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Entry tags:

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Who: Anders and Open
Broadcast: Yes (Day after action)
Action: Malum
When: The action takes place a day or so after this happens and the broadcast takes place the next morning

Action
[It hadn't been his first thought to go to the bar. Not even fourth or fifth, but it had popped up eventually. When everything became too much all at once. His clinic was too quiet despite not changing, he was too vulnerable despite not being in any danger. Everything had changed and he hadn't even considered how much until Justice was gone.

Anders went to the only place he could think to go. True, the Space Bar might be a better environment for noise, but Fenris was exactly the last person he wanted to accidentally run into tonight, so Crowley's bar it was. The sound of other people was helpful, at least. And the first drink he basically inhaled helped more. It made it easier to ignore how that persistent hum at the back of his mind was gone, how there wasn't a flux and flow of emotions not quite his own always licking at the edges of his thoughts, how there was only one set of feelings and opinions about everything now left in his head. He'd foolishly tested, half hoping to feel the burst of righteous anger and power as his thoughts drifted to blood magic and the plight of mages and every damn other thing he'd spent the last ten years fighting for.

Suddenly...it was like it had been someone else's problem. Someone else's fight. Like before.

He didn't like it.

He ordered another drink.]

Something strong this time. If it burns my taste-buds into ash, even better.

Voice
[There's a side-effect to drinking. One he hadn't had to deal with in roughly a decade. But, oh, was he dealing with it now. And every time he tried to send a pulse of healing magic into his own head, the hangover he was nursing would just pulse brighter and pang harder and make him think maybe a broodmother would be a blessing right now. It could kill him viciously and in some disgusting way and it would be far kinder than what his head was doing to him.

Perhaps Justice had been doing him a kindness all those years after all. Maker have mercy.

He turned on the broadcast, clumsily hitting video and then voice so a flicker of his disheveled and pathetic appearance can be seen to those who happen to be looking at the time, but then it's gone again and replaced with his voice. Which wasn't really in any better shape.]

Does anyone have any...faster ways with dealing with hangovers? I'd normally take care of it myself but...well, I can't. And thinking isn't too easy right now, so any help would be appreciated. Smartass comments are not, however. Thanks.

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[There's no voice, no words of comfort or belligerence. Nope.

All there is, is the unyielding sound of pots and pans being very deliberately clanked together.

Eventually, they stop.

Just kidding, they've started again. ]

[He doesn't have to ask who this is, he doesn't even need to ask where he is, because he can imagine exactly where Fenris might have gone to get pans to be an obnoxious fuck with.

So he's going to go there too.

Whoops a lightning spell might have just slipped it's way into the air and aimed right for Fenris.

What a shame.]

[If there's one thing Fenris is acutely aware of, it's magic. More to the point, avoiding magic. He hears the crackle, feels the pressure in the air change as the spell is formed, and casually sidesteps in incoming bolt. It hits the wall and leaves a scorch mark.

Fenris turns to look at Anders, faintly amused.]

That was rude.

[Dammit. He briefly had the thought that if he poured enough mana into the floor, he could potentially heat it with his fireball spell to the point of making the elf severely uncomfortable...unfortunately, mana and hangovers didn't work well together and he imagined the pay off wouldn't be nearly as worth it.

Fenris' comment is met with a glare and a less than impressed tone.]

Oh, and waking the dead with your damn ruckus wasn't? Don't even pretend it wasn't deliberate, you raging ass.

Perhaps you needed to have the entire hangover experience. Given you have not had one for so long. It would be awful if you missed out on that. An absolute tragedy, in fact.

[It was absolutely fucking deliberate. He's not even going to hide it. ]

How kind of you. I'll be sure to remember it.

[And get him back, somehow, someway.]

Not that I'd expect you to care enough to think to ask how I might have a hangover when I couldn't before, but perhaps you'd like to know that Justice is gone.

I know you'd talked to H- Adalwolfe about it.

I already guessed. What with the hangover and all. I had noticed you'd never been able to drink before, you know? Varric did drag us to the Hanged Man a lot.

[The smugness abruptly halts. Being even slightly pleasant to Anders makes him feel like he needs a shower, but he supposes this is something that must be said. Just get it done quickly, like lancing an unpleasant wound. ]

I- I must admit, I'm surprised you went through with it. I was not sure that you would.

[He doesn't quite know how to handle this. When Anders came here he was younger, Justice had not possessed him then. He'd been...almost tolerable. Now Justice is gone, but the marks the spirit left in the man are no doubt still there. Fenris is a little curious about what sort of person has been left behind. ]

[He...admittedly, was surprised Fenris had noticed anything about him at all. He wouldn't have guessed.

But what Fenris says has him pausing. It was far kinder than he'd come to expect from the elf. And, to his surprise and slight discomfort, there were no biting words aching to leave his mouth, no derision or anger. It all felt faint like a memory. Where there should have been anger, there was only a layer of anxiety, that hole Justice had left.

He'd never known Fenris without Justice in his mind and unlike Hawke, they'd always been at odds. He didn't know what to do now that the feeling was far more faint than the sharp needling it'd been before.]

I needed to. We never should have merged, it was bad for us both. It was bad for a lot of people.

[Something in him twisted uncomfortably as he realized that was likely the most honest he'd been with Fenris in nearly a decade of knowing him. Barring his time when he was younger and...far different.]

[Fenris had spent his life observing. A slave who couldn't predict their masters moods were swiftly punished for their failures. Fenris never needed to give Hadrina even more reason to torment him than for her own twisted amusements. It's a habit that never really goes away.

The elf shifts his feet, uncomfortable, wary. These are unfamiliar waters, for him and Anders- he's not entirely sure how it will all pan out. ]

That's a rather colossal understatement.

[The usual biting sarcasm in his tone is dulled somewhat. He lets out a soft exhale. It won't fix things back home, it won't rebuild the Kirkwall chantry, or undo the civil war ravaging Thedas. But it's...something.

As negative as he feels about Justice, about how Anders allowed himself to become an Abomination- he can at least understand that a sacrifice was made there. ]

Where did the spirit go?

[He really wanted to call it a demon, but for now, he just grits out the other word. He's still not convinced Justice was really a true spirit any more- instead something corrupt-something teetering between two states of being. It probably wouldn't have been long before it turned into Rage. And then what? ]

[Anders could tell Fenris was practically spitting the word 'spirit' out, but the fact he said it at all and not 'demon' as he usually did was something. He felt almost a sense of gratitude towards the attempt...and he had no idea what he was even supposed to do with that feeling.

He didn't even have a waspish response about his 'understatement.' Fenris wasn't wrong, there just wasn't another way to phrase it that came to mind.]

The Fade, supposedly. That's where Allen said he would go and he's certainly not around here, so I'll just have to accept that. He 'cured' Justice's corruption as well, put him back to the way he was supposed to be.

Unless Atroma decides to bring him back in the body he originally possessed for some twisted reason, I don't think he'll be around again.

[Which was for the better. In that case, there was relief even if the loneliness still clawed at the edges.]

Good. It is better for both of you if it remains that way.

[Away from Anders, where it can't harm anyone again. Where Anders might actually be able to piece something together of his life without having that blighted spirit pulling the strings on occasion.

He hopes if it ever did show up (something he could never put past Atroma) Anders would have the sense not to allow it in again. Fenris stares off into the middle distance for a moment, before letting out a haggard sigh. Something has been playing on his mind since Wolfe told him of their plans to separate Anders and Justice. He never really thought he'd talk about it with anyone- and certainly never Anders, of all people. And yet, here he is. ]

Someone here offered to take the lyrium brands away, a while ago.

I know.

[It would be better. He hoped and prayed Justice simply stayed in the Fade and found the peace he deserved. He didn't need to be brought here simply for another's entertainment.

But then Fenris says something that jars him out of his thoughts and leaves his shock clear across his face.]

And you didn't take them up on it? Why not? I thought you hated them!

I do.

[He shifts uneasily, trying to find the right words to explain it. ]

I had many reasons for it. That it would leave me at a disadvantage, that the man offering to do it was a man who kept a slave here in the Fleet- but while they were true, they were only part of the way.

[He hated Robin. Despised him, but he couldn't lay all of his decision on that. Maker knows, the man was trying, even if Fenris had closed the door between them the second he learned Robin was keeping Nel as a slave. That door could never, would never be opened again. ]

...But honestly, I was afraid. I gave up my whole former life for these markings, everything that was me vanished when I was branded. For a long time, all I was, all I could be, were linked to them. I- feared what I would be left with, without them. That I may have ended up being...nothing.

[Danrius's work on him had gone deep. Even now, with the life he's eeked out for himself amongst the stars, he still doesn't know if he could do it. If he could let go of that fear. That, in giving up the brands, he would be left with nothing of value in himself at all. Removing them wouldn't bring his memories back. Who would he be without them? Not Leto. Not Fenris. Just...no one. ]

What I mean to say is...I understand the choice you were faced with. And, on this occasion, you were the braver man than I.

[Ugh. He feels like he needs a shower. Or a drink. Maybe both. ]

[He couldn't even be sour about the emphasis put on 'on this occasion,' he'd listened too intently, far more intently than he suspected he'd ever listened to Fenris...and what he'd heard sounded like an echo.

'Two sides of the same coin.' His Varric had said that to him once, to which Anders had thrown a bit of a fit until Varric changed the subject. But he could see it now.]

I understand. [When had he last said those words to Fenris? Before, when he'd been younger and without Justice? He couldn't remember another time. They'd seen eye-to-eye on all of two subjects ever and never one...like this.]

What was done...it didn't just take Justice's influence, it took the Taint too. Not only am I without the spirit that's been with me a third of my life, but I'm not even a Grey Warden anymore. I know I'd left them but...it's still different somehow.

[And he can't believe he's telling this to Fenris. He was sober and spilling his guts about something he was hesitant to even talk to Hawke about.

"Take away the Templars and Justice and how much is left?"]

I don't know what's left.

[He felt sick for plenty of reasons and if his hangover wasn't still clinging to the edges of his mind, he might consider turning around and going right back to Malum. He was going to regret this question, he was certain, but he could feel it slipping quietly from his grasp.]

What would you do?

[Fenris isn't used to this. Talking so frankly with Anders, letting his ever-present guard around the man down. The last time he had offered any kind of help to Anders back home was after Anders began to realise just how little control of Justice he had left. But he was too far gone to listen - just as Fenris had been when they met, when Anders still had it in him to offer any kind of help.

Where Fenris had begun to build his life back up again, Anders had plummeted downwards. For a moment, back in Kirkwall, they had almost met on the same level, but it had gone in a second. Now, it seems, they have met on it again. ]

I know Atroma has the power to stop the Taint, or at least, prevent it from spreading. Interesting that the Taint went with it.

[One less thing to deal with, anyway. Fenris stills when Anders asks him that question. He hadn't been expecting his opinion to matter much at all to the mage. He shuffles his feet, staring down at them as he contemplates his answer. Finally, he looks back at Anders. ]

Take stock. Look at what you have, who you have, and reevaluate it. Try to see how it will work with the life you have now, compared to how it was then. Focus on what will work, what will help you grow. Try your best to let go of anything left behind that will cause you harm- bad memories, doubt, hate. I assure you, those things will never get easier to carry, and if you don't learn to deal with them, they will consume you.

[Advice he wishes he knew how to take himself, really. He's been trying, Maker, he's been trying. But he knows it's easier said than done. ]

You likely have more left than you realise, Anders.

[He didn't know what he was expecting, nothing considering he shouldn't have asked in the first place, but the advice given is likely the best he could hope for. There wasn't a true answer to this, but what Fenris suggested seemed as good a place to start as any.

He nods.]

I'll work on that, then.

[This was not what he'd expected when he'd come down here. This was not even something that he had entertained as a potential conversation between them. Maybe once, in the early days when he'd tried to reach out only to have his hand snapped at like he'd been trying to approach a rabid dog. He'd imagined quite a few scenarios where they maybe finally saw eye-to-eye, but those scenarios had died quickly and quietly as resentment had grown between them.

But he didn't feel resentment now. He didn't feel angry or hateful or even dismissive...he felt tired. Like he'd run across Thedas and back for the last ten years and only just took a moment to stop. But maybe that exhaustion would allow him to reevaluate as Fenris suggested.]

...Thank you.

[Anders hesitated as though unsure if he should just go or if there was something else he was supposed to say before he did, but then seemed to find the words.]

And, you know, I think that advice isn't such a bad thing to consider for yourself, should you reconsider about the brands. They are not all you have either.

[Fenris gave a soft shrug of his shoulders. Not dismissive, not in the least. He knows it's advice he should be taking himself, advice he should put into action. Spending all of his active memory fighting and being angry is hard to let go of. He doubts he'll ever be truly free of it. ]

...Here, perhaps.

[Back home...well, he has their little slapshod family, but they scatter to the winds. Where does he end up? Not in Kirkwall, he knows that. Somewhere out there in Thedas. Alone. Again.

Here, he has the crew of the Tourist, he has Marian. People from home he would not truly cross paths with back there. Here, at least, he knows he isn't alone. Perhaps if the opportunity arose again, he would have the courage to take it. ]

I'll let you get back to nursing your hangover.

[He'll just be polite and give Anders an out. Maker knows having an adult non-screaming conversation is a big enough stride for them. Best not push it. ]

[Anders nods, more than happy to take the out before the awkward silence fully descends.]

Right...and you can continue your plot to be the best bastard in the Fleet.

[Best? Worst? He's not sure, but he is making his escape before the conversation turns to something that will really aggravate his headache.]

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