driftfleet | 02; Therapy

You're...one of those counselor people?

[Kaneis was already skeptical of counselors when he heard about it. But Milla being one? Yeah...he...is less than sure.]

What? You don't think the former Lord of Spirits Maxwell can solve people's problems?

[Because he's right she can't.]

Well, considering most spirits I've known just sat in their temple and demanded a fight before they agreed to help us out......

[That'd be yes. yes he doesn't think so]

Those spirits are lazy. I lived among the people and figured out how humans work. I'm basically human anyway, I just have the experience of a spirit, too.

Is that right? Well, that's something- but that whole spirit thing never made you be excluded from humans, did it?

Well... Even though I'm losing my powers, they still worship me in the village. No matter how many times I tell them to stop, it doesn't make a difference. But outside of it, barely anyone remembers Maxwell, let alone knows who I am. It's great.

Oh, then there's the people I travel with. They treat me...differently, that's for sure. So I guess the answer is excluded in many unique ways, some of them being just the way humans exclude each other.

[he could...probably relate to the worshipping bit, but he rather not out himself just yet]

They worshiped you? Jeez...well, I guess the Lord of Spirits would inspire a lot of awe in people.

[Not that he has any idea what that's like. Nope nope nope]

Why did the people you travel with treat you differently? Was it because of the spirit thing too?

Maxwell is a religion to them. But as for the others...

[She sighs, leaning back in her chair.]

I'm not their Milla. They already have one. To them, I'm just... some alternate version who isn't enough like their favourite perfect Milla. [Wow that sounded bitter, huh.] They don't mean it badly or anything, they aren't treating me like that on purpose, but you know, I look just like the Milla they love, so... their kindness isn't for me.

Oh...

[That actually makes him pause and glance down, looking a bit down at that idea. his tone is a bit quieter when he speaks ]

I know what that's like.

Oh. [She blinks. Then Origin's Trial exists even there...? Ugh, it's too much of a headache to think in those terms, so she keeps it simple.]

Are you an alternate too?

[He frowns at that term and crosses his arms. An "alternate"? Sure. He came from alternate timeline as some of the other Aselians he's encountered. That much was true. But to have alternate be used as a noun? Like she was some sort of thing?]

[Yeah. He already has a bad feeling about just how well this group treated her.]

An alternate? [There's a lot of disdain in that word] No, I'm myself. Just like you're you.

But if you mean I've come across people that come from alternate timelines? Then yeah. I know what that's like. They expect you to be one thing, and then they're disappointed to find out you're not like that - even if they're too nice to admit it.

[Which really just thinking about it pisses him off, so after a beat he'll add]

Which you know what? Screw 'em. If they can't get over that you're someone different than their Milla, then they aren't worth your time.

[Ludger and Elle told her that. So did Jude, eventually. But she still never really felt it. Maybe because in the end, they were all connected in some way. Even though Ludger and Elle hadn't met Milla, somehow she still felt in her shadow as long as she existed in her world.

But now she exists here where Milla doesn't and it's a strange, freeing feeling that she has no idea what to do with. But he said it so easily, she can't help but laugh.]

You're serious. Well, you're right. All they had about me were expectations. Oh, but, Ludger's not like that. He never knew the real-- Uhm, the other Milla. So the people I felt like I really existed around were him and Elle.

[She smiles slightly.] You're pretty strong to be so confident in yourself, even when familiar faces expect so much.

[felt like I really existed... Hearing that felt like a punch in the gut on her behalf. Sure, he ran into his own share of troubles when dealing with people from other timelines, from other worlds where Zelos had been. But to make her feel like she didn't even exist?]

[Seriously. Fuck those guys. But at least Ludger sounds alright]

Heh- no wonder you convinced him to transfer to your ship. I miss his cooking, you know.

[So much delicious seafood stew. How he cherished it. He rubs the back of his neck a little at that compliment]

Thanks, but....I'm really not that strong. [He was a coward, a screw up] It's just- I dunno, I guess I know some stubborn people. Maybe I've been infected by them.

And you know, it helps I'm not all that interested in being who those people expect me to be. [He shrugs it off. Even if he has a lot of regrets, a lot of things he wishes he did differently...he didn't miss his old life.]

[She gives him a little smile at Ludger's mention. It really does amount to that. Even if he was the one who killed her sister, who destroyed her world, he was also the one who treated her with the most compassion, like she mattered. How strange and messed up is that?]

Not at all? Even learning the differences, you don't regret it or feel like... like you wasted your chance? Like maybe things would have been better if you were like them?

[He hesitates as he thinks how to answer]

I...used to, a lot. Hell, sometimes I still do. Not without reason either, there's a lot of things I got wrong that the others didn't.

But, the past can't be changed. I've seen firsthand what happens when people try - it's not good. So after awhile...I kinda realized how useless it was, dwelling on the past all the time and all the possible things I could've done differently.

[a shrug that's a bit more forced than he'd liked] What matters is we're here today, right?

Edited (I CHANGE WHAT I WAAANT) 2015-01-24 04:53 (UTC)

I guess it's hard knowing their today was better than the one I worked so hard towards. I know I messed up and didn't do things the right way but... I did them the best I thought I could.

[But she's a mistake. It's still so easy to think that way. In her timeline where everything she thought went right actually prevented a brighter, happier future.]

You're right. There's no use dwelling on it. And changing it is just... against the natural order of things. [Says the dead girl.] But it's just hard to not think why I couldn't have done things better, the way things ended up for them.

...Yeah. I know. Retrospect can be a serious pain in the ass. Especially when other timelines are involved.

[a sigh] Sorry, that's something I'm still learning how to deal with.

But, I think you're pretty alright- if that means anything to you.

It does. I want... to be Milla like I was before I knew there was another one that everyone liked better. So I screwed up a lot! I'm learning. Just because I'm not their Milla doesn't mean I'm worthless!

[She hesitates before shaking her head.]

Well, maybe if I fake confident like that, I'll become confident. Sometimes that works, you know. But it really does mean a lot, hearing it from someone who understands. I like you, too. You're a pretty nice guy after all.

...Heh, it sounded pretty good to me.

[He makes a face at being called nice]

Hey, don't go spreading stuff like that around! You'll ruin my rep! [even if he has...no rep to speak of shhhh. The face eases into something a bit more positive though] But...yeah. It is nice to talk to someone who gets it. Doesn't happen all that often- don't know if that's good or not.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Well, maybe some of the people I know just a little when I'm really mad! [She laughs, shaking her head. The truth is even if she wishes they understood how she feels, she doesn't want them to just for her sake.] But you know, if you ever want to complain about something, even if it's tiny, I'll listen. I probably understand too after all.

[She adds quickly.] Not because it's my job! Just you know, because... you're nice. [Shit she said it again. She backpedals fast.] A-And because it's my job, of course!

[Milla you just said it wasn't that.]

[He gives something that sounds like a chuckle]

So which is it? Because it's your job, or not because it's your job?

[uhhhhhhhhhh]

[well, he knows better than to express his doubts out loud]

[WHAT POSSIBLE DOUBTS COULD YOU HAVE, DESTROYER OF WORLDS?]

[NOTHING. NO DOUBTS. HE ISN'T SAYING ANYTHING]

[But after giving her a while, he comes in with a warm cup of tea—the best he could do as far as that goes—and some unglazed Floot Loops products that are therefore not Flootloop flavoured. He used a tomato paste spread to lightly flavour it, with a touch of other vegetables from a small smudge of the vegetable gel. You're welcome.]

[He sets them on the desk in front of her. Househusband here to see to it that the hardworking lady takes care of herself!]

[Milla is having an unsuccessful day it feels like, so she sighs before she realises she isn't alone.]

Oh! Ludger...

[She blinks before smiling. He made a snack for her? Ah, that's so sweet.]

Well! I was ready for a break anyway! Want to share with me?

[A nod and a little smile. It would be nice to share with her. So he cuts it in half and sits down across from her, leaning forward just a little like a dweeb.] How are you doing? [He means how is the therapy going, but also how is she in general. He worries.]

[She sighs, taking one of the tomato paste snacks and munching on it.]

So far, no good. Instead I think I got therapy. How the hell does that work? Well, maybe I helped. That Kaneis guy is pretty nice isn't he?

[A nod! He tilts his head a little, and leans towards her. Gently, he touches her shoulder. He means to ask if she is all right after that talk.]

Oh, a counsellor? I've never met one of those before... Apparently I'm to play the part of a lab technician.

Do you have any lab experience at all?

[Says the one with no counselor experience.]

I used to live in one, if that counts. [ By which he means he laid around in one, non-functional for several hundred years. But according to his augment he knows lab-things now! ]

You lived in a lab, huh? Sounds creepy. But I guess your augment must help a lot. Mine sort of helps. I know a bunch of theories and studies now.

Well I certainly know a great deal more about the equipment inside of it now than I did before... Are any of your theories and studies of use to you?

Depends on the person, I guess. I didn't realise there were all these different approaches. Cognitive, behavioural, freudian which is really weird at some points... Anyway I guess it'll depend on what I deal with. I haven't had to really try it yet.

You've completely lost me.

If it helps, I'd be completely lost too if it wasn't for whatever they stuck in my head. You probably know weird lab stuff now too.

I think I know some chemistry, now. That will be fun to test out.

As long as it's not my ship, explosions are fine.

Well, I'm still waiting on that... Who knows, I may wind up on yours.

H-Hey, don't go blowing up things on my ship all right?! We've worked hard on the kitchen!

[Yes. Just the kitchen.]

[ Yeah, about that. ]

...Only that?

[a gothy-looking teenager shows up on the screen, though she's... whispering for some reason? weird.]

Oh... Wow, I'm supposed to be doing that too! I totally forgot...

You mean you haven't done your job at all?

Nnnooot really, no.

[the girl frowns...]

Though, in my defense, my crew has mostly been two people. And one of them is me.

Is that what they meant by "personnel support?"

Oops.

Don't tell me some jerk like you is personal support!

Goodness! What kind of talk is that for a ship counselor?

How terribly judgmental.

02; Therapy

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