driftfleet | i have become comfortably numb

Entry tags:

i have become comfortably numb

Who: Castiel & You Poor Unfortunate Souls
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: Waystation
When: Todayish..?? From like the 19th through the 21st. Text post is on the 22nd. Also a warning that this post contains drug use/references, cursing, and potential Unhappy Talk about painful subjects/depression what have you.

action;

[ it's easy, you know, to drown all of your shit out when you've got a bright, loud, roaring space station of extravagance, entertainment and debauchery to keep you occupied every moment of the day that isn't spent sleeping. good food, good drugs, good company - after living so long in a near-literal hellhole it'd been such an easy thing to give into temptation and drown his troubles in the usual ways, to have a good time, laugh and eat and distract himself with pretty lights and pretty people.

but space is quiet, once you're out in it, and soon enough they've drawn far away from the starlight and cas finds himself cut off from his sport. sure, he can still drink and get high, but that's not really the same, and without all the noise and bustle and activity of the station to drown out all of his thoughts it becomes.. more difficult to face certain realities that he's yet to come to terms with. dean's gone, probably dead back home, and cas hasn't stopped thinking about those crotes, about the hard bite of their teeth into his throat and their foul, suffocating breath. there's no going back home. not for him. and even if he could, there's nothing to go back to. it's all dead and gone, all his fault, and facing up to the hulking mountain of mistakes that his life has been, well -

- he's not strong enough. back home the weight of it was straining him, bending him, but then at least he had purpose, at least he had that thin sliver of hope. here? well, here it's a wash. here there's no more hope, and he's not bending, he's breaking.

so when that snap comes, he's gone from the red fish, disappearing to the waystation where he can blow all his newly acquired funds on booze and whatever cheap stuff is in these vending machines that will fuck him up properly. losing track of time is easy, days pass and he doesn't return to the ship, forgets to eat half the time, sleeps under benches, wanders aimlessly, but spends most of his time passed out beside one of the more remote vending machines, the lit cigarette loose in his hands burning down to his knuckles. ]

[ ooc; he's got some fellow shipmates coming to the rescue, so feel free to come across him any time, when he's relatively sober or less so, whatever's comfortable! he'll be there a couple days just moping about, so any time in that period is fine! ]

text;

So tell me, what do you guys do for a bad hangover, eh? Gotta be some homespun remedies we've got access to, right? These protein solids really aren't doing the trick.

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[ there's nothing, at first. cas doesn't move, doesn't respond at all until her hand is at his shoulder shaking him - he stirs, but only just, eyelids twitching and shoulders shifting, a mumbled, incoherent sound in his throat, but it's all she'll get. ]

[Well, fine just make this hard on her.

She takes him by the wrists and starts to hefty him up. It is not easy. He's very much taller than her, and while she's pretty strong, his size compared to hers makes it awkward. But she eventually gets him in a kind of fireman's carry, her half hunched over so he doesn't slide down her back. His feet might occasionally brush the ground. But she's got him and she carries him that way back to the Red Fish.

It is not a fast trip by any means. And it might as well be magic that she gets him into his bunk without dropping him down the hatch, or the door hitting them on the way. But she eventually gets him on to his bed. She gets his shoes off, and then goes and fetches things she thinks he might need: glass of water, some bread for him to eat, a damp cloth, and a basin in case he needs to throw up.

All that she brings back, lays the cloth on his forehead, and then she waits beside him for him to wake.]

[ sorry sye, he owes you one, big time.

nevertheless, cas is out for a good long while while the drugs peak in his system, then bring him back down. he's relatively low maintenance, groaning and sweating and shifting, muttering funny nonsense words every once in awhile, or laughing in that lazy, half-aware way.

but soon enough his eyes crack open, and even the dim light floods and stings them. stomach lurching, cas rolls onto his side and clamps his eyes closed again. his voice, when he speaks, is low and wrecked. ]

Mistakes were made.

[When he finally rouses, she moves to catch the cloth before it slides off his face, and drapes it helpfully over his eyes]

You'll be all right. I can't do anything magical for this kind of aftermath, but I did bring you water.

[ there's a good moment while cas is still processing this, and he tosses a quizzical look toward the cloth, taking a half moment longer to register what he's looking at because he's still not entirely sober, still a little high, still slurring his words a bit. ]

Nn.. thanks.

Was that a "no thanks", or just a groan and then you thanked me?

[Her tone is light, even as she leans over and touches Cas' cheek, his neck, with the back of her hand, checking his temperature.]

Whatever's wrong, Cas, you know you can talk to me.

[So much for lightness. She was worried. Still is.]

I was just uh, thanking you.

[ cas's eyes lift to her face, bleary and unfocused but steady. he doesn't complain, or brush her off, only watches quietly. it's clear enough that she's worried, and he feels immediately guilty for it; it shouldn't have come to this. ]

No, it's.. m'fine, just lost my head a little.

[She looks at him, and it's clear she doesn't believe him. She knows something is wrong. She's got only bits of information, guesses it has something to do with what happened when Sam woke up, but she doesn't know the details.

She doesn't believe him that this was unintentional, that he just accidentally overindulged. But.]

Okay.

[She doesn't press. Oh how she wants to. But she won't. Not while he's umwell and already feeling bad.]

I'm here to help you find it again. As long as you need.

Edited (Random word) 2016-03-27 07:07 (UTC)

Sye..

[ he doesn't get it. doesn't really understand what she sees in a guy like him, why she's always coming back, always smiling, always accepting him, and now, yanking him out of trouble. she doesn't need to do it, and he's in no way worthy of it; she's simply too kind for her own good.

guilt twists in his gut, and cas feels his expression tightening up. he's just inebriated enough to let the question spill out, where he'd otherwise have kept it locked tight behind his teeth. ]

Why're you doing this? You gotta know m'not worth the trouble.

Oh, Cas.

[His words break her heart. He's so alone, and she knows that feeling. Like she's far more trouble than she's worth, a burden.

The hand that had been checking his temperature lays on the back of his neck, her other hand finds one of his. Both are firm but gentle, grounding. She normally wouldn't touch someone without knowing if they'd mind, but Cas has never hesitated with her, and he'd known she was something other almost from the start.]

You are my friend. That means you're one of the most valuable things I have. I would walk straight into the Nine Hells if you needed it.

[ her hands are meant to comfort, but they only crack him open, and maybe that's for the best, but it aches like being split apart. cas's free hand rises to his face, fingers pinching at his eyes to stem the stinging heat that he won't let free. she's so kind that it burns, but he's stil squeezing her hand hard. ]

But you hardly know me. I just - Syeria, I'm a fuck up, I'm just gonna keep letting you down.

[ exhaling slow, he's fighting to keep his voice from cracking. ]

You're too damned kind for your own good.

No, I'm not. For me, there's no such thing.

[But she doesn't want to talk about herself. This is about him.]

You've never let me down, Cas. You're in pain, and you think you're alone, so you handled things the way you would if you had no one to lean on. But you're not alone. You have friends here, me included. It might take you some time to get used to that, to really believe it. So I'm going to be here. I'm going to pick you up. I'm going to carry you, literally when I must. I will help dust you off, and get you back on your feet. I'll do it a hundred time -a thousand times- if that's what you need.

You will never let me down.

[ for all he wants to argue it, cas can understand her stance entirely, because in so many ways, he's the exact same way. loyalty is perhaps his strongest, fiercest attribute, cas stands by those he cares for absolutely, unflinchingly; he gave up his wings to stay by dean's side, gave up his grace, the very essence of who he is, and in the end he'd given up his life, too.

so he gets it. he gets it in a way he can't really argue. ]

.. yeah, all right. [ he says, squeezing her hand again and blinking rapidly to chase the wetness from his eyes. ] Can't say I deserve you, but hey - [ cracking a weak smile. ] - there's no accounting for taste.

No one deserves me, but I'm lonely and persistent.

[See what she did there?

Anyway, she smiles back, encouragingly, rubs her thumb along the back of his hand.]

And depending on who you ask, my taste atrocious, with a small smattering of exceptions. I should tell you about my Thayvian friend. He's a uh, what's the way you Terrans phrase it? A real dick?

[ good job, sye, cas cracks a smile. and it's a tired one, but genuine nonetheless; she's such a warm breath of fresh air that it's nearly impossible to feel morose, to keep up the ache, and even if cas isn't fixed, she chases away the shadows enough that he can breathe again.

he might not deserve the acquaintances - the friends he's made since he fell into this fleet, but he's stuck with them, and he can't be anything but glad for it. ]

Somehow I'm not surprised. But sure, go on, tell me all about your dick.

You know, I can tell by the way you said that, that I should be embarrassed. But I don't get the connotation, so there. [She sticks her tongue out at him here. She also blushed anyway.]

Anyway, how to describe Edwin? You know, there are no words, you kind of just have to experience it so. Here let me just give you an idea. I'll need this just one second. [She means her hand, that she has to take out of his. Because she has to pull her hair back, neat as possible. She sits up straight, and gets a very haughty, pinched lipped look on her face.

She is absolutely doing an impression. And it is pretty good. There's hand gestures!]

Greetings. I am Edwin. Odessieron. You simians may refer to me merely as "Sir", if you prefer a less....syllable intensive workout.

Edited (pronouns) 2016-03-30 07:27 (UTC)

[ cas can't help but grin, but he'll save explanations about dicks for another time.

.. for now, he just gets to enjoy her impression. he still feels like hell, doesn't laugh the way he might if he were more sober, less depressed, but as it stands he's still feeling lighter for her presence, her antics. ]

.. yeah, he seems like a real class act.

[She maintains the accent, though her hand goes back into his, and she's having more fun with it. She'd never dare mock Edwin to his face, but he's not here.]

He is a Red Wizard of Thay. They are always of the highest class. They are the most cultured, the most intelligent, and apparently the most skillful of lovers. But mostly they are the most full of hot air.

[ he's a little.. surprised, when her hand finds his again, like he hadn't been expecting it, but he's glad of it nonetheless. for all he was a standoffish thing for so long, never understood or cared for human affection, he all but craves it now. it's the only way he has to really connect with people.

so cas hesitates for a moment, before he squeezes her hand, and lifts it, brushing his mouth against her knuckles in a warm, grateful kiss. ]

.. thanks, little bird. For everything.

[Well. That'll stop her in her tracks, for a good heart beat. Hand holding is nice, hugs are great. She's even shared the same bed with people before, purely for sleeping purposes, but kissing, even in just a friendly fashion, is enough to get her to stop breathing for a moment.

In her way, she's probably as hungry for affection as he is. She's been touched in kindness more in the past year on the fleet than she has her entire remembered life. People offer their hands to her in greeting. She's been embraced and embraced others, when comfort was desperately needed. But kissing has not been among the things she's done. It's not a thing that had been ever done to her. Well, almost the once, back home, when Anomen had utterly misread their friendship as something more, but she had run away from that moment like a skittish colt with its tail on fire.

And now, she sits, and tries to remind herself she ought to blink. Or let the air out of her lungs that she's holding. She manages it after a few seconds, and she can feel her face warming. She must look pink from head to toe....if one could tell such a thing under all her clothes.]

...it's what friends are for... Right?

[ cas knows a thing or two about watching people, about reading them. he's learned so much these past years since he he fell, even more once he began to become more and more human, and her reaction is..

.. well, it's not surprising, per se, he might have expected a bit of a fluster if he'd been thinking ahead, but she looks so shocked he nearly feels guilty. dropping her hand back down, cas grins a little sheepishly, shrugs his shoulders and drops into safe, easy humor in attempt to disperse her tension. ]

Wouldn't know. I'm pretty bad at friends.

[His easy way is helpful, lets her relax and let the tension go. It was a grateful gesture, and he only meant well by it, so she'll stop acting like a silly child. Yes? Surely, she will. Though it's hard to will away the blushing. Of course, she does that so often these days, certainly it must seem practically habitual for her.]

Well that's certainly not true. You seem quite adept to me.

[ it works like a charm, as expected, and he's glad for it when she eases up and softens, back to her warm smiles again. ]

Well, I guess I've gotten a lot of practice in lately. You're a good influence.

[ cracking a weary smile, he squeezes her hand. ]

You should get some rest.

When have you ever known me to get any rest?

[She squeezes his hand right back.]

You're the one who needs it anyway. And maybe someone to watch over you in case you get sick. So I think I'll stick around for a little while.

[It's not a request. Nor does she ask if it's alright with him. For some occasions, politeness only gets in the way.]

Heh.. well, can't say I didn't try.

[ and he won't pester, because she's made her choice and he can't make her unmake it, and besides.. she's a comfort. she always is. cas downs a few more mouthfuls of water before he's settling back down. ]

Well if you change your mind, get some rest anyway. I'm gonna catch some more Z's.

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child_of_bhaal - 2016-04-02 01:04 (UTC) - Expand

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