I like my name. Loki. I have many titles but my name has never changed.

[sinistral]

Both. And neither.

[Sometimes it depends on the day. Sometimes the very minute. Right now it also depends on the shape of their conversation, which has crossed waters both shallow and deep and has been surprisingly enjoyable.]

It’s a hard thing to take, a man’s name. [He knows it better than most.] I’m glad to know yours.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki's not one for blushes and whatnot, but the bare tips of his ears go a little pink. he's always been weak to acknowledgement of any kind. ]

Can I — have the privilege of using yours?

[sinistral]

[He’s certainly not going to be called out for it!

That question though is a little bit harder to answer.]

I said it was a hard thing to take away a man’s name. I didn’t say it was impossible.

[dothelokimotion]

[ it's not like him, but he reaches out to touch the knuckles on bucky's hand, finger-light, just to let him know he was there. ]

What do you prefer then?

[sinistral]

I don't know.

[He looks down at that brief touch, trying to figure out how to interpret it. He's not sure what it means, if it's supposed to mean anything more than his companion reaffirming his presence, but it's... almost nice.]

I had a name once, but there is another man here who shares that name, so I gave it up because it's not really mine. I had a designation but there's another man who took that designation and made it something different, so I gave it up too, because I can't be that different thing. I don't really have anything left, so I'm nameless.

[dothelokimotion]

[ softly. ]

You could choose your own name. Make it yours. There's no reason you should remain a nameless thing.

If you cannot take back what once was yours, you can take new things and make them yours.

[sinistral]

I could. I have considered it. But I don't know enough of what I want to be, to make that decision.

[What goes unsaid is that there are plenty who seem to want to make that decision for him, or push him toward a decision, because they do not understand.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ ah. loki takes a minute. ]

A name doesn't necessarily imply what you should be. A name can be simple. Like a flower you like or a place you enjoy. It can be anything. The identity comes later.

[sinistral]

I don't have anything like that. I know that probably sounds strange.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki shakes his head. ]

Not particularly. But perhaps you could look around your surroundings. See if something catches your eye. And then make it your own.

[ he gestures to the artwork. ]

You enjoyed the arts, whether you understood it or not. Even a colour can be a place of meaning.

[sinistral]

I suppose that's a little bit of what I'm trying to do. So far nothing has made enough of an impression on me to choose it.

[He shrugs.]

I think it bothers others more than it does me. I am more used to not having a name than I am to having one. To become that person who doesn't exist is easy.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki glances at him at that. ]

But do you want to exist?

[ for loki, not existing, not being remembered is terrifying. it scares him far more than death ever will. ]

[sinistral]

Sometimes. And sometimes not.

[It’s hard to explain really, and he’s not sure if he could put it into adequate words if asked. It probably doesn’t make sense to anyone else, but he’s also convinced that there’s something fundamentally wrong with him anyway, something that goes deeper than just what HYDRA made him.]

[sinistral]

I suppose I can choose to exist at least when I’m in your company. If you don’t mind a nameless person.

[dothelokimotion]

[ he smiles faintly, pleased. ]

Of course not. I would not mind that at all.

[sinistral]

[There’s a little surprise at that smile; he hadn’t thought it would truly matter that much to someone he’s really only just truly met.]

When I figure out if I can be more than that, I will let you know.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki squeezes his hand before pulling back. ]

Take your time.