driftfleet | i have become comfortably numb

Entry tags:

i have become comfortably numb

Who: Castiel & You Poor Unfortunate Souls
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: Waystation
When: Todayish..?? From like the 19th through the 21st. Text post is on the 22nd. Also a warning that this post contains drug use/references, cursing, and potential Unhappy Talk about painful subjects/depression what have you.

action;

[ it's easy, you know, to drown all of your shit out when you've got a bright, loud, roaring space station of extravagance, entertainment and debauchery to keep you occupied every moment of the day that isn't spent sleeping. good food, good drugs, good company - after living so long in a near-literal hellhole it'd been such an easy thing to give into temptation and drown his troubles in the usual ways, to have a good time, laugh and eat and distract himself with pretty lights and pretty people.

but space is quiet, once you're out in it, and soon enough they've drawn far away from the starlight and cas finds himself cut off from his sport. sure, he can still drink and get high, but that's not really the same, and without all the noise and bustle and activity of the station to drown out all of his thoughts it becomes.. more difficult to face certain realities that he's yet to come to terms with. dean's gone, probably dead back home, and cas hasn't stopped thinking about those crotes, about the hard bite of their teeth into his throat and their foul, suffocating breath. there's no going back home. not for him. and even if he could, there's nothing to go back to. it's all dead and gone, all his fault, and facing up to the hulking mountain of mistakes that his life has been, well -

- he's not strong enough. back home the weight of it was straining him, bending him, but then at least he had purpose, at least he had that thin sliver of hope. here? well, here it's a wash. here there's no more hope, and he's not bending, he's breaking.

so when that snap comes, he's gone from the red fish, disappearing to the waystation where he can blow all his newly acquired funds on booze and whatever cheap stuff is in these vending machines that will fuck him up properly. losing track of time is easy, days pass and he doesn't return to the ship, forgets to eat half the time, sleeps under benches, wanders aimlessly, but spends most of his time passed out beside one of the more remote vending machines, the lit cigarette loose in his hands burning down to his knuckles. ]

[ ooc; he's got some fellow shipmates coming to the rescue, so feel free to come across him any time, when he's relatively sober or less so, whatever's comfortable! he'll be there a couple days just moping about, so any time in that period is fine! ]

text;

So tell me, what do you guys do for a bad hangover, eh? Gotta be some homespun remedies we've got access to, right? These protein solids really aren't doing the trick.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ moving between the bathroom and his bunk for the better part of two days hasn't been, you know, very fun. to say he's a wreck might be an understatement, the shakes and the sweats are the worst of it; sam's locked away his hard stuff, which.. all right, fine, yeah, he gets it. he's being responsible. cas would appreciate it more if he weren't, you know, sick and jonesing hard. ]

Yeah, I figure I'd let you take the crown for prettiest on the ship this week.

[ he says, voice rough. clearly his sense of humor hasn't abandoned him. with a grunt, cas shifts over to make room. ]

[Okay good, he'll sit, and work on opening his bag.]

I take that crown every week.

[He pulls out a book. It appears to be fiction, something about stars if the cover is anything to go by. And here, Arthur hesitates.] Um... here.

[He holds out the book to him.] I bought it on a whim, but... I want you to have it.

[This isn't something he does normally, give out gifts, try and be there for someone in a little way, and his neck is red in nervousness.]

[ cas is too tired to refute the argument, so he offers a grin instead, weary though it might be, and nudges himself up a little further to sit against the wall.

he definitely doesn't expect the gift though. honestly, cas isn't sure that he's.. ever been given a gift before, so this is a pretty novel thing. a crease forms in his brow, but he's leaning forward anyway. ]

Wait, for me?

[ he accepts the book anyway, frowning thoughtfully at the cover and cracking it open to leaf through the pages. for all cas might come off as a drunk hippie pothead don't be fooled, he's actually a giant nerd. ]

Wow, this is.. pretty great.

Yeah. It looked good. I thought... I was hoping you'd enjoy it.

[He was picking at his bag's zipper, but now he looks up at Cas, wanting this part to be heard.]

As much as I like to be alone, as stupid as it sounds... the people on this ship, we're a team. And we'll work much better if we work together. I'm glad the others found you.

[ you really hit the nail on the head with this gift here, buddy, cas is gonna eat this right up. he knows everything there is to know about the cosmos back home, has explored every ever-expanding inch, but this place? it's all new.

but then arthur's talking, and cas is lowering his eyes, a pained, rueful smile tugging at his mouth. he looks tired. ]

.. thanks. Uh, sorry, I didn't mean to worry you guys. Lost my head for a bit, is all.

[Arthur looks away, too, going through his bag for some reason.]

Well, at least you lost the ugliest part of you.

[It's said with a bit playfulness, not near harsh enough-sounding to be honest.]

And the ship was a little empty, so... you know.

[ that's the sort of humor that cas can appreciate, for sure; it's a defense mechanism they share, perhaps, cracking inappropriate jokes to smooth over something awkward or painful. ]

Careful, keep flirting like that and I might think you're really interested.

[ waving one hand loosely to their general surroundings. ]

Yeah I know you missed me.

[His hand slips from the strap of his bag and it falls to the ground with a 'thunk'. And then he GLARES at Cas.]

Keep poking the bear, and we'll see what happens.

[He sets his shoulders down and practically sulks, rolling his eyes.] You wish.

[ oh if looks could kill.

too bad they can't. and goddamn if it isn't just too easy. leaning back against the wall, cas offers a slanted grin, nudging at arthur's thigh with his foot. ]

Damn, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

[He looks down at his foot and glares. How dare.]

Just. you.

[ a warm chuckle rumbles in his chest, and cas rests his head back, eyes hooded. ]

All right, all right, you're lucky I feel like hell warmed over, you're off the hook. But man, who took your sense of humor and chucked it out the window, huh?

[He looks down then, his face changing to a glare to something akin to a grimace.] Just because I don't laugh at your jokes...

[He sighs and leans back, glancing over at him.] Nothing's the same after people you love die.

[He really hasn't had to deal with death. Since his family disowned him, he never sees them, doesn't hear about grand-whatevers dying. But Mal...] But you don't need to hear about that.

[ for all cas likes to screw around, he knows when it's time to sober up, too, when he needs to shelve the inappropriate jibes; thankfully, when it's not his own shit he's dealing with, he's pretty good about lending that helping hand.

funny, how five short years was all it took to learn to be human. ]

Well, you're not wrong. [ he says, a little more softly. ] Something on your mind?

[ because he's not gonna pry, but he's not gonna shrug it off, either. ]

[He shakes his head, running his tongue over his bottom lip absently.] My colleague... friend. Cobb went a little... off the deep end. After his wife died. And she was my friend. But I've been so busy trying to keep Cobb afloat that I never-...

[He glances back up at him, shaking his head again.] You have bigger fish to fry. You don't have to listen.

[There's a bigger question behind the statement of 'why are you listening?']

Yeah well, don't you worry about my fish, they're frying just fine.

[ because honestly, he might not seem it but cas is an excellent listener. holding people up, keeping them together, it's what he does. he's been dean's doormat for years, and while he's come into himself so much more over these past five years, there's a part of him that's always going to be a servant, that's going to yearn to play support. it's just in his nature.

so arthur might be prickly, and have a stick up his ass, but he's got a good heart. and hearing about someone else's problems takes his mind off of his own. ]

.. yeah, I get it. [ see above. ] We give up a lot of ourselves for other people sometimes, makes it hard to know how to process your own pain when it's staring you in the face.

[His lips twitch to quirk up after the first part. Okay, so maybe Cas is a little funny sometimes.

He listens. And processes for a few seconds.] It's hard to be mad at Cobb when all he does is to try to chase ghosts. But I am. It feels selfish, to be mad when everything went fine.

[He pauses.] What would you think if I told you I was a thief?

[ cas doesn't follow, entirely, and a crease furrows his brow, but he's still listening closely. he chuckles, though, after a moment. ]

I'd say you look too goody-two-shoes for that, but hey, I've been wrong before.

[A smile creeps on his face slowly.] I know. That's how I've gotten away with so much in the past.

[He looks over at him and nudges at his shoulder with a hand.]

I think you'd like what I do. I steal ideas. Information. Secrets. Through people's dreams. It's kind of a rush.

[ ... well, he's hooked for sure. cas's brows shoot up in clear, unfeigned interest before they furrow over his eyes, his expression softening into something more thoughtful. ]

.. okay, you've got me. You're going to need to fill me in, here.

[ because he's intensely curious. ]

[Ha thought so.] We use something called a PASIV. It's a device that enables us to, once we're knocked out, enter the subconscious of the dreamer. If you're working, you can extract information. If you're just fucking around...

[He grins.] You can break physics, turn into somebody else, have a shootout and wake up perfectly fine. Hell, you could spend a day on the beach, if you wanted to.

[ yeah good job man, you saw through the hippie addict to the nerd beneath. good job. ]

Of course. You're in metaspace, physics don't apply when there's nothing physical to interact with. You said it's a.. machine that allows you to do this?

[ he's got that Thoughtful look, tired or not. ]

The machine is what controls and administers the Somnacin. The Somnacin is what enables us to enter dreams. It's a drug in liquid form that, when administered slowly and consistently, allows us to enter the subconscious of another person.

[He sighs.] I wish I had a PASIV and some Somnacin. I miss it.

Somnacin. Huh.

[ cas sits back, the tip of his finger scratching at his scruffy chin in thought. ]

That's.. fascinating. That a drug could exist that could achieve that. It's pretty complicated, walking into someone's subconscious. Complicated and.. dangerous. Pretty ballsy, for a human.

[ yeah maybe he's uh, not all that he seems. ]

[His lips lift up in amusement before he processes everything.] You're not human?

Me? Heh, no.. I look it, I know.

[ he'd been uncertain about divulging all of this before, when he'd been new to the fleet, but there's really no reason to hide it anymore. cat'll be out of the bag at some point. ]

Though I'm pretty much human, these days. For all intents and purposes.

i have become comfortably numb

good soldier!!

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