driftfleet | mingle part deux

[ there's an inward cringe at beverly's sudden paleness, and zuko curses inside his head as beverly talks. it's difficult, talking about this with people who aren't from his world. sokka, toph, and katara just know about azula, and know that azula would love his head on a platter if it meant having an easier time of conquering the galaxy. there's no need to be delicate about it, or sensitive, but he forgets that not everyone has that... luxury. is it even a luxury? ]

... I didn't mean to be so blunt.

[ it's said first, before zuko can respond to her question. ]

It's just... -- my family isn't... normal.

[ which is an achievement in and of itself for him to say, considering how long he spent trying to force himself into that mold. ]

Azula has committed crimes that she needs to atone for, and she's paying for them at home. She wouldn't think twice to kill me, or Sokka, Toph, and Katara, if it meant she could get ahead. She's not... she's not normal. And my world is a lot safer without her being in charge, or my father.

[ he draws in a breath ]

... but I need everyone to understand that she's my sister, and I'm going to be the one to deal with her, if I have to. That's all I need.

[ zuko won't tolerate a witch hunt, and he won't stand for azula being killed. this is family business. zuko is going to be the one to deal with it. ]

Zuko...

[She's making a very Concerned Mom face at you right now. Judging from what she has heard about their world, she's willing to bet psychology as a field is still in its infancy. So it's difficult to know how to approach this, especially when her dealings with psychology are on the medical side of things, only after Deanna or another counselor has diagnosed someone and requested her help.]

I don't... I can never claim to know what you are going through or what you have been through, but I do understand what you mean by "not normal." In an ideal world, you wouldn't have to be resposible for her. But, that's not where we are, I get that too and I am not going to try to tell you the best course of action. However, I hope you know that just because you're the one dealing with this doesn't mean you're alone in it.

[ he knows that, logically. he knows he's not alone, and he knows sokka, katara, and toph are on his side. he knows that he won't have to deal with this alone, and he knows that he would be stupid to think that. and even now, in addition to the people from his world, he has his friends within the fleet. and those on the blue fish.

but... ]

I know I'm not alone.

[ finally -- and he means it. ]

But it doesn't change the fact that my family is the reason why my friends have lost their own family, or their homes -- or why they got involved in a war. And it doesn't change the fact that Azula is my sister, and...

[ zuko falls quiet for a moment, struggling to put what he feels into words. but there's not really any available -- ]

I'm not the only one that my father failed. But I can't expect my friends to feel that way. They have every right to hate her, and I can't expect them to work to defend themselves, but defend her, at the same time. It wouldn't be fair, or right.

[ azula is zuko's burden, and that's that. ]

So if I have to be the bridge to stop Azula being annoying from becoming Azula killing people, then I can do that. That's my responsibility, and my duty. As her brother, and as the new Fire Lord. Even here.

[I'm not the only one that my father failed. She's glad he said it, that he can recognize that. It's not an excuse for whatever crimes Azula has perpetrated in the past, nor should it absolve her of paying for those crimes, but it's important, for his own sake, that Zuko can see how they happened.

She nods slowly at what he's saying, then is quiet for a moment after, her expression serious and thoughtful. Finally:]

If we could find a way to help Azula, not only keep her in check, would you want that?

[ zuko immediately inhales at that question, quietly -- a reflex, defensive, and he immediately looks away.

it isn't as if he hasn't considered it, because he has. but zuko can't think of a way to help her. what help could he possibly give? ozai falling from power means the only stable crutch azula has in her life is zuko, and what kind of crutch is that? it isn't as if zuko isn't a mess, too. zuko lost both of his parents too, but zuko recognized that ozai didn't love him. zuko isn't sure if azula ever has.

but she's still his sister, and zuko doesn't know whether or not he loves her, but he doesn't hate her. he can't, really, without hating himself too, and zuko is trying to banish hatred and anger from his heart as much as he can. dwelling on everything awful azula has done will only poison him further, but there's not much good to dwell on either.

i'm sorry it has to end this way, zuzu.
no, you're not.

he draws in another breath suddenly, but this one shudders, like zuko has to force it in, and he speaks before he can really think about what he wants to say -- ]

I could have killed her, but I didn't.

[ it's muttered, and he draws in another breath -- a little more even, this time. ]

I spared her, but that doesn't mean she would've done the same to me. She was ready to kill me -- and kill Katara, just to get at me. And she doesn't regret any of it. If she found out now -- now, when she's sane, that she tried to do that? She wouldn't think anything of it. She'd be disappointed that she didn't succeed.

[ the pressure in his chest feels worse, and he draws in another breath. ]

I can't... help her, until she realizes that she hurts people. And she won't.

But you would, if you could.

[That's the important part.]

There are people - psychologists - in my world whose entire careers are centered around helping people with trauma and mental illnesses. One of my best friends is a psychologist and I have no doubt that there is someone out there, like her, who could help Azula. Not much comfort at the moment, I know, when there is no one like that here, but it's not impossible. So I only wanted to know, in case we ever did find other options, where you stood.

[ ... that much is news, and zuko listens quietly. it sounds nice, and it gives him some measure of hope, but -- ]

That would mean Azula would want help in the first place.

[ not disheartened. just a quiet fact. ]

I want to help her, but I can't help her unless she helps herself, first. And from where I stand, she just wants me dead.

I know... it's often difficult for someone to see they need help, much less ask for it. Unlearning the things you've been taught and working through the damage those things has caused takes a lifetime for some.

[She lets out a long breath and reaches for him again, just that gentle touch on the arm though she wants nothing more than to hug him.]

There's so much I wish I could do and I can't. But as long as I'm here, I will do what I can. You can always, always come talk to me.

All of you have done more than enough.

[ it's said quietly, and he doesn't shove away her arm, but he also doesn't return the motion either. it sounds a bit callous, but he genuinely means it -- he hadn't expected so much support, even if he logically should've seen it coming. ]

And I'll keep that in mind. -- about Azula, too.

[Beverly takes no offense, either at the statement or his lack of reciprocation for her gesture. Iroh sounds like one of the few people in his life to ever show Zuko genuine affection, until Aang. What’s so easy for her to give is not so easy for him to accept and she respects that. So, she steps back towards the door, giving him his space.]

I’m sure you need some time alone to process everything, so unless there’s anything else you think I should know, I’m going to head out now?

[ again, a silence, and zuko draws in a slight breath. ]

Thank you.

[ he means it, genuinely. ]

You're welcome.

[And with one last sympathetic glance, she's gone.]

mingle part deux

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