mk.02 (video)

[paraclete]

Who: Kaworu Nagisa, and anyone else.
Broadcast: fleetwide
Action: In the laundry facilities of the Heron.
When: The evening of 2/13.

[When Kaworu's video feed flips on, it looks like it's got a slight vibration to it. If you look closely, you might be able to tell why: he's sitting on top of a washing machine. He looks pretty content with things right now; the washer must be a comfortable perch, and he a pleasant bird, or a kid on a particularly shitty carousel. He's wearing one of the provided utility jumpers, in beige. The color frankly looks terrible with his natural palette, but he's content with that, too.]

Hi. [With that alongside his smile, he's off to a great start!] I initially arrived on the Marsiva a few weeks ago. It was an unexpected thing, but I've been thinking it must have been for the best. But, while I've been here with this fleet, I've also been able to talk to some of you. It's nice. Now, though, I have some questions of my own. I hope you'll answer, and we can get to know each other. [God, but he's earnest, huh? He doesn't really seem like the type of person to feel shame or social anxiety. Or, really, any sort of anxiety at all. That's not exactly true, but his composure is the stuff of legends.]

So, I'd heard that Valentine's Day is almost upon us. I'd explain for those who are still unaware, but I'm really one of the uninitiated myself. The holiday was an observable part of several cultures in the world I came from, but I hadn't had any experience with it personally. What I do know about it is that it's a day intended to celebrate love. [If he was pleased before, he's outright glad right now, perking up even further.] I really like that. That's mostly what I wanted to ask about: I'd be happy if someone could tell me more about the day and what all it entails. Love, I think, is one of the most wonderful things to be celebrated, and from what I understand, an individual is also meant to revel in the person they love on this day. I want to know what's expected of me for the person who is closest to my heart.

But I understand that there are those of you who don't celebrate the holiday, or who have never even encountered it. In that case, I'd like to know about your customs, as well. I want to learn about other days dedicated to the pursuit of love, and the actions a person may take in order to ensure that their lover knows they are loved. What's your favorite way to convey your love? What's your favorite way to relish in the feeling? Will you tell me?

[He's got the face of a teenager, so maybe he's just hormone-addled or something like that, but with his tepid voice and the calm of his eyes, it could be... that he's really... really serious about all this. Maybe a little too serious. Finally, he says,] Thanks for your time. [He means that just as much.]


[And, Heron, he's playing hooky from the Vanquish again. If you find him sitting atop the little washing machine, please don't be too angry at him for hogging it; he's doing laundry for two. At any rate, he's still treating the Heron like it's his home away from home. You've probably seen him around a little too much. He doesn't crowd the Heron's bunks, at least — he can never be found sleeping. He's just ever-present.]

Comments

[paraclete]

Shinji-kun, hi. [Kaworu's been sitting atop the washer with his hands in his lap, loosely clutching the communicator, but at Shinji's arrival, some inherent branch of something like chivalry makes him slide down from the machine so that he's standing. One gets the impression that he'd remove his hat if he were wearing one. His hands are empty now — he'd set the communicator atop the washer when he moved to stand — and he slips them into the pockets of his jumper, fingers curling with the pleasure of seeing Ikari Shinji at all.] Have you been awake for long? I had meant to come back to your bunk soon, but I'm glad you were able to find me.

[He pauses. Something a little bitter but very vital: he's been learning from Shikinami. Observing her interactions with Shinji leaves Kaworu feeling dehydrated, as if such a thing were possible for an Angel, but he's beginning to understand the importance of certain things, such as...] Have you had anything to drink or eat yet?

[astrobleme]

Mmm, not for long... [This isn't even close to where Shinji imagined it would happen. A laundry room is the least special place of all places to be. He looks around at the machines, the shelves, the boxes with their foreign labels. It's metallic and claustrophobic and smells of too many chemicals. If they're going to talk, they should be doing it under an open sky with plenty of stars. Of course, they're surrounded by stars, drifting through them, so maybe it isn't all that disappointing.

He's overthinking this already. He's getting too anxious.]

I was on my way to the kitchen, but... [Deep breaths, Ikari.] I wanted to ask you something first.

[paraclete]

Oh? I see. [With his usual easy atmosphere, Kaworu leans back against the edge of the washing machine and crosses his legs at the ankles. It's a welcoming posture: he's saying, ask me anything.

He misses the piano bench. He could sit there, totally open, and look up at Shinji. That's what's most comfortable of all. Shinji is something to be revered, to be admired as humans do the heavens. So many cultures have believed that their gods lay in the skies. It seems natural; something so important is on a completely different plane.

Still, Kaworu's face is placid and sweet.]

Whatever it is, I'll do my best to answer.

[astrobleme]

["I'll do my best to answer." Really? Is that the honest-to-god truth? Shinji is kind of expecting another vague, unhelpful answer, which is why he isn't as terrified as he could be. His gaze returns to the middle distance, located somewhere around Kaworu's knees. He slowly walks over to Kaworu, not shuffling quite as much as before. He can actually feel his feet right now. This is an improvement, or it should be.

Only when they're closer together, much closer, does he stop and look up at Kaworu. They're almost the same height, but enough slouching on Shinji's part makes for a difference. He takes a moment to breathe, to lick his chapped lips, to have one final debate with himself over this.]

Why...

[Deep breaths, Ikari.]

Why won't you say it to my face?

[paraclete]

[Somehow, his guts feel cold. Kaworu isn't actually sure what Shinji is referring to, but it provides a chill. In general, Kaworu's somewhere between moon-cool and lovingly warm, so the sudden frigidity is unusual, though not foreign. Actually, it's something he's felt with every big mistake. (So, it's happened more than a handful of times.) Because of his association between the cold and his failures, it's scary to feel; it draws out a sort of paranoia. Kaworu takes a slow breath and glances around the little laundry room, clenching his hands inside his pockets. He's looking for any indication of what must have gone wrong this time.

Weirdly, this rush of iced blood and the twist in his stomach also make Kaworu feel really young. Like Tabris has just done something to displease the old men, and is waiting for the fallout. Like he's a... disappointment.

Doing things wrong all the time has gotten really exasperating. Kaworu's had enough of himself.]

I'm sorry? [he asks. It's drawn out, tentative.] I don't understand.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji isn't immune to the chill, even though he's the one responsible for it. His insides feel just as weak and watery, like obliterated polar ice caps. Confrontation, after all, is not something he's particularly practiced in. And he doesn't like what he's done to change Kaworu's face--the bewilderment, the self-reproach, the unpleasantness of the unexpected. He knows how that feels. Seriously, he does know how that feels. But he isn't going to get real answers if he lets the two of them coast along.

He reaches into the pocket of his jumper. He pulls out his own communicator, currently set to one of the latest network entries. It's a video, but the content might as well be carved into his heart. Clearing his throat, he then repeats,] "Love, I think, is one of the most wonderful things to celebrated." That's what you said, right? And then, you were like... the closest person to your heart, and all of that...

[He's being unreasonable. If it's painstakingly obvious, he should just accept it and move on. There's no point in asking for something he doesn't deserve anyway. But it's grating on him like a spate of schoolyard gossip. Maybe this is his fault for being so awkward. Kaworu posited himself as a soul mate, a fixture of fate, and Shinji decided to talk about the stars instead.]

You haven't told me. You're telling everyone else, but when you're with me, you don't say it.

[paraclete]

Oh... [he breathes, shutting his eyes. He still feels admonished, and a little bit cornered, and like he's submerged in salt water. Hearing his own words repeated aloud by Shinji makes Kaworu wonder if he'll ever say the right thing. Sometimes it's unbelievable that Shinji ever called him amazing. He wanted to provide what Shinji needed, but in the end, he couldn't do anything except make things worse. Even now, even here, all he's been trying to do is repair the effects of his own shortcomings. And even now, even here, he's not able to make the right decisions.]

I thought I had told you. [He opens his red eyes again, and hopes they don't look as tired as he feels.] It's the reason I know that I was born to meet you. It's the reason I've always been thinking of you. It's the reason I'll stay here with you no matter what. But I understand that I wasn't clear enough. And I had thought... [His hands are still pocketed, but he draws in his arms close to his sides, and raises his shoulders.] That what you needed most from me was friendship. I wanted to give that to you to every extent that I could.

[astrobleme]

[It's strange to think that Kaworu sounds more honest when he isn't smiling. His smiles aren't artificial, not with Shinji, but they're like applying fondant to a cake that might be falling apart. There's a lot he doesn't know about Nagisa Kaworu. A fucking egregious amount. He wants to know, but he doesn't want to know, but he wants to know so very badly. For all he knows, he could wake up tomorrow to discover Kaworu isn't here anymore. It's happened. It's been mentioned on the network. People just disappear with no rhyme or reason, the same as when they arrive.

His voice is hoarse when he says,] And I thought I had told you. If you want to look at me, then look at me. If you want to hold my hand, then hold my hand... [Deep breaths, Ikari. That's it.] If you want to tell me you love me, then tell me you love me.

[All at once, his face turns a distinct shade of pink, like the truth is finally catching up to him.]

W-W-What I need most from you is you yourself, Kaworu-kun, so just... so, for as long as... you're here, just be yourself. Just be yourself, Kaworu-kun. You don't have to take every cue from me.

[paraclete]

[These are, at least, nice things to hear. Certainly, Kaworu appreciates that Shinji is thinking of him at all, and so positively at that. But it's unwarranted. Completely unwarranted, when Kaworu is so lacking — when being himself means being a catastrophic failure. He has to aspire to more than that. He has to move beyond what he is and become something better. It's its own sort of sin to show himself to Shinji when what he is right now just isn't enough. And the rest of Shinji's words are just as outlandish. He needs Kaworu, he says. He needs Kaworu himself.

No, that can't be it. Shinji's just confused. He hasn't figured out what it is he really needs yet. Well, Kaworu hasn't figured it out, either.]

You're very... kind to me.

[Kaworu's voice is as soft as a bird's wing. Its feathers hide what he doesn't say out loud: I don't deserve this. Shinji's kindness is so much to offer to a person as deficient as Kaworu is. But even now, Kaworu takes advantage of that kindness. He takes more than what he should. He reaches out, and, like before, he takes one of Shinji's hands in both of his own. He said it's all right, Kaworu tells himself.]

When I was younger, someone taught me that love isn't always... wanted. That you can be repulsed by someone's love for you.

[He's turning over Shinji's hand in his, tracing its creases, staring down.]

I told myself, 'It's only love. I don't have to say the words. I can live with the companionship I have now.' I thought I was making the right choice. But you've yet to see me make a good decision, isn't that so? [He breathes out, and it's almost a laugh.] You said you thought I knew things... I didn't mean to deceive you. I thought I knew things, too.

[He looks up, meeting Shinji's eyes, and holds that gaze for as long as Shinji will allow. There's something very serious in the muscles around his mouth, in the red tide of his eyes.]

Ikari Shinji-kun, I do love you. [A smile lights back onto his face, though small.] It feels good to say.

[But it's selfish. It's so selfish. Shinji doesn't know what he needs. And Shinji can't know that Kaworu takes his cues from Shinji for a reason: there is nothing outside of Ikari Shinji that dictates Nagisa Kaworu's sense of self.]

[astrobleme]

[It's like the onset of a brain freeze. When I was younger, someone taught me... It travels through his head, cold and winding, even painful, until he feels like he's layered in permafrost. Someone taught me... Shinji should be asking, "Who?" He should be asking, "When did that happen?" He should be asking, "What the hell aren't you telling me?" Because Nagisa Kaworu looks and talks and acts like he's been in love with Ikari Shinji since the day the first star came into being. There couldn't be someone from when Kaworu was younger. There couldn't be. Someone taught me...

I was in love before I understood anything about it.

I know that if, after this, I lived an innumerable measure of lives, I would still gravitate to that person.

Shinji regrets stalking Kaworu's activity on the network.

Sometimes it's just destiny, Shinji-kun.

Tentatively, unsure of what he's saying, he says,] Maybe it would help if you... uhm, stop comparing me to someone else? Someone I'm not? Because I don't think there's anything you could do to repulse me. Seriously, Kaworu-kun... [It doesn't matter that Kaworu is a boy. It doesn't matter that Kaworu is an Angel. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.] And I'm not expecting you to be perfect. Just be yourself.

[Kaworu's I do love you doesn't fully dispel the chill in his brain, but it's better than nothing. Shinji can't reciprocate, though. Not in the way he is right now. He doesn't know what he's feeling these days, other than self-hatred sharp enough to cut down a god. His moments of clarity are very few and far in between. But he remembers... lying on that thin cot, at NERV, with his face pressed into a pillow that smelled of chemicals. He remembers mouthing the words to himself. It seemed insurmountable, but so simple. He was a fool for not giving it a try.

His fingers curl in slightly, willfully, and he doesn't pull away. He doesn't look away, either.]

If it feels good, that's what you should do. It's like playing music.