mk.04 (text)

[paraclete]

Who: Kaworu Nagisa and anyone who has the time to read his super boring blogpost (or anyone who's having tech troubles?!)
Broadcast: fleetwide
Action: N/A
When: 6/6

I did something recently, and I was reminded of how enjoyable it is. So: you can let me know if you're trying to repair or operate any electronics, and I can help. :)

It led me to something interesting, though. Fleet, I'm wondering: can you trace the lines of your special course back to one outstanding event? There are many things which contribute to the quality and experience of a person's life -- first love, rebellion against authority, the realization of goals; death and loss, apathy then grief; the stunning circumstances surrounding a birth. But maybe there's a day that prophesied your fate, and it could be that, at the time, you had no idea an extraordinary event was happening. That's how it happened for me. I couldn't have known that the day of one person's birth was enough to present me with purpose. It would take some time for me to realize that. It's a joy to know that this one event which was predestined for me is something to be celebrated. What about you? The moment that stands out to you as fate's hand, did you know right away that it would change your life? Or were you blindsided?

Now, while I'm thinking of all that... I'd like to request something of Ikari Shinji-kun.

Comments

[forcesensitive]

people can make you think you dont have a choice but you always do

sometimes it means leaving everything you know

sometimes it means doing what they always said was impossible

a lot of the time it means youre afraid but you gotta do it anyway

[paraclete]

[...

Kaworu can't truly convey how deeply this resonates with him. —No, he can! He has the ability to choose! But he must choose to keep a part of this quietly unto himself. He makes the decision not to confide that he didn't know what free will was until he was fifteen years old. He makes the decision not to confess that once he learned that he could choose, he betrayed everything he ever knew. So Finn can't know how striking this is for Kaworu, but Kaworu will still say,]

Thank you for saying that. It's something everyone should hear, and sometimes we need a reminder.

[forcesensitive]

[Stormtroopers don't break conditioning. No one would ever infiltrate the heart of the First Order. You can't even just pick up a lightsaber and start using it in a fight without slicing your own arm off.

None of that had stopped him. He'd been terrified most of the time, of course, and only held together by the skin of his teeth, but he'd done it anyway.]

i know what you mean i think if anyone ever told me that my life would have been real different

too bad i had to figure it out for myself

[paraclete]

But it was worth it, right?

[forcesensitive]

yeah

yeah it was worth it

even knowing everything that came after id choose the same way every time

[paraclete]

As long as you never lose that conviction, you'll be able to keep going.

[forcesensitive]

thanks kaworu

i have a feeling theres still a lot left to do

[paraclete]

Thanks to you, too, my friend.

I'm sure that there is, but that's the wonder of life. There is much ahead of you, and some of it will be very difficult, and some of it will be amazing.

[forcesensitive]

[Wait, thanks for what? He didn't do anything.]

theres still so much to do i got a feeling its gonna be about 999 difficult parts to 1 amazing part

worth it anyway

[paraclete]

[On some crazy level, all of this makes Kaworu feel very validated. He hates himself for ever feeling close to giving up, but he knows and is reminded that continuing to make an effort is the right thing to do.]

Your hope is very inspiring.

[forcesensitive]

[He tried running away, giving up. It hadn't worked out so well.]

well

its a lot easier when i know i got friends at my back

[paraclete]

Man finds solace in being understood and uplifted. The support of a friend is like sustenance for your heart. I am sure you'll reach your aspirations, and then you can share it with your friends. :)

[forcesensitive]

sustenance for my heart

i like that

[paraclete]

The heart is a growing, changing thing. It needs to be nourished and nurtured. If you cultivate your heart's capacity, good things will happen.

[forcesensitive]

[There's a pause as he considers that.]

but you have to be careful to feed it good things

[paraclete]

You're right. Pain sometimes precedes growth. There is virtue to be found in fragility. But everyone wants to feel good, and every heart asks to be treated kindly. Show respect and caring for your heart and all that it does, and it will support you.

[forcesensitive]

this friend of mine from home

i dont think anyone was ever kind to her before

but she saved my life because i helped her out of something even though she probably could have found her own way out shes smart like that

[paraclete]

I love someone like that, too.

[He's not sorry for jumping directly to The L Word — he does associate friendship with love.]

Even if your friend could have navigated her problems on her own, you did your own sort of saving. When you extend your hand to someone, it's more than just an action. It's a display of kindness where they might otherwise not have known it.

You helped each other. But, that's what friendship is, right?

[forcesensitive]

[Perhaps tellingly, he doesn't deny The L Word here.]

do you think so i mean id do anything for her because shes my friend but i guess i dont expect the same back from anyone

[paraclete]

[That's a little... too relatable... But Kaworu lives in a state of constant denial and delusion, and he's a hypocrite to boot. He really believes everything he's telling Finn — it's just that feels applicable to Finn, to anyone, but not to himself. So, disregarding his own circumstances, he can write with 100% confidence: ]

You deserve that same amount of love and kindness, Finn.

[forcesensitive]

[There's a much longer pause this time.]

its hard to believe that when all youre told is that youre nobody

im trying though

[paraclete]

[Kaworu is patient through pauses, just like he's patient for a person who doesn't understand how to love themselves. Finn isn't a lost cause. Nobody is a lost cause. (Kaworu has to believe that.)]

I know it's hard. But you are worth more than the sum of someone's cruelty.

[forcesensitive]

[Considering how he could have turned out, he's a long way from being a lost cause. Because he is trying, even when it's difficult.]

its easier here at least where i can get away from those someones i can just be finn here nobody even ever asked me for my family name

[paraclete]

Do you like being "just Finn"?

[forcesensitive]

i like being finn maybe some day there will be more to it but maybe not either is okay

[It's a hell of a lot better than the "name" he had before.]