driftfleet | mission 02: voice, action

Entry tags:

mission 02: voice, action

Who: ~~Steve~~ Rogers (AU)
Broadcast: Fleet
Action: Heron or Iskaulit; Work, Art Therapy, Gym
When: During drift

broadcast
If you could have any name, would you keep your own or pick something new?

action
[ If you're looking for this former star-spangled menace, he can generally be found one of two places. On the Heron, attending to his ship responsibilities, or on the Iskaulit, tentatively settling in with newer responsibilities. He can often be found in the gym, preferably at odd hours, and it's not inconceivable he might wander into the art therapy room to see what it's all about. ]

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[ He doesn't want to ask this. He really, really doesn't, but he makes himself say the words anyway. ]

Are you going to stop talking to me?

Of course not - [Bucky starts to burst out - and then stops.]

Do you want me to?

I don't know. [ He looks away for a moment, at something off-screen, then back to Bucky. ] It feels like all I'm doing is making you angry. Or hurt.

And I don't want to keep doing that.

St- Grant, [Bucky says, even if the name sounds weird in his mouth, when it's his best friend's face on the screen, no matter what's happened to it in the interim.]

Yeah. You make me angry. And hurt. But you know why?

'Cause I care about you, dumbass. So it's me. Not you.

That make sense?

[ ~~Steve~~ Grant shakes his head, no pretence of thinking it over, or even of agreeing. He's found that, with Bucky at least, it's easier to lay some of his cards down on the table. Enough information for the other man to follow along, without tipping his hand to everything underneath. ]

It doesn't. But if I tell you why we're just going to argue again. And I'm tired of that. [ more than tired. exhausted. ] We're not ... it's like yelling across a bridge. I wish I had the words to make you understand.

[ unfortunately, he doesn't have the words to understand himself yet either. which is part of the problem. ]

Edited 2019-04-23 00:07 (UTC)

[Bucky laughs softly. Fondly.] That's maybe the smartest thing you've ever said, pal.

I know I don't get it. That fuckin' hurts, too. I'm sorry it wasn't me. I - hate that it wasn't me. It should have been. It could have been.

[Given the other two Bucky Barneses here... maybe should is the better word.]

I'm not angry at you. And I don't want you to avoid me if the only reason you're doing it is because you think it will make me less angry.

[ He shakes his head. ] It shouldn't happen to either of us. Or anyone else for that matter. Shouldn't happen at all.

[ Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Easy to say, nearly impossible to make happen. And he can't live in a fairy tale. ]

I'm tired of hurting people, Barnes. That's all I've done for as long as I can - remember. And I'm sorry I keep hurting you specifically.

[ It draws another thread into this already complicated business. ]

No, [Bucky agrees, quietly.] It shouldn't. But it did.

[And, more quietly still:] I'd rather have you here to hurt me than not around at all.

Yeah. [ he sighs, ] It did.

You know, that's a really fucked up thing to say. Maybe you should get your head checked.

[ it's maybe an awkward moment of humor. and quiet advice, from someone who also probably needs his head checked. ]

Yeah, I know, [Bucky says, and there's a bit of defeat under his voice, but also a bit of teasing, because,] I don't think they'd even know where to start, buddy.

It still wouldn't change, anyway. I'm telling the truth.

[Bucky's not often open with his feelings. But when he is, he can be brutally honest. Sometimes it's really the only way you can get through to Steve.]

End of the line, pal. I think this is the middle, at worst.

[ he physically flinches at the reminder, although maybe it's because he might be expecting a relapse. If that code phrase was enough to pull him out, maybe it's enough to retrigger his mindless state. ]

Anyone ever accuses you of being an optimist, tell 'em to talk to me. [ Grant finally says, his voice a little hoarse from keeping his emotions in check. ]

[Bucky does chuckle softly at that.] I'll keep that in mind.

[But he feels bad - he saw that flinch, and he can hear the tension in the other's voice. Much though he wants to keep him on the line, he knows he should give Steve - Grant - time to process. And maybe himself, too.]

Look, you - take care of yourself, okay? Or try. Just... eat and get some sleep and maybe do something that's, y'know, not killing people every once in a while. We can talk later. Whenever you want - and it's okay if that's not for a while, all right? But I do want to talk. No matter how it makes me feel.

I haven't killed anyone since they brought me here.

[ his voice is quiet, with maybe a teensy hint of censure. he's not steve as bucky knew him, but he's not a mindless killing machine either. ]

I'll keep that in mind. [ and maybe a stealth troll. ] See you around, Barnes.

That I know of.

[He's teasing - teasing. He's smiling and everything. Please get that he's teasing.]

Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you, Grant.

[ Steve just gives him a look and something approximating a sigh, then shuts the feed on his end. ]

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mission 02: voice, action

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