driftfleet | mingle part deux

I'm not staying inside the ship for the entire time that she's here, I need sunlight. The minute we dock, I'm off of this thing.

[ pointedly. ]

And she's not going to kill me in front of an audience, that would just make her look bad.

[ ... he says that like it's literally the only thing stopping her, which. is probably true. ]

[ Oh right, you're solar-powered. He wonders if it's similar to the Jojos. ]

Aa, perhaps so. She was more honest when I spoke to her without the potential for one.

... it's still best to be prepared.

{ . . . that gives him pause, and zuko eyes sasuke for a long moment.

azula and sasuke's conversation suddenly went dead, which means it probably got locked behind a filter. he hadn't asked katara to hack it for him, mostly because he has little interest -- and he trusts sasuke to not, you know. completely fuck everything up.

that being said -- ]

What else did she say?

[ He expected the question sooner or later -- sooner, really -- but hadn't bothered to actually prepare an answer. Should he be fully honest? Zuko will no doubt realize if he isn't, but it should be clear that he's also the main person Sasuke had been keeping out of the conversation. ]

... [ ugh ]

I wanted to hear what she would say in a way that wasn't filtered. She has a fake persona she presents otherwise, that much is clear.

You genuinely want to know?

The last time I saw Azula, she almost killed me.

[ it's said dryly -- a deflection of emotion, to be sure, and steadily ignoring how much that agni kai meant. but -- ]

Whatever she has to say won't phase me anymore.

[ Sasuke would want to know too, really, and it would drive him crazy until he did. So he glances to him again, chin finding his palm after his elbow acquires purchase on the table. ]

She said you were undeserving of the crown because you didn't defend the Fire Nation, but also that you didn't show interest in it. Undermotivated, even if she also claimed that she had no intention of taking the title from you.

She made some guesses about my brother that I ignored, started getting defensive in response to my questioning, and stated her need for control. [ And maybe more but hey, the thread isn't over so Sasuke is just hush-hush on the rest apparently. ]

[ aha. so azula knows, at least in part, that zuko didn't do anything on the day of black sun. but does she know the full extent. ]

... I was dealing with my father on that day, and I left after. She must not know that part, yet, if she's still talking about my birthright.

[ hmmm ]

She is right, though, the throne was never a motivation for me, and I don't think she ever wanted to take it away. She never thought I'd make it there.

[ zuko just wanted ozai's approval, and once he figured out ozai was never going to give it to him, zuko left. ]

[ Should he say the rest? Say that he asked her if she actually loved Zuko, and that she hadn't managed an actual denial?

... no, he shouldn't. ]

Aa, it seems that way. She has a complete disregard for any potential you may still hold, and an equal lack of faith in you. [ Which is probably just rubbing more salt into the wound but those old scars are harder to cause to sting. ]

She's blind.

[ none of that is any surprise to him, and zuko is long since past the point of being hurt by such statements from his little sister. vaguely, it stings, but it's not like the news is anything new. ]

...she used to be different, but only when we were younger.

[ little. very little. ]

But once she started to learn, and master her abilities -- she's a genius. A prodigy. I think she learned how to bend lightning before I even mastered all of my firebending techniques. All firebenders need control, but she took it to a whole new level, and my father didn't help.

[ zuko has great sympathy for azula, now. but he's also most recently interacted with what she became, not what she is now. and even though that sympathy is there, and she's still his sister, zuko isn't fooled by what she is. azula would kill him for a nickle if it meant she'd be a step ahead. ]

She's used to being in charge. It wouldn't surprise me if she declared herself captain by tomorrow.

[ Sasuke's quiet for a few moments before nodding, drawing another line of connection between them even if it's jagged with a few significant differences. ]

Being the best isn't all it's made out to be. When you have power you become arrogant and isolated from the world, no matter how coveted and sought-after you were in the beginning. [ They're words Itachi had spoken to him years ago, not realizing them as a potential warning then but instead as a reflection on Itachi's own life. In some small way, he can feel his own former pity for Azula crawling back in. ]

There's not really anything as maddening as constant loneliness. I feel I understand things a little better now.

[ zuko is quiet for a moment before drawing in a breath. ]

She has a chance here to be something that she's not at home, but she won't do anything with it.

[ and that's frustrating, to zuko, because he's grabbed at every second opportunity that he's given in order to make himself a better person, and make himself a better leader for his country, and azula just... won't, and she's just going to wind up in a prison cell for the rest of her life ]

And if I tell her what she becomes, it'll just drive her to become that faster.

[ so zuko is stuck tip-toeing around his sister, allowing her to think of him as the loyal brother, but not allowing her to use him for her own means to an end. it's a rock and a hard place, and there's no real option. zuko just has to make sure she's on a leash without knowing she's on a damn leash. ]

... there's always a chance. [ And he believes that, too, even for the people who seem the most unsalvageable of all. He's watched too many men die recently with regrets as their final words, recognizing their mistakes too late but still seeing them. ]

There's a risk in saying it, because I don't want to encourage potentially false hope. But things are different here, and you've been given the gift of time. Changes aren't impossible just yet.

Her chance lies in the fact that she doesn't know her own future. Eventually, someone is going to show up that tells her. My father would tell her just to spite me, and Mai and Ty Lee won't lie and pretend to be on her side.

[ and zuko would never expect them to, not after they risked their lives to save him. ]

She's not going to start magically caring about me, or believe I have the opportunity to change our country's future for the better. The only thing I can do is -- [ protect her? there's a slight pause. ] -- ... keep her from self-destructing for as long as I can, and when she does explode, I have to minimize the damage.

[ because that's what zuko's role is, in their family. minimize the damage caused by everyone else. ]

[ He wants to say that certainties in life are still hard to come by, particularly when places like this and Adstringendum exist when neither of them would have believed they did before, when people can appear from different times with or without old memories and with or without previously deceased comrades.

But it'd just be him either projecting or being too authoritative with something so close to Zuko, so instead he stays silent a moment longer to think it over. ]

... for your sake, I hope the future doesn't emulate your past. You have a support system here if it does, it seems, but that doesn't negate how it feels to see her. [ He may not always have a speech lined up, but his words are nothing if not sincere. ]

You can take it one day at a time.

[ he can't. not with azula. he has to be two weeks ahead, at all times, in order to prevent her from doing anything. speaking with azula is like a game of chess. every single word she says is thought out and is a weapon in and of itself, and zuko has to be careful in his responses. there's no relaxation, and there's no lessening of stress.

azula being here is a full time job for zuko. there's no other way to look at it. and while he knows his friends are there to help him, and support him in any way that he can, they still don't understand azula the way that he does. or see azula the way that he does.

he has a headache. ]

... she doesn't have any remorse for her actions. Still.

[ insane, unstable, unbalanced, screaming, crying, hallucinating azula. constantly muttering about their mother when she's long since dead, and cursing zuko's name because he took everything away from her. ]

Even if I can guide her down a different path, my friends won't forgive her. And they shouldn't.

... why shouldn't they?

[ Again he looks at him, wondering if talking about this actually helps him or if it's like most of the conversations Sasuke has about his own family: weighty, exhausting, and ultimately unproductive. ]

At this point, she's permanently scarred the Avatar in an attempt to kill him, and she's put their families in a torture facility that the Fire Nation likes to call a prison.

[ and that's not even counting what she does to advance the war, and what she attempted to do to katara during their agni kai. ]

Later, she attempted to kill all of us when trying to break them out of the prison, and the last time I saw her before she was imprisoned, she electrocuted me.

[in front of katara, but you know. he won't say that. not his story. zuko pauses ]

You can't forgive someone who doesn't even feel guilty over what they did.

Edited (FUCK HTML) 2016-01-26 04:52 (UTC)

You said that they shouldn't forgive her even if you manage to lead her down a different path. If that were truly the case then she'd likely feel at least some remorse for her actions.

[ Not that he doesn't understand why it would be easier or even better to just try to minimize Azula's effect without further trying to talk sense into her. She's already proven to be difficult enough as it is. ]

But they still shouldn't forgive her?

It's not up to me to decide whether or not anyone should forgive my sister. But until she feels remorse, and she repents for her actions? They shouldn't forgive her.

{ quietly. he's tired, and his ribs and arm hurt, and he wants to go to sleep, but he can't.

he pauses before drawing in a breath. ]

I know that if Azula told me that she regretted what she had done, the first thought I'd have would be 'she's lying.'

{ maybe that makes him a terrible brother after all, but azula spared no sympathy for him when he was exiled, and no tears were shed when ozai scarred him permanently. it's a hard road for him to even think about forgiveness, let alone enact it. ]

... words are cheap and they seem even more so for her. You'll be able to spot the lie based upon how she actually chooses to act.

[ Right, Azula would have to prove it. And forgiveness is very different from understanding, too, so being able to offer her one isn't the same as actually processing the full weight of her actions and deciding to allow her freedom from them. ]

I've also struggled with it. But in this one case, if in few others, I may be further along my path than you are... and oftentimes no apology ever comes. I'm sure you're prepared for that.

[ zuko is silent as he absorbs that, and he draws in a breath before letting it out slowly -- a coping mechanism, to ease the pressure in his chest and in an effort to find peace within himself. but it doesn't seem to work, because they're harrowing in on something difficult.

azula doesn't love zuko. she doesn't care about zuko. when zuko defected, she wanted to kill him, and didn't seem to give half a damn if her brother fell off the face of the earth. she didn't miss him when he was exiled, she didn't jump to defend him when ozai attacked him, and she certainly didn't have a second thought in attempting to kill him during their agni kai. she wasn't sorry, and she never will be sorry, and if azula had been made an only child by ozai outright killing zuko for speaking out of turn, zuko is sure she would've preferred that over having an older brother as a risk to her throne.

and, honestly, if zuko were honest with himself, he can't really say he loves azula either. he doesn't hate her, but he also doesn't love her. he doesn't really want her to die, but he would kill her if it meant protecting the people he cares about. azula is everything he doesn't want to be, but she's just as much a product of their family as he is. zuko just chose to take a different path; azula chose to take their father's.

but when it came down to it, zuko spared her. he could've killed her, but he didn't. nobody had questioned him on it, and nobody had demanded her death. they let zuko make the decision, and he decided to spare her. because killing her was something ozai would have done, and zuko had stoutly refused to become his father.

but now that azula is here, like she used to be, and she has the opportunity to avoid all of that in the future, zuko is stuck between wanting to save her, and wanting her to go home and become what she should be, so he doesn't have to deal with it. he's stuck wanting to ensure his sister isn't murdered, and also planning on what the quickest way to kill her is should she elect to slip back into what he last saw her as. there's no middle ground with azula; there is only the inevitable, and that is that zuko and azula are never going to be anything more than at opposite ends of the spectrum. ]

I think I need to find Katara.

[ it's said finally, his tone relatively even.

he can't talk about this anymore. ]

[ Sasuke's brow furrows for a moment in some kind of unreadable emotion or another and he opens his mouth... before closing it, not knowing what words he's searching for but having a feeling he'll find the wrong ones.

He's too emotionally limited to express sympathy the way he wants to and too out of touch with simple comforting words or gestures, rough around the edges in a way he's sure Zuko doesn't need right now. He's spent too long with a family that encouraged silence and strength and then too long after that with people he couldn't trust. Katara is of course the wiser choice, not only because she's likely better at expressing herself and her intentions but also because she's from his world and actually lived through it with him.

His fingers curl into a fist that he balls at his side, finally looking up again with that neutral expression back in place. ]

Yeah. I'll head back.

[ there's a brief silence at that before he draws in another breath. ]

The individual rooms on the ship aren't locked.

[ so. he's welcome to hang out. ]

Healing shouldn't take long.

[ He looks to him again, quietly weighing up the offer while also surveying a deepening dark circle underneath Zuko's unscarred eye. No doubt it matches his own.

They should sleep instead, but... ]

... I can sketch a board on paper. I'll stay if you teach me pai sho later. [ They're both suffering from insomnia. Maybe a happier memory is a better cure than airing weighty problems. ]

mingle part deux

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