driftfleet | video.

Who: Sam Winchester
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: SS Red Fish
When: Today-ish

[Sam's currently taking the time to heal after certain people we shall not name shot him in the arm; it's all good, it's all good. Pop some pain meds, keep the arm from getting worked too hard, it's going great. But now that he can't go do some work down on the moon, he's a bit more restless. Maybe he should tell Katie about his arm, have her work a little magic mojo...? Or should he just. Not tell the small child that someone shot him in the arm. Anyway.

He takes some time to voice some internal stuff. It was mostly spawned by Nightingale, and he can't help but speak up; it's utterly bizarre, he thinks, that he does that now. Speak up. He's still shitty at it, like, 60% of the time, but every percent counts. He compares it to the guy who was dying in a chapel not so long ago, and really, the amount of worth he's found in himself compared to then is staggering when he thinks about it.

Things change. He feels like he's been changing at a vicious pace for the last eleven years. But is that so surprising? Considering the friggin' circumstances, he supposes it only makes sense.]

Someone here asked me how to think positive.

More than that, how to be positive about yourself. And honestly? That's a work in progress. Don't get me wrong, you're talking to a hypocrite if I go... chiding you on healthy outlooks. But you know, someone from another world gave me a task, back when I was low — I mean, really low. She said... Even if it's only once a week, once a month, you should stop and remind yourself of something positive — about yourself. Some good thing you do, or some skill you have. Something that makes you you. Strengths. Foundations for others to work off of. Or hey, maybe you just like the way your nose looks.

If's kind of important, isn't it? Feeling like you're worth something in some way. I'd argue it's kind of a survival technique, right? Believing in your capabilities, they kind of help you get through rough situations. Help you be a better person, or contribute in a way that makes you feel like an important puzzle piece.

[He sweeps his hands though the air, palm-up, simply gestures that come with conversation. One arm is less lively than the other.]

And yeah, I can already hear some of you, telling me to pipe down on the armchair psychology, can it with the talk show advice. Kind of sappy, right? But I mean — hear me out, huh? Humor me.

What's something you guys like about yourselves?

...

And if you give some creepy, flippant, or otherwise wise-ass reply for some chuckles, we get it. You like how edgy you are.

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[Sam stands his ground. Because he has to. To say that what Dean's says 'hurts' would be an understatement. No matter how he feels, no matter how wrong he thinks Dean is, he hates to tune in to what he knows is pain; sure, Dean tries to hide it — but if there's one person Sam's confident can read it between the lines, it's him.]

You don't have to watch for anyone. You don't have to lead anything. Hell, you don't have to save anyone. Just... don't do anything that'll get you into trouble, just to get yourself a bunch of burnt bridges.

I'll watch your back.

[Because that's his job. It'll be his job.]

And work on getting things figured out with the Atroma.

[ God almighty he wants to shake you so bad it hurts. Because he's so goddamn sure he's in the right, he's so absolutely positive about it because he has to be. Because trying to be something else is terrifying and giving up on the black and white idea of this is enough to wreak havoc on his head.

He can't help that it's become ingrained and really, he's fairly sure he had a good reason for it to begin with. ]

And if i've got you and Cas, then why the hell would I need any other bridges?

[ Answer him that poignantly terrible question. ]

... Picture this, Dean.

[He steps forward, stands a few steps in front of Dean with a quiet tempered patience and a look that screams many years of his own. He rubs a hand across his mouth, drops his hand.]

You have Cas — sure, a little different than he was before, but he's your Cas. And you've had your brother. You don't think you'll need anyone else. But then something — bad happens, while you're trying to stop the world from ending all over again, and they're just... gone. Before you can even blink, they're gone, and you're left all alone. Just you and the car keys, and nobody's left to pick up a phone.

What do you do?

[What if Sam and Cas vanish tomorrow, Dean?

He wants you to be prepared, to have alliances. To be ready.]

[ He's not doing this. He's not doing this.

He's not doing this.

Cas is already dead and it's his fault.

Something behind Sam's shoulder becomes utterly fascinating while he continues to speak, the utter point-blank-ness of it enough to make him feel like the world is at a precipice all over again. The edge of death he's sat on for five years. It's near excruciating - he hates having to face what he did to Cas, despite his mind reminding him of it on a nearly minute by minute basis, recognizing his own failure while being perfectly aware of the fact that it's not what Sam is getting at. No, he's not clueless to what Sam is saying, he's thought of it before, and it's crushing enough that he's halfway inclined to put a fist into Sam's face just to get him to stop.

Just make it stop.

But all he can think about, all he can think about, is the fact that he already killed Cas once, that he already made choices that fucked things up so severely that he lost it all and that there's nothing left to return to. ]

You put up or shut up.

[ Except he might not even be remotely willing to make eye contact at this exact moment in time. ]

[Yeah, well, Sam's looking right at you, Dean.]

You find something to hold onto.

[ Why couldn't you have just let him walk away!!

He needs to go be miserable whilst not being stared at and now more than ever, when the world is getting horridly misty, Dean could go for some privacy like nobody's business. ]

Not if there's nothing else.

[He smiles sadly.]

... There's always something else.

[Even when Sam doesn't want it, too. Even when he's ready to lay down and die. There was Ruby leading him toward darker things. There was Amelia leading him toward a moment's peace. There was Dean, pulling him back when he wanted the Trials to swallow him whole and spit out the bones. There's always something to fill that miserable kind of void.]

I can't say it'll be the thing you want. But. There is. That counts for here, too. [He reaches out to pat Dean's shoulder, stops and hovers there.] Just... consider that, okay? Think on that.

[ No, there really isn't.

There's Cas. There's been Cas ever since he lost you, and that's it. Dean's just grown used to that fact, which makes it infinitely easier to believe that there will never be anyone else. ]

Gonna have to agree to disagree.

[You just get a patented Sam Winchester Sappy-Eyed Look.]

... Just takes some time.

You'll see. It'll get better.

[ No, nononono- you don't get to look at him like that. Dean can't handle it and besides, he doesn't even remotely believe you. ]

Because that's ever happened.

[ Can he slowly walk away now. Is that allowed. ] Anything else you want to add?

It has happened. It will.

[Sam's got faith. He's always had to have some of it, to get through the day. After a moment, he cocks his head to the side. Is quiet, as he mulls over Dean's words, his tone, the aura around him that screams escape. His lips curve, just slightly.]

... Let's go play darts later. I won't even dive into any feel-good movie speeches.

[ Dean stares for what feels like a long ass moment, trying to mull his way through this one to come out whole on the other side. But he can at least admit to himself that he's gotten to a point where spending time with Sam doesn't feel as if he's betraying, who- himself? He doesn't even know anymore.

So fine, this is something he can do. And potentially even enjoy. ]

Keep it off the Hallmark channel and we'll be fine.

[He sighs a breath through his nose, hands moving to sit on his hips.]

Sounds like a deal.

[And so, we've avoided any big arguments for the rest of the day.

~~And all was okay until Meg showed up.~~]

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