driftfleet | (no subject)

[She absorbs this intently... up until she gets to the bit when he calls himself a monster, at which point she rolls her eyes.]

Oh, shut up.

[Then she makes a little negating gesture, sitting back as she thinks. Not the most tactful thing to say, but she believes in truth, not tact.

But it's the way he talks about it--no desire to kill them. There were drums and everything turned into a nightmare. I came to. There's more to it than a cold desire to kill an entire race, that much is obvious.

And it makes her think... makes her think. Makes her try to remember.]

I had another partner before Maine, you know. Years ago. His name was Octavian. He was Envy, I was Wrath. And we were best friends with Hiro, who was Avarice.

And then one day, they both went away. And I didn't really think about it, because I thought I remembered Hiro getting married, and Octavian just wanting some quiet time to himself. But Hiro vanished, and Octavian... Octavian blew his own head off.

I know Hiro called me, before he vanished. I remember Octavian having a gun, even though I also remember that I couldn't have been there, because it never happened.

And then one day, a couple months ago--so this was years after Envy and Avarice were gone--there was this transmission on the network. Old footage. Civilians getting rounded up. Taken to the burnt-out area by District 1, only in the footage it was still regular buildings. Executed. Buried in secret. Erased. By people in the same armor and uniforms that I wore every day. And I recognized all of these things even though I still don't remember them. I could recognize which one was Octavian, and which one was Hiro, and which one was me.

Even though no one remembers this and it never happened. Except it all did.

[She cocks her head.]

Being a monster is really complicated sometimes, I guess.

[Well that's one way to react and he promptly shuts his mouth, watching her with a slow raising brow. Especially at the accompanying gesture which isn't very helpful in keying him in on what she wants him to do.

However he respectfully listens to her, frowning at some of the details because they sound almost sound similar to his own experiences. How there was no evidence of what happened until he started digging things up after having woken from the second dream in order to make sense of things. To try and remember what had happened.]

I was made to forget too. I don't know if to hide the truth to protect me or have deniability in the end.

[He finishes off what's left of his drink.] I guess yea. Just a pair of monsters that makes us.

They always say it's for your own good. Guess it's a nice story to tell yourself, right?

[She sighs, swirling the contents of her still half-full mug.]

I think smarter people than me could say a lot about being a monster or not. Like Vision. He's super smart, he knows about things like that.

Because there are a lot of hard questions that I can't answer. If we can't remember, are we the same people who did those things? If we can't remember, how do we know if we did them willingly or not? Does it matter if we did? Just because you didn't mean to shoot someone doesn't mean they're any less dead. But am I--are we--the person holding the gun, or the gun?

I don't know. It's above my pay grade, this kind of shit. There isn't any answer that feels right. All we've got is who we are now and what we can do now. We're soldiers. So we do our jobs, and we do them well.

[That sounds like what the Lotus had offered him. How it had been for his own. So he nods and slowly turns the mug on the counter.]

I suppose.

I would prefer if the rest of the crew didn't know about this for now. The Stalker is an obvious threat and the information regarding him can be shared with no qualms but what I told otherwise... Can that be between us? [He trusts her enough with that.]

...I want to say that we're different. Memories tend to make a person and if we forgot those and focus on others, wouldn't that create another version of us? I hated the Orokin and what they did to me and the others but I wouldn't want to doom an entire empire. You don't seem like someone who'd want to kill civilians.

Maybe it's best that we don't dwell over this. But yes we're soldiers. If anything, we'll protect this crew and those we care for.

The rest of the crew doesn't need to know. It's your story, not mine. Only... I think you should tell the captain. Or I can, if you don't feel comfortable doing it. He's not going to tell anyone else, but he should be aware of the full situation. [And he'll probably have smart things to say about it.]

Soldiers serve. So yeah. I... can't even figure out why I would do something like that. Just like you wouldn't want to commit genocide. So I guess we are different people now.

[Protecting people. That's a solid goal. That's what she always comes back to. Soldiers serve, and they're good at it.]

I'll think about it. Is that ok? As you probably know, it's not something that should be openly shared too much. It dredges up too much.

[It was already too much having enlightened Wrath to it all but it felt right in the end. Both of them had been through something similar.]

Different people. [Said again as if to reaffirm the idea.] Better people if I can say so. And...thank you. For listening.

I understand. And I won't say anything if you don't want me to.

I'm here for you if you need me, Tenno. No bullshit. [It's important to have someone who understands, at least a little.]

That would be for the best.

And ugh... [Kind of hard to say the next thing because it's a work in progress.] Thank you for being a friend. I don't know who else I could've gone to or well get through my thick skull.

[She gives him a bright, warm smile.] You're welcome. And... I'm glad to help.

[A weak smile is offered but the exhaustion is now hitting him hard.]

I should probably go get that sleep I need. Maybe steal me away for more of this drink sometime afterwards. Have a good rest of your day.

Go sleep, I'll talk to the Captain. And any time, just come find me and I'll make you more of this.

[She reaches across the table to grip his hand briefly.]

[Oh. Well that is certainly something. He glances down at the hand in his before giving it a soft squeeze.]

I'll keep in mind. Night.

[Then he slips his hand from hers and heads off in order to try and recover from his own mistake.]