driftfleet | Closed

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Who: Riona and Fenris
Broadcast: Nope
Action: Yes, at some seedy little bar in the asteroid belt somewhere
When: Tonight

[Riona's glad he chose a bar for this conversation. Something told her they were going to need a lot of alcohol to get through it. Though she doesn't entirely remember everything they discussed of the matter previously, she remembers enough to know how much of a proverbial minefield it is. And she was just as confused on some things as he was. Whether her additional decade of experience and life is going to help, remains to be seen.

For now, she takes a seat at a small booth in the corner, waiting for Fenris to show up.]

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[Alcohol was something they absolutely needed to get through this. Fenris had made that decision pretty much immediately. He does show up, not even late, taking a seat across from her with a small smile. ]

Hello, Riona. Good to see you again. I- thank you. For this.

[She offers a smile back.]

Hello to you, too. And it's no trouble. Some things are meant for in person conversation. And liberal amounts of drinking.

[A waitress comes over shortly after Fenris takes a seat. Riona glances at him.]

Shall we start with wine, or something else?

Yes. It feels a little less...awkward face to face. And not sober.

[He offers a smile. ]

Wine is perfect, thank you.

Of course.

[Riona orders a bottle of their best red - she says best in the hopes it'll be a subpar vintage at the very least - and waits until she's left before turning back to Fenris.]

Maker willing, it won't taste like the ass end of a grape.

[That illicit a low chuckle from the elf. ]

It it turns out like that now, I am going to say you wished it upon us.

[Riona lets out a "hmph", but still smiles for a moment as she leans back against her seat. But that smile falls as she gears herself up for the conversation ahead.]

All right, Fenris. Lay it on me. What's going on?

[Well. There's no real avoiding it now. They're here. He's stalled long enough. His shoulders sag a little as his gaze drops to the table. ]

That is the problem. I...do not truly know what's going on. Or...rather- I don't really understand it.

Is it connected to your insecurity about not being the person you believe she expects you to be? [She had thought long and hard on the way here, trying to remember their past conversations.] Because you're not the Fenris from her Thedas?

[He nods, shifting in his seat a little, uncomfortable. ]

Hmm. No matter what, I can never really get over that hurdle. I know she cares about me...perhaps even loves me.

[He hesitates with the word 'love', struggles even to get it out. Once it's there, it sits like a horrible, solid reality. ]

But I am not there...I am not sure I ever will be. It is not an easy emotion for me.

[What little chance he had for regaining that was ruined by Dorian. Love is a lie, a dangerous one, and it cannot be trusted.]

[Riona pauses, all too well aware that this is, at best, a delicate subject, rife with minefields.]

You don't think you're capable of loving her?

[With Fenris, it's a minefield on top of a second minefield, with a couple extra minds scattered in the bushes. ]

I don't know. I- Danarius-

[He glances around, hesitant. As if even speaking of this would make the ghost of the man turn up, like he did when their augments glitched. He hates it, how thinking of the man can make him this way, teetering between absolute terror and unfettered anger. ]

Danarius. He used it as a means of control. To pacify me, make me more complacent. I- I find it difficult to trust in it. Clearly, this other me somehow manged it, but...

[He drops his head a little, letting out a breath. He's been holding a lot in for a while, and he's doing his very best to keep it flowing slowly, lest it all just gush out of him. ]

[She's torn between wanting to give him a hug - which she wouldn't because she knows he'd be uncomfortable - and wishing Danarius would show up so she could kill him in some horrific way.

As he finishes, the waitress comes back with their wine and glasses. Riona thanks her, popping open the wine and pouring out some for both of them. She slides Fenris his glass before settling back with her own.]

He turned something good and used it against you. And it's hard to trust in something that you've always known as a weapon.

[It's hard for her to imagine it, but she knows she's lucky that she can say that.]

At least you know it's possible, should you ever want to try and trust it again. Love's a wonderful thing, but it's also terrifying sometimes.

[He really would not appreciate the hug. He takes the glass, staring at the wine inside, before taking a deep drink of it. There's a certain freedom, in being able to finally speak to someone about this. ]

Precisely. I thought I loved someone here...before Marian, but again, it was just another dagger in my back.

[He doesn't want to talk about that, and he moves away from it very quickly.]

I- do not know how the other me managed it. It just seems such an...impossible concept. I do trust Marian, I truly do but love? I do not know if I will ever be fixed enough for that.

[She hopes, if nothing else, that getting it out in the open will help alleviate some of it.

The mention of the previous lover gets a raised brow, but Riona doesn't pursue it. The mention is enough to help paint the picture in more detail, enough that she doesn't need to ask for more unnecessarily.]

Trust is the first step in loving someone. [She'd argue it's the very foundation, but she doesn't want to get into that kind of discussion right now.] You're not a broken object, Fenris. You're a person who's been through an unimaginable amount of pain and horror. I think it says something that you came through all of that and can still look at yourself and understand what's been done to you. Let me ask you: do you want to be able to love?

[He would absolutely argue about being a broken thing. He certainly feels that way most of the time.]

I-

[There's a hesitation there, that is very telling. ]

I do not know. I think I am...just afraid of letting myself do that/

[Yep, it's telling. And it breaks her heart a little to hear it. She's just gonna take a long, long drink before she tackles this.]

You are afraid that loving someone will open you to betrayal. Even someone you trust?

[ She says it sort of like a question, but sort of like a statement as well. ]

I do not think she would betray me. What I fear is beyond easy words. It is- a dread of something...I cannot explain. A feeling. Just... that feeling. Of letting down those walls, of bearing my throat to anyone. Leaving myself open.

[He stares at his glass, then downs what was left in it. ]

And the absolutely stupid thing is that I know she would never harm me like that. Never use me. But all my earliest memories are of him and what he did. Every time I allow myself to start to feel something like love, my mind just brings me right back to that. And him.

Vulnerability. [This is quite the rabbit hole they're going down. Riona braces herself for whatever lies at the bottom of it.

She slides the wine bottle to him.]

Nothing stupid about it. The heart and the mind are hard to reconcile sometimes. Here, it's a matter of association. You connect love to Danarius and the twisted way he used it. That's not easy to disconnect that. I'm not sure if it's wise to force it, but I don't know if it'll go away on its own.

Vulnerability. Yes.

[He pours himself another glass (there's a temptation to drink from the bottle, but he's doing his best to share the wine, here) taking a drink, before sliding the bottle back over. ]

I doubt it will go away on its own. It has been years, and it is still just...twisted up inside of me. But I do not know how to face it...get rid of it.

[She would hardly blame him if he did. It's not like she couldn't order another one anyway.]

Somehow you have to break the association in your mind. [But how to do that? Riona polishes off the rest of her wine while trying to think of a way. She reaches for the bottle and pours herself some more.]

Easier said than done. You said when you try to open yourself to it, you think of him. I won't push for details, but is it a certain memory or memories it brings up? Or more like just a general feeling?

That would be the best course of action, yes. But it's the how I am unsure about.

[Oh. This. He stares down at the table, as if he could bore a hole into it. ]

I- it is...difficult to speak about. He would- [he tries to find a way of saying it without...actually saying it- as if not voicing it completely would make his stomach wrench any less. ]

I was his favourite.

[Riona grew up in the nobility. While there were no slaves, there were servants. And while servants had considerable more freedom than slaves, abuse still ran rampant. "I was his favorite". It's not the first time she's heard that phrase used, in that tone.

As much as she tries, she can't withhold the grimace.]

Forgive me, Fenris. I hadn't...

[She should have considered it, and she hates that she stumbled into it so stupidly.]

Maker damn that man.

[Fenris raises a hand to ease her concerns- honestly relieved he doesn't have to go into more detail than that. ]

You were not aware, there's nothing to forgive.

[He gives a soft grunt of assent, finishing his drink. ]

On that, we can both be agreed.

Barkeep! Two shots of your strongest!

[She figures they both need it after that bit. That said, she knocks back a good gulp of wine from her glass. It's not empty yet, but she refills her glass anyway, sliding the bottle to him when she's done.]

Okay. So... that pops into your head. What do you normally do after that happens?

[Fenris will absolutely not argue with that at all. He pours himself another glass. ]

Run? I...am not good at dealing with it, if you have not noticed. Facing it is...difficult.

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