001 ↯ audio/action

[feathery]

Who: Davesprite and Jade Harley and all y'all.
Broadcast: Fleetwide.
Action: Chilling on the hospitality deck of the Marsiva (with one or both of them, at your preference).
When: Right here, right now.

Sup. [A generic greeting, from a voice a little monotonous and a little bored and probably owned by a teenage boy. That kind of affected carelessness has its tells.]

Has anyone seen a sword. It's sharp, and it's awesome, and it's a fuckin' sword. Which also kind of doesn't belong to me, so returning it asap would be cool, thanks. [There's a beat.] Oh, and if y'all could direct your attention out the nearest window, that would be ace.

[For anyone who actually does as asked, they will be treated to a variety of washed out orange watermarks of a teenage boy's face, somehow plastered against the abyss of space. The kid is wearing sunglasses and might have feathers? Weird. One of the watermarks is definitely giving the ships a thumbs up.]

Feel free to leave feedback on the quality of your experience here.

[And then, when Davesprite is finished talking, another voice pipes in. It belongs to a teenage girl, tone pleasant but distinctly baffled.] Also, hi! My name's Jade, and I am actually really surprised to be here, but I guess I shouldn't assume there's a limit on how many weird worlds one person can get dragged to, huh? I thought it'd be silly to broadcast my own message when Davesprite's standing right here and doing one, too, soooo...if anyone has heard of Asgard, that's where we just came from, and if not, then I guess we really look forward to getting to know all of you!

[For anyone on the hospitality deck of the Marsiva, they'll find one or both of the kids just hanging out. One tall, normal-looking blond kid, save for the sunglasses indoors and black crow wings sticking out of his back, and one normal-looking, buck-toothed girl in glasses, only she has white dog ears on her head.]

Comments

[delincuente]

Nope. I mean, this one asshole managed to link us all to Blingee, but apparently that's it.

[The worst news yet.]

[feathery]

[It really is.]

How can you have Blingee, but not the rest of the internet. What do the assholes running this poorly thought out space experiment expect everyone to do besides possibly die of boredom.

[delincuente]

Dude, Blingee is eternal. One day all the humans'll be gone, and the whole world is just gonna be this bleached cow skull, with rhinestone sunglasses and a "SWAG" necklace.

[feathery]

Welp. At least that means we left our mark. The collapse of the universe itself couldn't wipe shit that fine from existence. Doesn't keep me from stumbling assfirst into a continued internetless existence, but I guess I'll consider it a compromise. Sort of.

[A beat.]

So how do I access Blingee with this piece of shit.

[delincuente]

Just go back on the network till you see a post from a douchebag named Crowley, about a week ago. Creepy face, sunglasses in the daytime. You can't miss him.

[She's not intentionally making a jab with the sunglasses part. But she'll sure laugh when she sees him in person.]

... So you're from Earth? I'm just guessing.

[feathery]

[Hey, as long as his face remains not-creepy.]

Yeah, Earth. I guess it's a popular tourist attraction, or planet in general. Interdimensional dumping grounds just seem to consistently skimp out on versions where the internet exists. I swear most of the stooges I've met have never seen a movie before.

[And, at the tail end, half mumbled to himself:]

Oh shit, he even made popups.

[delincuente]

Of course he did. Dude's a demon, he probably invented those.

[She's most likely correct, to be honest.]

But really, though. Last place I got stuck in had, like, unlimited genie wishes, but no cell phones. I haven't held a cell phone in three years, it's probably having some sort of negative effect on my health.

[feathery]

No shit. I guess hell understands my aesthetic.

[He probably shouldn't be impressed by this, but he is.]

Wait, where did you get stranded before, besides Shit Tech Central. Is that common for everyone here. Getting trapped in alt dimensions, I mean.

[delincuente]

Paradisa. The ugly backside of fake Fantasyland.

[Okay, so it was pretty posh, and the food was fantastic. But then it had to go and kill her.]

I-D-K man, I didn't know till recently that there were more than two of these hellholes.

[feathery]

What's the other one besides Paradisa. Dumb name, by the way. And misleading as fuck if it couldn't even cook up a decent substitute for the internet.

[Davesprite will happily pass on the killing part, but he'll just metatextually experience jealousy over the good food.]

[delincuente]

This one, I mean. I was in Para for three crappy years, then I got dragged here. And now suddenly all these people are talking about their other home sweet prisons. It's like we're all just bouncing some inter-dimensional foster care system.

[feathery]

Shit, yeah. I guess it's not as surprising as it should be, though, after hailing from one of the aforementioned foster homes and chilling between dimensions before that. But it's kind of annoying when Asgard was like, "Hey, we win this war and we'll send you back whence you came," when this is definitely not whence I came.

[delincuente]

Dude, a war? That sounds almost as un-fun as the velociraptors.

[Shit son let's compare inter-dimensional foster homes.]

[feathery]

I think you forgot to mention the part where you visited Jurassic Park.

[If only the Dave who aspired to be a paleontologist when he grew up could hear this now.]

[delincuente]

Yeah, Paradisa would do this stupid thing where, like, every couple of months it would send us to some ridiculous nightmare location, where we'd get mauled by dinos or turned into pirates or something.

[She doesn't even want to talk about the talking pony world.]

Give me a war any day.

[feathery]

Did you literally get kidnapped by a portal into alt dimensions. Because not only does that sound dumb, it also sounds pointless as fuck.

[Alex, no. Tell him about pony world so he can ??? into eternity.]

Like we had these things called curses that sometimes made people hork up apple juice booze or turn into catboys, but that was so. I dunno. The city could magically feed off their emotional distress.

[delincuente]

You know, no one ever put it that way, but that's probs what it was. Dino dimension, pirate dimension, talking pony dimension [THERE YOU GO DAVE, ???? AWAY]. Just toss us into one and laugh evilly.

[At the mention of the curses though, she pulls a horrified face.]

Oh my god, we had those too. Like, I got turned into a valley girl once. But we also had permanent ones that just made our whole lives miserable.

[feathery]

Wait, back up a second and then we can move on to the permanent curses.

Talking pony dimension??? [The extra question marks are practically audible.]

[delincuente]

[War flashbacks.]

It was awful. They were all rainbow colors and happy singing.

[feathery]

Did they have random symbols stamped across their backsides.

[delincuente]

Yeah.

[Wait, what.]

How did you know?

[feathery]

You've got no idea how much my bro loves My Little Pony. Or at least one of them. Rainbow Dash, I think.

[Some of Dirk's traits completely mystify Davesprite. This is one of them.]

[delincuente]

Oh my god, you mean it's a thing? Like, in your world?

[Thanks to fourth wall restrictions in Paradisa, Alex does not know about MLP. Thanks for ruining that for her, man.]

Don't tell me you have one of those weird butt stickers too.

[feathery]

[Davesprite doesn't know about Harry Potter because he was friends with Draco and Harry in Asgard, so...maybe one day he'll know that feel.]

Oh my god, no. Please take back those thoughts so I don't have to unintentionally go imagining them. I'm a bird, not a horse.

[WHY IS HE THINKING OF ARQUIUSPRITE???]

[delincuente]

... You're a bird?

[She is squinting at the communicator. Maybe that's why he picked audio.]