driftfleet | (no subject)

You say that like it makes it easier. [Maybe it does, but she never found having people she cares about dying got easier.]

To some extent, it does.

[ Charles finds it easier to die than to watch people die. ]

Charles... [You're getting a worried look, sir. And the worried feelings to back it up.]

[ He shakes his head, rueful. ]

Don't worry about it. That kind of mentality . . . is for a different place and it isn't needed anymore.

Yeah. [She says it slowly as if trying to decide if she agrees with her "yeah" but in the end she does.] I get that. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to survive or protect others.

[It was jarring to her sometimes to think about how much she's changed in the last ~~seven~~ year and handful of months. Because she could. Because there were fewer threats and different kinds. Because she was away from so much of what she'd known and had to adapt in completely new ways. She imagines anyone who has been through one of these places has had some kind of shift like that.

For Charles and the rest of them from his home maybe it worked the other way. A nicer home and harsher environment after it.]

[ Charles nods in understanding. That's how it's been. He's pushed himself to the limit in trying to protect others. ]

And now?

And now...survival is easy here. There's time to focus on other things. [Unavoidably in some cases.]

[ His lips curve, faintly nostalgic. ]

That makes it strange, doesn't it? That we have time to focus on other pursuits, that we don't have to look over our shoulders.

There's always a little bit of looking. [That habit dies hard even if it's not so necessary.] But yeah. Definitely strange. Lots of growing pains.

That's probably something we can both work on. You're not alone in feeling that way.

No. I guess I wouldn't be. Especially in a place like this. Lifted out of all the troubles and concerns of our regularly scheduled lives.

[ He nods. ]

That's the first place to start when it comes to stress disorders. We have to recognize the normalcy of it.

Yeah? What's step two?

Step two is walking through them. Think you can manage it?

[Unsure.] ...As I'll ever be.

Whenever you're ready then. I'll have a link open so I can feel what you feel. Then I'll slowly dial down the intensity. The memories themselves will be unchanged.

What am I supposed to do? Think about things that have been bad?

If that helps. It works best with whatever you want to start with.

I guess...the beginning? Go ahead. Link.

[She takes a breath and she thinks about the day she lost her parents, but she isn't ready to get into that so she backs up a little further to the day she walked home from dance class at thirteen. Her head was pounding mercilessly. It wasn't her first headache and she was starting to get worried something was really wrong with her. Instead of starting homework or getting a snack she headed inside and laid down on her bed. She closed her eyes and in a couple of minutes she felt better as if it was almost entirely gone.

But when she opened her eyes there was a whole new kind of wrong going on. She wasn't in her room upstairs. She was lying on the living room floor. It didn't make any sense to her. She did her best to ignore the situation and pretend it hadn't happened. The next time she reached through the fridge when she wanted to grab an apple. She'd only meant to open the door, but then her hand was sliding through and the old appliance sparked and stopped running. Her parents figured it just gave out and she was to scared to say anything about it. Another couple of accidents happened before she was willing to admit it to herself.

Mutant.

Almost everyone was talking about them and nearly without fail every comment was fearful, hateful, or mocking. Even the media treated them like the most severe threat. Not like people. Never like people.

She pulled away from everyone, her parents included, she couldn't risk someone seeing she was one of the monsters.]

[ This is a familiar story to most mutants, even Charles to some degree, though his mutation gave him the ability to avoid the potential bigots in their world. Gently, he draws out the fear and pressure. It's still there, but muted now. It'll no longer feel like an invisible barrier between her and connecting with others. ]

[She watches Charles for a moment. She can feel...something. She doesn't know what exactly, but it's not bad so she fights against the impulse to shut it out. She came to him for a reason. What's the point if she doesn't try? Taking a deep breath she moves on to the part she skipped before.

It's a normal afternoon. She's sitting at the dining room table working on homework. Her parents are in the living room. Normal except for their daughter with a secret. Peaceful except for what happens next.

The door is blown open, sending splinters through the room and a couple of Infinite soldiers—part technology and part genetic fodder—move inside. There had been pictures of them on the news. There had been attacks in various locations worldwide, but they'd stayed relatively small and distant until now. Until it was her home. Until they spoke in their almost robotic tone that they were seeking "Designate, Katherine Pryde. Classification: Alpha mutant." Her father tried to push them back as he called out for them to run. But he couldn't buy them time. He was dead in an instant. He was nothing to them. Insignificant. A flatscan. Her mom was next. And the whole time Kitty felt so utterly frozen in place. It felt like years of inaction when it was probably a matter of seconds. Less than a minute for her world to fall apart so completely.

And then she was running and running and somehow when she finally collapsed, heaving for breath and shaking from fear, emptying the contents of her stomach in an empty storefront she realized she'd been running through obstacles instead of around them.

It won't be until much later that she realizes they must have been unable to track her while phased. In the moment it doesn't matter much. She's scared and completely alone in the world. Her parents died because of her and their dying act was still to try and protect her when they couldn't protect themselves.]

[ This one was a little more intense. Memories of the Sentinels flood back briefly, of a stadium falling towards him and the Sentinels flying above, Erik floating above with his speech that spelled the end of everything --

Charles wrenches himself from his memory and hers before he tries the same thing. This one was harder, a little too personal. So he decides to check. ]

How do you feel?

[So, so dryly.] Oh, super terrific. Anytime I can relieve their deaths with the most detail possible it is the best. [But it is something she has relived before in retellings and nightmares and the prison's various mind games. It doesn't make her shake anymore. There aren't any tears. There could be. She still feels deeply for her parents, but in this moment there are none. The memory still hurts. She still feels guilt and frustration for doing nothing as they acted. For not running away from home or training herself in her powers or anything that might have saved them even though she knows it was never going to be easy. The world was breaking apart and they might have been the lucky ones dying so quickly, never having to see it fall to ruins. Caught up in her own thoughts and feelings it takes her a moment to notice she may not be the only one affected here.]

Are you okay?

[ He rubs his forehead. ]

Yes, not to worry. Telepathy is often a two-way connection. I tend to feel strongly as well.

[Softly.] Yeah, I guess it would be. That's probably enough of those for now anyway. [She could use some time to sit with this and see if she still feels good about it. She also doesn't want to overwhelm Charles or herself.]

Edited 2016-07-01 03:01 (UTC)