driftfleet | /takes the huntress out back and buries it (jan mingle pt. II)

All firebenders are. Some have it come more easily to them than others.

[ except the avatar, though in theory, the avatar is born with the ability but has to unlock it through training and skill.

he keeps the fire maintained fairly easily, allowing sasuke to do whatever he's doing. he's never completely understood sasuke's eyes, though he's heard the explanation before, and has been bothered into demonstrating his ability before, so zuko has long since gotten into the practice of waiting until his eyes go back to normal. ]

The gift runs through my family.

[ powerful firebenders, in the royal family. his uncle, his father, his sister. his grandfather. and the first avatar, so long ago, was a firebender.

while zuko generally ignores his family's existence, he takes great pride in that. ]

[ Likewise he shares a similarly conflicted pride for nearly the same reasons, a strong vein of fire connecting his family members though not so strongly as those eyes do. Somehow he'd almost rather they were known for the former sometimes. ]

So that's your memento. From what you've said it seems you'll use that gift to greater positive effect than those that came directly before you. [ Finally the sharingan fades again, eyes back to ink. ]

Your chakra has a good color.

[ here's hoping. it's a near constant source of anxiety, how he's going to do when he returns home. how the fire nation will survive. but he has aang to help him, and iroh. katara, sokka, toph. suki. all of them throwing in their weight to make their new world work. there's not much to be done now except try.

-- but that last part is a bit weird. ]

What color is it?

[ wtf does that even mean sasuke you weirdo ]

[ Get on my weirdness level, Zuko, god. ]

What, you don't have any guesses of your own? [ Ah, something that other version of himself hadn't told him, one of the first he's discovered. It almost makes him want to hold that information back a little longer. ]

Katon techniques have two levels of difficulty. The first is the one that's apparent, being able to produce strong fire with destructive results. The second is more subtle, actually being able to give that fire direction. It's easily one of the hardest to mold...

But it comes to you that easily.

I don't know, orange?

{ zuko knows how his energy feels and how his chi interacts with the environment. what fuels him, how fire feels, and tastes, and how he breathes. but color of his chakra? he never bothered to ask sasuke because he had no idea it was a color.

weirdo. ]

[ but wait, was that a lowkey compliment. ]

It's unpredictable, but it's a part of me.

[ it is, and it's not. firebending is the sole element where the user can create the element, an expulsion of energy from your body out into the open. doing that causes you to wield great power, but it's also extraordinary dangerous. and it's very easy to allow that power to control you, instead of the other way around. ]

It's a firebender's responsibility to learn control first, before anything else.

[ which is what iroh has been telling him since he was literally 4 ]

[ ... did you just say orange; don't bring back my Naruto ptsd and obsession when I've only been without him for a few days. ]

We aren't allowed the same convenience. Controlling fire that precisely and causing it to bend its natural flow after expulsion is impossible for almost all shinobi. [ It isn't like water or earth, easily taking on new shapes that can be forged to fit the situation. Bursts of flame, even if they're in the shape of dragons or weapons, still tend to move in one solitary direction because they're too volatile to be further controlled. ]

I was taught power with my fire, first. [ A pause. ] Or really, I taught myself power first. [ And then a subtle but meaningful correction, bringing up bittersweet memories of being brushed off by a stoic father but ending up more motivated to train alone and prove him wrong as a result. No wonder he ended up with so many burns as a kid. ]

[ the correction is not missed, but zuko doesn't comment on it. sasuke is being honest (slightly), and he'll allow him the room to talk about it as he wants. ]

I learned power first, too.

[ zuko had the best tutors, and excellent guidance. but he was slow to learn. he was too emotional, and relied too heavily on other people's expectations. he didn't learn self-confidence, or self-reliance, until he met aang. he was taught swordsmanship by the best swordsman in the four kingdoms, and he's athletic and skilled, but firebending was something that eluded him until he learned the true nature of fire. and of himself. ]

I had to... unlearn that, and relearn control. Fire can do too much damage if you allow it to control you, instead of the other way around.

[ he pauses before letting the fire collect into a ball in his palm. ]

That's why so many firebenders meditate.

[ control. precision. discipline. ]

[ Sasuke thinks back to that ridiculous tree-climbing exercise that Kakashi forced them to participate in, how angry he'd been to be held back with two teammates he considered to be inferior only for Sakura to best him. He'd used too much force, then, damaging the wood while her superior control made it so much easier. What a strange thing to remember; it was so long ago. ]

For us, that kind of control has to be mastered over our chakra itself instead of more specifically with the elements. Fire carries the same risk as lightning or wind, it's just less tamed.

... I suppose in my family there's something else that's more similar. [ Here he raises his hand, tapping near his temple just to indicate his eyes. ] Pushing things too far can lead to dangerous consequences like you've described.

[ lightning. ugh. zuko still can't generate lightning, and he still doesn't know if he ever wants to. it's a powerful thing, and zuko doesn't have a ton of faith in himself in his ability to control it. ]

Hm.

[ he won't comment on the eyes. sasuke can keep an ounce of his privacy. ]

Firebending is directly connected to you -- your emotions, your breathing. How you live, and how you carry yourself. If you generate your fire from anger and rage, you get a lot of power, but no control. If you're patient, and calm -- if you focus on yourself, and your goals, then you have more control. And if you don't learn how to firebend properly and you only rely on rage and pain and power, you can lose your ability to firebend if you alter your technique.

[ which is exactly what happened to him whoops ]

Firebenders have to constantly be in touch with themselves. Earthbenders, waterbenders, and airbenders don't generate their elements from themselves, like we do. If our focus slips, so does our gift, and people can get hurt.

[ It sounds like a much more direct manifestation of self than his own elemental techniques, taken in by the idea of being more connected to them like he is with some of his other abilities. Would it make them stronger? ]

In some ways I can find correlations that make that easier to understand, though fire isn't unique in its generation in my world like it is in yours.

Chakra can become twisted up in a person's being, however, since it's a representation of themselves. It can be made stronger by anger and rage, like you said, and that taints it. Changes its nature, its color... That's why I commented on yours. It shows a lot more than you might think.

[ zuko knows, logically, that the concepts of chakra and chi are pretty similiar in nature, but different in practice. still, that sounds the same as his world. your inner fire, what drives you, what motivates you. what causes you to get up every morning, what causes you to want to get up the next morning -- all of those things play a role in your ability to create, and your ability to destroy.

zuko knows, through great difficulty and struggle, how difficult it is to maintain that level of peace. he had done well, when he was younger, albeit not as well as his sister, but he had done well. and then his mother left, and his father stripped him of his birthright, and he had become so consumed by self-loathing and hatred and anger that it had affected his inner being. there was no peace, there was only conflict, and hatred. zuko only wanted to get up every morning to try and restore his honor, and if he hadn't had that stupid pointless quest to hang onto, he probably wouldn't have bothered getting up at all.

but then he had decided that that was enough. and he changed his path in life -- after royally screwing it up, potentially beyond repair, but he decided enough. and once he had let out the poison in his life, his firebending disappeared. but it had come back, through hard work. discipline. control. faith, in himself and in the avatar, that their world would be just fine after all. and now, past the war, zuko is stronger than ever.

but to hear a statement as simple as 'your chakra is a good color' in the context it was meant is such a crushing relief that he almost doesn't really know how to respond. ]

[ the fire in his palm flickers, with the sudden surge of uncertainty and relief, and zuko dissipates with it by closing his fist, smoke escaping through his fingers. ]

So?

[ finally, as calm as can be. ]

What color is it?

[ There's a pause following Sasuke's own words that he accepts as Zuko's need for self-reflection, a silence that's both weighty and comfortable on sets of shoulders that are accustomed to heavy burdens and minds generally kept in a state of constant self-assessment. His eyes lower, then, briefly back to red as he watches a jolt of carefully generated electricity arc over his own palm.

He's too used to using his left, but it doesn't make a difference in the color of his own chakra and the nature it carries with it, fist closing immediately to extinguish that little spark when Zuko speaks. He looks up, brow momentarily furrowed like he didn't at first register the question before he repeats the sounds in his own mind. ]

[ He doesn't even seem to notice that their actions have mirrored one another's. ]

Slate blue, but it doesn't appear cold. It's got a brightness to it that shows it's rooted in something strong. Something tempered. [ The visual impact of it is impossible to miss, though he's not as skilled as a sensor type in picking out the subtleties. ]

[ there's a silence as he considers that -- rooted in something strong, tempered, all good things, all things zuko has fought tooth and nail to achieve. but the color throws him off.

bright blue.

zuko stares a bit blankly before a short laugh escapes -- it's sudden, and he doesn't necessarily expect it himself, and it has no real mirth in it. just a surprise exhalation of laughter, and zuko settles himself a bit more fully against the wall, resting his head back against it. ]

Figures.

[ it's said underneath his breath, but he looks a lot more at ease, now.

even in another universe, azula still chases at his heels. ]

[ That's twice now that he's heard him laugh but this one is nothing like the first, ignorant of any possible significance that just a color could have for him. Someone'll always be at your heels if you think about them enough to find connections anywhere you can. ]

Everyone has their own unique kind of energy, but it can change through strong events or prolonged emotions.

Just wanting to do good isn't enough to see that kind of change. [ The implication there being that Zuko's actually taken enough steps down the correct path that it's shown itself. ]

[ it's a massive relief, and comfort, even if zuko already knew, deep down, he was good. or, at least, on the way there. there's no way to atone for all of his crimes so quickly, but the support and strength of his friends helps.

when zuko arrived here, and was put on a different ship, they had immediately told him to transfer. no questions asked, no option granted. and that feeling of security, that strength, allows him to build upon a new foundation. so of course there's a change -- zuko has allowed light and love into his life, instead of darkness and anger.

there are still bad days, of course, and zuko is certain there always will be. but overall, he's fairly happy. ]

... I lost my abilities, once.

[ he says, and he allows his ball of fire to return, though he tosses it to the other hand. kind of like a baseball, and lets it hover there for a moment. ]

I had allowed myself to get so lost that I forgot why I fought, and once I removed that anger from my life, my abilities left with it. I had to fight to get them back, and relearn how to live without it.

[ it's times like these that zuko misses aang, terribly. it's like a hole that's not quite filled. ]

So I'm glad to hear that it's... better. I don't think I would still be able to firebend if I hadn't changed.

[ anger is fleeting, unpredictable, messy. azula and ozai can bend in hatred because their hatred is focused, pure, unabashed. but all anger is unpredictable, in the end. and it has weaknesses. ]

[ Sasuke's never had the same problem with his anger, never feeling it weaken because it's rooted in the core of his being like a deep-set disease. (When your family legacy is literally a curse of hatred that's hard to get around.) His problem has always been where to direct it, and when Zuko says he 'forgot why he fought' Sasuke has to fight a visible reaction.

He empathizes with it so strongly, having lost sight of his goal not just once but at at least three or four major junctions in his life. Each time had been agonizing and one in particular had left him weak and apathetic, essentially stripped of his own 'fire'.

His mouth opens like he wants to speak and share the experience, but he doesn't manage any words. Not yet. He's probably said too much as it is, and his own form of 'therapy' has always consisted of a heavy reliance on himself and no one else. ]

What became your new source?

{ it requires some thought, and zuko rests his head against the wall, considering it carefully. it's a deeply personal question, but sasuke has already apparently deduced that he's made great strides by examining his life blood. he may as well keep going. ]

My new family. My own expectations.

[ pretty simple stuff, but all things he hadn't had until very recently. ]

[ 'New family'. It adds a tension to his body language but he doesn't address it. ]

Expectations for yourself or expectations for your world? [ He imagines it's both; expecting more from the world leads to enacting change. ]

[ that, zuko notices. he's trained to watch how people move, how people react. firebending is so much movement and control and precision that a sudden tension is easy to pick up.

but he doesn't comment on it, instead shrugging. ]

The expectations for my world can't be completed without me.

[ so. both. ]

As leader of a nation that's probably expected. [ He tries to imagine Zuko in an authoritative position, giving speeches and inspiring confidence.

It isn't working. Then again, he doesn't know him too well yet. ]

[ it's okay zuko doesn't have a lot of faith in himself either ]

Our world needs structure.

[ and a bunch of kids have to be the ones to guide it ]

So if I don't fulfill my expectations for myself, I can't fulfill my expectations for my country, or my world. The Fire Nation can't rebuild itself on the back of a leader that doesn't know his or her own strengths and weaknesses.

[ he shrugs slightly ]

So I had to figure it out.

[ the hard way. but. he's fine, now. mostly. ]

/takes the huntress out back and buries it (jan mingle pt. II)

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