driftfleet | he's probably fine.

Entry tags:

he's probably fine.

Who: Mikleo
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: On the Huntress!
When: Now, basically

[You know what's great about being a seraph? Never getting sick. You know what's not great about being a seraph? Having zero frame of reference for what being sick is like when you experience it for the first time. And after a month of quietly enduring and/or ignoring it, despite being a water elemental trapped on a planet full of poisonous water, it's finally caught up to him.

It doesn't help that this realization comes hand in hand with the fact that he's been upgraded to captain, apparently, which is as nonsensical a decision as he's ever heard from the Atroma. The one perk - besides the sudden lack of malevolence on the Huntress due to Greed's departure - means that he now has a big bed to curl up and be miserable in.]

I have a few questions.

is there some sort of guide for captain's duties? for those who lack experience.

also:

how do you tell whether you are dying or just sick

[...Those questions should probably have had a completely different priority, but whatever. He's too sick to be bothered.

He makes an attempt at sending this out as an anonymous communication, but he's a bit too light-headed and bleary-eyed to pull it off, so it probably doesn't work too well. He still doesn't show up on camera, so there is that.]

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[This is what he wanted to avoid, that guilt in Mikleo's voice, the shame on his face. Sorey can't quite look at him either but he knows it's there.

His hands clench over his knees. The worst is that he can't just shove empty platitudes at Mikleo, reassure him that it's fine because it isn't. It would just be another lie and it would hurt Mikleo even worse. He'd taken a stand on this issue before, with Gramps, but...maybe he should've talked about this with Mikleo too. He'd just sat back and hoped that once Mikleo interacted with humans, as they traveled with Alisha and Rose that maybe things would be different, that maybe Mikleo would change his mind.

That was a mistake.]

No, [Sorey says slowly.] Mikleo, I- I can't be the exception. [He takes a deep breath, finally looks up at Mikleo and the guilt is almost palpable when he sees how sick he looks. He's never seen Mikleo look this way. He should've brought this up later.] ...I'm sorry. But I'm not- You can't think of me as better than everybody else. If you do, I'm-

[I don't have anyone to fall back on.]

[The movement, so close, forces Mikleo to look up as well, though what he sees - the conflict in Sorey's eyes, the worry in his expression - just makes him look down again. The fact that Sorey couldn't finish is worrisome, because what does he mean? But at the same time, he just can't agree.]

It's not about what you are, but... who you are. How you act, how you treat people- humans and seraphim alike. It's why Lailah chose you, after waiting as long as she did. It's why everyone's willing to follow you and support you. You're not better than the other humans, you're just-

[He gestures vaguely, grasping for the words, not willing to say them if they'll just end up hurtful. He's better than all of them. Humans, seraphim, anyone. He's the best person Mikleo knows.

Years ago, he'd never say something like that to keep Sorey from developing an ego about it, though he'd always believed it. Now... is it just putting even more weight on his shoulders than he's already carrying?

It's not like he can take it back now, but now he's regretting it.]

[Sorey's already shaking his head, because he's not getting it, Mikleo's not getting it. Sorey has to explain it to him clearly. He has to make himself understood, for both their sakes.] If a strong tree sprouts from the ground, do you praise the seed or the earth that nurtured it?

Mikleo, I'm the seed. Maybe- maybe something about me makes me special, I don't know, but if anyone else had been in my position, it could've been just the same.

[He looks up and begs with his eyes, with his tone, by the way he leans forward. It's for Alisha, for her people. For Father Breunor, for all of the humans who just wanted to live their lives in peace. People he still feels so separate from but, after meeting them, after seeing them laugh and live together even when times are so grim, he feels more kinship with them than ever.

Their lives are finite. There's no time to do anything but care, as hard as you possibly can.]

I'm a mortal too. I'm as capable of doing anything as they are. If all mortals are clumsy, and negligent and foolish, then so am I.

[Hesitantly, Mikleo forces himself to look up again, to meet Sorey's gaze properly. He hates that this is making them both so distressed, but now that they've gotten things moving again, he can't let it stop.]

I... I know that. I'm not saying you're perfect. This- this is me you're talking to, remember?

[The attempt to be flippant falls flat, and he abandons it immediately, forging ahead, his brows furrowing in determination. He's trying to understand Sorey's position, but there are things Sorey needs to understand, too.]

No one expects mortals to never make mistakes. It's not like the seraphim are perfect either, remember? The ones we've met proved that, just as much as any of the humans have. Those who get angry and fall to malevolence, like the Lords of the Land... those who gave up on humans, like Edna... those who used them, like Dezel... even everyone in Elysia, myself included, just hid behind Gramps' barrier where it was safe, and let the world rot below us.

[He's not ashamed of that, not exactly, although he knows now that it was wrong. It's how they were raised, it's what they were always taught. If Sorey hadn't rebelled against it to find Alisha, Mikleo would have been content to stay there as long as they could. Elysia was home, and the whole village was his family. There had been no human he cared about but Sorey until Alisha had proven herself just as kind. He'd had no reason to leave.]

I don't hate mortals. You know that. I can't even resent them, even with all the malevolence they create, when I can see that they're trying. That's why, I...

[He loses his nerve, ducking his head again and pressing one hand to his face. He doesn't want to get angry again, but- it's hard. This place is horrible, and it's bringing out the worst of him.]

I hate it here, Sorey.

[Sorey can't really argue any of that. It's all Mikleo's experiences, what he's taken away from the journey. Though some of it stings-

I can't even resent them, even with all the malevolence they create

-he can't argue with that, either. Whatever their individual feeling are aside, the facts are the facts. Mortals are the ones who have steeped the world in malevolence, and even innocent seraphim suffer from it.

What was it that had hit him so hard, then? At the time he'd thought it was something Mikleo had said, had thought or felt that had just jarred him so hard that he'd wrenched away. But if Mikleo's saying he didn't think the way Sorey thought he did, had he just...imagined it? Was it really all just in his head?]

I know, [Sorey says softly, and that's as sincere as he can get it because he does. He knows Mikleo hates the sterility of their environment, he hates not having all their friends, he hates not having the freedom to go wherever he wishes. He hates that the only places they stop are just as artificial or even more polluted than their own world. Most of all, he must hate that they can't do anything against the malevolence they see wrapping around the people here like a protective shroud. Sorey can feel it, but not like the seraphim do. However ill it makes him, it must be so much worse for them.] I know you hate it. We've been here for months, and...nothing. No clues on how to go back home.

I don't mean that. The fleet, the ships, it's- it's not ideal, obviously. I won't deny that. I want to go back. But it's not... all bad, either. There aren't any hellions, and Dezel's alive, and we're learning a lot about what's beyond our own world. There are good people here.

[And it's... well, it's an adventure, the two of them exploring together once again. It's a lot like when they were kids, before Sorey became the Shepherd and everything changed. He doesn't regret those changes, but he can feel nostalgia for what they lost in the process, surely.]

What I meant... it's this moon. The mortals here destroyed it, destroyed everything trying to change it, just so they could claim it for themselves. They should be focusing on how to reverse it, at least minimize the damage they're still doing, but instead they put masks on and play games. It's horrible.

[Even here, away from the planet, it aches to think about it. The sluggish flow of poison in the water, churning up from the core, spreading and infecting everything in its path...

He swallows hard, fist clenched at his forehead so tightly his knuckles are going white.]

They don't want to acknowledge that it's dying, but it's all I've been able to feel since we got here...

[Sorey can understand what Mikleo's saying, at least the barest meanings of it; the planet was rotting, completely and utterly desecrated. It was horrible and though Sorey had enjoyed exploring the culture of the people, he couldn't deny how nature had been twisted. It was disgusting and horrible, but Mikleo- for him, it was so much more visceral. Like malevolence; no matter how unpleasant Sorey finds it, somehow, it's always worse for his seraphim. The limitations of being mortal, maybe.

Guilt surges up with his inability to understand Mikleo as deeply as he should, and he reaches up to cup Mikleo's hand between his, not liking how tightly he's curled it.] Don't strain yourself, Mikleo. I'm- I hear what you're saying. I don't understand, I'm not sure I can, but I hear you.

[He urges Mikleo back against the pillows again, rewetting the cloth to wipe down his face.] I'm sorry I shut you out. I shouldn't have hidden my heart from you when you were already in pain like that.

[Mikleo doesn't put up much of a fight, slumping back against the bed and closing his eyes. For a long set of moments he just focuses on the cold water on his skin, letting it ease some of the heat he'd been feeling for too long already. It can't fix what's wrong with him, but he hadn't realized how much he'd needed this small comfort until now.]

I... don't blame you. Maybe I should have told you sooner, too, but... I think a part of me was hoping you wouldn't notice, either. I've never felt like this before.

[He sighs wearily. If he's allowed to be annoyed with Sorey for not being honest, he'd better stop dancing around his own issues.]

I remember what Lailah said, once... to deny ourselves, to resist what we know as reality- it's what lets in the malevolence. That's why I was so passionate about it. I had to do something, I had to try, so I wouldn't...

[--Become a hellion. And he can't say the words, because saying it aloud used to be so much easier when it wasn't about himself.

I was scared.]

[That, at least, Sorey can pick up on with no need for translation. He rests a hand on Mikleo's chest and leans over him, brow scrunched.]

I won't let that happen. I promise. You'll never be a hellion Mikleo, I swear.

[With anyone else, such a promise would be just empty words. After all, no one can guarantee the future. Stronger and wiser seraphim than he have become hellions, those who know how to rein in all the awful feelings that nurture malevolence. They lived for hundreds, thousands of years and still fell into darkness in the wrong situation. And a human, someone who'll live a hundred years if they're lucky, can't guarantee never to an immortal. It's ludicrous. Unbelievable, really.

Sorey, though... Sorey could make him believe pretty much anything. There's nothing empty about that sort of conviction, or the trust they share.

Mikleo doesn't respond outright, but he does nod slightly, offering up his forearm, his hand shifting to a more relaxed fist this time. For all the difficulties they've had lately, they haven't lost each other. The rest doesn't matter.]

[Sorey taps his arm to Mikleo's.

It's not like he's unaware, or that he's optimistic to the point of idiocy. It's not that he's denying his own reality; that as a human being, Mikleo's lifespan will far outstrip his own. That as a mortal, he's just as susceptible to the corruption of malevolence as anybody else. He knows it, and Mikleo knows it to. As friends, there's never a thing that they couldn't share with each other. That's why their armatization always fits a little bit better, why learning alongside Mikleo has always been a much smoother process. As partners, they're unstoppable because of the strength of their bonds.

If it was only that simple, maybe this wouldn't be so hard.]

I understand how important this is to you now, Mikleo. [To make this about him, about his insecurities- it would be selfish. All Mikleo's ever done is support him. It's about time he gave a little more back.] Let me be your strength this time. We can try again- I won't hide anything from you. We can try as many times as you need, and maybe with the armatization, you won't get sick.

[Mikleo frowns a little at that, quiet for a moment longer before he opens his eyes again, glancing over at Sorey. The offer is kind, and not surprising, considering the source of it. But time and distance have at least given him a few clues at what he should be doing, here.]

I want to say yes... and I'm not really saying no, I guess, but... it won't help. We'd just be wasting our energy and adding to our frustration. Whatever is going on here, our kind of purification isn't the answer, even with something as powerful as armitization. We need to look deeper.

[It's not the same as giving up, even if it feels like it. More of a reality check.

They're going to need some help with this one.]

[He's right, of course. Not everything here can be solved just by him being the Shepard and Mikleo and Dezel being seraphim. In fact, it seems like very very little can be solved with just that. It's the opposite of home, where he had to pick and choose which problems to tackle. Here, it seems like every issue that crops up not only doesn't have a use for them, but will actually get worse with their interference.

They'll have to approach this the Mikleo and Sorey way, rather than the seraphim and Shepard way.] It seems like a lot of people on the Fleet are already pretty concerned about this. I'm sure we can find someone who needs our help; and you can read the water, so your detection skills will probably be really useful. We should ask around.

It's my understanding that it all comes down to the machines they used to change the planet. Those... terraformers. Once we get access to them, we'll get a clearer picture, I think. They'll probably need engineers.

[He smiles faintly. He, too, can recognize the parallels.]

Like opening up a door to deeper ruins. We've got way more experience with this.

Well when you put it like that, it actually sounds kind of fun. [not that sorey thinks he'll be too helpful on the engineering front, but there's definitely something exciting about discovering clues to solving a mystery. especially with mikleo at his side.]

...You're not allowed to get distracted.

[He won't deny that the sentiment is both appealing and mutual, however.

Well, okay, he might deny, but he'll still feel it.]

I won't! Besides, the job itself would be to discover more about those terraformers, right? Can't get distracted by the thing we're already going to be doing. [what if they find RUINS underground hoshit]

[He can already think of a dozen ways this will go wrong...]

Fair enough. But I'm definitely coming along, just in case.

Oh ho, just to keep an eye on me? Not to have a look around for yourself? [Sorey fetches the cloth and rewets it. He's supposed to be looking after Mikleo, after all.]

...Hmph.

[The downside of growing up with someone: they know you too well.]

As long as I'm there, I might as well see what's what. I can't let you take the lead when it comes to discoveries.

Are you sure you should wander so far? You're the Captain now, don't you have a duty to the ship? [mops mikleo's brow] I don't mind taking the lead.

Edited 2016-06-09 01:15 (UTC)

[Uuugh, right. He should be annoyed by that, but actually, it reminds him-]

Well then, you won't mind taking on the first mate position, as well as half the work.

Definitely don't mind. I'd be honored, actually. [It'd be neat, to be the one supporting Mikleo for a change.]

[....]

Idiot. At least give it some thought, first.

[It's not surprising, though. Sorey's tendency to do something reckless because it'll help others is what set them off on their journey right from the get-go.]

What's there to think about? [hit the nail on the head, mickey] You're always supporting me. I'm happy to have the opportunity to do the same for you.

he's probably fine.

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